Is it normal to feel this way?

Is it normal to feel utter relief that a relationship is over and you're free from the heartache, self doubt, and gut wrenching pain it caused you;only to feel the next minute that it's so hard to be on your own and you wish you could go back to them, to a time when things are good? Uhhh, it's so back and forth with my feelings the last few weeks. We share 50/50 custody of our son, so he's still in my life. I have to hear every time I see him how much he misses me and how much he's changed and blah, blah, blah. Yes I miss what we had when it was good, but I'm loving being single and on my own, making my own decisions, and doing what I want to do. He controlled everything when we were together, and now I'm enjoying the little things, like going and buying a new pair of jeans the other day and not having to ask his permission first! It's an enlightening experience after 5 years. I'm not told I'm not good enough anymore, that I don't clean right, that I don't grocery shop right, that I'm lazy and worthless. I'm one of the most not lazy people I know, I work full time, go to school full time, own my own business, and raise my son. But at night, when I'm lonely, or our son does something cute, or I see a couple at work who are so obviously in love with each other, it breaks my heart and I start thinking I just wish we could make it work. But he'll never change and I need to accept that. I'm trying to just keep on keepin on, I just wish I didn't miss him sometimes!

Freedom from tyranny is one of the most wonderful feelings there is. What you miss is a relationship, not him or the facade of a relationship you had with him. Your heart and soul are in the right place and you will find a good relationship as a result of that.

I'm loving being single and on my own. He controlled everything when we were together

Yes, it's normal. When you leave a bad relationship it can actually feel a lot like some weight just lifted off your head. That doesn't stop you from wanting a healthy and happy relationship for yourself though. It's basically your clue that you are free and ready to seek better for yourself. Your ex is not it and is never going to be.

What you're experiencing is totally normal.

As someone who's been on both sides perhaps he has changed.

I wouldn't uproot your life, but seeing a counselor and discussing why you left and seeing what he has to say might be better than a permanent what if

However never let someone control you or tell you what to do, usually these people are terrified because their feeling insecure. It's not an excuse but an explanation.

You have 613 in your name, if that's the area code we live in the same place and can message you a few free couples counsellors....

But let's say you worked it out, you have to make sure your firm about not being controlled, and not move to fast, the kids shouldn't experience such up/downs..

It does sound like you miss him, I know 99% of the time "changed" is a lie, or optimistic yet failed attempt to. However if my ex had given me the same oppertunity we would be much happier then we're we ended up years later

Then again, I've never experienced a controlling relationship first hand, I kinda don't like the thought of it regardless of understanding the theory behind the actions

Thank you all. I know from experience with him that he uses the word "changed" very loosely. We've split up and gotten back together before after he'd promised to change, but a month into it, it'd gotten so much worse because it was like he knew he had me and I'd always come back. I still stayed for another 10 months trying to make things work for our son's sake, but I just couldn't do it emotionally anymore. I know I'm better off and in a much better place, it's just the loneliness that gets me sometimes. Or when I remember the good times, like the inside jokes we shared that were just ours, the stupid pet names, how much we laughed with each other...those are the things I miss. I just need to remember that the bad always outweighed the good and move on. Somethingwitt, I'm not in the 613 area code, lol, its just some random numbers I came up with when making my profile, thank you though!

You sound like you answered your own problem cheers

Totally. There is sadness, there may be days you even miss them, but yeah. When you finally pull the plug and the fog clears all you feel sometimes is...relief.

I liken it to the lobster in the pot theory. You know, when you're cooking a lobster you put them in warm comfortable water at first. They like it, it's nice in there, it's cozy it's warm. There's no fighting or thrashing. Then the water gets a little bit hotter slowly until when it's boiling they can't fight, don't probably even know they could, and then they're cooked and dead.

A bad relationship, a toxic one, an abusive one is like that too. At first it's fine, good even, feels right. It's just the water gets hotter and hotter so slowly that by the time you're being boiled alive you've long ago forgotten it isn't supposed to feel like that and most of the fight has literally been burned out of you by that point.

If or when you manage to somehow get the lid off the pot, crawl away, heal and suddenly remember what it feels like to not be being burned as what's truly "normal" then there's just this massive relief.

So heal, move on, this is totally and utterly normal. You may also get angry enough you'll want to stick him into a pot or two, you may cry and even miss that pot and boiling water at times since you got so used to it being the norm, but sooner or later you snap out of all of that.

You're doing just fine, keep going.

Normal!

Expect a mixed bag of emotions.

I recall feeling the same way. I love Wisemans' term `freedom from tyranny'

But at the same time, no one is all bad. No doubt you'll have some good memories and that's ok.

As much as I was relieved by the end of my marriage for similar reasons,

I will forever grieve the ending of my `family'.

Just be patient and give yourself time. Know that everything you feeling, good, bad or otherwise is normal.

Good Luck!