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Thread: Why wonít partner work despite many attempts to be helpful and understanding?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by journeynow
    You both could be operating with an "I would do IF..." mindset. Which is a big IF and relies on something other than yourself. So nothing changes. Sounds like you've already made your decision, you are done with this relationship, so are you ready to talk to a lawyer?

    Very true, we are in a holding pattern. I'm ready to take a 6 month break, that would be my suggestion, a trial separation.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member greta96's Avatar
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    She is the way she is because you are enabling her laziness. At the very least, if she doesn't want to work, she can make sure the house is spotless and meals are on the table daily, without the help of a maid or spending money to eat out.

    I'm not sure why others suggest you keep trying, if it was me I would totally end this for the mere fact that you two are completely different. Plus, I don't like leeches and I would never break my back for one. She's not disabled, she's not stupid, so there is no reason why she wouldn't put in the effort and help out. If she's depressed (which I doubt is the case but let's give her the benefit of the doubt) then she can see a doctor and get that under control. Letting you do all the hard work while she's sitting with her a$$ on the couch all day long watching TV is just wrong, and nobody should put up with it.
    To me, it warrants a split.

    #1 Fire the maid
    #2 Do not give her any money to eat out or buy stuff
    #3 Stop babying her and sending resumes for her, and stop asking her to get a job. Walk out and let her figure out her own life. She will only get off her butt and become a functioning member of society when she sees she has no other choice, and that mooching off a man isn't really a sustainable way to live.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did she stop working as soon as you got married?
    Originally Posted by milk45wentout
    Iím in a LTR, 7 years now, 5 years married in late 30s. When we met she had employment but 2 years in lost her job and hasnít bothered to go back into work.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by greta96
    She is the way she is because you are enabling her laziness. At the very least, if she doesn't want to work, she can make sure the house is spotless and meals are on the table daily, without the help of a maid or spending money to eat out.

    I'm not sure why others suggest you keep trying, if it was me I would totally end this for the mere fact that you two are completely different. Plus, I don't like leeches and I would never break my back for one. She's not disabled, she's not stupid, so there is no reason why she wouldn't put in the effort and help out. If she's depressed (which I doubt is the case but let's give her the benefit of the doubt) then she can see a doctor and get that under control. Letting you do all the hard work while she's sitting with her a$$ on the couch all day long watching TV is just wrong, and nobody should put up with it.
    To me, it warrants a split.

    #1 Fire the maid
    #2 Do not give her any money to eat out or buy stuff
    #3 Stop babying her and sending resumes for her, and stop asking her to get a job. Walk out and let her figure out her own life. She will only get off her butt and become a functioning member of society when she sees she has no other choice, and that mooching off a man isn't really a sustainable way to live.
    Yup. It'd be one thing if she were taking a few months too long to find a job, but we're talking 3+ years. Unfortunately, I highly suspect should the OP divorce her, she'll try her best to take him to the cleaners to continue subsidizing her lifestyle. Since he's tolerated her lack of motivation and enabled her for so long, he'll likely get stung.

    OP, before I'd consider gambling on trial separations or trying to work with her for the next year or two, I'd consult a divorce attorney and see what kind of financial ramifications you could face for your efforts. You're entering into "moderate" length territory now and divorces generally start to get a lot rougher for the breadwinner.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You are talking about debt collectors and lawsuits - is your wife actually aware of the severity of the situation or are you hiding that from her?
    There is a big difference between "I want you to go get a job" and "if you don't take this job we will be homeless".

    Your post is really contradictory - you say you are fine, but then you are one breath away from financial disaster, but then you keep a maid.....
    I can only echo other posters - fire the maid, cancel tv, internet, sell whatever luxury items you might have - before you do that sit your wife down and let her know how dire the finances are and what's going to happen and why. Perhaps that will wake her up. Otherwise, you may just whine about money but you are paying a maid, so ....surely....you are just whining....right?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Did she stop working as soon as you got married?
    Yes, fairly much so, once we were engaged.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    You are talking about debt collectors and lawsuits - is your wife actually aware of the severity of the situation or are you hiding that from her?
    There is a big difference between "I want you to go get a job" and "if you don't take this job we will be homeless".

    Your post is really contradictory - you say you are fine, but then you are one breath away from financial disaster, but then you keep a maid.....
    I can only echo other posters - fire the maid, cancel tv, internet, sell whatever luxury items you might have - before you do that sit your wife down and let her know how dire the finances are and what's going to happen and why. Perhaps that will wake her up. Otherwise, you may just whine about money but you are paying a maid, so ....surely....you are just whining....right?
    Yes she is aware but pretends it not really happening as I'm the one who takes those calls or has to stave off a court order. It is really just leapfrogging from one non-payment issue to the next. The elephant in the room is her unemployment. $1000 a month extra would make that difference, it really would. I agree 6 months is fine to be out of work but years is abnormal and not fair. It has built up a fair degree of resentment in me. I admit I was blind to it at the beginning thinking, "this is what men do, they provide" but I'm well beyond that state now.

    I fully understand the implications of what is to come but the implications of if I stay I feel are just as bad if not worse.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by greta96
    She is the way she is because you are enabling her laziness. At the very least, if she doesn't want to work, she can make sure the house is spotless and meals are on the table daily, without the help of a maid or spending money to eat out.

    I'm not sure why others suggest you keep trying, if it was me I would totally end this for the mere fact that you two are completely different. Plus, I don't like leeches and I would never break my back for one. She's not disabled, she's not stupid, so there is no reason why she wouldn't put in the effort and help out. If she's depressed (which I doubt is the case but let's give her the benefit of the doubt) then she can see a doctor and get that under control. Letting you do all the hard work while she's sitting with her a$$ on the couch all day long watching TV is just wrong, and nobody should put up with it.
    To me, it warrants a split.

    #1 Fire the maid
    #2 Do not give her any money to eat out or buy stuff
    #3 Stop babying her and sending resumes for her, and stop asking her to get a job. Walk out and let her figure out her own life. She will only get off her butt and become a functioning member of society when she sees she has no other choice, and that mooching off a man isn't really a sustainable way to live.
    I don't disagree with you. I should say I owned the apartment before I met her. I worked day and not through my late 20's to save the deposit.

    We are different and its long gone. I do spend a lot of time alone for the simple fact that even on weekends she doesn't even want to leave the apartment, I end up going out alone.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by milk45wentout
    Yes she is aware but pretends it not really happening as I'm the one who takes those calls or has to stave off a court order. It is really just leapfrogging from one non-payment issue to the next. The elephant in the room is her unemployment. $1000 a month extra would make that difference, it really would. I agree 6 months is fine to be out of work but years is abnormal and not fair. It has built up a fair degree of resentment in me. I admit I was blind to it at the beginning thinking, "this is what men do, they provide" but I'm well beyond that state now.

    I fully understand the implications of what is to come but the implications of if I stay I feel are just as bad if not worse.
    Look if you can afford to pay for the maid and you are taking the collection calls, I would bet money that she is not really aware and thinks you are just lying to her about the finances. Start getting rid of stuff. Let the collection calls come to her - even if she doesn't handle them, that might be the cold bucket of wake up that she needs. Cancel tv, cut bills as much as possible. No eating out and put a severe limit on the food budget, time to start clipping coupons and shopping in the sale isle. Zero budget for anything non-essential. She wants a new pair of shoes...no funds, take the old ones to repair.

  11. #30
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    As posters said to and extent you are enabling her and you have as much as her in this. You have to get serious as suggested. Its the only way. You need to work on your relationship as this is no doubt affected. Your frustration and resentment has had to have taken a toll.

    But you took a vow for better or worse. Not for better or until whatever. You married and fell inlove with her for a reason. And the grass is not going to be greener. Someone else will have their own drama. So water your own lawn.

    Really talk and try to alter your life. And don't just talk back it up. Stop enabling her. The maid's salary could go to helping paying loans. You can both clean your apt when she gets a job.

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