Jump to content

My partner and I have different goals, values, and thinking, should we continue?


wsekandar

Recommended Posts

My partner and I met a couple years ago when she moved to the city I lived in. We had shared a group of friends but never really knew each other besides seeing each other at shows or festivals. She had just started a job after graduating from college and traveling around Europe. We clicked on many different levels but also had issues that we argued and fought over. As time went on we grew closer and started loving each other. Less than a year after we initially met she expressed her dissatisfaction with the career she was in and quit her job to move back home and figure out what she wanted to do. She moved back home which was a little over an hour away from where I lived. I didn’t want to do the whole long distance thing from past negative experiences but she told me that we were different and I believed her. This put a little strain on our already turbulent relationship but we pushed through. After six months she brought up the idea that she wanted to do more traveling. At first I was opposed and put our relationship on the line, so she stayed. After a couple months I realized that her staying because of me was poisoning our relationship, leading to more tension between us and ultimately her resenting me. I thought about it and the next time we saw each other I expressed my support for her to travel and do what she needed to be happy. After going back and forth about whether to stay together long distance or end things, we decided that we could make it work long distance. She went off on her travels, first to Hawaii and then to SE Asia, and I had planned to join her after finishing school. Things didn’t go as planned and I ended up not joining her on her travels. At this time she had changed her mind on long distance relationships and no longer wanted to be together if we weren’t physically in the same place. We ¬ended things and continued on with our lives. After a few months she came home from her travels and I was living near her parent’s house. We started hanging out again and hooking up without committing to each other. We believed that we had both grown in our time apart and would be able to maintain healthy relations without the stubbornness, anger, pettiness, and selfishness that we were both guilty of before. After a few months she moved up north to work on a farm trimming weed with her girlfriends that she had been traveling with. They started a cycle of trimming for 6 months of the year then traveling for the rest of the year, then repeating the cycle. We both grew and changed as time went on and her views went deeper and deeper into the lifestyle that she was in. In April, we shared some time together and we decided to try being in a committed relationship again, despite the fact that we may or may not be in the same physical place. We agreed to be unconditionally honest with each other so there were no harbored feelings or emotions that could fester and poison our relationship. We also acknowledged that we had different views and goals but that we would work on being less selfish and compromise for each other. We also discussed our stubbornness, anger issues, putting each other down, not viewing each other in the best light, and unwillingness to be happy for the other person when they accomplish something that is important to them. We acknowledged these traits and issues and agreed to work on changing and improving for our personal and joint growth. Things were good for a bit and we planned to go on our first big trip together to Canada for twenty days and attend my cousin’s wedding in Vancouver at the end of our trip. A week before our trip I woke up with pain in my right knee that sent me to the emergency room and made it difficult to walk. We decided to cancel the trip that we had been looking forward to so much. Our flight was supposed to be yesterday. My knee has been improving exponentially but she maintained that we shouldn’t go on the trip for the sake of my health and my knee. I put up a fight saying that we should go on the trip anyways and salvage what we could and we would have a great time. She disagreed and we continued with the cancellation. Now I am all better and trying hard to recover our lost trip by planning another trip for the coming months. She originally brushed off my attempts at planning another trip with her. I suggested going to Peru for the month of September, but she said that she might be back on the farm trimming by then. Now she tells me that she is planning to go to Hawaii in July with the same girls that she went to Hawaii and Asia with and also that she works trims on the farm with for six months of year. I asked if we could go on a trip to Peru or somewhere else for the month of July but she would rather go to Hawaii with her girlfriends. I don’t know why but it hurts to think that someone who says she wants to travel the world and does so with everyone else, would rather travel to a place she’s already been with people that she spends six months out of the year with on the farm trimming , than travel together with her partner for the first time to a new place that we’ve both never been to. We both continue to be stubborn, harsh, judgmental, and selfish when dealing with each other. I’ve never felt such a deep connection and love with anyone as I do with her. I can’t figure out how to make it work with each other and have a happy, healthy, supportive, fulfilling relationship.

Link to comment

This isn't a mutual/reciprocal relationship but rather one of convenience for her when she's works trimming weed which she does to support her desire to travel where you aren't going to be. No wonder you feel hurt.

 

Sorry, but your "deep connection" appears to only resonate with you. She seems to be just fine with a soft place to land while she's stuck at the farm. Even when you're together so little you can't seem to get along with one another and you're constantly reiterating to one another what you have to do to be respectful and loving.

 

I think you're addicted to her being in your life more then you're connected or love her and vice versa.

 

It won't be easy at first but I think you'd end up far better off ending it completely and not letting her back in when weed time rolls around once again. You're wasting valuable dating years you could be using to find a LIFEmate that is on the same page as you.

Link to comment

Is weed trimming her job? What's your take on that?

 

These two statements sounds contradictory 6563719]We both continue to be stubborn, harsh, judgmental, and selfish when dealing with each other. I’ve never felt such a deep connection and love with anyone as I do with her.

Link to comment
You're wasting valuable dating years you could be using to find a LIFEmate that is on the same page as you.

 

The concept of life mates can be a bit of a myth IMHO - especially with longevity increasing. I think the concept applied more when people only lived to forty and fifty, but nowadays, I think although some people are succesful in finding this, it's a bit of an unrealistic pipedream to be honest.

 

Not to say people can't enjoy long-term relationships though, for sure. But one partner for the rest of your life? Possible, but increasingly improbable.

Link to comment
The concept of life mates can be a bit of a myth IMHO - especially with longevity increasing. I think the concept applied more when people only lived to forty and fifty, but nowadays, I think although some people are succesful in finding this, it's a bit of an unrealistic pipedream to be honest.

 

Not to say people can't enjoy long-term relationships though, for sure. But one partner for the rest of your life? Possible, but increasingly improbable.

Whatever... the point was, he's just wasting time and being hurt repeatedly by her indifference to him and her insistence on her own agenda. Most people, whether a lifemate is sustainable or not, want to be happy with who they are with until they are any longer with them (whether they are no longer with them through break up or death).

Link to comment

It doesn't sound like you two are compatible and I don't know if you ever were to be honest. I'm sorry I would be hurt to be brushed aside like she did with the Hawaii trip in July. I think more of the interest is laying on your side of things. I would move on and take time for yourself to heal and then look for someone who meets your needs.

 

Lisa

Link to comment

I don't think she is open to traveling with you. She wants to be a free spirit and do as she pleases. Otherwise, you would have still gone to your cousin's wedding and just not made Canada a 20 day trip. You would have gone the day before or a few days before the wedding and stayed a few days after and enjoyed the city you were in to get a taste for it and then go on a bigger trip later.

 

BTW, who has time or money to travel a month at a time or to jet around the world like she does or you propose to do? I don't think I have gone anywhere for more than a week unless I relocated.

 

She sounds young - you guys both are - and its the time of your life to explore who you are as people. I would let her go - let her weed plants and find herself and in the meantime take time to heal from the relationship. There is a better match out there for you.

Link to comment
I am so old I don't even know what trimming weed is.... Probably not good. Something tells me she is in the single party chick life style and you should resume your life but sans her.

 

You're not that old. It's marijuana.

 

Get with it Victoria

Link to comment
You're not that old. It's marijuana.

 

Get with it Victoria

 

I know it's marijuana . I just didn't know people called it trimming weed as far as harvesting weed. Hopefully her parents didn't pay for that college education . Lord knows if I did and she was out harvesting weed I'd be asking for every single friggin cent back . She wouldn't be travelling anywhere .

Link to comment
I know it's marijuana . I just didn't know people called it trimming weed as far as harvesting weed. Hopefully her parents didn't pay for that college education . Lord knows if I did and she was out harvesting weed I'd be asking for every single friggin cent back . She wouldn't be travelling anywhere .

 

I agree. What a complete waste of one's life and education.

Link to comment
You're not that old. It's marijuana.

 

Get with it Victoria

 

Dang, I'm old too, then. I know a young lady who is a free spirit and she and her friends decided to travel like migrant workers and work on various farms out west. In fact, she and her new husband travel around doing that. I think she took a botany class, but mainly she and her fiance are now living like a caravan of hippies, no offense to hippies. They aren't into marijuana, but sort of just go here and there as the wind blows. They do it for awhile, get bored and then go do something else and go back to it. Thats what I thought the girlfriend was doing.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...