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Is it normal to feel this way 6 months post BU?


Confused19

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Hello everyone, we have been broken up for 6 months now after a 2 years relationship. It was a bad break up and he pretty much shut me down and never wanted to talk or even respond to my texts/calls. I was not harrassing or there was no cheating. A big argument triggered it but we had problems too. Anyways, the way it ended was a huge blow on my self esteem and self worth. Being completly ignored and him acting like I didnt exist just made me feel like I was nothing and the first few months were really hard. I went NC for 1 month then reached out he actually answered but it was casual talk I didn t ask why he had to end things so cowardly and shut me down completly. Eventually he stopped answering again and I went NC for 3 months which I broke last week I basically just said hi and that I wanted to check on him. He ignored me. He lost his mother back in november and I can't help but feel bad for him even though he treated me like sh***. I was always supportive and there for him and even forgave him when he cheated on me 3months after the beguining of our relationship we were long distance at that time and he litteraly begged me to take him back. Because of all the details my thread seems like there was 0 happiness in this RS but there was. I just dont want to write a book...At time and for some reason especially in the morning I feel so worthless and even ugly and see him so much better than me because he has moved on so quick and dont even have the decency to answer me. I see him as superior to me and prolly seeing me as pathetic. Is it normal to feel this way? I dont 24/7 and I am doing much better than at the beguining but why do I care about what he thinks and how he perceive me. I cant help also to wonder why he hates me so much and felt the need to ignore me. I am so tired of caring about him and hoping for an appology to get my self respect back, and get answers. I wish I knew how to get it without his validation. How you do this and is it normal to feel this way? This is my first long relationship...and I dont want to waste years not moving on on someone who clearly was an assh*** yet even know I can see it through his actions I cant get myself to hate him like any normal person should...His silence was extremely hurtful and I dont think he will ever realize the damages he caused. I should also mention that havent seen him since the breal up and he moved 45min away. So yea completly cut off ties like these 2 years never existed...extremely hard to accept...will I ever?

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Hi, break ups are horrible, but plain and simple he isn't talking to you because he simply doesn't want to. You will always have questions for him and may never get the answers . this is normal.stop calling/texting even though it's So hard(trust me I know)and basically get on with your own life, you're so young and you deserve more than this idiot will ever give you x

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No it's not ok to feel this way. Maintain strict no contact because you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

He is moving on better because he is maintaining strict no contact, not because he is a 'superior being'. He didn't 'cause damage' you over invested. Unfortunately it's your responsibility to move on, get therapy to unpack and sort things out. Being angry at him holds you back, not him. You are damaging yourself.

 

Get on a dating apps and browse. But do not message or meet anyone just yet. Just see what's out there so you stop ruminating that he 'owes' you communication or anything else at this point.

I went NC for 3 months which I broke last week I basically just said hi and that I wanted to check on him. He ignored me. I cant help also to wonder why he hates me so much and felt the need to ignore me.I should also mention that havent seen him since the breal up and he moved 45min away.
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I know now that I will never contact him again believe me, and maybe I needed this set back to definitely close this chapter...I am sorry it might not be ok to feel this way but he is the one who has issues too for just cutting off someone like this. I am not saying we should get back together I am saying any person with respect and a minimun of decency would not just cut off someone like that (i am talking about how he proceeded to break up). I broke up with people before and unless they harrassed me I had respect for them to at least explain and talk because I knew they were hurt. When I say he caused damage I am talking about the way he ended it not the whole relationship. I did get on apps by the way...yet I cant get rid of these feelings and what I want to know is specifically how to do this? I saw a therapist and she sucked I dont trust them, how can a stranger really care about what is going on in your life?

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It doesn't matter the method that he broke up. It's never pleasant and you should not stay in contact. Closure is a myth and sugar coated break-ups are condescending. The main point is Stop blowing yo his phone to 'say hi', get closure, etc. you will feel better when you get your dignity together and stop doing that.

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Again I DIDNT "blow his phone" and never did. I feel like I was not clear on what my question was...Basically what I want to know is am I going to feell completly normal again and get my dignity back even with NC (which I WILL NOT ever break again just saying before someone tells me to stop blowing his phone again)

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I think its normal what you did. You had a little hope left. Maybe not enough to get back together but enough to hang on just a little longer. What you wrote is exactly what im going threw right now, i got ignored also, it makes you want to reach out even more when that happens, but dont. If he wants to reach you he will call, he will find anyway possible to contact you if he really wanted to. The reason you feel so low is because you feel rejection, nobody likes to ne rejected. If i had to guess he does think about you, but hes dealing with it in his own way, talking to you may be painful for him. Sometimes silence is an ans also. He may not respond, and not responding is his ans. I know it hurts, you gave alot to him im sure. And in your mind you cant understand how he could just cut you off. Think about this, him not responding may hurt now, but in the long run that may help you heal faster then if he said hi back to you. It would feel good to get that hi responce back, but would give you false hope i think also. I know it hurts, i know you care about him. Try to be the better person. Leave him with the memory of the good memories. Let him find himself for awhile, let him live and date. (You)may not be ready to date yet and thats ok. But try to go out now and then, even of its just a few hrs here and there, the problem is your thinking about if hes thinking about you. If you know you did everything you could to save the relationship and you truly gave it your all then hes the one with the issue right now.

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Yes going no contact and staying no contact is the first step in restoring your boundaries and dignity and healing. It also takes letting go and accepting that it's over.

am I going to feell completly normal again and get my dignity back even with NC. I am 32
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Thank you Lightjocj...your message made me feel a little better and you are right when saying I still had a little hope. I was using NC for the wrong reason and held myself to contact. But now I dont have this "need" anymore because I guess I needed that "last slap" to get it through my head that it is really over for good...hardest now is act like this never existed and accept that I will never have an appology or explanation it is actually what bothers me the most and the hardest to deal with...not even being separated forever.

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lol your post is so familiar to my situation, 6 months here too. Today would have been our first date a year back and im reminiscing when I know I shouldn't be. But truth is im still cut up so bad.

I havnt reached out and I wont because I don't want to give her the satisfaction, she doesn't care or realize how hurt I am and have been over the past few months. Everything was fine until one petty row (which was probably an excuse to end it) when I look back I see loads of red flags - although maybe I am paranoid but a lot of things didn't add up.

 

I still don't know if NC is the right thing because ive seen friends keep on and on and then get back together and they still are now - but im NC just because I want to keep my dignity.

 

I read rejection breeds obsession and I believe that, when you are dumped you obsess and question everything and make yourself miserable. Truth is I had had enough at one point and was considering walking away. Its only she did it first and now I believe made me into this depressed wreck.

 

With therapy, I agree with what you said, I had never done it before and am doing it now, I don't really get it though. I don't get offered advice etc, just someone to listen to me talking - is this what is meant to happen?

 

I bought a good book - how to survive a break up. worth checking out. Ive gone through a ton of youtube videos but maybe I need more time - but I don't want to be like this anymore!!! I guess im looking for a magic bullet

 

I dumped someone before this relationship and I did the ignoring thing because it was over I met someone else so I know how it feels when the boots on the other foot - so I know my ex is with someone else or not interested as if she was she would have made contact - even a drunk message or some small crumb! but nothing!!! I think im getting bad karma sent my way! its put me in a dark place and really hit me... before this I would never have been on here, youtube, therapy, praying for it all to be ok! I don't know who I am anymore lol but surely somethings got to change soon! I feel im getting older 34 and lifes passing me by! I just want to settle

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Hey James, thank you for sharing your story. I feel like I will NEVER get out of this stage as well but I want to so bad. I initially thought that maybe the death of his mother made him cold then as the time passes I stupidly believed that maybe because of the way he ended things and treated me he was too embarrased to reach out...so I did. That was stupid. I know now that is because he doesn't care. As you said with perspective there was a lot of red flags that I didnt want to see. Unlike you I have never dumped someone this way. I only had 1 good guy but was not in love with him and it was long distance. I ended up leaving him for the current X. Even though I didn't treat him like crap and there was a lot of unbalance in our relationship, I broke up respectfully and he never harrassed me he did text once and I answered. So maybe it is my Karma for leaving the only one "good" guy I had but I do not think I deserve this.

I go through ups and down and especially in the morning. I feel wortheless and rejected. I dont regret reaching out after 3 months because it showed me that I was just using NC as a strategy now it is not the case anymore. I promised myself that this was the last man who would treat me badly and that if I ever get out of this state I will post here for people going thrpugh what we are going through. I get a lot of attenttion from guys but don't even care and compare them to X as if he was perfect while he was FAR from it! I dont think he is in another relationship from what I heard but I know he is prolly talking/ f*** girls. God I want to not care anymore and feel happy again on my own.

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You get to decide how you want to interpret ex cutting off contact. You can spin it as him having some superiority complex and hatred toward you if you want to --that's not against the law, it's just not a great choice if you don't want to keep feeling lousy. Have you noticed?

 

Your other option is to decide what is likely more accurate: he views accepting your contact as a way to mislead you into false hope, and so he sees shutting you down as the kinder thing to do.

 

He's also likely right about that.

 

So instead of using my intelligence against myself to spin myself into a deeper hole to climb out of, I'd set a private goal of surprising everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this.

 

I'd quit stagnating in hurtful thinking about the guy, and I'd focus instead on what kind of life I intend to build for myself in terms of career, studies, social life and interests--and I'd pursue those things.

 

The best way I've found to break out of isolation is to offer my help or companionship to friends and family--especially when I most don't feel like it. Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. If I waited until I felt better before stepping up to tend to others, I'd still be feeling lousy. So I made my time about them, not me. I stopped languishing in regret and hurt, so I didn't drain my loved ones with my problems. Instead, I wanted them to see me be okay and to feel good about my company. I wanted to create good memories for them, even while I didn't feel capable of enjoying myself very much.

 

It turned out that after helping friends and family with their home projects, or shopping or errands or yard work or just companionship at dinner or a movie, I'd feel more valued because I didn't 'entertain' anyone, I just showed up. I listened and participated in a generous way, and it took my mind off my troubles and helped me to feel part of humanity again.

 

So consider low self esteem to be about what you're not giving rather than what you're not getting, and go give your time to the people you've been neglecting. You will thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

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Thank you for your message Catfeeder. I have actually been volunteering to help people for few months now. I have done everything to get better, meaning hang out with friends, exercise, volunteer, set up a goal (being changing my career and going back to school...I have submitted transcripts and everything). I was actually feeling better. But then I was always living in hope which is the reason why I actually felt better. I was online constantly looking for reconciliation stories (never do that!) and I feel like I was doing all this to make him come back and not to actually move on, going to these websites was a mistake...

 

I couldn't help but believe that he for sure still loved me and would get back to his sense and reach out to reconcile. So basically I was not moving on, but rather giving myself the illusion of moving on. As time passed I saw that he never reached out and I started believing that maybe he didn't dare to but that was not the case. Therefore I did and got slapped. So as I mentioned maybe that was the key for me to get it through my head. I feel sometimes like having hope makes me feel better and these are the days I can go on. Then reality hits and I realize it is over and these are the days I am depressed.

 

To explain you why Id rather think and convince myself that he doesn't care and hates me, is to actually kill this stupid tiny hope ! If I convince myself of this I won't allow myself to hope anymore and start being angry instead of feeling sorry for myself. I know what I am saying might be confusing but I am telling you exactly how I feel and it is relieving to write here and have people share their stories and thoughts.

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Thank you for your message Catfeeder. I have actually been volunteering to help people for few months now. I have done everything to get better, meaning hang out with friends, exercise, volunteer, set up a goal (being changing my career and going back to school...I have submitted transcripts and everything). I was actually feeling better. But then I was always living in hope which is the reason why I actually felt better. I was online constantly looking for reconciliation stories (never do that!) and I feel like I was doing all this to make him come back and not to actually move on, going to these websites was a mistake...

 

I couldn't help but believe that he for sure still loved me and would get back to his sense and reach out to reconcile. So basically I was not moving on, but rather giving myself the illusion of moving on. As time passed I saw that he never reached out and I started believing that maybe he didn't dare to but that was not the case. Therefore I did and got slapped. So as I mentioned maybe that was the key for me to get it through my head. I feel sometimes like having hope makes me feel better and these are the days I can go on. Then reality hits and I realize it is over and these are the days I am depressed.

 

To explain you why Id rather think and convince myself that he doesn't care and hates me, is to actually kill this stupid tiny hope ! If I convince myself of this I won't allow myself to hope anymore and start being angry instead of feeling sorry for myself. I know what I am saying might be confusing but I am telling you exactly how I feel and it is relieving to write here and have people share their stories and thoughts.

 

Wow, you have been going threw exactly the same thing i am. And you have been givin great advice that i will try and use also. Catfeeds seems to be hitting a nerve here. And thats not a bad thing. Seems i still need to reach that screw it point that you recently reached. I know the feelings your feeling. Mornings were the worst, almost a feeling of dread, shaking even on some mornings. Not getting the mid afternoon texts anymore that say im thinking of you. All of it,its hard to live without..its a new routine now. A new habit, and it takes every bit of energy to get used to the new norm. You, me and most people that use this forum are in the same boat. Were here instead of going out drinking hooking up or being distructive. We may heal slower then are exs, but i think we heal better in the long run, well, maybe not better. But in a more secure place..the person who broke you cant be the person who fixes you. Let me ask you this..my guess is you think about your ex almost all day in some way. Are you afraid of not thinking about them for some reason? Is thinking about them even though the relationship is dead putting it on life support? My guess is yes, and you may be afraid to stop thinking of them because when you do you will know its really over, so lets say thats the case, if you dont think about your ex what is it that you would think about?

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Let me ask you this..my guess is you think about your ex almost all day in some way. Are you afraid of not thinking about them for some reason? Is thinking about them even though the relationship is dead putting it on life support? My guess is yes, and you may be afraid to stop thinking of them because when you do you will know its really over, so lets say thats the case, if you dont think about your ex what is it that you would think about?

 

Hi, just wanted to say that this is very insightful. I, too, am going through heartbreak at the moment. I do think of mine 24/7, and I think I'm afraid not to, like you said here. I can't even get my mind on a good book or movie for a couple of hours, because I'm thinking of him. I still google all the time for similar stories. I agree that thinking of them is all we have left of the relationship, definitely a way of hanging on and keeping the hope.

 

OP, being completely ignored really does bring up feelings like the ones you're having. It's normal to feel the way you're feeling. I've been through it before and felt all the same things. It was horrible. I have never felt so low about myself as I did then. It brings up all kinds of abandonment issues, self-esteem issues, feelings of rejection and worthlessness, hurt and frustration. I'm sorry you're going through this

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Yes Lightjocj, stopping to think about him scares me. Not caring anymore scares me. That is exactly what you are saying, stopping it means it is really over! I have no clue what I would think about instead and being busy is what helps. But I live alone and don't have many friends, my family is overseas. I am alone here. I don't want to not love him anymore. See all my exes came back but I NEVER took them back. I fall hard but once I am over them there is no way I can take them back no matter how much i loved them it just cannot re candle. Sometimes I am scared of myself because I know that after a certain amount of time I will get to a point where I won't be able to forgive the person (happened to me before) and scared that if he ever comes back it will be too late I know it doesn't make sense but that is how crazy my thoughts are.

 

You just hold on to everything, even his silence I sometimes interpret it as him not being able to talk to me because it hurts and therefore he still has feelings and it makes it less hard. However I think this way less and less. Should I also mention that he used to break up with me all the time for like 2 days and then come back. So he did it so many times that at the end I was like whatever...This last time I thought the same but it was for good and it took time to realize this...This was also a red flag because he couldn't deal with conflict resolution and communication. I don't know why I can't let go knowing that I will feel better if I do, I don't know why or how...Like you mention I feel like the lowest ever and even think sometimes that he can sense it and that I must disgust him even more...I feel like I am losing my mind at times. I keep thinking that his life is so much better than mine and that he is probably so happy...etc I also keep thinking that I lost the best man on earth while knowing this is absolutely not true! I have been through it before (without this ignoring thing) and I remember feeling this way but after time passed I realized that my view was just blurred by my emotions. Yet going through it again I can't convince myself of the same thing... I am not close to my family as they live overseas so that makes it hard as well. But I am going back home next week and I have decided to cut off completely from everything for the month I will be there. I won't keep my phone on or go on social media. I am hoping that after this month I will come back and be a little better. I am very anxious about this trip cause I will be far away from him, yet haven't seen him in 6 months so what difference does this make...Insanity at its best...

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The best way I've found to break out of isolation is to offer my help or companionship to friends and family--especially when I most don't feel like it. Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. If I waited until I felt better before stepping up to tend to others, I'd still be feeling lousy. So I made my time about them, not me. I stopped languishing in regret and hurt, so I didn't drain my loved ones with my problems. Instead, I wanted them to see me be okay and to feel good about my company. I wanted to create good memories for them, even while I didn't feel capable of enjoying myself very much.

 

So consider low self esteem to be about what you're not giving rather than what you're not getting, and go give your time to the people you've been neglecting. You will thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

 

Great post and advice. I've got the OP beat...I've been in a state of denial, hurt, anguish, hearbreak...you name it...for EIGHT and 1/2 months. She broke it off though she said she "wasn't sure", then flew home to another state for "a couple weeks" to stay with Mom and go to a wedding. So I thought my case was "different", don't we all--she didn't leave me for someone else, just a sudden thing that developed over 5 days in October, which I could not believe was terminal. I convinced myself that it wasn't 'over' until she got back and we saw each other and talked things through, there was no way I would believe it was over just like that. Well, 2 weeks turned in to 4---then another month, and another---and it's now been 8 1/2 months. (Her job allows her to work online remotely). She simply hasn't come back, though her car and possessions are still here in a house she shares with roommates.

 

I allowed myself to get stuck in the "when she gets back" mode, which never happened, and she is planning on moving back for good to her home state (where she is now) when the lease here expires at end of August...so it's a done deal. But I've allowed myself to destroy 8 months of my life with hopefullness, delusion, and denial. We have had limited contact, always initiated by me...every time. Like James said a couple posts ago, she has given me NOTHING that would cause me to have hope--a breadcrumb, or like he said, even a drunk text one night. Which I simply could not believe. I simply convinced myself that the way she felt about me and us right up till that last few days could NOT be for real, and that her leaving just a week later---made it less real, and her feelings would settle down after she got back in a few weeks. Which never happened, she's been gone the whole time.

 

I still wake up with a gash in my soul and physical hurt from my belly to my throat, every day. I isolated myself almost completely all winter, medicated with alcohol almost nightly, and let my life just spiral down. I'm finally able to begin functioning more each day, though the hurt won't subside. We also were together just six months, but that just caused a lot of pain after she was gone six months...as then the memories of all our time together a year ago started...the weekend we met, all the things we did over those months, etc--so I feel like I truly won't start getting over it until the end of october, when it will be one year since the breakup, and the "year ago today" memories will pass.

 

One thing I can say--I wish I had listened to the advice on this forum, other places, and even the few friends that I involved--and that is, to have moved on, cut ALL contact, get rid of the photos, focus on the gym, work, friends...and just assume it was OVER unless she made an assertive decision to contact me and show interest in reconciliation. Not doing so has been a terrible mistake, as it has just prolonged the pain and healing for WAY too long--with nothing positive to show for it.

 

I am starting to force myself to get back out and be with friends, help people out, and generally engage in life again, though the hurt is still palpable, and finally start getting this behind me.

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Thank you for your message Catfeeder. I have actually been volunteering to help people for few months now. I have done everything to get better, meaning hang out with friends, exercise, volunteer, set up a goal (being changing my career and going back to school...I have submitted transcripts and everything). I was actually feeling better. But then I was always living in hope which is the reason why I actually felt better.

 

Wul, good. You've planted all the seeds to healing, so ride the wave. The idea isn't to decide that the guy is going to come back according to your calendar. You tested that and got burned. That's hardly a reason to reduce yourself to a worm in his eyes in order to feel lousy about yourself.

 

You can let go in a much gentler way. You can decide to let life teach you whether the two of you were ever a 'meant to be' deal by throwing your focus out into your future. The idea is to build yourself UP, not take yourself down by forcing a premature reconciliation. Maybe the two of you will meet on higher ground someday--but you'll both need to reach that place in your own time, in your own way.

 

So resilience is about climbing, no matter what, and to never EVER allow your opinion of yourself to be a candle in the wind based on a single set of circumstances.

 

Grasp that most people are NOT our match, because we all own unique value, and the goal is to find the RARE person who owns the vision to 'see' yours. If someone lacks that vision, it speaks of their limitations rather than of any deficiency in you.

 

So the guy had that vision for a time, and now he needs to grow through a period in his life where his focus is elsewhere. That does NOT mean that your value has faded, only that one person is no longer available to appreciate it. So take your value, treasure it, expand it, and see what happens--without forcing outcomes.

 

If the guy never reflects on you fondly and crosses your path again, then you still win, because you've nourished your own value for the right guy to come along and recognize what you've grown to see in your Self.

 

Head high.

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Catfeeder, I really want to thank you for your messages and the way you put things. I went through worse than this so despite of the way I am right now there is this tiny little voice inside me that is whispering for now but I know it will get louder and louder, and telling me that I will be OK. I believe that for too long I have been with men from who I accepted things that are in-acceptable and I think that it has to do with me and my self esteem and self respect as a woman. I need to work on respecting and loving myself which I don't think was the case. I have pushed away guys who treated me well (actually just one) even though there was other issues. Yet chased jerks who treated me like sh***. That says a lot about how I feel about myself. It is extremely hard to feel good about yourself and get your self esteem back after a break up but I want to work on this and not just to get over this but for the rest of my life. I need to work on forgiving myself as well, for allowing people to treat me bad.I will keep posting about my journey here but for now I will take a break from ENA since I am leaving overseas for a month and will have limited access to the internet. Thank you everyone for your posts!

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I want to work on this and not just to get over this but for the rest of my life. I need to work on forgiving myself as well, for allowing people to treat me bad.

 

Yes, it's important to forgive yourself, or you'll just keep lugging around the same albatross that sunk you in the first place.

 

One key that really helped me was to recognize why you wouldn't be cruel enough to expect some 6th grade kid to perform 12th grade math--and do well. So why not show the same level of compassion toward your earlier self?

 

Maya Angelou said, "When we know better, we do better." So try the simplistic exercise of breaking yourself into two parts: the child self and the adult self. Anything you've done 'wrong' throughout your earlier years gets ranked as being driven by the child self, because whether you were 10 or 20 or 40, if you screwed up, you were still operating on leftover faulty information that you picked up as a kid.

 

And assigning any 'should have known' types of blame is a waste of the exercise.

 

You did NOT know then what you know now. Period. So hold compassion in your heart for the kid self who struggled because nobody taught her any differently--or maybe she wasn't in the head space to get it. Either way, if you withhold compassion from your Self, then by definition, you can't hold true compassion for anyone else, either.

 

Compassion stems from empathy, not blame. Teaching yourself the mature state of compassion for the child in you who has needed to LEARN by trial and error is the foundation of any and all love you can possibly hold for your Self--or for anyone else who struggles with their limitations.

 

Play with these ideas for a while, and when you're ready and can access the Internet, let us know how it goes.

 

Head high, and love your imperfections. They are the stuff of growth, and without them, what's the journey all about?

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  • 1 month later...

Hello everyone, so after a month back home here is how I feel. It has been almost 9 months since the breakup. I am a different person physically and mentally. When I got back home with my friends and family last month everything was fine I barely if at all thought about him or the whole situation. I was so happy to feel this way and thought I was really moving on. It went all downhill a couple of days before coming back to the US, I started anticipating my return and got anxious my self esteem was down then I got back and it is back to missing him dearly. I haven't seen him in 9 months and haven't spoke either in months. I am not planning on talking to him, (he would ignore me anyways). But I never felt that lonely in my life. I am staying busy, but once I get home alone it starts again. I am soooooooo tired of still missing and loving him when does this torture ends? Of course it is not as bad as before (far from it) but these last weeks I have been missing him and wondering what is he up to and if he has someone else, if he still loves me...if he ever did...I keep thinking that a lost a good thing while clearly there was a lot of dis-functioning but I can't help but think that if only he would have give it a chance we could have worked...Is it just a phase? I feel like I will never get out of it...

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