Alcoholic father-in-law threatens suicide when family refuses to give him money

My husband's father, David, is an alcoholic. His father and mother have been estranged for decades, but they get along ok when we spend the holidays together. My husband also has a sister who has two children. We have no children (but are working to save our money so that we can afford to someday).

David is in his early 70s, has a dog and has been an alcoholic with depression for many years, even developing alcohol-related dementia. He is dependent on the government for money but he spends more than he receives and his funds are running out. My husband's mother and sister want to chip-in with monthly contributions "so he doesn't end up on the street". None of us are rich by any means, but we could afford $50-75 monthly contributions.

My husband has said that in order for him to contribute, he wants his father to give up the dog (an expensive liability) and stop drinking. When my husband has spoken to his father about this, his father got very hostile, saying that he would never stop drinking and insinuating that he would commit suicide when he ran out of money. David has since started seeing a therapist (for free) several times a month.

My husband's mother and sister are fine simply contributing without David making any compromises, and are pushing my husband to do the same.

I respect my husband for staying firm on his requirements, with the understanding that once you start giving family members money, it can be a slippery slope.

For whatever reason, suggesting that David get a part-time job or start attending Alcoholic Anonymous meetings doesn't seem feasible to my husband's family.

What advice can you give?

If it was my father as much as it would pain me, I'd cut my losses. I know how alcoholics and addicts work after living with one for four years. You cannot enable them. At all. In any way, shape or form. If the rest of the family wants to enable him that's on them.

Demanding that he give up the dog is really kind of cruel. It's probably about the only thing keeping his father this side of sane and probably at least somewhat sober. Seeking to cut off the emotional connection and give up the animal because you are throwing $50 into a pot is frankly a bit off on your husband's part.

As for the drinking....well...he is an alcoholic and he is 70 and at this point not much is going to happen with that in terms of change.

It seems that the rest of the family gets this and their only concern is just making sure he doesn't end up homeless, which is fair. However, rather than giving him cash, I'd just suggest that you pick up a bill and pay it directly. For example, pay the electric bill or the phone bill. There is no slippery slope there and you know exactly what the money is being used for. It would seem that the family is just fine if the two of you don't do anything. Either way, there is no point in causing arguments and making demands. Either do something you can live with or keep out entirely.

As for the father threatening suicide.....it seems like it was just something said in the heat of the argument. However, if you really believe at any point that he is seriously about to harm himself, call the emergency services and let professionals take it from there. You are not equipped to handle that and shouldn't even try. Ultimately, what he chooses to do is his decision and his choice and you are not responsible for it beyond calling in professional help and directing them to go to wherever you believe he is.

My husband's father, David, is an alcoholic. His father and mother have been estranged for decades, but they get along ok when we spend the holidays together. My husband also has a sister who has two children. We have no children (but are working to save our money so that we can afford to someday).

 

David is in his early 70s, has a dog and has been an alcoholic with depression for many years, even developing alcohol-related dementia. He is dependent on the government for money but he spends more than he receives and his funds are running out. My husband's mother and sister want to chip-in with monthly contributions "so he doesn't end up on the street". None of us are rich by any means, but we could afford $50-75 monthly contributions.

 

My husband has said that in order for him to contribute, he wants his father to give up the dog (an expensive liability) and stop drinking. When my husband has spoken to his father about this, his father got very hostile, saying that he would never stop drinking and insinuating that he would commit suicide when he ran out of money. David has since started seeing a therapist (for free) several times a month.

 

My husband's mother and sister are fine simply contributing without David making any compromises, and are pushing my husband to do the same.

 

I respect my husband for staying firm on his requirements, with the understanding that once you start giving family members money, it can be a slippery slope.

 

For whatever reason, suggesting that David get a part-time job or start attending Alcoholic Anonymous meetings doesn't seem feasible to my husband's family.

 

What advice can you give?

The mother and sister are enablers. They are accelerating his demise.

Your husband should not contribute a penny, until he stops drinking.

Don't get rid of the dog. The dog may be very useful someday. Enabling his behavior is not the right way to go about this. I wouldn't give him a penny. It appears the ones that do "contribute" just don't want to be bothered with any type of family intervention. Unfortunately, it would be extremely difficult to convince him to stop drinking without the support of the rest of the family. Sad no one else sees it.

I wish all of you the best.

Who has power of attorney? Talk about financial planning such as reverse mortgage, garage sale, downsizing, etc. This monthly plan thing is ridiculous, or the MIL is just not too bright. Why suggest cash rather than for example, paying a bill or for groceries now and then?

Your FIL requires proper financial management, neurological evaluations and a visit from a social worker to get him the care/assistance he needs. He will not "end up on the street". Every time the MIL and SIL bring up this inane idea suggest the social worker evaluation or paying a bill here and there as needed.

My husband's mother and sister want to chip-in with monthly contributions "so he doesn't end up on the street"

I'm with the others. The mom and sisters are enabling the dad because they don't want to fight. Don't contribute a penny unless the father makes serious, real strides towards being sober.

Agree with taking over the bills. There is no reason this guy should be given cash. That's idiotic!

Wiseman had some great suggestions.

does he live on his own? who is his official caregiver? they can have his bills deducted from his account.

they can also call his therapist and explain that he is suicidal.

they can also look up senior care services, local mental health communities and visiting nurses to check on him regularly at home and by phone. if they estimate he is at risk of harming himself, they will get him to a doctor.

i'm not sure if i understand his living conditions- if he has good care and the major complaint is his spending and unpaid bills they can do as mentioned above, it's too late for his drinking- unless his doctor estimated he could benefit from naltrexone to tone it down.

i don't see how you imagine him performing at a job after several strokes, with dementia and a drinking problem, unless his therapist estimates he could benefit from occupational therapy . at that age, and in that condition- they usually don't.

not sure what your expectations are here, but it sounds like you'd rather he behave as if he wasn't a demented alcoholic. they aren't easy to deal with, i know, so decide how involved you guys want to be in his care. your husband can chip in by paying a bill, or decide not to and simply let the rest of the family handle him as they see fit. if you feel their care is insufficient, get him a social worker. when his state deteriorates she can get him into an assisted living live-in communitiy if he refuses to go to a home.

I also think it's time for a member of the family to take control of and properly manage his finances (or lack thereof). My husband and I have volunteered to do this, but I don't think MIL or SIL will agree that it's a good idea (because FIL isn't willing to give up control or change).

 

At this point, Guy manages everything from his father's MD appointments, nail trims for the dog, and soon, moving his father to cheaper housing. Guy says that he needs to be there for the move, but he has moved his father multiple times now and the costs to do so have added up. I am insisting this time that movers are hired. Guy says that he needs to be there and that I cannot tell him what he can and cannot do.

 

I don't think it's fair that Guy's father can act any way he pleases without any consequences. Everyone tip-toes around him, not mentioning his alcohol problem, not mentioning that he cannot act out when he feels stressed. He cannot just assume that he can abuse his family and that they will keep managing his life.

upon reading your other threads on FIL, your husband should get a social worker to manage arrangements for fil's care, finances and mental health monitoring. the mother and sister in law are USELESS. he would do well to avoid becoming his care-giver, as your fears of codependency aren't unsubsided.