2.5 years and haven't talked about marriage

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and living together for 1.5 years. I'm 33 and he's two years older than me. During our time together, he has never broached the topic of marriage. I want to bring it up, but don't know how to even raise the question without seeming like: a) I'm nagging him for a ring (I'm not) or b) I'm setting an ultimatum (I'm not). I'm truly very happy with the way things are, but my family often asks me if I think we'll get married or if he wants to get married and truthfully, I have absolutely no idea. My mom recently told me that I needed to get outside my comfort zone and simply ask him if he could ever see himself getting married and, more specifically, if he could see himself ever getting married to me. I also understand that bringing up marriage isn't nagging, but rather being assertive about my future. My mother's fear is that I'll spend a lot of time in a relationship that doesn't have a "end game" and be left brokenhearted at the end. I hope that doesn't happen and truly don't have any reason to expect that it will based on the past 2 1/2 years. My internal struggle is whether I continue to just relax and assume that things will run their course and happen in due time or push myself to have a very difficult conversation. I do hope that we will get married eventually, but I haven't put a timeline on that. I knew very early in the relationship that I could marry him and was certain about our future at about the 6 month mark. However, I don't know with certainty that he feels the same way. At one point I did get enough courage up to ask him if he could see us together long term ("do you think we'll still be together in 5 or 10 year") and he said it was likely. Is that enough of an indication?

Thanks for any advice -- I'm new to this forum, but I really don't have any friends or family outside my mom that I'm comfortable talking this through with. I am also upset when people ask me about it and then say something like " ____ and I got engaged after (insert period of time that's shorter than how long we've been dating)"

Why do people have to get married? Your relationship is good, so why try and fix what isn't broken?

Have either of you been married before? Do either of you want kids? Why do you need 'courage' to ask him things, are you afraid to rock the boat or disrupt the status quo?

I don't think something as vague as 'can you see us long term?' or equally vague 'it's likely' is good communication.

my family often asks me if I think we'll get married or if he wants to get marriedAt one point I did get enough courage up to ask him if he could see us together long term ("do you think we'll still be together in 5 or 10 year") and he said it was likely. Is that enough of an indication?

In any successful relationship you need to be to talk about your life goals. I mean how did you end up living together if you didn't talk about it? You are not mind readers for each other. Just open the conversation up.

Yikes, you really need to start some conversations about this. I'm a little surprised at how you both avoided trading some thoughts on marriage over the years! Especially when it came to discussing and deciding to move in together - you moved in without a talk about marriage and what you both want?

I definitely do not think you should assume things playing out means marriage for everybody. Unless he specifically tells you he wants marriage, and you two are discussing a future and taking steps to make it happen, I wouldn't think marriage is in his plans at all.

You need to start discussing this right away. This is a set up for some serious hurt on either or both ends. By agreeing to move in and not discuss marriage up until this point, he may be assuming all kinds of things of his own.

One thing I learned big time in my current relationship is how insidious assuming can be. Even when you are attempting to be very clear and communicative. People make assumptions all the time without even realizing they are doing so! But when you are talking mega assumptions like this one of yours - that since the relationship is going well, it must mean marriage as progression - that's just a big bomb waiting to go off. Disarm it - communicate about what you think, feel, want, and listen and understand what he thinks, feels, wants - as soon as you can. It'll take some time to hear it all out if you two have been silent about this huge topic for so long.

And yes, what about children? Did you talk about that?

Have either of you been married before? Do either of you want kids? Why do you need 'courage' to ask him things, are you afraid to rock the boat or disrupt the status quo?

 

I don't think something as vague as 'can you see us long term?' or equally vague 'it's likely' is good communication.

No, neither of us have been married before.

The "courage" aspect is all on my end. I struggle very much with communicating directly, a byproduct of my anxiety.

Yeah bring it up. And what do you want yourself? What is your timeline for yourself with regard to marriage and kids? Have you ever really introspected on that? If not, you really should.

For example, here are some of my timeline rules for myself: 1) I will no longer move in with a partner unless we are engaged, 2) if by 2 years in there has been no proposal or talk of proposal, or if my partner refuses to discuss or hedges, then I need to start to think about moving on with my life to find someone who wants to marry me, 3) if kids are to be in the picture, that needs to happen soon after marriage, because i'm 35

So think about what would be resonable to YOU, and then talk to him about it. Find out about his goals, and if he doesn't know because he has never considered what's important to him, then ask him to think and come up with an answer so you can discuss it. His answer might make you relealize that you have different needs and desires and would be better off ending the relationship.

You are half of this relationship and you can't keep passively following along. This is your life! Your mother I'd correct in that you don't want to keep blindly following along in a relationship with no end game if your realk goal is marriage and kids and his goals might be totally diferent.

This very scenario happened to a family member of mine. They lived togethr for 5 years, playing house. All her friends were getting engaged and married and having kids, she was still afraid to even broach the topic with her bf because she didn't want to upset him. He never brought it up, and when questioned by friends and family would get weird about it or change the subject. She is now in her thirties, still with him, and worried that it will enevr happen and afraid to leave and be single again starting over...I feel bad for her, she never prioritized her needs...

I do agree that we should talk about it and that I am potentially setting myself up for heartbreak later by simply assuming that this will happen eventually. I just don't know how to bring it up. Any entrance into it seems abrupt and awkward. I do not want him to feel like I am putting pressure on him to do this by bringing it up. I know that he thinks about our future and that his plans include me and maybe that should suffice for now. The rational side of me says what the first poster said: "if things are good, why rock the boat?"

We didn't ever have a real heart to heart about living together. We were in a long distance relationship and when "the move" happened, we just naturally transitioned into cohabitation I don't question his commitment or love for me at all. And honestly, I never thought that I would even want to get married until this relationship.

Sometimes the important convo's are awkward...and that's ok! Just do it. No need to overthink it. Like ripping off a bandaid.

Maybe use your conversation with your mom to bring up the topic with him. So when you are telling each other about your day you can say "oh, I had an interesting conversation with mom." Then just tell him what you guys talked about and go from there.

Ok if he feels undue "pressure" because you bring up very reasonable goals of marriage/family with him, the man you live with and have been with for over two years, then he prob isn't the man for you! But don't you want to know?

Sounds like you may be more scared of his answer or reaction than anything, because it may mean that things have to end.

I would like to think that at the 2.5 year point in a relationship, being able to talk about your goals and hopes shouldn't be this difficult. I don't see anything wrong with asking him point blank "listen, I would like to know where this relationship is going? I would like to get married eventually and have kids, and I need to know where you stand and if we are on the same page here". I mean, to me it sounds absurd that after all this time, you are worried about asking such an important question!

Good or bad, his answer is something you need to know. What good would it do if you continued with the relationship another 2.5 years, only for him to drop the bomb that he's never getting married? I think it's best to know sooner rather than later, so you can at least have an inkling as to where your life is going. You need to take matters into your own hands, when it comes to major life decisions that involve you. Don't let others decide for you, be an active participant in your life and ask questions. If you simply asking that question gets him "scared away", then you know he was never in for the long run anyway so you aren't losing anything.

Don't let outside pressures decide for you, nor anxiety. Make the decision to talk to him and make sure it's between you two and about you two. Never start a convo with my friends are getting married, my family thinks,etc. that right there tells him you want to marry for all the wrong reasons.

I never thought that I would even want to get married until this relationship.

Hmm, well personally, I don't think of it as rocking the boat to get to really know the man you love, and for him to know you! How you think and feel about marriage, and whether you want it or not, are just parts of getting to know each other. No pressure - if he doesn't agree or has different feelings about it, that's fine. The idea is to have discussions and conversations about it, not make any big decisions right now. See what you are working with first.

Some times where discussing general views on marriage have come pretty natural in my experience: when talking about growing up and your parents relationships, when talking about big life goals, during or after a really romantic close time together, when discussing children (if you do), and lots more. The idea is it can come naturally from other convos - it seems like you both would have to go out of your way to avoid talking about it all this time, to me, really.

Are you two able to communicate freely in other respects and about other topics? Do you feel like you can turn to him and talk to him and like he does the same, in general?

Your relationship cannot be all that great if you don't communicate significant life goals.

I agree with Wiseman. Just let him know you'd like to talk about your future goals and bring this up. And ask about his goals. Treat it as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other.

Is it possible that he hasn't brought it up because he assumes I don't want to get married? I have never said anything about marriage. I was like this with both moving and moving in together as well -- too scared to talk about if/when it would happen, decided to just relax and let the chips fall where they may, and then everything fell into place. I'm not assuming that will happen again, but I think there's a distinct possibility that it could.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm afraid of....that things will have to end. This has been the best 2.5 years of my life and I just want it to continue, but I also want to know that it's arcing toward marriage (again, I'm not in a hurry, just want reassurance that we will get there eventually). And in the grand scheme of things, we haven't been together that long. Relationships evolve at different rates and I have had several friends who have been together 3, 5, even 10 years before getting engaged.

Is it possible that he hasn't brought it up because he assumes I don't want to get married? I have never said anything about marriage. I was like this with both moving and moving in together as well -- too scared to talk about if/when it would happen, decided to just relax and let the chips fall where they may, and then everything fell into place. I'm not assuming that will happen again, but I think there's a distinct possibility that it could.

I bet the reason he hasn't brought it up is because he doesn't want to get married at all or he doesn't want to get married to you. Also it has only been 2.5 years, hardly long-term commitment is it?

Is it possible that he hasn't brought it up because he assumes I don't want to get married? I have never said anything about marriage. I was like this with both moving and moving in together as well -- too scared to talk about if/when it would happen, decided to just relax and let the chips fall where they may, and then everything fell into place. I'm not assuming that will happen again, but I think there's a distinct possibility that it could.

Don't stress yourself with what if scenarios. Just start the convo with him. That doesn't commit you to anything.

I bet the reason he hasn't brought it up is because he doesn't want to get married at all or he doesn't want to get married to you. Also it has only been 2.5 years, hardly long-term commitment is it?

Right -- I realize that 2.5 years isn't a long time and does not represent a long-term commitment. I think right now I'm in a place where I'm hopeful that it will happen eventually but also scared that it won't. I don't need a ring -- just reassurance that the path I think/hope we are on is in fact the path we are on. I'm scared that he has reservations about me (although again, i have no evidence to suggest this is the case)

Right -- I realize that 2.5 years isn't a long time and does not represent a long-term commitment. I think right now I'm in a place where I'm hopeful that it will happen eventually but also scared that it won't. I don't need a ring -- just reassurance that the path I think/hope we are on is in fact the path we are on. I'm scared that he has reservations about me (although again, i have no evidence to suggest this is the case)

You don't need a ring just reassurance, so are you suggesting that you cannot seek this reassurance or gain this reassurance without marriage?

I still struggle with how to bring this up. I think just a conversation (about us getting married eventually) really coming out of nowhere would be difficult for me. I may be able to pose the question in the abstract "do you ever see yourself getting married"? Or the "where do you see our relationship in five years" type of question

I also like bringing up the conversation with my mom as an intro

You need to be straight up and honest. There's no point beating around the bush.

If you cannot communicate your wants, expectations and needs effectively in a relationship after 2.5 years together then that says everything to me. Sit him down and tell him what you want; marriage! If he wants what you want in the future, great, if he doesn't then at least you have your answer and you can assess all of your opinions accordingly.

I still struggle with how to bring this up. I think just a conversation (about us getting married eventually) really coming out of nowhere would be difficult for me. I may be able to pose the question in the abstract "do you ever see yourself getting married"? Or the "where do you see our relationship in five years" type of question

 

I also like bringing up the conversation with my mom as an intro

This is not a job interview, nor should it feel like one! He is your long term boyfriend, and you need to be as honest and direct with him as you've been here with us. Would it reassure you if you asked "do you ever see yourself getting married" and he responded "yes"? How would you know he means "married to you"? No, you can't ask such general questions, you need to be very specific. Believe me, it's the norm, I'm still not sure why you find it this difficult, unless there is something not going all that well in the relationship? Otherwise, you should be very comfortable asking him anything.

Everything is going well. I just struggle with anxiety.