The end...I now understand

So--I'm venting. My husband had a gophone last year. He never admitted to it but the entries I found were undeniable. I never even looked at his cell phone before this incident. What precipitated me looking/digging was we had the classic all the affair signs/symptoms. I had NEVER looked at his cell phone in 20 years! I'm not a jealous or suspicious natured person. All the signs were there: changes in wardrobe, personal esthetics, increases in "job " related outings, changes in affection, sexual intimacy, etc, etc.. I blamed myself. I decided to take initiative and fix it...except it takes two. I didn't want to accept this fact. I was so confused...after all we wound up having sex 4-5 times per week, going on outings, trips, except--I refused to acknowledge the fact he wasn't working or initiating working on the relationship itself. I lied to myself! So whatever I asked for he would do...but--he would never initiate. Prayer, readings about how to improve a marriage, suggestions on marriage counseling. He'd go along with it but--ONLY upon my request. I've been so blind--I know. I only wanted to fix it. I didn't care where the blame laid...good thing but--I forgot to check if he was invested. This was tricky to figure out. After all-- he was coming home to me, making love to me, working on future plans with me(after years of neglect). So--I tricked myself into thinking he was now invested. But--I was finding he had a gophone(which he never admitted to....doesn't matter I had evidence)..He kept looking for 3 bedroom/2bath homes even when we weren't "fighting"...I found entries...I'm sad but I relieved. I don't want to live a lie. I have loved this man for 24 years. It hurts to let go but--as confusing as thus situation has been I'm no longer sticking my head in the sand. Still--it's horribly painful but I'm ready to deal with this.

I am sorry Gigiselle.

You hung in there and gave him the benefit of the doubt for some time now.

Trust that you did everything you could to save this marriage, unfortunately it takes the commitment from both sides.

Yes, you can let go of the lie now.

I hope you have a lot of support during this time.

Thank you! I don't have lots of support. But--I'm strong! I'm a foreign gal in a strange country. I have no family nearby..still ok...this man was my life! But--I'm ready to let go of a lie.

You fought for your relationship. Even if you have no one beside you, you have yourself and you are enough. You don't need him it seems he needs you more because even though he was somewhere else he couldn't stop coming home to you and etc. Move on with your life, the 24 years was time invested and not time wasted. Don't ever see it as time wasted!

Sympathy - I can see you are in pain and it makes me sad and want to comfort you.

Empathy - I've experienced your crushing pain personally and from that experience I want to help you.

I have no sympathy for you Gigiselle.

Did you get/read Dobson's "Love must be Tough"?

If not, why?

It's weird....I feel relieved! But--also very sad. He won't acknowledge me. I guess that's normal. I need to get used to it. I need to quit trying to fix it..it's really hard and the ONLY reason I'm still in this position in....he doesn't want to. But--I've kept feeding him reasons why this is a good investment. I'm sure he has someone and I don't. It's ok too. He is conflict-avoidant. I can't keep rug sweeping and pretending all is good. Every time I tried to work on the marriage itself he'd get angry...storm out, move to a different room, go to a hotel, threaten divorce, etc. so--I wasn't allowed to ever voice concerns. He had his own way of dealing with things and still staying...that wasn't working for me. This has been the way it's been for 3 years. I can't get close and I can't fix it.

My guess is you will swing in and out of that feeling.

Living in limbo when your gut is screaming at you that something is wrong is a horrible way to live.

The truth is liberating.

I imagine a fair amount of grief is waiting around the corner for you as well.

Maybe not, but I wish you well.

I imagine a fair amount of grief is waiting around the corner for you as well.

Maybe not, but I wish you well.

Me too!!!!!

Sympathy - I can see you are in pain and it makes me sad and want to comfort you.

Empathy - I've experienced your crushing pain personally and from that experience I want to help you.

 

I have no sympathy for you Gigiselle.

 

Did you get/read Dobson's "Love must be Tough"?

If not, why?

I didn't get the book. But--I'm no longer willing to rug sweep and live in limbo. I suggested marriage counseling and he said ok but never took action. He'll pray "over" our marriage if I suggest it... He'll do anything I suggest. He'll ignore problems if I let it. I'm tired of our marriage being my responsibility. I'm not his mother! Instead he continued to look for alternative places to live (without letting me know) but--kept coming home and kept making love to me regularly. I'm tired of being the parent in this relationship.

I would speak a divorce attorney to see what your options are, before he files and blindsides you. What is it you want to fix?

Every time I tried to work on the marriage itself he'd get angry...storm out, move to a different room, go to a hotel, threaten divorce, etc.

It's too bad you didn't.

It explains everything you need to know about him.

Think of it like alcoholism. If your husband was one you would have read the AA book already.

But he's not.

You're lack of understanding is and will continue to be where most of your pain comes from.

Divorce, which may be necessary, will not fix or fill the voids in your psyche. Only knowledge will.

Beware of quick fixes or thinking time alone will heal you.

Only understanding will.

A friend!

I would speak a divorce attorney to see what your options are, before he files and blindsides you. What is it you want to fix?

Yes! I have an appointment for next week. I also know what part I've played in all this. I gave him a blank check! He felt OK with going Upstairs to a separate bedroom every time I'd initiate a discussion on how to "fix" things. I'd tell myself he felt overwhelmed and didn't know how to deal with things but that he'd be back.....and he would be but never to work on our real issues. Sure he was coming home to me but with an exit plan. Well---I never closed the gate on him. But--I imagine my chasing him has made it very safe for him...and I imagine his affair(why else a gophone) more exciting. I'm ready to go. I never in a million years would've imagined myself here. I have been imperfect but loyal, faithful and honest. No marriage can compete with an affair. An affair is exciting by nature and fantasy. Perhaps I recognized it too late. In the end...I'm not willing to live like this...never knowing what awaits me around the corner. I'm taking possession of my destiny again.

What issues won't he discuss/fix?

every time I'd initiate a discussion on how to "fix" things.

Any issue...he doesn't want to discuss anything! If I dare bring any marital issues he takes off. Anyway--we are getting a divorce. I'm tired of being the parent in this relationship.

This isn't advice, it just seem to be a fact when happens, when people you love do hurtful things, sometime you want to do hurtful things back, sometime you just except it. As hard as it is, and hurtful as is it you have to ask yourself....do you want to forgive this, and if you do, do you believe anything will change. OR do you just hope things will change? Do really believe anything will change, because people can change, but only if they aren't willing to own up to what have done, if they don't own up the mistake the likely hood of change is slim. You also have to ask yourself why is he doing what his doing, and where is his morals. So what do you think, will this guy change, did he have a reason he step out side out...everything can be factor, could be slashing out, he could be hurt, or he can just a self-ridges , you been there, you know which of these it is, you have to except that .....and forgive me if I am talking out my , or being stupid, but I am drinking tonight because I am asking myself similar questions about her.

This isn't advice, it just seem to be a fact when happens, when people you love do hurtful things, sometime you want to do hurtful things back, sometime you just except it. As hard as it is, and hurtful as is it you have to ask yourself....do you want to forgive this, and if you do, do you believe anything will change. OR do you just hope things will change? Do really believe anything will change, because people can change, but only if they aren't willing to own up to what have done, if they don't own up the mistake the likely hood of change is slim. You also have to ask yourself why is he doing what his doing, and where is his morals. So what do you think, will this guy change, did he have a reason he step out side out...everything can be factor, could be slashing out, he could be hurt, or he can just a self-ridges , you been there, you know which of these it is, you have to except that .....and forgive me if I am talking out my , or being stupid, but I am drinking tonight because I am asking myself similar questions about her.

I want to forgive. I'm angry at myself for allowing this to go this far. I allowed things I shouldn't have. I rug swept because I was terrified it would end. I told myself it was a phase and would pass. But--it didn't. It isn't him doing it...it's me allowing it. I want my respect back. I think that's what I'm mostly angry at myself. It wasn't him that took it. It was me that allowed it. I'm not sure this can work. I'm willing to go to marriage counseling if he'll also go. My head feels like a mess. There is no way I can see for a resolution without professional help. I'm too angry. He spent 4 nights upstairs and ignoring my pleads to speak. He has figured out the silent treatment really gets to me and employs it frequently. I think it's his way of proving to me he cares the least...it is a form of emotional abuse. I don't think he respects me anymore.

I want to forgive. I'm angry at myself for allowing this to go this far. I allowed things I shouldn't have. I rug swept because I was terrified it would end. I told myself it was a phase and would pass. But--it didn't. It isn't him doing it...it's me allowing it. I want my respect back. I think that's what I'm mostly angry at myself. It wasn't him that took it. It was me that allowed it. I'm not sure this can work. I'm willing to go to marriage counseling if he'll also go. My head feels like a mess. There is no way I can see for a resolution without professional help. I'm too angry. He spent 4 nights upstairs and ignoring my pleads to speak. He has figured out the silent treatment really gets to me and employs it frequently. I think it's his way of proving to me he cares the least...it is a form of emotional abuse. I don't think he respects me anymore.

I am drinking once again...cause I going through similar things. Sucks huh, you love someone and they aren't or didn't love you back. I will tell this, there nothing anybody can say on this forum that will make you feel better or make what your going through any easy for you. All I can is because I have similar issues, I feel you pain, and I sorry you having to put up with it. I know you heartbroken that you faith and trust in person you love is shattering right now...all I say is sorry, and hope things get better for you....and I advise to you is....drink a lot!

you know it's hard to drink and type...please read between the typos

After I wrote that last post I just happened to notice your post count was 248, and I was like holly crap, thats a lot of venting how long has she been at? so I looked at your profile, your 1st post about the gophone was in 11/2015, almost 8 months ago. I can't read 8 months of post, so can you sum it up for me. Has he been cheating for 8 months, or have you just had suppression for 8 months, or have you been trying to get over it, Im just not following it. I am in limbo with my wife, but 8 months seems like a while to be indecisive...out-line for me please, what been going for last 8 months. I am curious and you seem to need to vent.

After I wrote that last post I just happened to notice your post count was 248, and I was like holly crap, thats a lot of venting how long has she been at? so I looked at your profile, your 1st post about the gophone was in 11/2015, almost 8 months ago. I can't read 8 months of post, so can you sum it up for me. Has he been cheating for 8 months, or have you just had suppression for 8 months, or have you been trying to get over it, Im just not following it. I am in limbo with my wife, but 8 months seems like a while to be indecisive...out-line for me please, what been going for last 8 months. I am curious and you seem to need to vent.

Yep... I know. I don't feel undesisve...it's over. I couldn't stop this train from coming. I tried. I wish it could go way but it won't. I'm heart broken. It is what it is.....24 years...it's a harsh end

I am drinking once again...cause I going through similar things. Sucks huh, you love someone and they aren't or didn't love you back. I will tell this, there nothing anybody can say on this forum that will make you feel better or make what your going through any easy for you. All I can is because I have similar issues, I feel you pain, and I sorry you having to put up with it. I know you heartbroken that you faith and trust in person you love is shattering right now...all I say is sorry, and hope things get better for you....and I advise to you is....drink a lot!

I know your pain. It's horrendous.

But--I don't think drink can possibly anesthetize my pain...it's simply not strong enough. I wish I knew what was....I think I'd try it.

I haven't eaten in 5 days....I can't. I know it's the end. I don't blame him..,,I just wish it wasn't so. 24 years together ...it hurts like a MF. He won't go to me to MC. He's done. I respect that but it's not easy.

I know your pain. It's horrendous.

But--I don't think drink can possibly anesthetize my pain...it's simply not strong enough. I wish I knew what was....I think I'd try it.

-Knowledge

I haven't eaten in 5 days....I can't. I know it's the end. 24 years together ...it hurts like...

You must force yourself to eat.

Supplement each hardy meal with high quality/calorie, minimally processed cookies.

Do not think your current weight loss is a good thing.

It will quickly lead to other problems.

You must force yourself to eat.

Supplement each hardy meal with high quality/calorie, minimally processed cookies.

 

Do not think your current weight loss is a good thing.

It will quickly lead to other problems.

I don't remotely think not eating is a good thing. I'm now forcing myself to protein shakes. I know this pain will pass. At the moment it feels unbearable. He ghosted me. The reason he did this is because I confronted him. I asked for marriage counseling, prayer, readings together. He's been in a happy place where I've allowed him to do nothing. It hasn't always been this way. But--I allowed this nonsense.