He's very broke but treats me like a queen

I've been dating this guy now for about a year and he treats me so wonderful... Buys me "just because" flowers, massages my feet after a long day's work, cooks dinner, cleans and is emotionally supportive.

The issue that I'm having is that I'm always paying for EVERYTHING bc he NEVER has money. He had a high paying job a few years ago, didn't save ANY of that income, accrued a lot of debt including 70k in school loans and buying a bunch of material crap (expensive clothes, shoes, electronics for him and his ex at the time). He was laid off from that job about a year and a half ago (then his ex decided their relationship isn't working coincidentally) and he's been financially drowning ever since. Now I'm college educated and I make a really good income and Im debt free (my car and student loans are paid off). So I can't help but to notice that he depends on me financially ( he tries not to make it seem so obvious but I can see it)..he is constantly over my house and never seems to go home, if I don't buy groceries it means he possibly won't be eating for the day, and when I do buy groceries he eats ALL of it, I find myself having to hide food in my own home sometimes ...when we go out on dates, majority of the time it's on my dime. Not to mention I loaned him a significant amount of money to help get him afloat but to no avail. His car was repo'd, lost his apartment and chooses not to get a steady job bc he want to follow his dream of fashion design. Every job that he's had that dealt with fashion was always paying minimum wage.

So now I'm starting to feel some resentment bc I feel like he has a choice to get a regular job and try to get back on his feet but he's choosing to wait for that "big break" in the fashion world. In the meantime it leaves me carrying the financial brunt of maintaining our relationship and household. I don't want to tell him to give up on his dream but I also don't want to be the one carrying all the weight either especially that he needs to live with me bc he has nowhere to go or can't afford anything on his own. I honestly always loved having my place to myself since I'm the only one paying bills there and I like my alone time but it would be wrong if I left him out in the streets. I think he has that sense of comfort that I'm always going to be there so that's why he isn't trying as hard to get a regular consistently paying job vs taking small gigs here and there. But I can give him some credit and say that when does these little odd jobs he gives me some money out his pay without me asking.

I'm in my 30s and I consider myself a good catch and I sometimes feel like I want someone that's "already there" instead of someone TRYING to "get there". But he treats me better than I've ever been treated before. What should I do??

This is who he is. He has a dream and won't stop following it just because you don't agree with it. You have to choose if the person he is outweighs the guy you want him to be.

A lot of times, two people's ambitions are mismatched and that's sometimes a deal breaker. There's no shame in realizing that.

Why are you supporting him? It sounds like he wants a sugar mama not a job. Stop enabling him. The charm is to open your wallet, home and fridge not your heart. He is not 'treating you better than ever before' he is using superficial charm to suck off you.

he depends on me financially. I find myself having to hide food in my own home sometimes. me carrying the financial brunt of maintaining our relationship and household.

I'd treat a sugar mama like a queen, too.

I dont know about you but I could use a fashionable man in my life. Less muscle men, more classy men! Kudos to him for following his dream.

Ask yourself if the situation was reversed, if you would be okay and feel comfortable with him financially supporting you while you wait for your golden opportunity.

I've had a few boyfriends that have been musicians and they put me in a lot of debt because I was supporting them on my minimum wage job while they sat at home, ing around with a guitar.

I had dreams too that I had to completely set aside because I ended up with every one of them having to get a second job to pay the bills. They contributed nothing or very little and got nowhere.

I remember after I graduated college (while also working a full time job to support my boyfriend at the time) I had said, I think it would be nice if you could get a full time job so that I only have to work one. I would like some time after work to start improving in my field so that I can hopefully get a related job doing something I enjoy.

He told me that would cut into his music time and my goals just weren't as important. That's verbatum.

You're going to end up really resenting this guy. If he wants something bad enough he'll work it around having a job and being a responsible adult point blank.

Just as a side note, I majored in Fashion Design in college. It is extremely difficult to get a break in it. They told us our first day that we would likely end up in retail or some other low paying job.

I wanted to open my own store. The bank loved my business plan but I didn't have enough capital and my credit score was low. Why? Because I was having to support someone else financially. Anyone who cares about you won't ask you to sacrafice any of your dreams and support them financially while they wait for theirs to happen. So selfish.

There's been a lot of these kinds of threads lately! Mooching entitled people and the folks that are supporting them.

There are men out there who will treat you to every day kindnesses AND pull their own weight in the world and in a relationship. That isn't some far off fantasy!! You don't have to settle for being used, you are worth more than that!

many people bus tables or whatever it takes to survive while following a dream.

open the employments office site and tell him to send out applications.

yes, he is mooching.

I've been dating this guy now for about a year and he treats me so wonderful... Buys me "just because" flowers, massages my feet after a long day's work, cooks dinner, cleans and is emotionally supportive.

The issue that I'm having is that I'm always paying for EVERYTHING bc he NEVER has money. He had a high paying job a few years ago, didn't save ANY of that income, accrued a lot of debt including 70k in school loans and buying a bunch of material crap (expensive clothes, shoes, electronics for him and his ex at the time). He was laid off from that job about a year and a half ago (then his ex decided their relationship isn't working coincidentally) and he's been financially drowning ever since. Now I'm college educated and I make a really good income and Im debt free (my car and student loans are paid off). So I can't help but to notice that he depends on me financially ( he tries not to make it seem so obvious but I can see it)..he is constantly over my house and never seems to go home, if I don't buy groceries it means he possibly won't be eating for the day, and when I do buy groceries he eats ALL of it, I find myself having to hide food in my own home sometimes ...when we go out on dates, majority of the time it's on my dime. Not to mention I loaned him a significant amount of money to help get him afloat but to no avail. His car was repo'd, lost his apartment and chooses not to get a steady job bc he want to follow his dream of fashion design. Every job that he's had that dealt with fashion was always paying minimum wage.

 

So now I'm starting to feel some resentment bc I feel like he has a choice to get a regular job and try to get back on his feet but he's choosing to wait for that "big break" in the fashion world. In the meantime it leaves me carrying the financial brunt of maintaining our relationship and household. I don't want to tell him to give up on his dream but I also don't want to be the one carrying all the weight either especially that he needs to live with me bc he has nowhere to go or can't afford anything on his own. I honestly always loved having my place to myself since I'm the only one paying bills there and I like my alone time but it would be wrong if I left him out in the streets. I think he has that sense of comfort that I'm always going to be there so that's why he isn't trying as hard to get a regular consistently paying job vs taking small gigs here and there. But I can give him some credit and say that when does these little odd jobs he gives me some money out his pay without me asking.

I'm in my 30s and I consider myself a good catch and I sometimes feel like I want someone that's "already there" instead of someone TRYING to "get there". But he treats me better than I've ever been treated before. What should I do??

He can still follow his dream and get a job at the same time. Look at all these celebrities who suffered through years of menial, crappy jobs before they hit it big. Also he needs to realize how hard it is to break into those industries especially fashion.

He's a mooch. He isn't treating you like a queen because you pay for everything. So those flowers he "buys" you - no you are buying them for yourself ultimately. Sorry but my ex was like that. One time he got me flowers on Valentine's Day that he had bought with his own money. Otherwise of the little I got from him I paid for it. I paid for everything for his kids but he got the credit. He drained me of about half my savings.

Tell him that if he truly wants to follow his dream it's not going to come to him. He has to work for it and it might mean taking some crappy jobs to get up that ladder.

He hasn't worked for 1.5 years? No established career? You need to talk to him and tell him were you are. He seems a good bit lost. Would you be ok with him if he had a not so good paying job? I read a book recently about a guy who worked on Wall Street and lost his job and wound up working at Waffle House. It showed great character on this guy! It took years before things turned around for him....but he didn't give up. What we see in a person today is not all they are.

It's probably true. I keep convincing myself "ok, he's just falling on hard times, I'm sure he'd do the same for me"..sigh

It's probably true. I keep convincing myself "ok, he's just falling on hard times, I'm sure he'd do the same for me"..sigh

Been there, done that. They won't do the same for you sadly.

You know what, you are so right!! I guess I have some insecurities of my own thinking I won't find anything better. I want a partner that's my equal... So should I end it? Or just kick him out?

You know what, you are so right!! I guess I have some insecurities of my own thinking I won't find anything better. I want a partner that's my equal... So should I end it? Or just kick him out?

If you haven't talked to him about how you feel do that. If he still plays this game of chasing his dreams then tell him either he gets a job or you're done. You can "chase" dreams and have a job that isn't in the field. Lots of people do it all the time.

He's worked odd jobs during the 1.5 years. Picking up little gigs here and there but nothing steady. I love your last statement "what we see in a person today is not all they are". Tthat's why I feel so torn, it's like: should I stick it out and continue this path and HOPEFULLY he makes it big (who knows how long that would take) or should I move on to someone that's already established but may not treat me as good as he does..

But he treats me better than I've ever been treated before. What should I do??

Of course he treats you like a queen, he's certainly not going to bite the hand that feeds him. In addition to that he's learned that yes, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

At any rate you can either allow him to stay because he treats you well, or set him free because he's an adult who's capable of supporting himself and paying his dues, as the rest of us do. If he cares about you, he'll understand, otherwise you'll go on to learn a tough lesson. Choose wisely...

He sounds like a dream housewife....and there is nothing wrong with that.

Above aside, what specifically is he doing to get to his dream? Does he have a concrete business plan? Is he working on it 24/7? Is he working on building up connections, finding mentors to guide him? Does he have some kind of a timeline and an exit plan, aka the time that he is willing to acknowledge that he gave it his all and it's not going to happen for him. Kind of along the lines where athletes dream of turning pro but there comes a time where they recognize they simply don't have it in them and can't perform at that level.

I guess what I'm getting at is that if he is working his tail off on his plan and doing everything to get there, I'd be willing to support that. If his dream is just some vague idea that he kind of sort of works on maybe.....then no. Then I'd sit him down and tell him that the gravy train is going to stop and he had better start thinking about how to move on.

He's worked odd jobs during the 1.5 years. Picking up little gigs here and there but nothing steady. I love your last statement "what we see in a person today is not all they are". Tthat's why I feel so torn, it's like: should I stick it out and continue this path and HOPEFULLY he makes it big (who knows how long that would take) or should I move on to someone that's already established but may not treat me as good as he does..

Ok...tell him you need steady. Have you explained how you feel and think? You need to. If you want a man who's settled and no longer working towards something than you need to leave. He doesn't have it together yet....

Yes. Try not to let insecurities or saccharine words/gestures allow someone to con you. It's smoke and mirrors and charm like any scam for gain plan.

So should I end it? Or just kick him out?

I wouldn't support anyone under any circumstance. I don't love anyone more than I love myself.

He's a big mooch! This loser will continue to take, as long as you dole it out. You're not his mother!

Get rid of this guy. You should set your sights much higher.

I dont know about you but I could use a fashionable man in my life. Less muscle men, more classy men! Kudos to him for following his dream.

Oh yeah! He's a class act!!!! He is sponging off of her. This guy has zero class!

You know what, you are so right!! I guess I have some insecurities of my own thinking I won't find anything better. I want a partner that's my equal... So should I end it? Or just kick him out?

Miss, you can't get much lower than him. Get rid of the bum!

I wouldn't support anyone under any circumstance. I don't love anyone more than I love myself.

I worked overtime for years while my husband was advancing his degrees/career. I didn't care to advance in mine as I was at the top of my pay/salary and I wouldn't have made more money if I had advanced my degree. I did it for us. I believed in us and our goals. But---there is a difference when someone is simply being spoon fed right?

I worked overtime for years while my husband was advancing his degrees/career. I didn't care to advance in mine as I was at the top of my pay/salary and I wouldn't have made more money if I had advanced my degree. I did it for us. I believed in us and our goals. But---there is a difference when someone is simply being spoon fed right?

That seems to me to be completely different. You and your husband seem to have benefitted mutually.

This boyfriend though is living off of you. It's O.K. to have dreams, but do it on your own time while you're making a living and supporting yourself. I'm afraid you're enabling very bad behavior. I would love to not work and have a woman look after me. Well, not really. But I see how someone could see the appeal in it.

It's likely he's not going to get that 'big break'. It's likely he'll sponge off of you as long as you let him. I can understand someone losing their job. I have. But adults have to at the very least stand on their own two feet, if they are capable.