Was breaking up the right decision?

Hello folks of eNotAlone. I've never posted in here before, but I read the forums often, and I figured I could use some advice from people who are not as prone to sugar coat things (my friends). I am a 32 F and have been in a relationship with a 37 M for almost 2 years (July 2014 - now). Our relationship was happy, balanced, respectful, we shared interests, etc. After about 1 year, I started really thinking I could marry this man. Towards the end of the 2015 calendar year, any light attempts I had made to start the conversation had not gone anywhere, so I brought it up as a serious conversation. He was reluctant to talk about it, he told me he wasn't sure of what he wanted, and it would be hard to move in together because we both own houses, etc. I brought it up again in February and very clearly told him that there were 2 possible ways this relationship could go: ending it or marriage. No ultimatum or timeline or anything, I just wanted to be clear that I am not going to be ok with dating for years and years without ever having a serious conversation about the future. After this conversation in Feb., I completely backed off of the subject. However, these conversations about him not being sure were very hard for me to deal with on my own. I basically stopped imagining a future with him, and while I was happy when we were together, when we were not together, I was always thinking about his uncertainty. It did not do good things for my mental health, personal productivity, or anxiety levels. Last week, he came over to my house for dinner, we ate, and then he started crying. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me that he was sad because he didn't see our relationship ending in marriage. We both cried for 2 hours and then he left, taking all of his stuff with him and after giving each other's house keys back. I just didn't have it in me to fight for my relationship anymore.

Of course now, 6 days later, I am in turmoil. He is my best friend and my favorite person in the entire world. To lose him like that is just awful. I've managed to stay busy, and we emailed back and forth on Friday to arrange me picking my stuff up from his house, and just to clarify some things from the breakup (since we really didn't even discuss it - we mostly just cried). The long weekend was hard but I made it through only contacting him once because my AC unit was broken when I tried to install it, and he's always the one who helped me with house stuff when I needed it (I managed to fix it on my own and then had to text him to never mind the phone call and explain why - his response was prompt and polite).

I guess I just need some input - was this the right decision? I love him so much, and I know he loves me. He's had some commitment issues in the past (broken engagement) so I truly do not know if it's that he's scared, or if it's just me. I'm not sure if I will ever know, and I'm not sure if it even matters. A huge part of me is dying to call him and try to work it out, offer him more time, expect less of him. I'm not sure if I expected too much, too soon from him. This is the first time I've ever successfully been able to "let things lie" after a breakup. I ALWAYS try to fix things and it NEVER works. But it really, really sucks and I can't believe this is happening to me.

You told him marriage or it's over and unfortunately he chose it's over. So now you know where he stands. Not sure you can fix this.

2 possible ways this relationship could go: ending it or marriage. he didn't see our relationship ending in marriage.

It may not seem like it but I think you made the right decision. You've been together long enough to have a real conversation about your future. While I don't believe in deadlines or ultimatums regarding when you get married, I think you should both be able to say where you stand on the matter. If he's so unsure about a future with you, for whatever reason, he needs to figure why he's so unsure. It's not fair to you for you to keep putting your heart into something and he's not returning the favor.

I'm so sorry this had happen to you. To tell you frankly I can relate, tho mine was far more impossible to fix, yours just looks like you guys need some space. But it would be better for the both of you to take your time and live your life. If you chase him, he will run further from you. It was him who offered to break it up. So I guess it's best if you can move on, and let go. I know it's hard to even think of it right now but trust me, it's for the best. Pick yourself up. You deserve to be loved the way you wanted to be loved. And you can't tell people to do that. NC works if you have read about it. It's painful at first but its all worth it. Regarding your question whether if it's right to breakup, it seems that he already made up his mind when he took all his stuffs away and returned the keys. I believe you did the right thing by not chasing him. It shows that you have much respect on what he needs.

I'm honestly not sure if he came over with intentions of breaking up. He said he wanted to talk about it. But once he said that he didn't see our relationship ending with marriage, I kind of knew I had to be done trying to convince him I was worth it. I got his stuff for him before he left. Something similar happened with my previous boyfriend and we agreed to just "take a break" for the weekend, and on Sunday night he told me that he felt the same way. I didn't want to go through that again (spending the whole weekend waiting and hoping).

Touche. Thank you. My friends just keep saying "how could he not want to marry you, you guys are perfect for each other, he's stupid" - thanks guys, I appreciate it but not exactly helpful.

Why do people need to plan years of their life in advance? I just don't get it, I never plan beyond a few months, I never make any set-in-stone plans based on meaningless forecasts because forecasts are static and life isn't. Things change in life, so having a solid plan of this needs to be done by this year and this needs to be done by that year doesn't take into account the changing nature of our environment.

The fact remains you have been together not even two years and you want marriage and basically gave the man an ultimatum and honestly if I was the man I would be seeing red flags. Why does this woman want to marry me so quickly? I would have reacted in a similar way to your boyfriend (minus the crying) and would have ended the relationship.

I am sorry. That was hard to read.

What I am seeing is he had other options. He could have said he needed time or that he wasn't sure.

Stating it the way he did, that he didn't see you two getting married is a pretty bold statement that one doesn't make lightly.

He must have had to put some serious time and thought into that decision. That and collecting his belongings and returning the key seems about as certain as one can be.

He made that statement and now you are wondering what you can to do to fix it?

The fixing is on him. . unless you want to compromise what you really wanted in the first place. Will it bring him back and if it did. . how awkward would that be and how long until you feel some sort of discontent? I think after dating someone for 2 years and telling them your ultimate goal is to be married is very fair and honest.

Let him go. At this point you have a remote chance that he'll reconsider what he's lost - but I am always concerned when someone was willing to lose it in the first place.

The fact remains you have been together not even two years and you want marriage and basically gave the man an ultimatum and honestly if I was the man I would be seeing red flags. Why does this woman want to marry me so quickly? I would have reacted in a similar way to your boyfriend (minus the crying) and would have ended the relationship.

I don't think she ever said she wanted to be married `quickly'. She needed to know if they ultimately had to same goal. (and they are one month short of 2 years together)

You should not have to be convincing guys to marry you...or else. Find someone with the same goals and with whom you can build toward that.

I had to be done trying to convince him I was worth it. Something similar happened with my previous boyfriend

I don't think she ever said she wanted to be married `quickly'. She needed to know if they ultimately had to same goal. (and they are one month short of 2 years together)

Thank you. This is correct.

Sad ending. You made the right decision though. This guy would have wasted your time had you not clarified the situation. You have different goals. If after 2 years he cannot see himself being married to you then staying with him would be shooting yourself in the foot. On another note, it sounds like he initiated the break up so it is not really an option for you to take it back. Plus, taking it back would indeed be a waste of time given what he told you. At 32 waiting past 2 years for a 37 year old to make up his mind would be unwise. You made the right choice. You defended your life aspirations. Head high and keep walking. The right man will not still be undecided after 2 freaking YEARS. Your long term goals were incompatible. Best of luck!

I'm sorry two years is nothing, it's ridiculous to suggest that a man should commit to a woman for life through the institution of marriage after just two years.

I'm sorry two years is nothing, it's ridiculous to suggest that a man should commit to woman for life through the institution of marriage after just two years.

for some maybe. . not for everyone.

Touche. Thank you. My friends just keep saying "how could he not want to marry you, you guys are perfect for each other, he's stupid" - thanks guys, I appreciate it but not exactly helpful.

I know your friends are trying to help but you are right - this isn't helpful. He's signalled to you for a long time, and finally confirmed, that he doesn't see himself marrying you. Why doesn't matter. It is what it is. And you made the right decision to not try to convince him to change to make YOU happy.

You deserve someone who WANTS to marry you.

I am sorry. That was hard to read.

What I am seeing is he had other options. He could have said he needed time or that he wasn't sure.

 

Stating it the way he did, that he didn't see you two getting married is a pretty bold statement that one doesn't make lightly.

I actually think he did the right thing. He told her how he felt; he was honest. I think sometimes people stick around in relationships even though they both know deep down they want different things.

I'm sorry two years is nothing, it's ridiculous to suggest that a man should commit to a woman for life through the institution of marriage after just two years.

Sorry, I didn't mean to thank this one.

There are a few studies that show people who marry after dating for less than a year are more likely to get divorced than those who have been dating longer. On the other hand, those who have been dating for more than 4 years are also more likely to get divorced than those who have been dating for 2-3 years.

2-3 years tends to be correlated with longer marriages. The thinking is that if you wait for more than 4 years, one person was "dragging their feet" or reluctant to marry and that could create marriage tension.

2-3 years tends to be correlated with longer marriages. The thinking is that if you wait for more than 4 years, one person was "dragging their feet" or reluctant to marry and that could create marriage tension.

Yet, 2 years was considered ridiculous?

Yet, 2 years was considered ridiculous?

It's own my personal opinion. Statistics can be used in all cases, so I don't tend to take statistics seriously. You can take one set of statistics and create two different arguments. A lot of marriages do not work, it doesn't matter the time-frame, I just get suspicious of women who force the issue. It's no secret that women have a lot more to gain from getting married than a man does. So, I don't blame men for not wanting to marry, the institute of marriage is sexist and oppressive to men.

It's own my personal opinion. Statistics can be used in all cases, so I don't tend to take statistics seriously. You can take one set of statistics and create two different arguments. A lot of marriages do not work, it doesn't matter the time-frame, I just get suspicious of women who force the issue. It's no secret that women have a lot more to gain from getting married than a man does. So, I don't blame men for not wanting to marry, the institute of marriage is sexist and oppressive to men.

Who says a lot of marriage do not work? You would only get that data from statistics and, as you say, statistics can be used in various ways.

I think it's pretty ridiculous to suggest that marriage is oppressive to men. I think what you are trying to suggest is that divorce ends up to being oppressive to men from the financial asset perspective. Because there is absolutely nothing in marriage that could be argued to be oppressive to men that I can think of at all. Marriage is a mutual agreement and provides for legal and financial rights to both partners.

Also, I want to defend the OP a bit here. I think it's pretty sexist to suggest that all women are out there pushing men for marriage. The OP stated what she wants for her future. People list their needs and deal-breakers all the time in relationships. No more smoking. No more drinking. No more cheating. No more porn. Want children. Want to move in. Want a committed relationship. And so forth. Marriage is another thing that some people want. And she would have been foolish to never tell him that marriage is something she wants or it would never have happened with this guy and they would be dating for 5, 7, 9, 11 years. (And yes, there have been posters who dated for 10 years magically "waiting" for a proposal that never came.)

But once he said that he didn't see our relationship ending with marriage, I kind of knew I had to be done trying to convince him I was worth it. I got his stuff for him before he left. Something similar happened with my previous boyfriend and we agreed to just "take a break" for the weekend, and on Sunday night he told me that he felt the same way. I didn't want to go through that again (spending the whole weekend waiting and hoping).

I think this was absolutely the right thing for you to do. I know it hurts now, but in the long run it is better for both of you. You want different things.

Who says a lot of marriage do not work? You would only get that data from statistics and, as you say, statistics can be used in various ways.

 

I think it's pretty ridiculous to suggest that marriage is oppressive to men. I think what you are trying to suggest is that divorce ends up to being oppressive to men from the financial asset perspective. Because there is absolutely nothing in marriage that could be argued to be oppressive to men that I can think of at all. Marriage is a mutual agreement and provides for legal and financial rights to both partners.

 

Also, I want to defend the OP a bit here. I think it's pretty sexist to suggest that all women are out there pushing men for marriage. The OP stated what she wants for her future. People list their needs and deal-breakers all the time in relationships. No more smoking. No more drinking. No more cheating. No more porn. Want children. Want to move in. Want a committed relationship. And so forth. Marriage is another thing that some people want. And she would have been foolish to never tell him that marriage is something she wants or it would never have happened with this guy and they would be dating for 5, 7, 9, 11 years. (And yes, there have been posters who dated for 10 years magically "waiting" for a proposal that never came.)

I'm speaking from my own experience, I know of a lot people who have married and ended up getting divorced, so when I say a lot I should clarify that I am speaking from my own personal experience, I'll make that clearer next time.

I find marriage oppressive because it is essentially the government along with organised religion controlling men and the entire "big day" is all about the woman. It's not their day, it's her day. The dress, the cake, the decorations, everything is centred around the bride while the groom is essentially a prop. Every wedding I have been to the focus was always on the woman, but I'll digress, I don't want to derail the thread here with my own unimportant utterings.

I never said all women were pushing marriage, there are women who have no interest in getting married and they are my type of women but I do find it odd to be setting cast iron stones for the future when nobody knows what's happening tomorrow, never mind in five years time. Furthermore this entire conversation should have taken place before they even got together. He and her would have saved themselves this situation and two years of wasted time.

I'm speaking from my own experience, I know of a lot people who have married and ended up getting divorced, so when I say a lot I should clarify that I am speaking from my own personal experience, I'll make that clearer next time.

 

I find marriage oppressive because it is essentially the government along with organised religion controlling men and the entire "big day" is all about the woman.

If that happens, it's not from the government. Perhaps religion ... I don't know. But if that happens, I think it's moreso from the bride and groom's family.

But I have to laugh at this because I've been to a number of gay weddings and I don't know who the "man" that is controlled was supposed to be.

I never said all women were pushing marriage, there are women who have no interest in getting married and they are my type of women but I do find it odd to be setting cast iron stones for the future when nobody knows what's happening tomorrow, never mind in five years time. Furthermore this entire conversation should have taken place before they even got together. He and her would have saved themselves this situation and two years of wasted time.

I'll assume that you are not the kind of person who saved for a car, saved for college, saves for vacation, saves for a house, saves for retirement, etc. On my last job interview, the first question was: where do you see yourself in 3 years, 5 years, and 10 years?

I personally plan for everything. I've been saving money since I was in my teens and bought a house (before I got married) on a modest salary because I am a planner and I have a vision for my life. I have a monthly budget which I updated almost daily with my expenses and then analyze spending and saving habits weekly. So, for me personally, I live with a plan and so see nothing wrong with sharing what I vision for my future with the person I could potentially share my life with. Perhaps this is just the difference between being a planner and a more spontaneous person.

I'm not generally a planner because every time I plan something, it never goes according to plan. I am at the moment saving money to go travelling once I finish my degree, but I have no plans to ever own a home, a car, save for retirement, because these are things that I don't care about. I want to spend most of my life travelling about, I cannot think of anything as constricting as making such set-in-stone plans but yes it boils down to personality types I guess. Anyway, I don't want to hijack someone else's thread, apologies to the OP and I wish you all the best for the future. I hope you get that wedding you are searching for.

Well, I think it's a helpful discussion in that it highlights that she's not WRONG for what she wants. It's just that people have different personalities and core needs. Hopefully that actually makes her feel better about the situation.

PS. It's not a wedding she's searching for. It's a married life.