Bachelor party...strip clubs...guys opinion

My fiancé went to his best friend bachelor party. He claimed they did not go to a strip club. He knows that I look at his phone (due to some issues in the past) and he has many group chats with his friends and he usually deletes his chats that are just one on one. But, I noticed that he kept a conversation where he messaged his friend jokingly that too bad they didn’t go to a strip club, but glad they had a good time.

I can’t help but think he kept that message on purpose for me to see…why is he going out of his way to send a message like that?

His best friend and him are the type that will cover for each other so I can’t help but think that message was just sent to make it seem like they did not go (knowing that I will see it) when in fact they did. Or he actually did not go and he kept that message to show it to me if I ever question him…

Am I overthinking this? Guys what is your opinion?

Thank you for your responses in advance.

Wow. I hope that type of distrust and second guessing does not extend into your marriage. Divorces are even more expensive than weddings.

His best friend and him are the type that will cover for each other so I can’t help but think that message was just sent to make it seem like they did not go (knowing that I will see it) when in fact they did. Or he actually did not go and he kept that message to show it to me if I ever question him

I think you shouldn't get married. You invade his privacy because you don't trust him. And when you invade it, you distrust the fact there's nothing incriminating. What's the point? Sounds miserable as ****.

no trust, no relationship.

What happened in the past that you feel the need to look at his phone? I'm just curious. I know that transparency is vital in terms of healing after an affair in a relationship or marriage. But it sounds like you don't trust him on a very, very deep level, thinking that he would send that message because he had an ulterior motive to send a message to you.

You look at his phone eh?

This relationship sounds like a barrel of laughs.

Reading your other posts about this guy and in general I see this:

You don't trust him

You think he will or has cheated on you

You are obsessing over strip clubs and bachelor parties and what goes on at them.

You have trust issues anyways and this fiancé is bringing out the worst in you and making your fears worse. Almost exactly a year ago you posted a thread about red flags about this guy and from reading your other posts those red flags are still bright red and still waving in your face.

Why are you marrying him?

Lost

The bigger issue here is why are you with a guy that has you being his mom. Seriously, nothing is more unsexy and it's just ridiculous.

People who have to "parent" a partner wonder why they're relationship is bad, but if you have to monitor the guy at all then all it tells me is you're not accepting the man in front of you and instead you're trying to change him.

Don't. Either be 1000 percent fine with who he is or walk and tell him you're done playing Mommy, he needs to grow up, and you're going to go find an adult to have a life with.

Seriously, way too many of you people are putting up with man-child and women-child people then you wonder why your relationships have issues.

As a parent I have kept tabs on my kids social media, phones and interactions because they were not old enough to defend themselves and didn't have the life experience to be able to always spot and deal with bad people. I never do that with my husband. He's an adult who has proven to me I can trust him. If he ever unproves that he knows the door is that-a-way, because I'm not his mom.

Adopt the same attitude. If this guy can't be trusted tell him there's the door, you want a grown up for a partner. And stop playing Mom. You shouldn't have to check his phone, your only interest in it should be, "Honey, can you take this picture, your phone camera is better than mine." OR "Crap, my battery is dead and we're gonna be late, give me your phone and I'll call the restaurant to make sure they hold our reservations." And your man or woman should easily say, "Sure thing hon, here you go."

Anything other than the above, and you're doing the relationship wrong or are in the wrong relationship. Period.

If you have to have his phone that should tell you right there you need to not get married! Trust! Is one of the main pillars in a relationship especially marriage. You don't trust him and you feel the need to keep tabs on him. That's the start of something that will make you miserable and him as well.

Lisa

The bigger issue here is why are you with a guy that has you being his mom. Seriously, nothing is more unsexy and it's just ridiculous.

 

People who have to "parent" a partner wonder why they're relationship is bad, but if you have to monitor the guy at all then all it tells me is you're not accepting the man in front of you and instead you're trying to change him.

 

Don't. Either be 1000 percent fine with who he is or walk and tell him you're done playing Mommy, he needs to grow up, and you're going to go find an adult to have a life with.

 

Seriously, way too many of you people are putting up with man-child and women-child people then you wonder why your relationships have issues.

 

As a parent I have kept tabs on my kids social media, phones and interactions because they were not old enough to defend themselves and didn't have the life experience to be able to always spot and deal with bad people. I never do that with my husband. He's an adult who has proven to me I can trust him. If he ever unproves that he knows the door is that-a-way, because I'm not his mom.

 

Adopt the same attitude. If this guy can't be trusted tell him there's the door, you want a grown up for a partner. And stop playing Mom. You shouldn't have to check his phone, your only interest in it should be, "Honey, can you take this picture, your phone camera is better than mine." OR "Crap, my battery is dead and we're gonna be late, give me your phone and I'll call the restaurant to make sure they hold our reservations." And your man or woman should easily say, "Sure thing hon, here you go."

 

Anything other than the above, and you're doing the relationship wrong or are in the wrong relationship. Period.

Constantly policing your relationship and being on guard is extremely bad. Constantly policing your relationship and then trying to read something into nothing, imagining that your SO is intentionally sending messages of a certain type to other people and as a message to you is entering crazy land. Do you see it?

Either get out of this relationship because it is making you crazy for good cause or get yourself into therapy because you have trust issues to address of your own making. Either way, do not marry until these trust issues are resolved. You are living in hell and marriage won't make that better, only worse.

II'm with you on about half your post, but I'm a bit perplexed as to where you're getting this guy is a man-child. All I'm seeing is the woman went through his **** and didn't like that she didn't find anything bad.

I agree with j.man. I think that you need to seriously look at yourself and the relationship and decide if it's worth staying in. There's no reason to be going through your significant other's phone. It only makes you more suspicious and causes you to obsess over things you find and don't find. It's a vicious cycle and you're just going to let your wandering thoughts ruin the relationship.

Furthermore, if he was going to cheat, he would do it. Anyone with half a brain can figure out a way to cheat, without getting caught. Why would you want to be with someone who you believe is capable of that? Going to a strip club, however, is not cheating. It was just a guy's night out to celebrate and have fun with the groom. Don't read so much into this.

The bigger issue here is why are you with a guy that has you being his mom. Seriously, nothing is more unsexy and it's just ridiculous.

 

People who have to "parent" a partner wonder why they're relationship is bad, but if you have to monitor the guy at all then all it tells me is you're not accepting the man in front of you and instead you're trying to change him.

 

Don't. Either be 1000 percent fine with who he is or walk and tell him you're done playing Mommy, he needs to grow up, and you're going to go find an adult to have a life with.

 

Seriously, way too many of you people are putting up with man-child and women-child people then you wonder why your relationships have issues.

 

As a parent I have kept tabs on my kids social media, phones and interactions because they were not old enough to defend themselves and didn't have the life experience to be able to always spot and deal with bad people. I never do that with my husband. He's an adult who has proven to me I can trust him. If he ever unproves that he knows the door is that-a-way, because I'm not his mom.

 

Adopt the same attitude. If this guy can't be trusted tell him there's the door, you want a grown up for a partner. And stop playing Mom. You shouldn't have to check his phone, your only interest in it should be, "Honey, can you take this picture, your phone camera is better than mine." OR "Crap, my battery is dead and we're gonna be late, give me your phone and I'll call the restaurant to make sure they hold our reservations." And your man or woman should easily say, "Sure thing hon, here you go."

 

Anything other than the above, and you're doing the relationship wrong or are in the wrong relationship. Period.

I kind of see what you mean.

However, I also have the woman down as being a woman-child for being so insecure that she still disrespectfully checks his phone.

Looks like both of them are children.

thanks to some of the responders, I guess I need to look at my own trust issues.

Some posts are just not needed and very condemning and useless. Zaphod

Some posts are just not needed and very condemning and useless. Zaphod

thanks to some of the responders, I guess I need to look at my own trust issues.

 

Some posts are just not needed and very condemning and useless. Zaphod

Tempted to fire shots back, but we'll go with the gentle approach.

I'm sorry you feel that way. My posts are neither useless nor condemning, but they are to the point. I suspect you are on the defensive because we've made you realise that checking your partners phone indicates deep insecurity issues within yourself. If this leads to a positive improvment in your well-being then I'm glad.

Good luck with everything.

Yes...I believe it's over guessing. Sometimes people can text something for someone else's amusement. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with a strip club for a bachelor party..just a little foolishness....no relationship material ...just a bunch of guys laughing and playing. No different than a male stripper at a bachelorette party. What happened with incidents in the past?

To the OP... You're either going to have to trust your man or you're not. It's pretty simple. If he said he didn't go to a strip club with his bachelor buddy... then believe him. Just trust him until you catch him in a lie... Then you drop a hammer on his head.

You're wasting a lot of energy by stressing out over this probable non-existent scenario.

I don't recall seeing where he has lied to you in the past. If he has... Well, then you may have a complaint.

However, I also have the woman down as being a woman-child for being so insecure that she still disrespectfully checks his phone. Looks like both of them are children.

This is what I'm talking about with man-child and women-child. I was speaking in general about these types of relationships, not specifically referring to OP or her SO, because I keep seeing this issue over and over played out with both men and women complaining they can't trust their SO, trying to keep tabs on them, acting like a parent with a child.

It's just relationships should be based on trust. And if you look at OP's past posts on this particular guy it's not a good history, one that would make me really wonder why she's even contemplating marriage to the guy.

And I think deep down the OP knows this is a bad decision to marry such a person. That was the point of my post.

OP you know deep inside whether or not this is a good idea.

Thank you for your responses. The trust issues started based on catching him in a lie in the past.

He is great to me and treats me well. But, I know I also overthink and read into things too much and this is not a healthy direction if I want to keep this relationship but he also needs to make changes to help the situation.

Thank you gigiselle, Knot2loud and ParisPaulette

This is what I'm talking about with man-child and women-child. I was speaking in general about these types of relationships, not specifically referring to OP or her SO, because I keep seeing this issue over and over played out with both men and women complaining they can't trust their SO, trying to keep tabs on them, acting like a parent with a child.

Thanks for explainig, appreciate it.