I don't get love.

People and the way they fall in and out of love just confuses me.

There was an acquaintance of mine whose husband committed suicide. From what I know, it was completely unexpected. They had several children together. When I imagined what she must be going through, I thought about the confusion and devastation and heartbreak. And then, in less than a year, I found out she'd gotten remarried - not just dating, not just engaged, but already remarried to someone else.

There was an old friend who recently announced on Facebook that she had gotten married. The catch is that no one even knew she'd gotten divorced. It turns out she filed in December and was remarried by April.

These are just two of many stories that I've heard in the past couple of months - all with similar themes. Someone appears to be in love with someone - and then two seconds later, they're in love with someone else.

I don't get how this works, and it's making me wonder what's wrong with me.

It's been four years since my breakup, and I still largely cannot fathom being with someone else - because a huge part of my heart still belongs to him.

I don't understand why everyone else can seemingly let go of love and move on with the snap of a finger. How do they do that?!!

Einsteinsgirl.

Thing is, what "seems" is not often what "is".

Behind closed doors and all that.

There might not have been any love to let go of......

That said, marrying on the rebound is a very bad idea. Marrying in order not to be alone, equally bad idea.

Maybe he killed himself because she filed for divorce? Divorce is one of the most highly stressful situations a person can go through so I guess no suicide was not unexpected.

My guess is she married because she was too afraid to be alone with her kids. That is not love.

Another example is a woman whose husband was battling terminal cancer. They were both quite young. They fought tooth and nail together, and in that case, it was very clear that the love between them was deep and profound - almost seemed once-in-a-lifetime. My heart broke for her with every update, as she tried to imagine a life without him and couldn't. When he passed away, her devastation was apparent. ... But in less than two years, she was with someone else and expecting a baby.

I still can't wrap my mind around that one - how she managed to heal her heart so quickly and open it to love again.

Are people supposed to mourn endlessly?

Would the man who loved her so deeply want her to cry for 20 years and not go on to live?

Op we do not know the kind of conversations that pass between spouses in that last example you give. Of course she was devastated, but her late husband may have urged her not to bury herself and to move on with her life. Two years is a fair time for grieving....

Also, OP, you are speaking of bereavements (death). The loved on is gone, forever.

In the case of break-ups the time frames may be of a different quality or length. The one "lost" is still around, somewhere.

Because life goes on.

If you're resaonably healthy and sane, you move on with it.

Humans have amazing resilience and an ability to adapt to things.

When people spend their time and energy looking backwards and keeping their focus on "what was"....that's when they create trouble for themselves....because we also have an amazing ability to get in our own way.

Are people supposed to mourn endlessly?

That's not what I'm saying. I'm not judging her for moving on. I just don't understand - truly - how she did it. Even if they had conversations about it - and I'm sure he did give her his blessing and tell her to find love again - that doesn't mean one's heart will still be able to do it.

Perhaps my heart just isn't resilient enough.

Also, OP, you are speaking of bereavements (death). The loved on is gone, forever.

 

In the case of break-ups the time frames may be of a different quality or length. The one "lost" is still around, somewhere.

Yes, you're right. It is different. To be honest, the way most people move on quickly after breakups (or before the breakup) puzzles me even more.

OP, and then there is grief not related to death. And equally that can turn into complicated grief. The more complicated and/or dysfunctional the relationship was before is directly linked to the extent of complicated grief, or chronic grief.

Another example is a woman whose husband was battling terminal cancer. They were both quite young. They fought tooth and nail together, and in that case, it was very clear that the love between them was deep and profound - almost seemed once-in-a-lifetime. My heart broke for her with every update, as she tried to imagine a life without him and couldn't. When he passed away, her devastation was apparent. ... But in less than two years, she was with someone else and expecting a baby.

 

I still can't wrap my mind around that one - how she managed to heal her heart so quickly and open it to love again.

I think there are different phenomena going on here: one is resiliency and the other is rebounding.

There are some studies that show that the men who are MOST likely to marry are fairly recently widowed men. Far and above all other demographics. The thinking behind it is because they have the desire and ability to commit and don't have the baggage of divorce. And there is a sense of mortality, the shortness of life, and not wanting to 'waste' time alone.

Some people are highly resilient in general. That's why you have some people who can actually move on from a breakup in a matter of a few weeks whereas others take a few years. A good friend of mine who tended to move on quickly (and I think really did move on instead of rebounding) was the kind of person who simply had a lot of faith that things that happened were meant to happen and she trusted in her higher power. I'm not saying that's the way to go but I am saying she had a strong sense of purpose and felt confident that the right man was around the corner for her. Soooo, when her fiance of 2 years dumped her, she was pretty open to meeting the man who became her husband a year later. (They've been happily married for 10 years now.) I think that could have been the case for your widowed friend.

There are also people who simply can't stand to be single so they quickly rebound. And that's possible too.

One thing I do believe in is that there isn't such a thing as "the one." I think it's a matter of finding a person who is right for you and you can get along well with. I think folks who don't get "one-itis" tend to be able to move on a little bit because they aren't left thinking that the person they lost was the only one for them. In fact, I think there are many people I could be happy with and that's what is so remarkable about the mind and your mindset. That's also what makes commitment important too. Because although you can be happy with Bob, Jim, or Ted, you choose Dan and Dan chooses you as a partner in this life journey. And you do your best to make it work with Dan of course. However you know if Dan leaves you in some way, there are still Bobs, Jims, or Teds out there to continue your journey with if you so choose.

It's been four years since my breakup, and I still largely cannot fathom being with someone else - because a huge part of my heart still belongs to him.

So you don't think four years is too long a period?

This is not the best example because celebrities are a whole different breed, but I look at someone like Eva Longoria, who just got married for the third time (and I think was engaged several times without a resulting marriage too) - and there are people I know who aren't celebrities who have had similar experiences - and I just wonder, "How does she keep doing this? How does she keep finding the courage / hope to try again?"

I fell in love once. I committed my heart to him, for better or worse. (No, we weren't married, but I committed to him in my heart.)

I'm just not up for it again.

That's what I'm trying to figure out - what's different about me, compared to all of these other people? At first, I thought it would fade - that eventually I'd want to try to have a relationship again - but it's been years now, and the idea just sounds exhausting. I just feel like I've been through enough.

So you don't think four years is too long a period?

I do think it is. But it's where I am nonetheless.

Most important OP. Do not, ever, compare yourself or your emotions to others. What "others" do is not a subject for rumination. People do odd things for all kinds of reasons, and celebs do some very strange stuff !!

As Ms Darcy said above:

"Some people are highly resilient in general. That's why you have some people who can actually move on from a breakup in a matter of a few weeks whereas others take a few years."

That is the best trait one can ever cultivate: resilience.

Try not to look outwards at what "others" are doing, OP.

Well you said a huge part of your heart still belongs to him. So do you think you may not have moved on because your still holding on to him? And the pain that came with the breakup?

But to answer your question, yes I think they moved on way too fast. With the example of Eva Longoria, my immediate thought is she must have some problems. Maybe self-esteem, desperation, can't be alone...

"because a huge part of my heart still belongs to him."

OP, this is the real issue here. Until your heart is free, wholly and entirely, and yours again, you will find it most difficult to enter any relationship.

Just bear in mind, that your heart is yours, to be cherished and protected. We should never give our heart away. Loving again is another matter.

Yes, you are all right. The issue is that my heart isn't free... which is kind of the point of my original post. I'm wondering why everyone else seems to find it so easy to "free their heart" and "move on" (even in the most horrific of circumstances), and I don't. Is it because they never really loved the person? Is it because they're simply more resilient? Is it because they're rebounding, and their heart isn't really free after all? All plausible scenarios, depending on the person. But the underlying confusion is that everyone else - for whatever reason - seems to be able to do it - and even you guys, in your responses here, seem to think it should be "easy" to do.

But I don't know. Trust me, if I could've purged him from my heart years ago, I would've. But trying to "free one's heart" and "move on" isn't choreography or a math problem. One can't just learn the steps and do it. Or at least, I can't.

No OP. No one, no one, said it was "easy". Indeed looking at any thread here you will see how tremendously difficult breakups and divorces are for so many.

"But the underlying confusion is that everyone else - for whatever reason - seems to be able to do it -"

Not "everyone" for the simple reason that we do not know everyone. And even those cases we know of well, we simply do not know all the facts of their story or history.

The grief and grieving timeline is different for each individual.

Until you eventually take back your heart (and no one said that will be easy either and may take a lot of time, and perhaps help) you may not find peace.

On the bright side, at least I know I'm definitely someone who can be alone.

I wish there was a simple answer to how to get over someone. I am still mourning a three month "relationship" where I just felt unhappy, used and lonely. I get so annoyed with myself for not being over this person when he didn't treat me the way I wants and wasn't the person I wished him to be. It's been about 5 months. Now my ex of 3 years, I was able to move past him pretty quickly. Why? I have no clue.

Our hearts can be a menace.

Yes, you are all right. The issue is that my heart isn't free... which is kind of the point of my original post. I'm wondering why everyone else seems to find it so easy to "free their heart" and "move on" (even in the most horrific of circumstances), and I don't. Is it because they never really loved the person? Is it because they're simply more resilient? Is it because they're rebounding, and their heart isn't really free after all? All plausible scenarios, depending on the person. But the underlying confusion is that everyone else - for whatever reason - seems to be able to do it -u and even you guys, in your responses here, seem to think it should be "easy" to do.

 

But I don't know. Trust me, if I could've purged him from my heart years ago, I would've. But trying to "free one's heart" and "move on" isn't choreography or a math problem. One can't just learn the steps and do it. Or at least, I can't.

Well even using the word "easy" suggests that you have a specific perspective. Four years is a LONG time. I barely remember stuff from that long ago. So in my opinion, I suspect that the breakup actually stirred up some deeper perhaps childhood issues of loss and abandonment for you. I know you have had therapy. Just consider that therapy is best when you use them as tools to help you understand your specific triggers as well as to practice strategies to heal yourself emotionally.

On the bright side, at least I know I'm definitely someone who can be alone.

There is value in that!

So in my opinion, I suspect that the breakup actually stirred up some deeper perhaps childhood issues of loss and abandonment for you.

Yeah, I'm certain this is true. I wasn't abandoned as a child in a conventional sense, but my dad's job kept him away a lot, and when he was home, he was too tired to spend much time with us kids. I also had several friends who I felt abandoned me during adolescence, and I have a sense that people don't value me and find me quite dispensable.

Interestingly, my ex also had a job that kept him away a lot, and when he could've spent time with me, he often chose not to do that.