Letters to the Ex

Why oh why do people want to vomit their feelings onto a piece of paper or into an e-mail or text and send it to the ex. Has anyone, outside of the movies, ever seen this work?

Some last ditch effort to tell them how you feel, or how you’ve changed, or how you realise you’ve done them wrong never works. It’s too late by that time. The ship has sailed. The time to do all this was a long time ago. By the time you write the letter they’ve made up their minds and all the letter usually does is piss them off.

You want to make things better? Shut up. Say nothing. At least that way you can’t screw things up any more than they already are. Less is more in this case.

So in the future, if you want to write that letter, burn or delete it when you finish it. Writing down your thoughts can be a cathartic experience. But it’s for your benefit only. Don’t feel the need to share it with your ex!!

No, if anything, it backfires because the recipient will just laugh or sigh or roll their eyes. Journaling may be a way for some people to process stuff, but an ex should not be privy to this process.

Has anyone, outside of the movies, ever seen this work?

"The letter that you wrote me made me stop and wonder why

But I guess you felt like you had to set things right

Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky

You can see the stars and still not see the light"

I have seen it work in about 20% of the cases I know about. Of the 20% it had been probably 3 months since the break up and as long as 1 year or more.

Sometimes people just have their heads up their butt and need a break up to pull it out. People can and do change, the only question is how much damage had been done and whether the other person wants to take the leap of faith and try again.

Right after a breakup anything is just self serving and not real. It takes time for lasting change...

Lost

Lots of times, letters are NOT to try and get the ex back....it's a closure letter to tell the other person how much they hurt YOU. It makes the writer feel better. I wrote a long letter to my ex-fiance' who started cheating on me the week we became engaged. I found out a month later.

Anyway...2 months later I sent the letter...saying don't contact me again (after reading about it here teehee) and he called me crying. I had hope. The next day he was back to be cold! lol

Anyway, as usual....we did get back together after a few months....and then dumped me again for the 'new girl'. ummm....we were in our 50s.

So ....last year I met a guy. His wife of 30 years just left him for his best friend. I started dating him a MONTH later. He wanted to write his ex a letter telling her off, basically. I told him not to, just write a letter and burn it. He said his mom thought it was a good idea.

He wrote the letter. Can't remember if he heard back or not...but he said it made him feel better.

So even if she rolled her eyes.....it made HIM feel better, and that was what mattered.

He was NOT trying to get her back tho. I guess it's better than going to the ex's front door and screaming at them.

I've gotten a few of those. I either laughed my butt off or was very, very, annoyed. Either way, it did not rekindle my feelings for them.

I got one too. I shared it with the guy I was currently dating and we laughed and laughed.

I wasn't being cruel for no reason. The guy who wrote the letter had lied to me multiple times about some pretty major stuff (for example, he conveniently "forgot" to tell me he'd moved in with another woman!!), but when I dumped his sorry butt he suddenly "loved" me.

Then a few years later he started electronically stalking me (sent THIRTEEN unanswered messages to me!). He wouldn't leave me alone so I blocked him.

I cared not one bit what he had to say, or if it made HIM feel better. The jerko deserved to be ignored.

I have to say the ones that bug me the most are those who "suddenly" realize they really do love the woman or man they'd been taking for granted for years after that person finally had enough and left them. Frosts my behind.

I have seen it work in about 20% of the cases I know about. Of the 20% it had been probably 3 months since the break up and as long as 1 year or more.

 

Sometimes people just have their heads up their butt and need a break up to pull it out. People can and do change, the only question is how much damage had been done and whether the other person wants to take the leap of faith and try again.

 

Right after a breakup anything is just self serving and not real. It takes time for lasting change...

 

Lost

I think 2 percent is probably more accurate than 20 percent. The vast majority of letters to exes are cringeworthy and awful and make things worse.

Unless kids are involved ANY form of communication with an ex is a BIG mistake, especially so if you are the dumpee. DON"T DO IT, I speak from experience. Silence is a huge weapon. Special forces use it extensively in interrogation.

I sent a letter to my ex two days after the break up because she text dumped me after 18 months and never gave me opportunity to talk with her - the spineless coward that she is. So I wrote her a polite but frank letter expressing my views. She told me she has no intention of reading it and to not contact her anymore. I have never heard from her since.

DON"T do it guys, there are no exceptions. If they dump you, get your stuff and leave with quiet dignity. Trust me, it pays in the long run, especially if you harbor a wish for reconciliation. You may think the letter helps towards that end, by stating your kindness and love of the person. But it doesn't. It pushes them even further away. Been there and got the T-shirt. DON'T do it!!!!

I think 2 percent is probably more accurate than 20 percent. The vast majority of letters to exes are cringeworthy and awful and make things worse.

^^^^^ I could not have said it better myself. Absolutely 100% correct ^^^^^

Man, I can relate to this. I remember the day after my breakup, I had a talk with my dad. An epiphany set in. I wrote all this great advice from my father down on paper, and had the entire conversation planned in my head about what I would tell my ex the day after she left me. When I called her, she was so annoyed. Didn't want to hear from me at all. I don't blame her. SHe was busy with friends. (Granted I had no idea of knowing). Anyways, I couldn't talk, was all flustered. So I ended the phone call, and emailed her instead. It was pretty pointless.

And I wasn't a dirtbag or a cheater. I just lost my own identity throughout the whole process and couldn't be myself in the relationship. Which lead to its ultimate demise. Still, even when I figured all this out, and was ready to be REAL with my ex-partner, it was too late. That letter was more for me to get closure than to get her back. Like OP said. Ship had sailed. It is a tough pill to swallow. Because you know what you did wrong and what NOT to do next time, but 99% of the time, there is nothing you can say or do to get your partner back. You just have to live and learn. Sucks, but it's true.