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Thread: 2.5 years and haven't talked about marriage

  1. #1
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    2.5 years and haven't talked about marriage

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and living together for 1.5 years. I'm 33 and he's two years older than me. During our time together, he has never broached the topic of marriage. I want to bring it up, but don't know how to even raise the question without seeming like: a) I'm nagging him for a ring (I'm not) or b) I'm setting an ultimatum (I'm not). I'm truly very happy with the way things are, but my family often asks me if I think we'll get married or if he wants to get married and truthfully, I have absolutely no idea. My mom recently told me that I needed to get outside my comfort zone and simply ask him if he could ever see himself getting married and, more specifically, if he could see himself ever getting married to me. I also understand that bringing up marriage isn't nagging, but rather being assertive about my future. My mother's fear is that I'll spend a lot of time in a relationship that doesn't have a "end game" and be left brokenhearted at the end. I hope that doesn't happen and truly don't have any reason to expect that it will based on the past 2 1/2 years. My internal struggle is whether I continue to just relax and assume that things will run their course and happen in due time or push myself to have a very difficult conversation. I do hope that we will get married eventually, but I haven't put a timeline on that. I knew very early in the relationship that I could marry him and was certain about our future at about the 6 month mark. However, I don't know with certainty that he feels the same way. At one point I did get enough courage up to ask him if he could see us together long term ("do you think we'll still be together in 5 or 10 year") and he said it was likely. Is that enough of an indication?

    Thanks for any advice -- I'm new to this forum, but I really don't have any friends or family outside my mom that I'm comfortable talking this through with. I am also upset when people ask me about it and then say something like " ____ and I got engaged after (insert period of time that's shorter than how long we've been dating)"

  2. #2
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    Why do people have to get married? Your relationship is good, so why try and fix what isn't broken?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have either of you been married before? Do either of you want kids? Why do you need 'courage' to ask him things, are you afraid to rock the boat or disrupt the status quo?

    I don't think something as vague as 'can you see us long term?' or equally vague 'it's likely' is good communication.
    Originally Posted by batse
    my family often asks me if I think we'll get married or if he wants to get marriedAt one point I did get enough courage up to ask him if he could see us together long term ("do you think we'll still be together in 5 or 10 year") and he said it was likely. Is that enough of an indication?

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    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    In any successful relationship you need to be to talk about your life goals. I mean how did you end up living together if you didn't talk about it? You are not mind readers for each other. Just open the conversation up.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Yikes, you really need to start some conversations about this. I'm a little surprised at how you both avoided trading some thoughts on marriage over the years! Especially when it came to discussing and deciding to move in together - you moved in without a talk about marriage and what you both want?

    I definitely do not think you should assume things playing out means marriage for everybody. Unless he specifically tells you he wants marriage, and you two are discussing a future and taking steps to make it happen, I wouldn't think marriage is in his plans at all.

    You need to start discussing this right away. This is a set up for some serious hurt on either or both ends. By agreeing to move in and not discuss marriage up until this point, he may be assuming all kinds of things of his own.

    One thing I learned big time in my current relationship is how insidious assuming can be. Even when you are attempting to be very clear and communicative. People make assumptions all the time without even realizing they are doing so! But when you are talking mega assumptions like this one of yours - that since the relationship is going well, it must mean marriage as progression - that's just a big bomb waiting to go off. Disarm it - communicate about what you think, feel, want, and listen and understand what he thinks, feels, wants - as soon as you can. It'll take some time to hear it all out if you two have been silent about this huge topic for so long.

    And yes, what about children? Did you talk about that?

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Have either of you been married before? Do either of you want kids? Why do you need 'courage' to ask him things, are you afraid to rock the boat or disrupt the status quo?

    I don't think something as vague as 'can you see us long term?' or equally vague 'it's likely' is good communication.
    No, neither of us have been married before.

    The "courage" aspect is all on my end. I struggle very much with communicating directly, a byproduct of my anxiety.

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    Yeah bring it up. And what do you want yourself? What is your timeline for yourself with regard to marriage and kids? Have you ever really introspected on that? If not, you really should.

    For example, here are some of my timeline rules for myself: 1) I will no longer move in with a partner unless we are engaged, 2) if by 2 years in there has been no proposal or talk of proposal, or if my partner refuses to discuss or hedges, then I need to start to think about moving on with my life to find someone who wants to marry me, 3) if kids are to be in the picture, that needs to happen soon after marriage, because i'm 35

    So think about what would be resonable to YOU, and then talk to him about it. Find out about his goals, and if he doesn't know because he has never considered what's important to him, then ask him to think and come up with an answer so you can discuss it. His answer might make you relealize that you have different needs and desires and would be better off ending the relationship.

    You are half of this relationship and you can't keep passively following along. This is your life! Your mother I'd correct in that you don't want to keep blindly following along in a relationship with no end game if your realk goal is marriage and kids and his goals might be totally diferent.

    This very scenario happened to a family member of mine. They lived togethr for 5 years, playing house. All her friends were getting engaged and married and having kids, she was still afraid to even broach the topic with her bf because she didn't want to upset him. He never brought it up, and when questioned by friends and family would get weird about it or change the subject. She is now in her thirties, still with him, and worried that it will enevr happen and afraid to leave and be single again starting over...I feel bad for her, she never prioritized her needs...

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    I do agree that we should talk about it and that I am potentially setting myself up for heartbreak later by simply assuming that this will happen eventually. I just don't know how to bring it up. Any entrance into it seems abrupt and awkward. I do not want him to feel like I am putting pressure on him to do this by bringing it up. I know that he thinks about our future and that his plans include me and maybe that should suffice for now. The rational side of me says what the first poster said: "if things are good, why rock the boat?"

    We didn't ever have a real heart to heart about living together. We were in a long distance relationship and when "the move" happened, we just naturally transitioned into cohabitation I don't question his commitment or love for me at all. And honestly, I never thought that I would even want to get married until this relationship.

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    Sometimes the important convo's are awkward...and that's ok! Just do it. No need to overthink it. Like ripping off a bandaid.

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    Platinum Member Moontiger's Avatar
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    Maybe use your conversation with your mom to bring up the topic with him. So when you are telling each other about your day you can say "oh, I had an interesting conversation with mom." Then just tell him what you guys talked about and go from there.

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