GIGS Situation

I'm new here and I'm open to opinions and others' experiences dealing with partners and the "grass is greener syndrome". I posted this on another forum elsewhere too but was interested and seeing what another group of people had to say.

I have been in a relationship with a guy for 6 years on and off. The relationship did have a lot of arguing involved. We broke up a total of 2 times. The first, him breaking it off because he couldn't deal with my attitude (something I'm working on). The second, most recently, he says he's in love with another woman. Over the past year our relationship has had a lot of issues (not communicating, arguing, misunderstanding each other, etc) and he admit that his "JUST a friend" became more. They eventually started having sex and then he developed strong feelings for her, WHILE we were together. I found out eventually, he told me he wasn't happy the past year with me, we broke up.

I stopped talking to him for about a month. He texts me "I just wanted to say hi and I hope everything is well." Breadcrumbs, whatever you want to call it. I keep it cordial. He starts contacting me more and after a while he took me out for dinner to get things off his chest. He apologizes and apologizes, admits his wrongs, tells me the truth about everything, wants to work it out, etc. It seemed genuine. We go out on a few dates and (sadly) ended up having sex. He changes his mind a week later. Soon after he's back and forth between me and her. I made the sad mistake of trying to convince him to just SEE where things would go with us. He agreed to at least try with me. This was for a week and today he texts me saying that he cannot deny his feelings for the other woman. He says he loves me, but he is in love with her and that he wants to make things work with this other woman. In that year, she did cheat on him with someone else (it's confusing). I cannot understand why he would leave someone completely loyal to him. Also, I am 22, he will be 23, we've been together since junior year of high school.

** QUESTIONS AT HAND.

1) Is he doing this because he thinks I'm a sure thing?

2) Did I take him back too soon and too easily?

3) When things go wrong with her do you think he will try and ease his way back?

4) GIGS or not?

** QUESTIONS AT HAND.

1) Is he doing this because he thinks I'm a sure thing?

2) Did I take him back too soon and too easily?

3) When things go wrong with her do you think he will try and ease his way back?

4) GIGS or not?

What's the difference?

I'd be long gone. I suggest you do the same.

This has to do with player not greener.

It would be best to go no contact for so many reasons, he keeps dumping you, he cheated, he is with someone. Unfortunately you are wasting your time being this guys other toy when you could be dating decent guys.

He says he loves me, but he is in love with her and that he wants to make things work with this other woman.

i suggest you don't label this with "syndromes" popular on the web that suggest he is somehow a victim of a psychological manipulation of his immature brain. telling yourself he really does love you and is simply a victim of his mind that tricked him into digging up a shiny new lawn isn't going to make you his one and only choice.

rather, he chose another woman. he chose to feed you breadcrumbs whilst still not making you his one and only choice. in fact, he clearly states he wants to make it work with her and is softening the blow to not be the bad guy and to not be on the receiving end of your emotional reaction, by telling you it's really you he loves--- but not like you can expect to ever benefit from that in any way. live happily knowing someone loves you while banging someone they are choosing to commit to- omg, laughable, isn't it???

it is as far as it gets from love. she is a fertile object-cathexis, you are good for narcissistic cathexis. she offers the resemblance of intimacy and you offer validation.

if you must believe that he does love you- how is that "love" helpful, seeing as it never manifests as love, but as the behavior that you have thus far described?

how do you feel about letting this one go and giving someone else a try, or maybe spending a while on your own? are you so fixatedon him that you can't ditch him despite this downright humiliating rejection and playing?

This has nothing to do with gigs.

First of all, you two simply don't get along and just because you've been together for so long, doesn't justify continuing what sounds like a toxic relationship.

Second, he cheated on you. Where on earth is your self respect that you'd even consider taking someone like that back or even acknowledging his existence at all???!!!!

Do yourself a huge favor - forget he exists. Delete and block all contact for the sake of your own sanity. Then seriously think long and hard why you stooped so low for so long with a guy who is not worth even one second of your time? I promise you that once you clear your head and look back with 20/20 vision, you will not understand yourself what you ever saw in this loser.

seriously, what is it with these "she has the gigs/ he has the grass is greener syndrome but s/he really loves me" posts?!

it's a prime and (i'm sorry if i sound rude, just pointing out the lack of sense in the defense mechanism) hillarious example of denial.

i am presently faced with a mental image of one from a previous era when people were down with all sorts of infectious cases, and talking nonsense in their febrile delirium. i imagine the posters wiping the other's forehead with a cold wet cloth as the "patient" mutters "i am leaving you for someone else" and the op going:

"ehm...hehe..don't mind him/her, he's just delusional from the virus, it's the gigs disease, he really does love me. as soon as he recovers from the syndrome he will leave the bleep he left me for when psychotic due to a syndrome, and will realize again i am the love of his life and he will return to me, healthy and sane again".

the guy is an a$$ and a coward and most importantly, he has left you and is with someone else. whatever he says in his "delirium" changes squat.

Thank you all for your insight! I did plan to do no contact, not to get him back, but to heal from this. It's hard to let go after 6 years, even more so difficult because we were good friends before the relationship, but it's needed.

i suggest you don't label this with "syndromes" popular on the web that suggest he is somehow a victim of a psychological manipulation of his immature brain. telling yourself he really does love you and is simply a victim of his mind that tricked him into digging up a shiny new lawn isn't going to make you his one and only choice.

I just wanted this to be posted again

It sounds as if this situation is long overdue and it's best that you get out of it while you can. In the future you have to do a better job of safeguarding your heart from men like this.

It'll take a while, but it will be worth it in the end to close all this chapter of your life.

Noooo, at this stage I'm going to tell you I went through this with a guy for six years. It's a control issue and it's a mental issue. He has problems, he cannot stay in one relationship sanely and monogamously. He will run back to you to make him feel better any time life goes wrong for him, because you let him and it's what he uses to validate his own self worth.

As long as you take him back whenever he messes up he can continue playing the game of, "Oh, I'm not that bad. She still takes me back." And then when he has you he doesn't want you, he wants something else so he goes looking, and then it's rinse and repeat over and over.

The only way off of this train wreck is for you to climb down and get off the tracks. That means you permanently delete and block him from your life and refuse to be his emotional pillow every time life kicks him in the teeth over his bad decisions. And yes, he will likely try to contact you from now on when that happens, regardless. Or maybe not, maybe he'll transfer that to someone else.

But this not a healthy sane normal pattern of behavior. It's all I can tell you and I've watched my ex do it to at least two other women, women who were a whole lot smarter than I and didn't put up with it.

Guess who he called trying to cry to about how mean those women were to him although he's the one who'd cheated on them. Uh-huh. I just added the numbers he called from to the list of blocked "don't answer" and kept right on going with my now much happier life.

Suggest you do that same, this pattern he's in will not change. Sorry.

I have been in a relationship with a guy for 6 years on and off.

This is as far as I need to read. I don't believe in 'on and off'. Once someone dumps me, or I feel the need to dump him, it makes zero sense for me to go backward.

I've done reconciliations, and all they ever taught me was that the first breakup was the wisest move. Everything after that was a wheelspin.

We never get any wasted time back to for do-overs. You've sunk 6 years into this guy only to get dumped yet again, so at what point do you stop wasting your future?

Head high, and move FORward.