Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 23 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 221

Thread: Why wonít partner work despite many attempts to be helpful and understanding?

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2016
    Posts
    80
    Gender
    Male

    Why wonít partner work despite many attempts to be helpful and understanding?

    Iím in a LTR, 7 years now, 5 years married in late 30s. The issue is my partner doesnít appear to want to work. We donít have children and even still I canít motivate her to find employment. When we met she had employment but 2 years in lost her job and hasnít bothered to go back into work.

    It would be all good and well if I was made of lot of money but Iím not. I do reasonable well, have a very busy job and many other side activities which generate small amounts of income. Iíve tried everything from not talking about it, to motivating her to seek employment by making suggestions, sending job ideas from the internet. I even got her a part time position through a friend which she ultimately left without finding another job.

    Itís become very stressful seeing also that I borrowed money from my father sometimes ago to renovate the apartment we live in. He wants me to pay him back month by month but I just have enough to make it through each month. He canít understand why she wonít work and contribute to the loan. If it wasnít for my father having such goodwill things could be much worse. It has put a strain on the relationship between he and I though. Secondary to this is sometimes I fall short on funds and have to borrow or canít pay bills on time. My credit rating is effected and have to deal with the stress talking to debt collectors during my working day. I hate doing it. Several times Iíve come razor close of being taken court over debt to dodge my way out of it with a late supply of funds or strike a deal with the collector.

    She is generally good around the apartment but we also employ a cleaner so itís not a lot of work to do. She likes to cook but asks for money for food. She doesnít spend much but chooses to sit at home and not do a lot. Just looks on the internet a lot and watches TV. In morningís when I go to work, often she is still sleeping. Iíve tried to talk about it and she might make a little effort to pretend to send out a CV but it comes to nothing. She is intelligent and has many skills but most are lost through the lack of work in the last 5 years.

    I should also mention that Iím very motivated person and do many things as well as work, like keeping fit, meeting people etc. which she is not.

    The question I guess Iím asking, is it time to kick this to the curb? I really have tried but canít see her changing or turning things around. I really canít see any way to salvage anymore from the relationship. I really just want to get on with my own life and concentrate on me, earning more money and eventually be with someone who respects that in relationships most of the time two people will have to work unless there is children etc. Any opinions would be welcome, most of all why would someone just not want to work and see their partner suffer because of it?

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Not possible to determine accurately due to gravitational lensing.
    Posts
    1,100
    Gender
    Male
    I don't think there's a morality attached to work, for example, if I were rich, I wouldn't expect my partner to work just for the sake of it.

    However, in your situation, it does directly affect your finances, apparently. You are falling a bit short.

    How about a compromise and she works part-time?

    Maybe she doesn't realise how much you're suffering? Or maybe she does and just can't be bothered. have you explained to her?

    Perhaps losing her job depressed her, and she can't seem to get back into it.

    You are motivated and she isn't - nothing wrong with either, it takes all sorts, but you are different from each other. One thing I would say is I believe every human deserves a right to be comfortable and proud in their work, rather than just slaving away for peanuts, miserable for eight hours a day. If it was me, maybe I'd suggest helping her to look for a satisfactory, comfortable, part time job. Perhaps there's something she can do from home?

    What confuses me is she hasn't worked for five years now - you must have been happy with her up until now? Seems like rather a long time to suddenly decide now you aren't happy with it? Or have you just been holding out and hoping she'll find something?

  3. #3
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    192
    I would suggest to fire the maid and have a real talk with your wife. Not attacking her. Say from your perspective and how you feel about it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,861
    Gender
    Male
    I think you should suggest she move out because she seems oblivious to any financial strain and you don't want to support her.
    Originally Posted by milk45wentout
    I really just want to get on with my own life and concentrate on me, earning more money and eventually be with someone who respects that in relationships most of the time two people will have to work

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2016
    Posts
    80
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Zaphod
    However, in your situation, it does directly affect your finances, apparently. You are falling a bit short.

    How about a compromise and she works part-time?

    Maybe she doesn't realise how much you're suffering? Or maybe she does and just can't be bothered. have you explained to her?


    If it was me, maybe I'd suggest helping her to look for a satisfactory, comfortable, part time job. Perhaps there's something she can do from home?

    What confuses me is she hasn't worked for five years now - you must have been happy with her up until now? Seems like rather a long time to suddenly decide now you aren't happy with it? Or have you just been holding out and hoping she'll find something?
    I managed to get her a part-time job in a small company very close to home, walking distance. Alas after a period of time she didn't like it. I thought it would be enjoyable but there always seemed to be a problem.

    I would agree its been brewing for a long time and perhaps I'm too nice, I was hoping she would find something because she is genuinely an intelligent person with diverse skills that could work.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2016
    Posts
    80
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by membername
    I would suggest to fire the maid and have a real talk with your wife. Not attacking her. Say from your perspective and how you feel about it.
    Agreed, I tried that a few times, there acceptance that "I'm right" but then springs back into regular routine. Occasionally she'll pretend to apply for a job, a job application form will sit on the kitchen table for a few days then disappear.

    I guess there is no changing, just so frustrating.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,426
    Because some people are deadbeats. If you enable it, they'll be sure to oblige.

    I'd kick her to the curb were I you. You've got your own struggles and she's just another mouth to feed. Hell, you're even still paying for a maid even with her at home all day. It's completely inexcusable in my book and I don't have the time nor the will to father a woman and motivate her to be an independent adult.

    There are plenty of great women out there who'd be more than happy to pull their own weight financially. You're missing out.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    192
    I agree. Well in that case. Have a talk with her again but tell her exactly what you said here. That you are so frustrated that she has to start stepping up or its done.

    Don't think about the other avenue until you have absolutely tired everything you can. If you get her another job or if its on her own, she HAS to keep it.

    I would even suggest that until you see change seriously financially cut back. No Maid. Other than basic costs - nothing. If she wants something - she can get a job and earn her way. Maybe she has all provided for her so there is no urgency in her mind. If you were to split guess what - she would have to get an income. (unless you have to pay support

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,065
    Gender
    Female
    I would fire the cleaner right now because you don't have the money. If she wants to cleaner, she has to get a job to pay the cleaner. I would also find out what other luxuries you cannot afford and cut them out, too. Has she sought counseling? Sometimes after losing a job you get into a funk.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    5,793
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by milk45wentout
    The question I guess Iím asking, is it time to kick this to the curb? I really have tried but canít see her changing or turning things around. I really canít see any way to salvage anymore from the relationship. I really just want to get on with my own life and concentrate on me, earning more money and eventually be with someone who respects that in relationships most of the time two people will have to work unless there is children etc. Any opinions would be welcome, most of all why would someone just not want to work and see their partner suffer because of it?
    The expression "kick this [or him or her] to the curb" makes me cringe. Just the visual. However, I think you put the cart before the horse by taking out a loan for renovations without your wife working. That seems to condone her not working, as does hiring a cleaner when she doesn't work. Step 1 is to get your house in order, straighten out your finances, cut out luxuries (housecleaner, internet, cable, special foods, dining out, travel) and pay off your debt and establish a savings/safety net. Doing "reasonably well" and coming "razor close of being taken court over debt" are not the same thing in my book. Struggling with debt is what it is: a money problem. You need to see it for what it is and be firm. She is part of the problem, yes, but it sounds like a dynamic that involves both of you. You can't change her, and "kicking it to the curb" may not be the best way to solve the problem. (For one thing, divorcing an unemployed spouse may have a different outcome for you than divorcing an employed spouse.) You cannot control her, but you can change yourself, make changes, have boundaries, and cut out all but the essentials until she has proven that she will contribute to the finances in a reliable way. Good luck.

Page 1 of 23 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •