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Thread: Why wonít partner work despite many attempts to be helpful and understanding?

  1. #11
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    No. Do not kick your wife to the curb. She is not cheating on you, etc. What about your vows? I think that if you scale way back, you could address the concern in a different way. Instead of acting like her parent, or telling her "get a job" maybe there is something going on depression wise that you need to address as a couple.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    In most states, big time alimony kicks in after 7 years and you're 5 in. Many courts won't care if there was a kid in the picture or not. Financial dependence is financial dependence with or without a good reason for it. I wouldn't drag your feet. She either shapes up fast, getting the counseling if necessary, or it's time to do what you need to do for your own financial security.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    There are plenty of great women out there who'd be more than happy to pull their own weight financially. You're missing out.
    This is what I keep coming back to. I know the grass is not always amazingly greener but I've already met so many great women in a friendship context who work, like to work because it gives them independence and a social life amongst other things.

    I just can't see myself keep pulling a weight for more years on end...

  4. #14
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    I might add, things go before people. Renovated apartment? Sell and scale down. Expenses? Slash to the bare minimum. Second car? Sell it if she is not working. And work on the relationship. Get counseling. abitbroken is right, you made a commitment to her, and that means figuring out the relationship, working to repair where it is damaged. I think she should contribute, you think she should contribute, she may think she is contributing, but in any event, it isn't working for you now and you need to address that. I know you said you've tried talking, try again, try differently, do differently (make financial changes that affect both of you), discuss your new financial plan and goal and what is needed as a couple. Keep working on communicating. And tell her you are serious and show it by booking a series of marriage counseling visits. Go whether she goes or not.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    No. Do not kick your wife to the curb. She is not cheating on you, etc. What about your vows? I think that if you scale way back, you could address the concern in a different way. Instead of acting like her parent, or telling her "get a job" maybe there is something going on depression wise that you need to address as a couple.
    I do agree with you but I have tried this and found her a counselor, which she enjoyed but didn't make fundamental changes. That's the crux of the issue, I'm the one arranging these aspects, there is not a lot of self help and I think if she was on her own she would (re)learn how to be independent. I don't think I help by continually doing all the propping up.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by milk45wentout
    I do agree with you but I have tried this and found her a counselor, which she enjoyed but didn't make fundamental changes. That's the crux of the issue, I'm the one arranging these aspects, there is not a lot of self help and I think if she was on her own she would (re)learn how to be independent. I don't think I help by continually doing all the propping up.
    She is also comfortable as things are, physically. Don't "prop up". Cut back on "things." If you are working so much, you don't need much of a "nest", right? So if she is hanging out all day in a small, bare nest, she might find some motivation to make changes for the better.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by journeynow
    I might add, things go before people. Renovated apartment? Sell and scale down. Expenses? Slash to the bare minimum. Second car? Sell it if she is not working. And work on the relationship. Get counseling. abitbroken is right, you made a commitment to her, and that means figuring out the relationship, working to repair where it is damaged. I think she should contribute, you think she should contribute, she may think she is contributing, but in any event, it isn't working for you now and you need to address that. I know you said you've tried talking, try again, try differently, do differently (make financial changes that affect both of you), discuss your new financial plan and goal and what is needed as a couple. Keep working on communicating. And tell her you are serious and show it by booking a series of marriage counseling visits. Go whether she goes or not.
    All of this I would do if I felt there was equal contribution on both sides. I'm not comfortable selling up just because one won't contribute. Yes, in a divorce/separation scenario I might just have to do that but emotionally I'm beat, I'm gone.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by milk45wentout
    All of this I would do if I felt there was equal contribution on both sides. I'm not comfortable selling up just because one won't contribute. Yes, in a divorce/separation scenario I might just have to do that but emotionally I'm beat, I'm gone.
    OK, but why did you upgrade your lifestyle before dealing with the financial issues with her?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by milk45wentout
    All of this I would do if I.
    You both could be operating with an "I would do IF..." mindset. Which is a big IF and relies on something other than yourself. So nothing changes. Sounds like you've already made your decision, you are done with this relationship, so are you ready to talk to a lawyer?

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by journeynow
    OK, but why did you upgrade your lifestyle before dealing with the financial issues with her?
    The loan was actually made at a time when we were both working, my father gave me a year before I had to start paying back, which is now turned into 4 years and counting. It was made in good faith and it was more structural and repair, less supping up the property. It needed to be done, it got done and the value of the property has gone up but my father is getting on in age and needs the money to plan for his future.

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