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Thread: Is there a name for this guy's behavior? And why is he doing it?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by greta96
    My question is, why are you putting up with this? Hopefully you know this is not what a guy who's into you looks and acts like!
    I am putting up with it (for now) because it's only been going on for 2 weeks, things were fine before that. It was literally overnight that he changed. I mean yeah a few times before he would test me to see how I would react (for example saying he was bummed I hadnt talked to him all night, but he didnt either, to see how long I would go), but it never was like this. This is something different, 2 weeks ago we went to a music festival for 3 days and when we came back he suddenly got depressed saying I wasn't into him like he is into me and I dont want to get married like he does, then he stopped saying 'i love you' and 'goodnight beautiful' and said he needed space and doesn't know if he's ready to be in a relationship and gave a bunch of reasons that made no sense, but then a few days later he said not to worry, he just has some personal issues to work out and things will be ok, then he was back to his usual self for one day and then yesterday this happened. He did tell me he would call me today so I'm still waiting to see what happens there.

    As for the last part of your sentence, I have dated many guys who weren't into me and I can tell the difference. The other guys would barely contact me, and my boyfriend has never let a day go by without talking to me. Other guys never told me how they felt about me but my boyfriend told me everything he was thinking from day 1. He would often leave me messages to wake up to saying he couldn't stop thinking about me and he can't wait to see me, etc. He always wanted to take pictures together, and would give up sleep just to spend time with me. I have never even met a man who acted so into me, so I'm really thrown for a loop here.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    The name of this behavior is head games. What kind of relationship is this? Exclusive? FWB? It seems he just wants hook ups when it's convenient for him and doesn't want to be lovey-dovey at work (which is fine). He is probably chatting with/dating others.
    It's exclusive, and no not FWB, we didn't even have sex until a month ago because I wanted to make sure he was into me and not just sex, and I had to get on the pill first. He isn't into casual sex, he's only had 6 partners and they were all girlfriends. He used to be lovey dovey at work until all this started 2 weeks ago, he would usually give me at least one kiss during the day, and flirt with me, put his arm around me, etc. One day he said he was worried we'd get caught and then they'd split us up (we work in the same room) but then he still kept kissing me and putting his arm around me.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    It's funny you use those words because 2 weeks ago when he started acting wierd, he told me "I don't think you're into me as much as I'm into you", he has said this a few times over the course of our relationship and often said he knows I will end up leaving him when I realize he is a loser,
    This is the crux of the matter. This guy has zero self worth, lacks confidence, is a gas lighter, and a self-sabotage. You will never win with someone like him. You can walk on eggshells for him until you become a chicken and you would still have to do more for him in order for him not to be like he is.

    He said his biggest fear is rejection and he just knows I'm gonna reject him which is why he stays distant sometimes.
    Talk to him about self-induced prophacies and tell him that the reason you will leave him is because his neediness is too much to bear and that he should get the professional help he needs to love himself more and to store the past relationship baggage he carries around like a New York Bell Hop.

    I feel like he's making his biggest fear come true, and I've tried to make him realize HE is the one doing this, not me.
    Then if he's not getting it, leave him and kindly tell him to get the help he needs because by you staying with him, he is bringing you down to his emotional/mental level. He will bring you down further if you enable him to do it.

    You can do better, luv.

  4. #14
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    I disagree that he's not into you. The term for him is "passive-aggressive." When you don't pass his little tests, he sulks and wants you to fix things by chasing after him and proving that you want to be with him. He is depressed and feels down on himself, and he doesn't believe you will continue to want to be with the "loser" (his words) that he is. He fears rejection, but he's creating it by believing that you're rejecting him when you aren't. He's shutting you out, and then getting upset with you when you don't break down his walls. When he gets in these moods, he doesn't know how to break down his own walls and let you back in, so he's hoping you'll do it for him. I think this just recently started because it's now been a few months, he's grown increasingly attached, and he realizes that the stakes are higher and it's going to hurt to lose you (which he believes will inevitably happen).

    That's my opinion, anyway. It all sounds very familiar, because I myself have behaved similarly in past relationships.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It seems he's engineering an escape loophole.
    Seems like it, I just don't understand, he was saying this from the beginning, stuff like when he first met me he thought I was attractive but never pursued me because he didn't think I would like him, but then I added him on FB one day and suddenly BAM he was unstoppable, lol He kept pursuing me, contacting me every day and wanting to hang out every possible minute we could, always asking me how I felt about us and what I wanted the next step to be, so he was always pushing to move things forward. He told me he loved me about a month ago and said he's been wanting to say it for a while. That only lasted 2 weeks, now I haven't heard him say it even though I have said it (in messages) and he doesn't reply to them.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostlove76
    I disagree that he's not into you. The term for him is "passive-aggressive." When you don't pass his little tests, he sulks and wants you to fix things by chasing after him and proving that you want to be with him. He is depressed and feels down on himself, and he doesn't believe you will continue to want to be with the "loser" (his words) that he is. He fears rejection, but he's creating it by believing that you're rejecting him when you aren't. He's shutting you out, and then getting upset with you when you don't break down his walls. When he gets in these moods, he doesn't know how to break down his own walls and let you back in, so he's hoping you'll do it for him. I think this just recently started because it's now been a few months, he's grown increasingly attached, and he realizes that the stakes are higher and it's going to hurt to lose you (which he believes will inevitably happen).

    That's my opinion, anyway. It all sounds very familiar, because I myself have behaved similarly in past relationships.
    Yes and it's unhealthy and the Op shouldn't try to fix him nor should she stay and enable his issues. It's actually quite selfish to play into his insecurities and try to "make" him feel better about them. That is codependency and it's enabling and it doesn't give him a chance to grow out of these issues and if she stays, it doesn't give him reason to change what's going on in his psyche.

    Personal therapy is what he needs as she's not a psychiatrist/psychologist.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    This is the crux of the matter. This guy has zero self worth, lacks confidence, is a gas lighter, and a self-sabotage. You will never win with someone like him. You can walk on eggshells for him until you become a chicken and you would still have to do more for him in order for him not to be like he is.

    Talk to him about self-induced prophacies and tell him that the reason you will leave him is because his neediness is too much to bear and that he should get the professional help he needs to love himself more and to store the past relationship baggage he carries around like a New York Bell Hop.

    Then if he's not getting it, leave him and kindly tell him to get the help he needs because by you staying with him, he is bringing you down to his emotional/mental level. He will bring you down further if you enable him to do it.

    You can do better, luv.
    My thoughts exactly! I couldn't have said it better myself. Most of the night I laid awake thinking of how I could tell him this. I'm still wondering though if I'm jumping the gun and maybe should give him a little more time, I mean 4 months of amazingness is worth more than 2 weeks of whatever is going on now. I also am scared of how work will be if we break up, I know I can't get over a guy if i see him every day. Quitting my job isn't really an option since it took me a year to find something that paid me enough to survive, and I actually like my job. I wish HE would quit...he has said a few times he was going to look for another job. Maybe he'll quit if we break up. But right now I just feel like I need to give it another week or two. Next weekend he will be out of town for 4 days so maybe that will spark something to change. At least I'm mentally preparing myself. I'm the kind of person that has to plan things like this, what I want to say, etc.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by lostlove76
    I disagree that he's not into you. The term for him is "passive-aggressive." When you don't pass his little tests, he sulks and wants you to fix things by chasing after him and proving that you want to be with him. He is depressed and feels down on himself, and he doesn't believe you will continue to want to be with the "loser" (his words) that he is. He fears rejection, but he's creating it by believing that you're rejecting him when you aren't. He's shutting you out, and then getting upset with you when you don't break down his walls. When he gets in these moods, he doesn't know how to break down his own walls and let you back in, so he's hoping you'll do it for him. I think this just recently started because it's now been a few months, he's grown increasingly attached, and he realizes that the stakes are higher and it's going to hurt to lose you (which he believes will inevitably happen).

    That's my opinion, anyway. It all sounds very familiar, because I myself have behaved similarly in past relationships.
    Wow, YES! Exactly, everything you just said is exactly what my intuition has been telling me (and what HE has told me too)...this is why I am not so quick to give up on him. I mean I know guys like this need to change themselves, a woman can't change him, and I learned that hard lesson now, but at the same time, he has no one who cares for him, his mother killed herself on Mothers Day after he got into an argument with her when he was young, his father beat him, his ex girlfriend rarely lets him see his 8 year old daughter, he said all his ex girlfriends have hurt him (I know at least 2 of them cheated on him), he told me a few weeks ago during a conversation about something "everyone stops caring eventually" and I said I won't. I am such a caring person that it's hard for me to turn my back on someone who obviously needs love. Love is the answer to everything. I know that also means loving myself (not letting anyone hurt me)...so it's a tough thing to deal with, how exactly do I stop him from hurting me yet be there for him when he clearly needs someone to be?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    Wow, YES! Exactly, everything you just said is exactly what my intuition has been telling me (and what HE has told me too)...this is why I am not so quick to give up on him. I mean I know guys like this need to change themselves, a woman can't change him, and I learned that hard lesson now, but at the same time, he has no one who cares for him, his mother killed herself on Mothers Day after he got into an argument with her when he was young, his father beat him, his ex girlfriend rarely lets him see his 8 year old daughter, he said all his ex girlfriends have hurt him (I know at least 2 of them cheated on him), he told me a few weeks ago during a conversation about something "everyone stops caring eventually" and I said I won't. I am such a caring person that it's hard for me to turn my back on someone who obviously needs love. Love is the answer to everything. I know that also means loving myself (not letting anyone hurt me)...so it's a tough thing to deal with, how exactly do I stop him from hurting me yet be there for him when he clearly needs someone to be?
    Good lord, woman. This guy is a mess. Get away from him before you are totally addicted to him and trying to rescue him from himself and his issues. You may "know" that a woman can't change a man but you are not actually believing that and, you don't have the clear and healthy boundaries to understand that you staying with him is just enabling him to continue being the emotionally immature boy that you have described him to be.

    You cannot "stop him from hurting you." That is where he needs a professional. Just like an abused woman/man can't stop their partner from inflicting the abuse. He clearly needs a professional. You can't help him. You have zero control over him and the only person you can change is you so have the strength to leave him now before you become embroiled in trying to rescue and caretake which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregive.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Yes and it's unhealthy and the Op shouldn't try to fix him nor should she stay and enable his issues. It's actually quite selfish to play into his insecurities and try to "make" him feel better about them. That is codependency and it's enabling and it doesn't give him a chance to grow out of these issues and if she stays, it doesn't give him reason to change what's going on in his psyche.

    Personal therapy is what he needs as she's not a psychiatrist/psychologist.
    I always think of that saying, a true soulmate will make you grow, they will be like a mirror to show you what you need to work on, and that's been a strong theme in this relationship even from the beginning, we both talked about how it felt like we were meant to be together. We both make up for where the other lacks, we both have strengths where the other has weaknesses. We could both help each other fix ourselves, basically...I have let him in to fix my issues (sexual ones) but he's not letting me in to fix his emotional ones. He has said a few times, he is trying to change his life for the better and asked the universe for someone like me, and then I showed up, and he said it felt like it was meant to happen. But now he's pushing it away, because change is hard, and he will blame me for making him realize he has to change in order to keep this going...I agree he needs therapy but of course he won't admit it, honestly though I think his life has been so messed up it would be impossible for him to become normal. He's been on drugs since he was in grade school because his mother killed herself on Mothers Day after they got into an argument, his father beat him (not the other kids, just him), and women cheat on him, his brother started a business with him then kept all the money and shut him out of it, it just never ends with his life, it's horrible. I can't believe he is as functional as he is, honestly. But even after learning all this, I still accepted him because he treated me good and was into me and I enjoy my life so much better with him in it. Ugh. So torn on what to do next. My intuition is telling me to give it another week or two and figure out how to word what I need to say, these last 2 posts hit the nail on the head so I need to make sure I use some of these words when I talk to him. Thanks, guys!!

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