Feeling guilty about leaving my abusive X BF...

I was in an abusive relationship for over 4 years with my X BF. It was rarely physical abuse, but there were times. There was daily disrespect and hurt. If I tried to express myself I was met with cold indifference or being yelled at and threatened.

While spending a week having friends over to our place we were all getting drunk/high/using xanax. I also did this and his bestfriend who had always kinda protected me from my BF started telling me he loved me and wanted me to leave my abusive BF so he could take care of me. Of course I resisted and said no for days, but as the days passed and we continued to drink etc, not sleeping, my bf still treating me awful as well.... i thought to myself that this is God's way of getting me out of this and even rewarding me with someone I knew who would love me how I always dreamed of.

Looking back I was not thinking clearly. I do appreciate that I got out of the abusive situation but the bestfriend changed his mind after a few wks and said he wasn't ready. I decided to not talk to him anymore even as friends.

Anyways, now that a few months have passed I'm starting to feel horrible guilt for breaking up with my X. He seemed so shocked and hurt by it. He still tries to get others to give me letters of apology, i read the 1st one but it made me so depressed to hear his words. I feel like he is manipulating me back into the relationship b/c he wants his slave back. I know he cares for me but I don't believe he is in love with me or is capable of treating me the way I would need him to. I also am terrified he would snap at me someday about all the things that happened and hurt me or treat me even worse. I've been no contact since i made him leave my apartment. I've moved and even dated a little. I still love him just as much and know that abusers manipulate our emotions, i just cant tell if Im a bad person for leaving and ignoring him now since he claims to understand what he did wrong and is begging for another chance... i gave him 4 years and he always laughed in my face when I was explaining my pain and what I wanted and needed from him..... all of a sudden me leaving has him claiming he gets it and wants to make me happy?

It doesn't matter how you left him...parachute, snowmobile or hoverboard, if this other guy was the ticket then so be it. Even if this guy is out of the picture, don't let the ex suck you back. Excellent on moving out and no contact. You're stronger than you think.

I feel like he is manipulating me back into the relationship b/c he wants his slave back.

That means a lot, thank you.

Have you sought any therapy for abuse?

He's just giving you lip service about changing. He will never change without anger management courses and therapy for his own low self worth. Don't believe him that he's changed and do not accept him back unless he agree to do those too things and has graduated the anger management course and has been in therapy for at least a year. He won't agree to that and that will clearly tell you that he's full of chit.

Keep strong and keep gone and do get your own therapy as well so that you are helped professional to come to terms with why you would stay 4 years with someone that mistreated you and only left when you thought you were being rescued. Work to be the best you that you can be so that you don't end up staying with another one just like him.

Be well.

The guilt is misplaced and comes from your own feelings of "I would not want this done to me" rather than a rational "I got myself out of a bad relationship"

I'm sorry, but sometimes we need a push or a catalyst to propel us out of a bad or toxic situation, regardless of where that comes from.

Your former best friend thought it would be great, but he found himself unprepared to deal with reality as opposed to a fantasy too.

Nonetheless you are now free, so do not let that guilt propel you back to a bad situation, which will undoubtedly only be worse.

Use this time to get into therapy, to focus on yourself, to build your own self-esteem and respect up enough that you do not have or need to have some guy, any guy, give you permission to walk away or stay or do anything but live your life.

You'll be far, far better for it. So realize you are now free to go and improve yourself, put it all into the past, and leave both men behind since neither of them has really made life better for you and neither should be expected to solve anything for you. You need to be strong enough to do that on your own, without anyone.

And yes, take a solid year off of dating or relationships with anyone. You need time to fully recover mentally and emotionally and you need to give yourself that time. Good luck and I hope you can use this time to work out on yourself. You need to be the only one responsible for your happiness and you really only learn how to do that if you don't have other people around going one way or another, "You can't make it without me," or "There there, I understand you're helpless and so I'll save you from yourself and anyone else too."

Life will get so much better if you learn to be happy first and foremost with your own company. And realize false guilt is a totally useless emotion. Feel guilty if you deliberately run a puppy down in the street or you steal from your mom, you know crap things that actually people should feel bad for doing.

Leaving behind toxic situations and relationships? Nope, get into therapy and find out what that is, but it isn't really true guilt. It's something much more unhealthy.

Thank you so much for this thread...I am literally in the same boat only its only been 1 month and I feel so guilt for leaving but he hit me 4 times in the part year.....the last reply made me feel so much stronger that I can get thru this...literally have tears in my eyes...so glad I'm not the only one going thru this