2016... Writing My Next Story

Pretty new here, I have been stalking a few threads, and have posted just a bit. I belonged to a few other random forms, over the past few years, but have felt like I have outgrown them.

I am coming up on the big Five O and fee like I am on the cusp of a whole new phase of my life and am excited about journey.

I was divorced about 6 years ago after 20 years married . Ex was alcoholic and while the first 6-7 years were great, I now realize that we were a perfect storm of borderline personality and codependency.

I have two sons aged 22 and 17.

17 year old just graduated and is soon off to college.

I have had a bumpy career path the past 4 years, but landed a great job a few months ago that I love. My finances have suffered due to career issues and I am hoping to repair them over the next 6-12 months substantially.

I am 2.5 years into a relationship with a great guy that I can see going the distance.

There have been a few yellow flags between us, but I am taking things as they come as after my marriage, I realize that nothing is guaranteed.

Finally, I have not focused on my self-care fitness/health wise as I have been juggling a plethora of stop gap jobs, and it has taken its toll. I was that annoying person that could just eat less for two weeks and lose 5-10 lbs. Not so much anymore.

So.. while I thought that I had already thought I started chapter two of my life, I realize now it was a mere prelude to my next story.

Oddly off today, funny as I felt so up yesterday after beginning this journal. Not sure if it is hormonal or situational. Had decent night with BF, but felt disconnected. His business has been having issues so the physical has slipped off a bit and if I am hormonal, that itch steps it up a bit.

Work was crazy busy yesterday, but productive. Came in today to no power, but we need to stay until at least 11 to see if it comes back on.

Other than that, glad that I ate really healthy yesterday and held to one half glass of wine.

I am wondering if this "idgyness' is my needing to make the next step.

A few rough days at work. Love the ob, but this is our crazy season. I also am struggling with my youngest and a "relationship" he has with a girl long-distance. She came to visit a few days and while she seems nice enough, certainly not who I would see him dating. I had not met her in person until now and I feel totally meh about her. My kid is a sweet one, but so naive. I feel bad that he cares for her and I am not warming up at all. Hoping that college will distract him and relationship wil fizzle out. I tend to internalize my stress and BF must have sensed it. Stepped up and did some really nice things.

Have not run in two days and feeling guilty. Need to get back to it tomorrow.

Still idgy!

Holiday weekend. On the surface all went well. Funny though, reading lots of posts here about others who feel stuck. I know I am working on myself, but feel stuck as well. I think I am also scared that even if my SO's property sells and his business improves, he won't want to take the next steps with me. What then does that mean for us? I love him dearly and we are so compatible, but he is often a cipher, so I don't know where his head is. I don't need or even want a ring, but surely want to move forward. Am I strong enough to tell him all of this and possibly walk away if he doesn't want the same things?

He's afraid, what if living together ends up like his marriage? Well damn life is a risk. So where does that leave us. Together but apart? I love him, but is that enough? He is certainly borderline commitmentphobic. The ILYs are like pulling teeth, but when I pull back, he come forward. How long do I do the dance? I want someone who is the Yea as they say.

I get the financial, realistic issues, but damn, what we have is so unique and we only go around once, why not grab for the brass ring.

Another weird weekend. What is with the mixed push and pull? Am I reading into what he says and does, expecting the worse. This is the first time I have felt emotionally unsafe. Was he making fun of me or am I imagining it? But then he want me to stay when I am hurt and keep it in and then say I am going home. I know he had a few beers and will say he doesn't remember, but this seemed unusual for him. Pushing me away, wanting me to leave so he can be the good guy? Is this all of my own fears? Am I overreacting? What kills me is I know he slept like a rock while I stressed and tossed and turned. How to address calmly when you got 4 hours sleep?

I was feeling so strong when I started this. What happened. Now add to this, Matt is in one of his valley's. How can a child separate themselves from you so much. He is 90% on his own and maybe I should pull back, but I still see the unpaid parking tickets and such and cannot break away from trying to help? If his car is towed, he can't work, if he can't work, he won't make enough money to pay his rent. and on and on. My anxiety is much higher past few weeks too.

How do I help others but still keep my boundaries. I am losing them again.

Then, I am still dealing with Matt and his issues. He cuts em off, and won't get back to me. I know he is 22 and I should let him sink or float, but damn he sis till my son and I love him. He needs support but pushes people away. I miss him so, but hate the drama. Why can't he see that we all make mistakes, Does he hate me? I know I wasn't a perfect mom, but I never neglected him, beat him, turned him into the cops when he stole money when he was using. Now he is stronger, he seems to forget how many people supported him when he was weak. I know he resents the drug treatment, but he was killing himself. Will he ever forgive me?

So, messaged J yesterday and as I suspected, he said he didn't remember any of the conversation. Was apologetic and very sweet. We had a nice night. We talked about how we can overcome things with communication. I am still uneasy about why he chose to tease me in a mean way and then bring up Fred, but letting it go for now. Still sad about Matt, but I need to let go of what I cannot control. Oddest thing is that in all of my anxiety, Kress reached out to me. He is still dealing with issues with C. I know that she is manipulating him with hopes that their marriage will get better. I din't share any of my issues, but offered support should he need. it. We didn't make any plans to get together for lunch. I miss his friendship.

Last odd thoughts rolling around in my head. Why did John feel the need to share so much about Karen with me? Was he just friends with her? Does he want more? I try not to bring up Chris anymore after I saw how it bothered him, why would he keep saying how HOT she was and her dad was/is his neighbor. He is right, he can be an idiot. I know I am the 'cool" girl, but really have no interest in going to Edge any more. I know the past is in the past, but the comments felt weird. I know these are my issues, but need to direct conversation away from topics that bring up my anxiety.

Much needed quieter day. Lots of work and a night in. Lots of check ins from J about the weekend. I thought about my anxiety about our sort of argument. I love him, but how would I be if it didn't work out. He really is my best friend now and I would be most crushed by that. WE have great intellectual and sexual compatibility, plus we have so much fun together. But there are the buts.. will there be enough non-sexual affection for me long term? And will he ever get over his "what if it goes wrong?" anxiety. At this stage of my life I want forever and am I willing to walk away to find it if he isn't the man?

Still waiting to hear from Matt. He says is is working 6-7 days a week, and am sure part of that is the issue, but not sure why he doesn't communicate at all. I love my son, and have done much soul searching to see if I can see where i may have faild. I still don't see it. Talked to Dana about this and she suggests I let go of the guilt. I wish I could afford to see her more often.

Another fun night out with J. We have so much in common. I do have issues a bit with his past. We saw a woman who he said hi to while were out. She seemed to be out on a date or with a BF. Just a quick interaction, but he didn't introduce me. She looked like his type before me, and I immediately wondered if they dated or more. I also think she looked familiar, maybe a singer in a local band? It often crosses my mind if he wishes I were more in his world in that way. Musically talented? Jeez girl Get out of your head.

It is odd how I vacillate between relationship anxiety and thinking how he should thank his lucky stars for me. I am a damn catch. I've lost weight, smart, kind, have a good job. cute. I wonder if he ever has anxiety about losing me or is he just going along with the usual "whatever" attitude? I love this man and wonder if he really loves me. Am I Ms. Right or Ms. Right Now? I know now, better than after Jerry, that I could begin again, and I certainly have options, as Jay and Chris pop back up from time to time (not that I want them.) But do wonder where my life will go. This man treats me well, seems to care, but is he willing/able to give me enough? I know he has loved in the past. Does he have that capacity now? Is my anxiety fear of him stepping away, or wondering if I will get enough. I know one thing. I won't commit long-term again to someone who won't give me their all.

Sadness today. Still no word from Matt. I worry about him so much. Lots of thoughts about my mom and how life is so short. Her illness is sucking the life out of her with no expectation of ever getting better. I feel like my circle is getting smaller. I should not allow this to happen to happen. How do I expand it? I know that a wider range of friends will help me rely on J and work less for my mental well being.

I am still rolling around in my head that J basically gave me a non-answer to living together. I am not ready to fully decide what this will mean for us, but after 3 years, I think it might be a or get off the pot issue. Fear Johnny, we all get it, but what about the fer of losing something great? Where does that fit in? I want you all in or all out. Not in limbo. Part of the issue is my situation with Luke has not created the need for him to consider the future. Sure, you say you want me in your life, and I believe you, but you may have to push through your fear to realize that I may have wants and needs that aren't being met. My bad for not asking for enough.

The stuff with Matt sent me for a loop today. I have no clue where he is coming from. God I love that kid, but jeez, ? I certainly wasn't perfect, but I have treid over and over to apologize and he is so over the top that he can't hear anything but his own demons. What did I do wrong?

Promising myself last post of the day. Need to get out of my head and away from here. Too much work to do. Haven't wanted to address this, but Chris texted again last night and I ignored it.I have nothing to offer him. His moving to NJ means is his decision and has no impact on me. I do not know what he expects to happen 30+ years after he created a fantasy in his head. He has to see that he made a mistake and needs to go back to his wife and daughter. This is a blip and and even if I wasn't with J, I am no one's ego fix.

He knows about John and that it is not changing - as far as he is concerned. I certainly would not want to monkey swing from one relationship into another even if something went south. Back to work and focus girl.

Ok, do it is officially tomorrow. Do I can write back again. Another fun night of generic fun with J. He is a trip. How can I have so much fun and still get aggravated with him? He mentioned he talked to K about the other night and basically admitted he was being a . Progress?

I am seeing a pattern with the drinking and no sex. His drive was pretty damn high when we got together but has declined significantly. When we do, it is good to great, nut the no sex because of drinking scared me based on past experience.

I am starting this week off on a better note. Still am sad and have anxiety about Matt, but cannot make him come to me. I will keep trying to reach out. I love this hard, damaged kd so much it hurts. Had a good weekend with J and he seemed a more open, keeps wanting me with him. Claimed my physical space when we were out more than usual. Was nice actually. We had a small ah ha moment that the day he moves out of the Q store after the sale and the day I move L into dorms is the same day. New beginnings for both of us? Universe is funny. Take things as they come C. Work the gig. Make them love you. Save money, create a safety net and let the relationship go where it will. I have to remember that he is like water.. cannot push it.

Busy day. Quick dinner with L after work. Hard to believe that in 7 days he will be in college. Grabbed few last minute supplies for school. Hoping his dad gets what he committed to. Got groceries and will cook dinner tomorrow. J called and we did usual day recap. I realize that in my low points I forget how consistent he can be. There is comfort there.

Sleep, why do you elude me? Reading much here. Lots of great inspiration. Wondering if I am as laid back as I would like to think, or just too passive. I was in my head so much tonight. Reading just for me, cooking and cleaning. I'll be run in the a.m. Doing for me and letting Luke get ready for next week a good bit on his own feels right.

Better sleep. Morning work out. Dropped off package at post office and stopped by Italian deli for small but tasty lunch of ham and olives. Work is still crazy, but keeps anxiety about Matt at bay.

Have been neglectful here. A great day for J. He sold his property, paying off bills. Not a total solution, but so much better for him. He has not talked about brewery, so thinking there will not be enough to move forward with that. He had a bid cash sale on instrument, a great article and a call about custom build. We had celebration dinner with Kirk. It was a good night. Luke seems to be taking the reigns on classes for school, so proud. Work going well and i had a great class yesterday. I am very tired lately and not sure why. I need to join a gym, hoping exercise will give me more energy. Nothing still from Matt. This is making me so anxious. I worry so about him. Chris called again. We talked about his music aspirations in Philly. He asked if I would come see him, even asked me to bring J. It doesn't feel right. I know Chris has other motives. I declined , but wished him luck with the gig. I asked about his family. He said he is not up to talking about it now. 50 is too old to try for a new career in music if you ask me. Not that he did. I feel so sad for his wife and child.