Jump to content

Controlling or very opinionated?


Michael22

Recommended Posts

Hi, my name is Michael. I came here for some advice on my girlfriend and I's relationship. I am 17 and she is 16 and we've been dating for just shy of 6 months. I love the girl to bits and i definetely see a future with her and plan on spending as long as I can with her. Her family loves me very much and I get along with all of them and I love our relationship with each other. Now to the problem. We have a lot of arguments. Over really stupid things most of the time. One of the most persistent is things she wants to do that I don't like. She had a big break down last night and said "she couldn't take it anymore and that I don't love her for all of her" I could not get her to calm down over facetime and she would not stop crying. Basically what happens is she's a girl that does a lot of makeup, and wears hair extensions and whatnot and who likes to dress revealing. I don't like these things really at all. I have tried to peacefully and non confrontationally express my dislike for these things several times. I enjoy a small amount of makeup but when she puts the fake lashes on and paints her eyebrows on it bothers me. I tell her all the time she looks beautiful in her natural state and that I don't mind a little makeup. Like the basics. The thing is when she does the things like wear hair extensions (which i really dislike and i've told her many times) and wear a lot of makeup it upsets me and makes me feel like she's trying to impress people other than me and I get all pissy and usually take it out on her. It's gotten to the point where she just does those things now and doesn't even tell me about it so I don't get upset and so she doesn't have to deal with it. Now get this. In her break down and crying fit last night she told me that because I don't like those things that she does it means that I don't love all of her and hate certain parts about her. That's not true at all. I love her and her entirety and no doubt want to be with her. I just don't like when she does these modifications to the point where she looks like a completely different person. Should I just grow some balls and deal with these things she does or try something else? I really need some help because it's drastically affecting our relationship. The state she was in last night upset me so much and I couldn't believe that I did that to her. It even made me think about just breaking it off so I don't cause her that pain anymore. I really love her and really want to be with her. Is she being over dramatic to get what she wants or is there a bigger problem here? Thanks to anyone for any help at all.

Link to comment
  • Replies 83
  • Created
  • Last Reply

If you don't like lots of makeup, then don't date a girl who wears lots of makeup. And yes, it's controlling to get with someone and then tell them to change themselves when they have been this way all along. You have to accept them from the get-go, how they are when you get with them. If you didn't like smoking, you wouldn't date a smoker and then once in a relationship, try to get them to quit. It's waste of your time as well as theirs.

Link to comment

What you're trying to do is change her but, you know, when we love someone, we accept them as they are. If this was about something that really affected you, like the way she behaves to you, you would have a point. But how much make up she wears or if she wears extensions has nothing to do with you. I imagine she was like that when you met her, so, why do you want her to change to please you?

Make-up and clothes and hair extensions and all that are things that women do for themselves, because it makes them feel better, not to impress others...and it seems that this girl is devoted to you. For now, at least. Because if you continue torturing her with your unfounded insecurities, you'll lose her.

Link to comment

Yes, this is controlling. This is the kind of controlling that's very, very concerning to women. The fact that you made her have a break down because of it... this is heading into abuse.

 

The fact is, if you love someone, then you don't get with them and try to change them. If you don't like extensions and make up and someone making herself look nice, then you don't get with someone who does those things then get angry at them.

 

And if you find yourself being with someone and then suddenly feel like the things they do are just ways to get attention from other men, you need to understand that the issue is in you, not the other person.

 

You're young though, and this is something that doesn't have to mark all your adult relationships as long as you deal with it now.

Link to comment

This sounds very disturbing to me. I've had an ex who would tell me what looked good on me and what not. I ended up buying different clothes just to please him and it didn't make me feel good about myself AT ALL! I wasn't myself anymore and felt controlled and pushed to wear what he liked. All the while he was pointing towards other women on the street who did dressed nice and saying that I should wear clothes like them. Now he wasn't even as pushy as you are, he was way more subtle than that. But it does undermines your self-esteem, self-worth and creeps under your skin. This is not what you want to do to the girl you're suppose to love and be kind to. Frankly this is emotional abuse. You've no right to tell her what to wear or how to do her makeup or hair. It's her body, her life, not yours.

Link to comment

Michael,

 

Please, under no circumstances ever in your life let someone tell you that you are responsible for how they feel.

 

It's not your responsibility to validate every decision that someone you're dating makes. You don't have to tell her you like her hair if you don't in fact like her hair. That's not abusive. Don't get pissy. That's obnoxious, but don't think that you having some kind of preference means you don't accept her. That doesn't mean you have the right to demand she do something differently or treat her poorly (pissy) because you don't like it, but you have every right in the world to not like it without being branded as some kind of abuser.

 

You are completely responsible for how you treat people, but that doesn't make you responsible for how they feel. Sure, when you care about someone it makes you upset that they're upset, but don't internalize the message that someone being upset with you makes you somehow "bad" as the source of their upset.

Link to comment

I find it disturbing too and frankly, yes, you ARE controlling, you want to change her to suit YOU and what YOU want. To me, that's emotional abuse.

 

Don't like her make-up? Don't like her hair? Don't like what she wears? Keep having fights about it and upsetting her etc etc? Maybe you guys are incompatible. Find someone better suited to you. She is not it.

Link to comment
And if you find yourself being with someone and then suddenly feel like the things they do are just ways to get attention from other men, you need to understand that the issue is in you, not the other person.

 

Um....what if they are actually doing things to get attention from other men?

Link to comment
I've had an ex who would tell me what looked good on me and what not. I ended up buying different clothes just to please him and it didn't make me feel good about myself AT ALL! I wasn't myself anymore and felt controlled and pushed to wear what he liked.

 

I understand that was painful for you, but if all he said was "this would look good on you, that would look good on you" isn't the fact that you changed to please him really on you?

 

I'm not trying to be upsetting here, but if you say "TMifune, you'd really look good in Penguins jersey" and I start wearing Penguins jerseys even though I hate the Penguins, isn't the discomfort I experience pretty much my fault? I mean the simple statement that such and such would look good on you isn't even pressure unless you resist it and it's constantly reapplied, is it?

Link to comment
Basically what happens is she's a girl that does a lot of makeup, and wears hair extensions and whatnot and who likes to dress revealing.

 

...makes me feel like she's trying to impress people other than me and I get all pissy and usually take it out on her.

 

Wasn't she like that when you met and got with her? If so, how come you got with her in the first place? Getting with someone who is a certain way and trying to change them afterwards is never cool imo.

 

I think that her need to use all these "enhancements" denotes that she is a person who is insecure about herself and needs external validation. Most 16 year old girls ARE insecure. On the other hand, based on what you wrote above about her trying to impress people other than you making you lash out, I think that YOU are also insecure. Also natural for your age I would guess. I think that both of you have issues that you need to work on, with insecurity being the common theme. You need to learn not to take out your insecurity on the girl you care about and she needs to learn to defend her choices/ defending her boundaries in an adult manner without reverting to crying. She IS being over dramatic to get what she wants but it also sounds like YOU have been engaging to some subtle and not so subtle emotional undermining of your own to get her to change what you want. Overall, I would say that you both have issues that you seriously need to reflect on and discuss openly with each other in an ADULT manner, if you want your relationship to survive. Basically, you need to cooperate in finding a way to resolve conflicts that does not include undermining each other like that, which is easier said than done. Welcome to the world of adult relationships

Link to comment
I understand that was painful for you, but if all he said was "this would look good on you, that would look good on you" isn't the fact that you changed to please him really on you?

 

I'm not trying to be upsetting here, but if you say "TMifune, you'd really look good in Penguins jersey" and I start wearing Penguins jerseys even though I hate the Penguins, isn't the discomfort I experience pretty much my fault? I mean the simple statement that such and such would look good on you isn't even pressure unless you resist it and it's constantly reapplied, is it?

 

I agree with you to some level. I'm now in a healthy relationship and if my guy compliments me on what I wear or how I dress I'm beaming he can say whatever he likes because he doesn't try to control me. There is a subtle difference in how someone speaks - the tone of their voice and the which words they use to point something out. The guy I'm talking about wanted me to look sexy but not like a . No I was wearing singlets that were tight to my body and he would say it looked juvenile and that's not what adult woman would wear, teenagers perhaps but not something for me. I was in my 20's back then for f8k sake. Than he would point out a lady who wear over the knee boots, a leather mini skirt and a back fitted top and say to me: "now that's sexy, you should wear that too." But I knew that if I would wear that he would call me ty and would say I couldn't wear that outside...

I also always wore black clothes and he would say it was depressing. I was in no way a gothic girl but I just liked black clothing. But if your SO tells you how depressed he gets every time you wear it it becomes depressing and you do want to change that. No I didn't want to change myself but I wanted to feel better about myself and one way to do that if he would finally compliment me! So I started buying all kinds of colored clothing that made me feel stupid and totally faking it. But he said I looked nice and he liked it so I felt a bit better.

 

I don't think you realize how off putting it can be if the one you love is criticizing everything you do or wear. It's a subtle psychology war and it breaks you down, little bits, one by one. It didn't change me overnight, it changed me over years... I tried to wear what I like for as long as I could but if your SO keeps saying it you feel you're doing something wrong. Maybe he is right and black isn't my color? Maybe I would look happier in red, maybe I do look stupid and like a teenager in that shirt, maybe I should dress more this or that. It gets in your head...

 

My current boyfriend never ever makes comments like my ex did. He always always compliments me and says I look nice in this or that and backing it up with: 'but you would look nice even if you'll dress up in a plastic bag' With a smile to his face.

Link to comment

What totally amazes me is that people get together with somebody who is the exact opposite of what they want and then complain about it. Find somebody who suits you in the first place.

 

Yes ,it's controlling to tell people what to wear and how to wear it.

Link to comment
Um....what if they are actually doing things to get attention from other men?

 

Then you end the relationship, you don't turn abusive to fix them.

 

But if something they've always done, for themself, is suddenly an issue for you just because they're now your gf, the problem is not with them. They didn't change.

Link to comment

She is 16 years old, I don't know any secure 16 year olds. If I want to go back to think what I wore when I was 16, I cringe. It wasn't revealing but it was very 'out there'.

 

Michael, you don't have to like her extensions, makeup and all those other things. But there is no reason to tell her more than once. She knows. At that point, you are trying to convince her to stop and yes, that is controlling. This is something you either have to accept about her, or find someone who does not wear those things. For whatever reason, she likes her painted eyebrows and extensions. That's her right. Now if you can't deal with that, it's time to move on. No more nagging her about it.

Link to comment
Then you end the relationship, you don't turn abusive to fix them.

 

But if something they've always done, for themself, is suddenly an issue for you just because they're now your gf, the problem is not with them. They didn't change.

 

Exactly. OP, she's always done this. If you start dating someone and you find that they do things that you can't stand, whether it's for themselves or to be a tart, then leave.

Link to comment

Things that don't matter in a relationship: Her parents and friends love you.

 

Things that do matter in a relationship: Being a controlling jerk who constantly denigrates the way your partner looks.

 

You've voiced your opinion. She ain't buying it. Accept her for who she is or find a new girlfriend.

Link to comment

I'm sorry to say she's right. You don't accept her for her. And yes, you do need to break it off with her because you are reaming her with this persnickety nonsense about your "tastes". It's not your place to tell her how to dress or criticize her about that. Again, sorry, but get a grip.

"she couldn't take it anymore and that I don't love her for all of her"
Link to comment

You don't seem to be attracted to her. You're attracted to what you wish she looked like, but that's no good. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who would look better to us with different makeup, different hair, etc. but they want to look the way they want to look, and no matter how unattractive that is to us, we can't change it and shouldn't ask.

 

She may end up getting other guys' attention by wearing the hair extensions, eyelashes, etc. but I don't think that's why she's doing it. She just wants to look a particular way and you happen to find it unattractive. If you're not attracted to her, break up with her. Admit that your attraction to her is conditional, and only in certain situations.

Link to comment
Then you end the relationship, you don't turn abusive to fix them.

 

But if something they've always done, for themself, is suddenly an issue for you just because they're now your gf, the problem is not with them. They didn't change.

 

I'm not disagreeing though I do think people are really, really quick to throw around the word abusive here. Remember we are talking about a 17 year old here. Did you have the kind of perspective to walk away from someone you love over this kind of thing when you were 17?

Link to comment
Spare the rod, spoil the child.

 

LOL...

 

I think that this kind of behavior eventually spills into other areas of the relationship and can become a habit he carries with him to the next relationship if he's not careful. Next thing you know he won't like the places she goes, or a certain friend she hangs out with, or something she posts on Facebook. I don't gather from his initial post that he nonchalantly mentioned that he would prefer no makeup, more clothing coverage, etc, but rather, something he rags on every time he sees her made up in a way that he doesn't care for. Hence, her meltdown.

 

I think Michael should find a girl who carries herself in a way that he finds attractive rather than engage in a battle to get her to bend to his will. When I was in my early 20s I dated a guy like that. He totally picked a fight with me over the color of nail polish I wore. He thought it was too bright and felt the need to mention it every time I wore a color that he didn't like. It was annoying and this kind of thing carried into other aspects of the relationship too. Certainly not something I would have endured had I had more sense at that age. He made hurtful comments about my makeup and how I should do this, do that...well he met me that way!

 

Anyway, the point is when you decide to date someone often times what you see is what you get/who they are. Find someone more suitable to your tastes and hope they have a personality to match. If the sight of this girl in extensions and lashes makes you cringe she is not the girl for you.

Link to comment

I think the OP is sincerely asking a question, in the hope of putting his response to his girlfriend into some kind of context and finding out whether it's appropriate or not. It's interesting that he chose a girl who's the opposite of what he really wants in the first place, but he still has a right to make observations about what he does and doesn't like.

 

It's getting angry when she doesn't do as she wants which is the controlling part. I've had several partners whose idea of what they like makeup/dresswise/hairwise doesn't 100% chime with mine, but it doesn't affect me. And it's not mentioned again.

 

But when I was getting to know a guy who told me again and again to get my long hair cut short - because it would give me "STYLE" - he was out of the window pretty fast.

 

To the OP... the happiest relationships arise when you choose someone on the basis of exactly who they are, without needing to change them. Otherwise, as you have seen, it leads to a lot of conflict.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...