Bachelor party and upset wife

I've been married for 2 years to my beautiful wife and we have a 2 month old baby. We have an amazing relationship and I always call or text my wife when I'm away from her as she has insecurity issues and constantly thinks that all men are evil. While away last week for a bachelor party, one of the night we decided to go out and my phone died around 7pm in the evening so I never sent her a text message and when I got back to house we were staying at I plugged it in and passed out. I should have used the house phone, or used a friends phone but I didn't. I tried to call her and text her the next day to explain what happened and to apologize for not calling or texting but she would not answer. It has been 4 days now and she is constantly crying and upset. She feels I broke her trust and that I might have cheated on her. The truth is that I have never and would never do that to my wife. I love her and my family so much that it wouldn't even cross my mind. Yes, I know that a lot of guys do bad stuff on bachelor parties. But I'm not one of those guys. I've tried to console her and comfort her but she has lost all trust in me and it has affected our marriage greatly. I feel terrible that she feels this way and I have no idea how to make her feel better. I've told her the absolute truth.

Any advice would help me greatly.

Rusty.

......she has insecurity issues and constantly thinks that all men are evil.

Your wife should really be seeking professional help for these issues. Otherwise situations like this will escalate. Constantly crying and upset........

...she has insecurity issues and constantly thinks that all men are evil...

If she has insecurity issues and constantly thinks all men are evil, then that's her lens for viewing the world and you. If it weren't the bachelor party, I think it would just be a matter of time for her to believe you "broke her trust". The way you've described it, she didn't really trust you, but just needs to feel she has control over you and what you do. You've apologized and explained the situation. It is up to her to work on her issues.

I agree! She needs to seek therapy for those issues. If it wasn't this, it would be something else!

All you can do is continue to reassure her. Tell her what you've stated here about her being amazing, beautiful,etc. It sounds like her imagination is running wild (but I would not say this to her) when you didn't call and she pictured the typical bachelor party with strippers, hookers, etc.

I would not reiterate the explanation about the dead phone, etc. I would just say you were there for your single friend and you are not really that into that type of stuff anymore,etc.

I think she's upset but I don't think this is a deal-breaker...Give her time to calm down in the mean time just stay the course.

It has been 4 days now and she is constantly crying and upset. Yes, I know that a lot of guys do bad stuff on bachelor parties

She needs therapy.

However, if you are doing something that is a hot button issue - a bacheolor party which could potentially involve strippers and not a family reunion or granny's 100th birthday brunch, you should have made doubly sure to contact her - to have your phone charged up or used someone else's, and then talk when you got home about counseling. A week long bachelor party is something women who are not rediculously insecure may also want their guy to contact them during, you know??

Yes, I agree I should have called her. I feel terrible about that. I called her and messaged her everyday during the 4 day trip. I even messaged her at 630pm before my phone died. She's convinced that something happened that night. When in reality I came back and literally passed out. Counseling is sounds like the only option at this point.

I have no idea how to make her feel better.

You can't. You could kill yourself trying and it still wouldn't work because the issue is in her, and is nothing to do with you. She needs counselling.

So, Rusty, how do you think she will take to the idea of going for therapy? How are you going to approach this idea with her?

You need to admit fully to yourself that your wife has severe psychological issues that are not of your making and that you cannot fix. Instead of apologizing to her and coming across like you are in fact guilty of something, which you aren't, you need to take a completely different approach. Sit her rear down and have a calm, but very serious conversation with her about her problems with men and how it's not fair to you or your marriage. Tell her that you would like to have a wonderful life with her and you would like to grow old together and be that cute old couple still hold hands, however, her attitude needs to go for that to happen and if she denies it or does nothing about fixing herself, you will have no choice but to leave her. Eventually her awful behavior towards you will end with bad consequences. Say it, mean it and insist that she starts getting help. Put your foot down and make it clear that this is about saving her marriage to you.

What she is doing is actually gas lighting you. She has problems, but she is turning them around to make you the bad guy. Now ask yourself - can you really spend your entire life pacifying her and walking on eggshells? The honest answer is no - you will lose your mind and your self esteem at some point. If this doesn't get nipped in the bud now, your marriage is doomed anyway, just a matter of time.

She's willing to go to therapy. Was her idea. But said I'm the reason she's going there by making her feel this way.

That's good. But this manipulative/guilt-mongering statement itself is a great reason for her to go

But said I'm the reason she's going there by making her feel this way.

The therapy will sort her out Rusty. Make her face these projection tendencies....

She's willing to go to therapy. Was her idea. But said I'm the reason she's going there by making her feel this way.

That is breathtakingly manipulative. Wow....just wow.... Frankly, I would insist on going together so you can actually share your side with the therapist for a fair evaluation. If she is going in blaming you, she may well dupe the therapist into agreeing with her that your behavior is what is at issue. She may be going, but she is not going to fix herself, she is going seeking validation for herself and her behavior. This comment indicates that she is not open to the idea that she has issues. It's a bit like an alcoholic has to admit that they have a problem with alcohol before there is any hope for changing things around. For as long as they don't admit they have a problem....no counseling will work.

What Dancing said.

Therapists can usually read their patient, but some patients are very adept at only giving their skewed side of the story.

does she even admit that she has an insecurity issue?

if

She's not insecure- she is a man hater if she truly believes that all men are evil.

How in the world did you end up marrying this crazy girl? Wow.

I think a divorce is to be issued with this crazy nonsense. That's verbal abuse.

She's been cheated on. That's why she doesn't trust men in general.

She was married before then?

Still and all, it is a bit extreme to tar all men with the same brush if one has been cheated on before.

and besides, she married you, so she evidently got over her mistrust.

This sounds worth salvaging, good she's going to therapy to work out the cheating hurts from the past. She just had a baby and just getting upset, bringing up ghosts from her past. You don't throw all this away because she got upset over a bachelor party because she has some issues..

I've been married for 2 years to my beautiful wife and we have a 2 month old baby

She's been cheated on. That's why she doesn't trust men in general.

she should of taken care of that before you guys got married..

to be honest i would of never dated or married someone with that mind set..

my ex gf cheated on me but i dont hold that agaisnt all women or my current gf..

i did have trust issues and it was hard putting myself out there again but i did it ..

hopefully your wife will grow and get over this stuff she keeps bottled up from the past.

its not healthy for her in general.

Ok she has certain trust issues, that's a given. She would definitely benefit from counseling.

But...how come nobody is bringing up the possibility that she may be a bit hormonal? I mean, the woman just had a baby, her hormones must be still running haywire! Plus, she may also be suffering from PPD, it's pretty common in young moms. Add to all these the fact that she may feel a bit undesirable/unattractive at the moment (until her body heals and reverts to its usual self), no wonder she's exaggerating some things that to us sound like no big deal. Oh, and let's not forget the exhaustion she must be experiencing, caring for a newborn!

OP, I think the best (and only) thing you can do at the moment is keep reassuring her that 1. nothing has happened 2. you find her very attractive and love her 3. you would never fathom cheating on her. I know you've probably told her all these things many times already, but given her state, I think they are worth repeating often.Beyond that, it's up to her to believe and trust you. When she feels better and her hormones re-balance after having given birth, you can revisit the idea of her going to counseling, and I'm sure she will be more cooperative than she is right now.

I think it's normal to be cautious and perhaps even a bit cynical after a relationship goes sour, especially if you were betrayed, because you feel so out of control in the midst of bad things happening to you. I had issues with insecurity and trust, and still do, but it's been very important with my recovery to realise not all men are the same. I read things online sometimes that scare me e.g "all mean want to cheat on you" or "all men think about cheating on you" or "monogamy is a construct" and that makes my insecurity run wild. Does she express to you that she struggles to not lump all men together, or is it just you picking up on it? I think a big step will be for her to acknowledge why she is insecure and that it isn't rational to continue distrusting someone different. I'm inclined to say that going to therapy as a couple is best, you say your marriage has been great for two years, have issues like this popped up regularly?

Also: have you been so aware of this issue that you've been walking on eggshells to avoid it? or has everything genuinely just ran smoothly?

If it's the former...then it appears more serious. The latter and we're probably looking at her being more likely to improve. I don't think most women would feel happy at their partner not calling/texting or anything whilst at a bachelor party but that's normally out of worry or frustration and not being able to contact - not to accuse of cheating.

As someone who has vastly improved their insecurity within a year (without therapy) I highly suggest that not only do you go to therapy as a couple but you be incredibly reassuring and understanding. Anger and defensiveness on your part will only breed upset and suspicion and it won't solve anything. Stay patient, love her, tell her how much you do and how beautiful she is etc etc and she will hopefully get there best of luck.

edit: ABOVE POST is excellent.

I know many moms personally who not only get very depressed about themselves but their husbands start getting the whip cracked in their direction. Seeing a doctor/therapist and mentioning the fact she has not long given birth is a very good idea.

She needs therapy.

 

However, if you are doing something that is a hot button issue - a bacheolor party which could potentially involve strippers and not a family reunion or granny's 100th birthday brunch, you should have made doubly sure to contact her - to have your phone charged up or used someone else's, and then talk when you got home about counseling. A week long bachelor party is something women who are not rediculously insecure may also want their guy to contact them during, you know??

Agreed. She does need therapy but a "week-long bachelor party" and "my phone died" would piss me the f off if I was at home with a 2 month old and perhaps (I don't know) with postpartum depression.

I'm not saying the magnitude of her reaction is good, but I'd be pissed for sure. Is she the primary care giver for your child? We need to think about other stuff that could be going on with her too!

she should of taken care of that before you guys got married.

To be fair, he chose to marry her knowing this. He probably likes some of her insecurities ... or at least finds it comforting.