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Thread: Marriage without consummation

  1. #1
    tanya53
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    Marriage without consummation

    It has been 2 years since we are married but we have not consummated our marriage. We are like close friends living in the same house. We even sleep on the same bed but that is about it. It is very weird and embarrassing to discuss this with my friends or family to get help. I married him because he was a nice guy with a good heart and we thought we will work other things out later. But we dont even kiss properly.

    I have had just one boy friend in the past almost 4 years ago whom I have kissed but I could not get that intimacy with my husband.

    I sometimes feel that he is not able to woo me into having sex or even making out. He is straight and so Am I but he turns the blame on me that the issue is with me that I am not attracted to him.

    It is a bit true that I am not physically attracted to him that much but i do love him. We do miss each other when apart and we do care for each other but that is more like a friendly way.

    We both want to make this marriage work in someway. I cannot really think of divorce. I fear if I have done a terrible mistake.
    Sometimes I get so frustrated because I am turned on by complete strangers whom I am attracted to and go into dreams but this never happens with my husband. I do not fancy my husband in that way. In fact I have told him this before our wedding but he persuaded me into the marriage convincing me that things will work out once we are living together (as we were not living together before marriage) .

    I was down for a few months soon after the wedding because I lost my father as I dint even celebrate my wedding anniversary.
    But again I donít think that is a strong reason for our incomplete marriage.
    My husband doesnít force me into sex or making this work. He is such a gentleman that he leaves things if it doesnít make me comfortable but I am and I know he gets frustrated too because of our sexless life.

    He is not ready for a relationship counselling as he fears that we would be advised into getting divorce.

    Please help me.

  2. #2
    WithLove
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    Where are you located? In the US, you have grounds for divorce because the marriage wasn't consummated.

  3. #3
    Heather Dawn
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    It sounds like you've entered into a marriage with a friend, as opposed to someone with whom you're in love.

    May I ask why?

  4. #4
    Hermes
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    Tanya. Can you not see that this situation is highly abnormal and dysfunctional? Counselling is the only way to go if the situation is to be addressed. There is no way you will be advised to get a divorce!! Tell him that. What is going on is that he does NOT want to see a counsellor.

    You said in an older thread:

    yes it is an arranged marriage

    and as you now say:

    "I do not fancy my husband in that way. In fact I have told him this before our wedding but he persuaded me into the marriage convincing me that things will work out once we are living together (as we were not living together before marriage)"

    Unless you both take steps, then you are condemned to a relationship like a brother and sister living under one roof, and that is not a marriage.

    What are you going to do?

    Tanya.

    You also remarked back then:

    "I am 29 and too old to me unmarried or be without a partner. So I felt i dont have much time left and hence agreed to an arranged wedding. Stopping this would affect the guys family and also will shake his confidence and make him embarrassed in front of his family and mine. I really wished I met someone who is in neither of this extreme but think I am not lucky. Also worried that I will end up being single and left alone when all my friends already got settled down in their lives[/B]

  5. #5
    Wiseman2
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    Do you want to have sex with him?
    Quote Originally Posted by tanya53 [Register to see the link]
    we have not consummated our marriage. I do not fancy my husband in that way. In fact I have told him this before our wedding but he persuaded me into the marriage. My husband doesnít force me into sex or making this work.
    He is not ready for a relationship counselling as he fears that we would be advised into getting divorce.

  6. #6
    reinventmyself
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    There are two schools of thought here.
    One is what Withlove just pointed out.
    The other is that this could be compared to arranged marriage in another country.
    Arranged marriage's work out all the time but you have to commit to it and work at it.

    I can't speak for your husband but I don't hear the commitment on your part.
    You either actually commit to making this work or end it.

  7. #7
    tanya53
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    I am an indian living in the UK but neither him nor me want to go through a divorce. In fact we love each other.
    Yes it is kind of an arranged marriage.

  8. #8
    tanya53
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiseman2 [Register to see the link]
    Do you want to have sex with him?
    Not really

  9. #9
    greta96
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    So if you didn't fancy your husband in that way even before marriage, why did you marry him? I mean, it would have been just fine if you were the type of person who didn't feel the need to have sex, there are many marriages out there that are based on friendship and mutual goals/traits, but you clearly want sex and so does he, so how was this going to work?
    I don't believe it's possible to produce chemistry out of thin air, if it's not there it's not there. So if you want sex in your marriage and you absolutely feel no attraction for the man, then get a divorce and find one you are actually attracted to.
    Edit - I just saw that this was an arranged marriage, so now I understand why you married him. My advice still stands though, if you really think you'll be unhappy in this sexless marriage, then the only solution is to end it. Depends on how important sex is to you.

  10. #10
    tanya53
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    Quote Originally Posted by WithLove [Register to see the link]
    Where are you located? In the US, you have grounds for divorce because the marriage wasn't consummated.
    I am an indian living in the UK but neither him nor me want to go through a divorce. In fact we love each other.
    Yes it is kind of an arranged marriage.

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