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Is there a name for this guy's behavior? And why is he doing it?


Rockchick26

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I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. There has been a few times where he has done this before but now it's happening almost on a daily basis and each time it happens it drives me more nuts and now I am at my wits end. I dont even know if there is a name for this behavior so i'll have to explain it...

 

He will act totally distant (usually at work, we work together so we see each other there every day), he will barely look at me, come up with excuses why he isnt talking to me or cant hang out after work, etc. and when we walk out together he walks like he's alone or like he's trying to get away from me, so at the very end when we split up I go "well ok then I guess i'll talk to you later" and he'll kinda sorta turn his head (I'm behind him cuz he's walking fast) and mumble 'see ya later'. So I go home upset and wonder for hours what is going on. A few hours later he will message me on FB "I am bummed I haven't heard from you". *mind boggle* What the...!?!? So i said "you told me you were busy after work then you were going to bed early, and you havent been on FB so I thought you were sleeping" You can tell when someone is typing on FB, he typed then stopped, typed then stopped, literally like 10 times and finally he sends this; "sorry i said anything' What does THAT mean!? So I tried calling him and he stopped the call after 2 rings so it goes to voicemail, I said on Fb 'why arent you answering your phone?' he says "its late, i'm going to bed, i dont feel like talking right now'...Even though we normally talk on the phone until he passes out on me, why can't he talk now? He stayed on Fb 15 minutes longer and wouldn't reply to my next message which was "I'm confused, you barely talked to me at work, didnt want to hang out, barely said goodbye, then said you're bummed i didnt call you even though you told me you were going to bed early, so I call and you dont answer and dont wanna talk now?" and he didnt reply to that.

 

What is he doing?! This has happened before just not to this extreme, it gets worse every time it happens. 2 weeks ago he said "I waited all day for you to kiss me and you didn't" even though I did at least twice! One time he said at work "I'm bummed you havent came to talk to me at all tonight" I said "You haven't came to talk to me either" and he said he was waiting to see how long it would take me to miss him. Another time he said I didn't come talk to him when I came in there 6 times!! I even reminded him how 3 of the times he wasn't in there and 3 of the times we talked, so why is he saying I didn't come talk to him? He rarely comes and talks to ME, so he's complaining that I am not doing something that HE isn't doing but I am! Also recently he will ignore my texts and FB messages then deny that he's ignoring them then say "you haven't tried to get a hold of me either"...WHAT?! I am the ONLY one trying! He is literally lying to my face about something that is obviously happening and how can he deny it, but he turns it around like I'm the one doing something wrong!

 

What does he want from me? What does this behavior mean? I feel like I can't win.

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Wants to make sure you keep chasing him and when he finds out again that you're still hooked..then he is satisfied with that and puts no more effort into it....it's an ego thing, but not that he's into you as much as you might think. He doesn't want you to go anywhere, but will put minimal effort in and won't put the same effort back.

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At only 4 months, he's showing his true self and true intentions. Whatever that is, it's not to pursue a serious committed relationship with you. He's pushing and pulling, playing mind games, pushing you away but when you don't chase after him, he wonders whether you've lost interest / don't want him anymore, he wants to know you're there waiting for him and putting up with his games. He has no valid answer for your (very good) question where you pointed out his ridiculous behaviour, hence no response.

 

No time for games is what I say. Cut your losses and do it quick when you haven't invested too much time and emotions in this. It's already like this in the early stages of dating where people should be on their best behaviour, and this is him on best behaviour. It won't get any better.

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Immature, sick, twisted games, that's the name. This guy shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone. My question is, why are you putting up with this? Hopefully you know this is not what a guy who's into you looks and acts like!

Time to tell this turd to go eff himself and to seek out a better man.

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The name of this behavior is head games. What kind of relationship is this? Exclusive? FWB? It seems he just wants hook ups when it's convenient for him and doesn't want to be lovey-dovey at work (which is fine). He is probably chatting with/dating others.

 

If you want a real relationship you need to end this nonsense and find a guy who's into you.

"its late, i'm going to bed, i dont feel like talking right now' he said he was waiting to see how long it would take me to miss him.
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but not that he's into you as much as you might think.

 

It's funny you use those words because 2 weeks ago when he started acting wierd, he told me "I don't think you're into me as much as I'm into you", he has said this a few times over the course of our relationship and often said he knows I will end up leaving him when I realize he is a loser, etc. He said his biggest fear is rejection and he just knows I'm gonna reject him which is why he stays distant sometimes. I feel like he's making his biggest fear come true, and I've tried to make him realize HE is the one doing this, not me.

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At only 4 months, he's showing his true self and true intentions. Whatever that is, it's not to pursue a serious committed relationship with you.

 

It makes no sense though, from the beginning he told me he wants to be married and part of why he liked me was because I believe in monogamy like he does. He even said 2 weeks ago when he started acting wierd, "You don't want to be married and I do."

 

It's already like this in the early stages of dating where people should be on their best behaviour, and this is him on best behaviour. It won't get any better.

 

Well we're already past the early stages, the first 4 months he was totally different, he WAS on his best behavior. From day 1 he contacted me every day, said "good night beautiful" every night, waited 3 months for me to be ready to have sex (long story there), always sent gifs and messages saying how good he felt with me, how beautiful I was, how amazing I was, he poured his heart out more than any man I've ever dated.

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My question is, why are you putting up with this? Hopefully you know this is not what a guy who's into you looks and acts like!

 

I am putting up with it (for now) because it's only been going on for 2 weeks, things were fine before that. It was literally overnight that he changed. I mean yeah a few times before he would test me to see how I would react (for example saying he was bummed I hadnt talked to him all night, but he didnt either, to see how long I would go), but it never was like this. This is something different, 2 weeks ago we went to a music festival for 3 days and when we came back he suddenly got depressed saying I wasn't into him like he is into me and I dont want to get married like he does, then he stopped saying 'i love you' and 'goodnight beautiful' and said he needed space and doesn't know if he's ready to be in a relationship and gave a bunch of reasons that made no sense, but then a few days later he said not to worry, he just has some personal issues to work out and things will be ok, then he was back to his usual self for one day and then yesterday this happened. He did tell me he would call me today so I'm still waiting to see what happens there.

 

As for the last part of your sentence, I have dated many guys who weren't into me and I can tell the difference. The other guys would barely contact me, and my boyfriend has never let a day go by without talking to me. Other guys never told me how they felt about me but my boyfriend told me everything he was thinking from day 1. He would often leave me messages to wake up to saying he couldn't stop thinking about me and he can't wait to see me, etc. He always wanted to take pictures together, and would give up sleep just to spend time with me. I have never even met a man who acted so into me, so I'm really thrown for a loop here.

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The name of this behavior is head games. What kind of relationship is this? Exclusive? FWB? It seems he just wants hook ups when it's convenient for him and doesn't want to be lovey-dovey at work (which is fine). He is probably chatting with/dating others.

 

It's exclusive, and no not FWB, we didn't even have sex until a month ago because I wanted to make sure he was into me and not just sex, and I had to get on the pill first. He isn't into casual sex, he's only had 6 partners and they were all girlfriends. He used to be lovey dovey at work until all this started 2 weeks ago, he would usually give me at least one kiss during the day, and flirt with me, put his arm around me, etc. One day he said he was worried we'd get caught and then they'd split us up (we work in the same room) but then he still kept kissing me and putting his arm around me.

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It's funny you use those words because 2 weeks ago when he started acting wierd, he told me "I don't think you're into me as much as I'm into you", he has said this a few times over the course of our relationship and often said he knows I will end up leaving him when I realize he is a loser,
This is the crux of the matter. This guy has zero self worth, lacks confidence, is a gas lighter, and a self-sabotage. You will never win with someone like him. You can walk on eggshells for him until you become a chicken and you would still have to do more for him in order for him not to be like he is.

 

He said his biggest fear is rejection and he just knows I'm gonna reject him which is why he stays distant sometimes.
Talk to him about self-induced prophacies and tell him that the reason you will leave him is because his neediness is too much to bear and that he should get the professional help he needs to love himself more and to store the past relationship baggage he carries around like a New York Bell Hop.

 

I feel like he's making his biggest fear come true, and I've tried to make him realize HE is the one doing this, not me.
Then if he's not getting it, leave him and kindly tell him to get the help he needs because by you staying with him, he is bringing you down to his emotional/mental level. He will bring you down further if you enable him to do it.

 

You can do better, luv.

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I disagree that he's not into you. The term for him is "passive-aggressive." When you don't pass his little tests, he sulks and wants you to fix things by chasing after him and proving that you want to be with him. He is depressed and feels down on himself, and he doesn't believe you will continue to want to be with the "loser" (his words) that he is. He fears rejection, but he's creating it by believing that you're rejecting him when you aren't. He's shutting you out, and then getting upset with you when you don't break down his walls. When he gets in these moods, he doesn't know how to break down his own walls and let you back in, so he's hoping you'll do it for him. I think this just recently started because it's now been a few months, he's grown increasingly attached, and he realizes that the stakes are higher and it's going to hurt to lose you (which he believes will inevitably happen).

 

That's my opinion, anyway. It all sounds very familiar, because I myself have behaved similarly in past relationships.

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It seems he's engineering an escape loophole.

 

Seems like it, I just don't understand, he was saying this from the beginning, stuff like when he first met me he thought I was attractive but never pursued me because he didn't think I would like him, but then I added him on FB one day and suddenly BAM he was unstoppable, lol He kept pursuing me, contacting me every day and wanting to hang out every possible minute we could, always asking me how I felt about us and what I wanted the next step to be, so he was always pushing to move things forward. He told me he loved me about a month ago and said he's been wanting to say it for a while. That only lasted 2 weeks, now I haven't heard him say it even though I have said it (in messages) and he doesn't reply to them.

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I disagree that he's not into you. The term for him is "passive-aggressive." When you don't pass his little tests, he sulks and wants you to fix things by chasing after him and proving that you want to be with him. He is depressed and feels down on himself, and he doesn't believe you will continue to want to be with the "loser" (his words) that he is. He fears rejection, but he's creating it by believing that you're rejecting him when you aren't. He's shutting you out, and then getting upset with you when you don't break down his walls. When he gets in these moods, he doesn't know how to break down his own walls and let you back in, so he's hoping you'll do it for him. I think this just recently started because it's now been a few months, he's grown increasingly attached, and he realizes that the stakes are higher and it's going to hurt to lose you (which he believes will inevitably happen).

 

That's my opinion, anyway. It all sounds very familiar, because I myself have behaved similarly in past relationships.

 

Yes and it's unhealthy and the Op shouldn't try to fix him nor should she stay and enable his issues. It's actually quite selfish to play into his insecurities and try to "make" him feel better about them. That is codependency and it's enabling and it doesn't give him a chance to grow out of these issues and if she stays, it doesn't give him reason to change what's going on in his psyche.

 

Personal therapy is what he needs as she's not a psychiatrist/psychologist.

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This is the crux of the matter. This guy has zero self worth, lacks confidence, is a gas lighter, and a self-sabotage. You will never win with someone like him. You can walk on eggshells for him until you become a chicken and you would still have to do more for him in order for him not to be like he is.

 

Talk to him about self-induced prophacies and tell him that the reason you will leave him is because his neediness is too much to bear and that he should get the professional help he needs to love himself more and to store the past relationship baggage he carries around like a New York Bell Hop.

 

Then if he's not getting it, leave him and kindly tell him to get the help he needs because by you staying with him, he is bringing you down to his emotional/mental level. He will bring you down further if you enable him to do it.

 

You can do better, luv.

 

My thoughts exactly! I couldn't have said it better myself. Most of the night I laid awake thinking of how I could tell him this. I'm still wondering though if I'm jumping the gun and maybe should give him a little more time, I mean 4 months of amazingness is worth more than 2 weeks of whatever is going on now. I also am scared of how work will be if we break up, I know I can't get over a guy if i see him every day. Quitting my job isn't really an option since it took me a year to find something that paid me enough to survive, and I actually like my job. I wish HE would quit...he has said a few times he was going to look for another job. Maybe he'll quit if we break up. But right now I just feel like I need to give it another week or two. Next weekend he will be out of town for 4 days so maybe that will spark something to change. At least I'm mentally preparing myself. I'm the kind of person that has to plan things like this, what I want to say, etc.

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I disagree that he's not into you. The term for him is "passive-aggressive." When you don't pass his little tests, he sulks and wants you to fix things by chasing after him and proving that you want to be with him. He is depressed and feels down on himself, and he doesn't believe you will continue to want to be with the "loser" (his words) that he is. He fears rejection, but he's creating it by believing that you're rejecting him when you aren't. He's shutting you out, and then getting upset with you when you don't break down his walls. When he gets in these moods, he doesn't know how to break down his own walls and let you back in, so he's hoping you'll do it for him. I think this just recently started because it's now been a few months, he's grown increasingly attached, and he realizes that the stakes are higher and it's going to hurt to lose you (which he believes will inevitably happen).

 

That's my opinion, anyway. It all sounds very familiar, because I myself have behaved similarly in past relationships.

 

Wow, YES! Exactly, everything you just said is exactly what my intuition has been telling me (and what HE has told me too)...this is why I am not so quick to give up on him. I mean I know guys like this need to change themselves, a woman can't change him, and I learned that hard lesson now, but at the same time, he has no one who cares for him, his mother killed herself on Mothers Day after he got into an argument with her when he was young, his father beat him, his ex girlfriend rarely lets him see his 8 year old daughter, he said all his ex girlfriends have hurt him (I know at least 2 of them cheated on him), he told me a few weeks ago during a conversation about something "everyone stops caring eventually" and I said I won't. I am such a caring person that it's hard for me to turn my back on someone who obviously needs love. Love is the answer to everything. I know that also means loving myself (not letting anyone hurt me)...so it's a tough thing to deal with, how exactly do I stop him from hurting me yet be there for him when he clearly needs someone to be?

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Wow, YES! Exactly, everything you just said is exactly what my intuition has been telling me (and what HE has told me too)...this is why I am not so quick to give up on him. I mean I know guys like this need to change themselves, a woman can't change him, and I learned that hard lesson now, but at the same time, he has no one who cares for him, his mother killed herself on Mothers Day after he got into an argument with her when he was young, his father beat him, his ex girlfriend rarely lets him see his 8 year old daughter, he said all his ex girlfriends have hurt him (I know at least 2 of them cheated on him), he told me a few weeks ago during a conversation about something "everyone stops caring eventually" and I said I won't. I am such a caring person that it's hard for me to turn my back on someone who obviously needs love. Love is the answer to everything. I know that also means loving myself (not letting anyone hurt me)...so it's a tough thing to deal with, how exactly do I stop him from hurting me yet be there for him when he clearly needs someone to be?

Good lord, woman. This guy is a mess. Get away from him before you are totally addicted to him and trying to rescue him from himself and his issues. You may "know" that a woman can't change a man but you are not actually believing that and, you don't have the clear and healthy boundaries to understand that you staying with him is just enabling him to continue being the emotionally immature boy that you have described him to be.

 

You cannot "stop him from hurting you." That is where he needs a professional. Just like an abused woman/man can't stop their partner from inflicting the abuse. He clearly needs a professional. You can't help him. You have zero control over him and the only person you can change is you so have the strength to leave him now before you become embroiled in trying to rescue and caretake which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregive.

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Yes and it's unhealthy and the Op shouldn't try to fix him nor should she stay and enable his issues. It's actually quite selfish to play into his insecurities and try to "make" him feel better about them. That is codependency and it's enabling and it doesn't give him a chance to grow out of these issues and if she stays, it doesn't give him reason to change what's going on in his psyche.

 

Personal therapy is what he needs as she's not a psychiatrist/psychologist.

 

I always think of that saying, a true soulmate will make you grow, they will be like a mirror to show you what you need to work on, and that's been a strong theme in this relationship even from the beginning, we both talked about how it felt like we were meant to be together. We both make up for where the other lacks, we both have strengths where the other has weaknesses. We could both help each other fix ourselves, basically...I have let him in to fix my issues (sexual ones) but he's not letting me in to fix his emotional ones. He has said a few times, he is trying to change his life for the better and asked the universe for someone like me, and then I showed up, and he said it felt like it was meant to happen. But now he's pushing it away, because change is hard, and he will blame me for making him realize he has to change in order to keep this going...I agree he needs therapy but of course he won't admit it, honestly though I think his life has been so messed up it would be impossible for him to become normal. He's been on drugs since he was in grade school because his mother killed herself on Mothers Day after they got into an argument, his father beat him (not the other kids, just him), and women cheat on him, his brother started a business with him then kept all the money and shut him out of it, it just never ends with his life, it's horrible. I can't believe he is as functional as he is, honestly. But even after learning all this, I still accepted him because he treated me good and was into me and I enjoy my life so much better with him in it. Ugh. So torn on what to do next. My intuition is telling me to give it another week or two and figure out how to word what I need to say, these last 2 posts hit the nail on the head so I need to make sure I use some of these words when I talk to him. Thanks, guys!!

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I'll add that in 4 short months of honeymoon period and now this pulling away and blaming you and gaslighting is a red flag that your gut is warning you about. He's showing you early who he is and his push/pull will just get worse. I suspect the next thing he will be doing is accusing you of flirting with other men at work since you were the one that initiated contact with him so he'll put two and two together and his imagination will run away with him. Just speculating of course but that is often the pattern of people with these kinds of issues.

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Good lord, woman. This guy is a mess. Get away from him before you are totally addicted to him and trying to rescue him from himself and his issues. You may "know" that a woman can't change a man but you are not actually believing that and, you don't have the clear and healthy boundaries to understand that you staying with him is just enabling him to continue being the emotionally immature boy that you have described him to be.

 

You cannot "stop him from hurting you." That is where he needs a professional. Just like an abused woman/man can't stop their partner from inflicting the abuse. He clearly needs a professional. You can't help him. You have zero control over him and the only person you can change is you so have the strength to leave him now before you become embroiled in trying to rescue and caretake which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregive.

 

Yeah, I think you're right, although I dont believe I have no control over him, I believe I can influence him and inspire him (he often says I inspire him to change his life for the better), I mean without someone in your corner, it's hard to be motivated. He has a serious issue with motivation. I know he's depressed but he won't admit it. He hasn't cleaned his apartment properly in like a year I don't think, he wouldn't even invite me over in the beginning, and still sometimes now he says he doesn't want me to come over because his place is a mess.

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I'll add that in 4 short months of honeymoon period and now this pulling away and blaming you and gaslighting is a red flag that your gut is warning you about. He's showing you early who he is and his push/pull will just get worse. I suspect the next thing he will be doing is accusing you of flirting with other men at work since you were the one that initiated contact with him so he'll put two and two together and his imagination will run away with him. Just speculating of course but that is often the pattern of people with these kinds of issues.

 

We'll see if that happens, lol So far he has been really good with that, he told me once he doesn't get jealous, and he told me he loves that I don't get jealous either. He is very open about that, telling me every interaction he has with a woman and then saying he is glad I don't get jealous. And so far he has shown no signs of being jealous when I talk to other men either. Sometimes I feel like that means he doesn't care, but I know jealousy is an unhealthy thing so I should be grateful he doesn't show that too, lol

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Wow, YES! Exactly, everything you just said is exactly what my intuition has been telling me (and what HE has told me too)...this is why I am not so quick to give up on him. I mean I know guys like this need to change themselves, a woman can't change him, and I learned that hard lesson now, but at the same time, he has no one who cares for him, his mother killed herself on Mothers Day after he got into an argument with her when he was young, his father beat him, his ex girlfriend rarely lets him see his 8 year old daughter, he said all his ex girlfriends have hurt him (I know at least 2 of them cheated on him), he told me a few weeks ago during a conversation about something "everyone stops caring eventually" and I said I won't. I am such a caring person that it's hard for me to turn my back on someone who obviously needs love. Love is the answer to everything. I know that also means loving myself (not letting anyone hurt me)...so it's a tough thing to deal with, how exactly do I stop him from hurting me yet be there for him when he clearly needs someone to be?

 

That's a tough situation!! I don't really know the answer. I agree with ThatwasThen that you can't fix him, nor should you have to. He has very deep issues due to his past (how awful about his mom, my goodness), and therapy probably is in order. I'm like you and tend to believe that love is the answer to everything, but so far, that's gotten me nowhere good in life/relationships! Some things are too complicated for love to fix. I can just see this turning into a situation where you feel constantly pushed away and unwanted, and that is confusing and it hurts, even if you know where it's coming from. The longer you stay with him, the deeper you'll get, and the more it's going to hurt and the harder it's going to be to walk away. Maybe losing you will give him the wake-up call he needs to get help. I wouldn't at all judge you if you want to stay, though, because I probably would too. Hugs.

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Yeah, I think you're right, although I dont believe I have no control over him, I believe I can influence him and inspire him (he often says I inspire him to change his life for the better),
and yet here you are telling us that the behaviour is escalating and he's treating you like he is indifferent a whole lot. It's only been four months. This behaviour is just starting. Don't wait around to see just how bad it will get. If you inspire him so much to change his life then inspire him to go to therapy and work on these ingrained issues he's been carrying around since childhood.

 

I mean without someone in your corner, it's hard to be motivated.
Where do you get this stuff? You could be in his corner and support him while he gets his therapy and works on his issues. That is much healthier then you thinking you can control outcomes and fix what's happened to him with your sheer will and devotion.

 

He has a serious issue with motivation. I know he's depressed but he won't admit it. He hasn't cleaned his apartment properly in like a year I don't think, he wouldn't even invite me over in the beginning, and still sometimes now he says he doesn't want me to come over because his place is a mess.
What is missing in YOU that you want to continue with this man? (an answer you should give yourself. No need to share here unless you want to) He is the furthest thing from being a good LIFE mate as their could be so I have to ask you what has (your) love for him have to do with anything? Love is never enough reason to stay with someone that can't be a good mate to you in the majority of the time. He treats you with indifference and petulance and at the four month mark, anyone with good, healthy personal boundaries in place and love of self would run away from him... Most have by the looks of things.

 

You know, borderline personality disorder comes to mind when I read how he is and what happened when he was a child and his mother left him through suicide. If he's never had therapy as a kid then it's no wonder he's so screwed up.

 

Don't let him bring you down to his emotional level. You know the psychiatric world says that we tend to attract people that are slightly above or slightly below our own mental and emotional health. Not to be cruel, just pointing the fact out however: What is that saying about you, then?

 

*Added to first paragraph.*

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