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Thread: I love my current girlfriend.. But i love my ex more than anyone.

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Clinton
    I don't think you get it. If your fantasy high school girlfriend told you she loved you and wanted to make a life with you, you'd drop your current girlfriend in a flash.

    For the last time that's not love. That's using someone as a placeholder. She's just there to fill a space because you can't be with the one you want.

    I say this not to be mean but you really need counseling. I am not a psychologist but these issues seem deeply seated and seem like they'd need to be explored professionally.
    I understand what youre saying. What ypu say holds some truth. I dont know what i would do if she told me that. Because i love my girlfriend. She has showed me a different kind of love than my ex did. Something she lacked. It was what i always wanted from her. When i started this relationship, she seemed better than my ex in everyway. But as time has passed. I realize there is still a hole. Idk if it is something that will go away. But it is there. I love her in different ways. And always will im guessing. But my mind and heart seem to be fixated on my ex. I cant hurt my girlfriend farther down the line. Should i tell her i have doubts ?
    And maybe i do need more help. But i know my intentions are pure. I dont believe in medicating myself to forget a loved one. She isnt a fantasy. She is part of my life. A large part. Maybe i put a disney view on the whole thing but.. Thats just how i have always thought of her. I want the best for me. Her. And my girlfriend. Which ever way i realize is the true way i feel.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Dl1795
    I spoke to her 2 years ago. My friends have come in contact with her after and they told me once about how she mentioned she would want to maybe try again when we were older. I think she said when she was 25.. Which threw me off.. Its kind of what started these feelings coming back. We made promises to eachother that if something ever happened where we broke up we would find eachother again... I didnt believe it until i heard that she said that to my friend.

    He was trying to get with her and she said no and replied with how she doesnt want to because he was my friend and told him that was why..
    If she hasn't made contact in 2 years....she is NOT interested. And sometimes friends tell you what they think you want to hear - ie, they ask her leading questions and take what she says out of context and reports back a half truth. If she really wanted to try again - she would have contacted you and told you she wished she weren't in a relationship or if not, would have sent you breadcrumbs - meaningless "how are ya" texts just to make sure she occasionally was able to keep tabs on your wherabouts. And because her FRIEND is seeing you - that sort of puts the nail on the coffin. I would never steal someone from a friend and i would never go back to someone a friend is with.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    you should contact her directly to confirm your feelings and hers. You both may be quite different now. Is she on FB, what does she look like now? Is she with someone?
    She is on FB im pretty sure.. But im not anymore. She may be different. She is with a japanese guy. And is staying with him in japan... Thats what i heard from a friend. And they showed me a picture of them. He was a fan of her model page i guess. And she wanted to meet him. Tbats what i was told atleast.. And she might be happier that way. Idk.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Dl1795
    I understand what youre saying. What ypu say holds some truth. I dont know what i would do if she told me that. Because i love my girlfriend. She has showed me a different kind of love than my ex did. Something she lacked. It was what i always wanted from her. When i started this relationship, she seemed better than my ex in everyway. But as time has passed. I realize there is still a hole. Idk if it is something that will go away. But it is there. I love her in different ways. And always will im guessing. But my mind and heart seem to be fixated on my ex. I cant hurt my girlfriend farther down the line. Should i tell her i have doubts ?
    And maybe i do need more help. But i know my intentions are pure. I dont believe in medicating myself to forget a loved one. She isnt a fantasy. She is part of my life. A large part. Maybe i put a disney view on the whole thing but.. Thats just how i have always thought of her. I want the best for me. Her. And my girlfriend. Which ever way i realize is the true way i feel.
    Yes, you should come clean to your girlfriend about your doubts. It will likely end the relationship but it's the right thing to do. It takes courage to do that as it will hurt both you and her but it's still the right thing to do.

    And yes, you should get counseling. And you must be unfamiliar with counseling if you think they'll medicate your memories away. Doesn't work that way.

    It's telling that you say "She isnt a fantasy. She is part of my life. A large part." Because that really should have been in the past tense.

    I sincerely wish you luck with this obsession. I hope you get clear of it. It seems to have taken over your life.

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  6. #25
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    why do you say you can't tell your girlfriend because she will be crushed? according to you, you love her. who is crushed by the news they are so splendidly loved?

    if you can't tell her the truth, it's because the truth doesn't make you look good and because you would no longer have "a safer option" (that is literally how you described your girlfriend) in case your ex has yet another new boyfriend the minute she's back from japan.

    truth. what's that again?
    1. you haven't stopped thinking about your ex since the break up
    2.you couldn't touch your girlfriend without an artificial erection because she isn't your ex
    3. you are still having problems because she isn't your ex
    4.you have decided noone will ever compare to your ex
    5.you will try again with your ex when she gets back from japan
    6. and you are still stringing your girlfriend along so to chain-date one after the other.



    if this form of love is indeed love then you should have no issue telling your girlfriend "hey babe, when i say i love you, i mean : insert 1-6."

    but who the heck cares that all of this is incredibly unfair, disrespectful and manipulative to your girlfriend and will damage her for years to come. as long as you have someone t replace the one who cannot be replacd until that one is back. the lacanian search for the ever elusive "Thing" never took a form so selfish.

    and yes, you have ongoing psychological disturbance since the day you fell for your ex, and the disturbance is addiction. you were addicted to her, then replaced that with adictive self-harm, then substance abuse, then to addiction to relationships and all the while remained addicted to the excitement that went with idealizing her and the relationship with her.

    the meta disturbance where your body doesn't allow you intimacy with your girlfriend is called inhibition pure and simple. while it feels compulsive- it isn't. it's chosen. because it serves a purpose. the purpose is to prevent the ego to act against the morals of the super-ego. the moral objection being "thou shalt not eff 1 while wanting to eff 2, because it is unfair however much you rationalize your dishonesty".

    disturbance doesn't come from circumstance, allthough we all think it does. it comes from the inability to bridge the gap between me and Me, to act in accordance with the healthy adult mode.

    but yeah, we're just strangers on the web, not psychiatrists. you'd benefit far more from an actual professional. my point is, people are right, your behavior isn't healthy or fair and you seem to not want any insight into that.

    you could dump your poor girlfriend and return to therapy- and i think you should. but i guess we all get that you won't.


    reading this, i sound so beotchy. i apologize. i'm having a hard time not geting upset when someone is clearly using other people to avoid facing an unhealthy pattern. your girlfriend is in no way benefiting from this relationship. and she'll need the number to whatever center of clinical psychology you seek help at because you are scarring her seriously.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    If she hasn't made contact in 2 years....she is NOT interested. And sometimes friends tell you what they think you want to hear - ie, they ask her leading questions and take what she says out of context and reports back a half truth. If she really wanted to try again - she would have contacted you and told you she wished she weren't in a relationship or if not, would have sent you breadcrumbs - meaningless "how are ya" texts just to make sure she occasionally was able to keep tabs on your wherabouts. And because her FRIEND is seeing you - that sort of puts the nail on the coffin. I would never steal someone from a friend and i would never go back to someone a friend is with.
    I asked her to not contact me when we last spoke. I said it was for the best. But.. Im starting to see things different.. You all have valid points. Some judgemental some thoughtful they all point out things i neglected to look at. I know that this is wrong. But if its not right its not right. I dont really know myself single. I have had to fill the holes with other women and it is complicated. And wrong. But here i have found someone. And i love her.. I owe her my love. I feel a new appreciation for her. And a more realistic view of my past relationship. I owe it to not just her but myself to give this my best effort. She helped me through alot. Weve helped eachother. We both met eachother when grieving a past breakup. She trys. I try. And we made something beautiful out of it.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Dl1795
    She isnt a fantasy. She is part of my life. A large part.
    This is really disturbing. She is NOT any part of your life, only the memory of her and your obsession with her is. And you are NOT any part of her life. She has moved on long ago.

    You haven't spoken in two years.
    She is with someone else.

    What more truth do you need that this is over? I feel so bad for your current girlfriend, who probably has no clue that you are this disordered over a past relationship that ended so long ago. You keep saying you love your girlfriend, and that you want what's best for her etc etc etc. You need to own your actions and understand that what you are doing is making a CHOICE to continue something selfish and pointless that will only end up hurting her. You feel what you feel, I get it. But you are not a victim to your feelings, you are CHOOSING to continue this obsession with your ex and use your current girlfriend as a distraction or whatever. You've asked what you should do:

    1. End things immediately with your current girlfriend
    2. Seek counseling
    3. Leave your prior ex ALONE
    4. Stay completely single until you are mentally and emotionally healthy and ready to be a good partner to a new person

    OR.... keep wallowing and obsessing over your ex, but acknowledge that it's your choice, and you don't have the right to drag innocent people (like your current gf) down with you.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Moontiger's Avatar
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    What is standing out to me the most is that you are accusing people of being judgemental when all we are doing is not feeding into your fantasy and pointing out unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns.

    You are still obsessed with her. I'll say it again, It's not love and it is not healthy.

  10. #29
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    You are in love with the past, not your X. You said that those times were the happiest but think about it. It wasnt because she was great to you. It was happy because doing things for someone made you happy. You saw yourself as a knight in armor here to save your X and you still think of yourself as this great knight that is meant to be with your princess. The girl you met in HS is not the same girl she was. Much like you, she has evolved and she if she moved to another country to be with this guy, that pretty much means she has purged you from her life. As much as you think she thinks of you every day, she hasnt and isnt.
    You are in love with a fantasy...
    Now how would you feel if you were dating a girl who was in love with her X? You would be here posting how you were the rebound and probably be angry how she never told you about the feelings she has for her X still. How when she makes love to you, she is picturing her X. Would that make you happy to hear that? Then why are you doing the same to your current GF?
    You have gotten some good insight, but you want to see what you want to see. You believe your X is still thinking of you and as soon as she comes back she is going to fall into your arms. Even if she gets married you would convince yourself its a sham and that she still loves you. If she has kids with this guy you will think that she will think of them being your kids. There is nothing I can say to convince you that its over...
    So Im just going to say its over...

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Dl1795
    I asked her to not contact me when we last spoke. I said it was for the best. But.. Im starting to see things different.. You all have valid points. Some judgemental some thoughtful they all point out things i neglected to look at. I know that this is wrong. But if its not right its not right. I dont really know myself single. I have had to fill the holes with other women and it is complicated. And wrong. But here i have found someone. And i love her.. I owe her my love. I feel a new appreciation for her. And a more realistic view of my past relationship. I owe it to not just her but myself to give this my best effort. She helped me through alot. Weve helped eachother. We both met eachother when grieving a past breakup. She trys. I try. And we made something beautiful out of it.
    Kind of sad that I can't tell if you're talking about the current or past girlfriend

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