Women who prefer/only date younger men

I am dating a woman who is 9 years older than me. However, going after younger guys doesn't appear to be her pattern. In fact, the age difference bothered her a little going in. Although the age difference doesn't really bother me, I am aware that it is a departure from the norm. In fact, the man usually being older than the woman is actually a cultural universal across humankind. Today, when responding to a thread from a woman who is finding herself only attracted to younger men, I realized that it would kind of creep me out and bother me if my girlfriend was only interested or mostly interested in younger men. I couldn't figure out why, I just realized that it would.

So, I thought about it, and what I came to realize is that I still want to feel like the man in the relationship. I don't want to be someone's boy toy or the cub to someone's cougar. I don't want to help some woman who just wants to feel younger. That thought is getting a bit silly at my age, but it's all relative. That would be fine for a one-night thing or a fling, but not something that I'd want to build a relationship on. It may be judgmental, but I think I would see a woman who had no interest or attraction to men her own age or a little older as shallow and immature. I would also feel the same about a man who felt that way.

So, more than anything, I guess I'm just curious to read other peoples' thoughts on this. I'm in no way saying that women shouldn't date younger men or even prefer younger men, I just realize that this trait would bother me in my girlfriend. Is my thinking flawed?

I'm not a huge fan of age preference. It boils down to having certain life experiences for me, which doesn't necessarily correlate to age. While that typically lands me around my age range, I'd rather date a 20-year old who has lived on her own and is working, being financially independent than I would a 26-year old PhD graduate who hasn't so much as bagged a grocery and has been supported by ma and pa through school.

When you have people who are particularly selective about their dating demographics, there's always that increased risk of being fetishized. Whether they prefer older, younger, heavier, etc., I think there's a larger potential for it. But I feel like you should be able to read it if that's what's happening. Hard to explain, but I know I could tell when I had a woman who was dating me pretty much because my family is from Spain and she loved Spain. My current girlfriend likes my "Spanishness," but I know it's not why she likes me.

I realized that it would kind of creep me out and bother me if my girlfriend was only interested or mostly interested in younger men. I couldn't figure out why, I just realized that it would.

I think it's socail conditioning. We think things, but we can't really explain why. I think it's just the fact that it's unusual, I'm not sure why people keep using the word "creepy". My theory is because we're not used to it. As an aftermath of the now pretty much defunkt nuclear family model of decades ago, we are conditioned to go for people that "tick the boxes" rather than those that we really desire.

So, I thought about it, and what I came to realize is that I still want to feel like the man in the relationship. I don't want to be someone's boy toy or the cub to someone's cougar.

Then I challenge you to tame this cougar. What better achievement than to be "the man" with a woman who presents more of a challenge to you. Just because there's an age difference doesn't automatically make you a toy boy. You're a man, and proud of it. Show her that.

Having said that, you are after all, entitled to your own feelings on the subject, and if it doesn't feel right, then it doesn't feel right. It's not a matter of "flawed thinking" per se. However, I'm sure if you have a logical word with yourself, then there's a possibility you could train yourself out of this social conditioning. This is what happened to me after experiencing women of various ages.

Good luck.

I'm not a huge fan of age preference. It boils down to having certain life experiences for me, which doesn't necessarily correlate to age. While that typically lands me around my age range, I'd rather date a 20-year old who has lived on her own and is working, being financially independent than I would a 26-year old PhD graduate who hasn't so much as bagged a grocery and has been supported by ma and pa through school.

 

When you have people who are particularly selective about their dating demographics, there's always that increased risk of being fetishized. Whether they prefer older, younger, heavier, etc., I think there's a larger potential for it. But I feel like you should be able to read it if that's what's happening. Hard to explain, but I know I could tell when I had a woman who was dating me pretty much because my family is from Spain and she loved Spain. My current girlfriend likes my "Spanishness," but I know it's not why she likes me.

Well said, sir! You hit the nail on the head. Biological age and life experience is what matters, not chronological age.

Zaphod--It really hasn't been an issue in my relationship, at least not so far (not quite four months in.) Neither of us make a thing out of the age difference and she treats me like the man. I was just speculating as to how I would feel if she were the type to only go after younger men.

I was just speculating as to how I would feel if she were the type to only go after younger men.

There are perfectly reasonable explanations to this hypothetical situation. For example, she may lack confidence. She could have been treated badly by an older man. She could look particularly young for her age, or have a particularly youthful seeming spirit. It could be that the young guys she would be attracted to would actually be very mature for their age. Or any other number of reasons.

My advice - don't worry about that, I think it's perfectly acceptable. Some women only date black men, right? Or tall men, or muscley men.

I understand how you feel. When I was online dating at about age 33, I noticed most men around my age had a preference range of 21-32 (or 33, 34) I ALWAYS skipped those profiles. Just the fact that they'd go over 10 years younger but their cut off was their own age turned me off. Now that I'm in my 40s, I am so relieved and thankful I met someone not from a dating website. I think a lot of men my age would filter me out due me being too old even though I am their age.

Just the fact that they'd go over 10 years younger but their cut off was their own age turned me off.

Out of interest, how would you have felt if they had stated their age range as 21 - 65? Would that have invoked more trust in you? Seems like the sticking point is that the range cut off at their age, thereby being ageist towards the older women.

I'm 46. I look and feel much younger (as much as mid-30's). Men my age mostly seem... OLD!!! I met one guy through OLD who was 52 and looked 70. I look for men who look the same age I do. They tend to be younger.

I feel the same way, Krankor. Only difference is, I'm a woman, and because male older female younger is seen by so many as 'the natural way of things', I've encountered my fair bit of pressure for feeling as I do. You expressed my feelings about it very well.

I'm 46. I look and feel much younger (as much as mid-30's). Men my age mostly seem... OLD!!! I met one guy through OLD who was 52 and looked 70. I look for men who look the same age I do. They tend to be younger.

That's interesting. I think that in some ways men age better and in other ways women age better. Women also are more likely to dye their hair, moisturize, wear makeup that conceals their age somewhat, etc. But does looking younger actually give you a younger mentality? Is it just about "looking right" together? I'm not trying to judge by any means; it's just an interesting mentality.

That's interesting. I think that in some ways men age better and in other ways women age better. Women also are more likely to dye their hair, moisturize, wear makeup that conceals their age somewhat, etc. But does looking younger actually give you a younger mentality? Is it just about "looking right" together? I'm not trying to judge by any means; it's just an interesting mentality.

I'm not the type to go the extra mile to look younger. I just naturally look that way. I don't wear makeup or dye my hair (unless I get bored). I'm just not attracted to someone who looks 10+ years older than me. I feel like I'm dating my dad (who is 31 years older).

I'm not the type to go the extra mile to look younger. I just naturally look that way. I don't wear makeup or dye my hair (unless I get bored). I'm just not attracted to someone who looks 10+ years older than me. I feel like I'm dating my dad (who is 31 years older).

If you reverse the genders in that sentence, then I feel exactly the same way. And yeah I feel like I'm dating my Mum with most women my age.

Chronological age is an external constant and irrelevant. Biological age is what counts. And it runs for different people at different rates. Hence, when we say "She's not the right age for him" what we really should mean is she's not the right biological age for him, not chronological age. I think this is a fact that people are gradually accepting. We make an unfair mistake and incorrect judgement when we refer to people's comparitive chronological ages.

If you reverse the genders in that sentence, then I feel exactly the same way. And yeah I feel like I'm dating my Mum with most women my age.

Do you look as young as the women you want? Most people with an ageist outlook like the one refered to by the OP don't. It is my impression that women past certain age often get rejected by men their age for younger women NOT because they look or act older than them but REGARDLESS of how good/young they may look and act. Ageist people do that regardless of gender.

I don't want to be someone's boy toy or the cub to someone's cougar. I don't want to help some woman who just wants to feel younger. That thought is getting a bit silly at my age, but it's all relative. That would be fine for a one-night thing or a fling, but not something that I'd want to build a relationship on. It may be judgmental, but I think I would see a woman who had no interest or attraction to men her own age or a little older as shallow and immature. I would also feel the same about a man who felt that way.

Krankor, I agree with your thoughts above. Yet, the post you refer to was by a 30 something year old virgin with virtually no sexual experience. She likely has the emotional and sexual maturity of an 18 year old (or even younger), hence she is attracted to people with that level of maturity - imo it had nothing to do with seeking for boy-toys in the sense that you describe. What I think is going on with you is this: What you say bothers you, you HAVE seen it happening around you and in the media, only the genders were reversed... Yet you didn't feel so strong as to write a post about it then and I highly doubt that you would be writing about any of this now if you were the one being 9 years older in your relationship. As you wrote yourself in your post "In fact, the man usually being older than the woman is actually a cultural universal across humankind." I think that this "cultural universal", as you refer to it (interesting choice of words, isn't it?), is so ingrained within you that you feel uncomfortable finding yourself being divergent from it. Thus, I suspect that what really incited this post is your mind deflecting/projecting/whatever, leading you to try to justify these feelings in a way that will not make you feel ageist/guilty about them. Based on a couple of past posts I think I remember from you, I don't think that there is a boy-toy thing/woman just wanting to feel younger going on in your relationship so it might be more useful for you to ponder on/admit to yourself what it is that you actually fear/feel uncomfortable about. Apologies if I am totally off. At the end of the day, only you know what is going on within your head.

I have had an age preference of guys being much older than me. But at the time I still dated men my age and even one that was two years younger (which was a huge thing for me back then ). I think anyone can have their preferences and it doesn't make their choices or behavior necessarily good or bad, if I had the option to date an older guy or someone of my own age I would probably went with the older guy. If I came across someone i liked and enjoyed his company I would date him regardless his age! My preference didn't mean I would exclude everyone that wasn't in the parameters of my preference. It was a preference not more than that.

If it becomes a requirement than its something different. I would be wary too if I'm within the standards of someone's 'musts'. Like someone else mentions than it becomes a fetish. My only requirement has always been that he is a nice guy.

Not so much ageist towards older women but toward women their own age. If you go 10 years younger but not even a year older... Eeehhhh... I don't know. Or let's say a 40 year old man and his profile says interested in women 21-38. At 33, I would have passed. 21-50, Was more acceptable to me. But hey, to each his own. Some men and some women prefer younger and most are convinced its because they look soooo much younger. Mmmhhhmmm. There seems to be a disproportionate number of 40 somethings who look 29-30 on the internet. And 50 somethings who look 30. 😏

Do you look as young as the women you want? Most people with an ageist outlook like the one refered to by the OP don't. It is my impression that women past certain age often get rejected by men their age for younger women NOT because they look or act older than them but REGARDLESS of how good/young they may look and act. Ageist people do that regardless of gender.

Nah I just go for ones which look the same age, whether they're 28, 55, whatever. I don't actually care about chronological age.

Since this is not her pattern, this isn't the case. It doesn't sound like she's on some trendy cougar-trip. Do you ever feel like a trophy?

Agree that biological/mental age is more important than chronological. And life stage. People fall in love...who knows why?

I don't want to be someone's boy toy or the cub

Krankor, I agree with your thoughts above. Yet, the post you refer to was by a 30 something year old virgin with virtually no sexual experience. She likely has the emotional and sexual maturity of an 18 year old (or even younger), hence she is attracted to people with that level of maturity - imo it had nothing to do with seeking for boy-toys in the sense that you describe. What I think is going on with you is this: What you say bothers you, you HAVE seen it happening around you and in the media, only the genders were reversed... Yet you didn't feel so strong as to write a post about it then and I highly doubt that you would be writing about any of this now if you were the one being 9 years older in your relationship. As you wrote yourself in your post "In fact, the man usually being older than the woman is actually a cultural universal across humankind." I think that this "cultural universal", as you refer to it (interesting choice of words, isn't it?), is so ingrained within you that you feel uncomfortable finding yourself being divergent from it. Thus, I suspect that what really incited this post is your mind deflecting/projecting/whatever, leading you to try to justify these feelings in a way that will not make you feel ageist/guilty about them. Based on a couple of past posts I think I remember from you, I don't think that there is a boy-toy thing/woman just wanting to feel younger going on in your relationship so it might be more useful for you to ponder on/admit to yourself what it is that you actually fear/feel uncomfortable about. Apologies if I am totally off. At the end of the day, only you know what is going on within your head.

I agree about the poster from the other thread and this wasn't directed at her in any way--her post just got me to thinking about why it would bother me if my older girlfriend ONLY went for younger men. When I speak about the cultural universal, I am talking about certain traits that all human societies and cultures have in common without exception, which makes it something that is ingrained into our species evolutionarily speaking and therefore isn't cultural--is only reinforced by culture. Examples include music, body adornment, linguistic universals, marriage, and also that on average the husband is older than the wife.

I do find myself divergent from that. In all honesty, I sometimes do wish we were a little closer in age. But it's not a big deal to me in the end--at least I don't think so. And I definitely don't think it's just a woman wanting to feel younger thing with us at all. Like I said, I don't think she's like that. I was really just having trouble understanding why it would bother me if my girlfriend preferred younger men in general, which she doesn't seem to. But maybe, like you say, there is more going on here. Something to ponder...

Since this is not her pattern, this isn't the case. It doesn't sound like she's on some trendy cougar-trip. Do you ever feel like a trophy?

 

Agree that biological/mental age is more important than chronological. And life stage. People fall in love...who knows why?

No, I definitely don't feel like a trophy. There isn't really that dynamic to our relationship. And I definitely don't think she's on some cougar trip either. She actually worries that people can see she's older because she thinks I look younger than my age, and she seems uncomfortable with that.

I'm not a huge fan of age preference. It boils down to having certain life experiences for me, which doesn't necessarily correlate to age. While that typically lands me around my age range, I'd rather date a 20-year old who has lived on her own and is working, being financially independent than I would a 26-year old PhD graduate who hasn't so much as bagged a grocery and has been supported by ma and pa through school.

 

When you have people who are particularly selective about their dating demographics, there's always that increased risk of being fetishized. Whether they prefer older, younger, heavier, etc., I think there's a larger potential for it. But I feel like you should be able to read it if that's what's happening. Hard to explain, but I know I could tell when I had a woman who was dating me pretty much because my family is from Spain and she loved Spain. My current girlfriend likes my "Spanishness," but I know it's not why she likes me.

I agree to an extent. I think life experiences are more important. It's totally possible to connect with someone younger or older than you if you share similar experiences, but it's not always fool proof. My ex is 10 yrs younger than me but our life experiences are out of sync. Even though they're similar her worldview versus my worldview are completely different and we ended up not getting along at all. I'm typically attracted to younger women, more so for their physical attributes (shallow, I know), but the emotional/psychological aspects end up outweighing the physical over time.

That makes a lot of sense. She may think relative to your youthful virility, it makes her look old.

She actually worries that people can see she's older because she thinks I look younger than my age, and she seems uncomfortable with that.

I'm fine with dating an older woman. I am 27, so I'll date the ages of (22-32). Five years is not that large of an age difference and providing she doesn't bring a load of baggage into the equation, I'd give it a shot.

I agree about the poster from the other thread and this wasn't directed at her in any way--her post just got me to thinking about why it would bother me if my older girlfriend ONLY went for younger men. When I speak about the cultural universal, I am talking about certain traits that all human societies and cultures have in common without exception, which makes it something that is ingrained into our species evolutionarily speaking and therefore isn't cultural--is only reinforced by culture. Examples include music, body adornment, linguistic universals, marriage, and also that on average the husband is older than the wife.

 

I do find myself divergent from that. In all honesty, I sometimes do wish we were a little closer in age. But it's not a big deal to me in the end--at least I don't think so. And I definitely don't think it's just a woman wanting to feel younger thing with us at all. Like I said, I don't think she's like that. I was really just having trouble understanding why it would bother me if my girlfriend preferred younger men in general, which she doesn't seem to. But maybe, like you say, there is more going on here. Something to ponder...

I agree with wiseman2, biological age is more important. Psychologists maintain that by dividing your own age by two and then adding seven you can find the socially-acceptable minimum age of anyone you want to date. So if you’re a 24 year-old, you can feel free to be with anyone who is at least 19 (i.e., 12 + 7) The other side of the rule defines a maximum age boundary: Take your age, subtract 7, and double it. So for a 24-year old, the upper age limit would be 34. Krankor: Rather than overthinking about the age gap diff. reflect on the way you feel when you see her/spend time with her. Do you feel comfortable? excited? Do you have good chemistry/conexion? Let your heart and intuition be your guide, don't repress your emotions only because she is older than you.