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Who Am I and What do I Want?


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Hi everyone, and thanks for reading this.

 

At the moment I feel like I am having some sort of identity crisis, whilst not knowing what I want for myself and my future.

 

I am late 20's, due to be married next year, live with my partner, who I love very very much and I am generally very happy with our relationship. We are like best friends as well as engaged, I can be myself around him, be silly, be messy, act out of order and have told him my deepest, innermost secrets, and he loves me despite all of my flaws, and visa versa.

When I was single I used to wish I could find someone like him, and when I met him I was totally blown away and he met all of my wants and needs, and more! We have been together 3 and a half years. I have had several (many!) relationships in the past and I know that he is right for me, and me for him. Since meeting him I have built a career for myself and have achieved lots of things I would not have done without him, I have made my family proud and we have a wonderfully bright future together, our families love each other, and everything is - on paper - perfect.

 

HOWEVER...

 

I often find myself day dreaming about being single. When I was younger I was a bit "off the rails" - I drank a lot, took drugs, was promiscuous, never stuck at anything long enough to make it work, I even escorted for a few years on and off. I was the same person I am now deep down - I had the same personality, same sense of humour, same likes and dislikes, but I was careless, wild and free. I know that had I not met my partner, I would not have a career, I would not own my own home, I would unlikely be marriage material or find someone to settle down with. Since meeting my partner I have a life to be proud of, prospects, a good, happy, fulfilling future. But why do I fantasise about running away then?

 

I spend hours looking at one bedroomed flats, imagining having my own place, getting drunk and taking random guys home with me, I imagine escorting again, the thrill of making so much money and living by my own rules without having to answer to anyone.

 

In my heart I know that life is miserable and that I would end up feeling lonely, alone, stressed and at a dead end but at the same time I feel like the life I have now is almost so "perfect" that it is mundane and predictable.

 

The only person I would ever want to marry or have kids with is my partner. I don't imagine being with anyone else long term, so why am I feeling like this and how do I shift these feelings?! I dont want to be alone, I know that because when I was I dreamt about meeting someone genuine, caring, honest and wonderful. Now I have that and I am still not content! Why is the grass always greener, and how do I learn to appreciate what I already have?

 

I hate feeling like this, I should be excited about planning my wedding day, but instead I just want to throw all my responsibilities out of the window and act recklessly.

 

Please help x

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It's ok to have a wild past and then settle down, I think we all kind of smile to ourselves sometimes about those bygone days. As long as it's just reminiscing and not a real plan to go back to that. A lot of people get cold feet or reflect on things when engaged.

I often find myself day dreaming about being single.
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It sounds to me as though you are not naturally monogamous, it's not in your nature and due to social conditioning you are trying to be monogamous, but I suspect you are fighting against your very nature which is not one of monogamy and now you are conflicted. I think you need to have a long hard think about whether or not you should marry this man, I don't think you should because I can see a car crash happening at some point, but that's just my opinion, so take it with a large pinch of salt.

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Thanks BrianH46 and Wiseman2. I think before my partner, a big part of 'who I was' was my lifestyle and since I have settled down I feel like a part of me is missing. I know it's silly to feel this way because what I have now is so much more valuable, healthy and good for me, but I do pine for the days when I could go out with whoever I wanted, do whatever I want and stay out till whenever I want. Although I am so happy with this person, I do have times I feel trapped and confined.

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Hi Itchy, and thanks for your response. I think we are always taught from a young age that we - meet someone, fall in love, get married and have kids. Disney/family films are always about meeting the "one" and living happily ever after. But I suspect you're right - I do have urges to be with other people sexually and it is affecting my outlook. I know that my partner would not want an open relationship and it would kill him to even hear me say that I would. I also know I don't want to lose him. I guess my decision now comes down to what is more important - keeping my relationship and fighting my urges, or giving in to my urges and walking away from my relationship.

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Whatever you do you are going to hurt him. By staying with him you won't be true to yourself and the relationship and in result it will suffer. By leaving him it will break his heart. To be honest do the latter because even though it breaks his heart you are just too wild to tame. It's not fair to him if you are half hearted.

 

Lisa

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I would seek counseling, honestly. What you experience (being an escort, getting a high off of it and the money) is different than the normal realm of not feeling ready. Where I live, its even criminal. I think you have some personal work to do. I would suggest beginning counseling and then possibly moving out or postponing a wedding. You need to sort out whether its jitters or whether you truly feel that you would be fulfilled turning tricks with random men (and if you do, then to me that's a big life issue). Not wanting to marry/not being ready is one thing but desiring a shady lifestyle is another.

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I agree with Abit. There is a difference between not being monogamous and engaging in somewhat dangerous (for your health) behaviors and thrill seeking.

 

I think a therapist can help you dig through your past and help you figure out the best path forward.

 

I don't imagine this relationship surviving since your fiance would not be cool with an open relationship. And cheating is douchey.

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Hi Itchy, and thanks for your response. I think we are always taught from a young age that we - meet someone, fall in love, get married and have kids. Disney/family films are always about meeting the "one" and living happily ever after. But I suspect you're right - I do have urges to be with other people sexually and it is affecting my outlook. I know that my partner would not want an open relationship and it would kill him to even hear me say that I would. I also know I don't want to lose him. I guess my decision now comes down to what is more important - keeping my relationship and fighting my urges, or giving in to my urges and walking away from my relationship.

 

Society also teaches people that it's perfectly acceptable to run around having sex with a plethora of people before "settling down" and the problem with this message from society is that it's contradictory. It's promoting polygamy for the youth and monogamous for the elder people of society and automatically assumes people can flip their entire perspective on polygamy/monogamy like a light switch. People like yourself are then pressurised into believing you need to be monogamous when it perhaps goes against your very nature and then there is this internal struggle between living up and upholding societal ideals and fighting against the urge to do what you've always and I think it's recipe for disaster.

 

Someone suggested therapy and sure that might work but only if you feel you need it and can benefit from it, so that may be something you're open to, otherwise you are wasting your time. Maybe there is an underlying issue or set of issues that can be resolved or maybe you're just not a monogamous person. That's for you to answer, but I hope you figure it all out and I wish you all the best for the future.

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I tend to disagree with this view for the simple fact that sexuality is dynamic not static. We have different levels of sexuality at different times and situations throughout our lives. And that is biological science...not what society teaches, which is nonsense for the most part.

Society also teaches people that it's perfectly acceptable to run around having sex with a plethora of people before "settling down" and the problem with this message from society is that it's contradictory.
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I tend to disagree with this view for the simple fact that sexuality is dynamic not static. We have different levels of sexuality at different times and situations throughout our lives. And that is biological science...not what society teaches, which is nonsense for the most part.

 

Is it fluid though? For some people, yes, it probably is but for a lot of people it seems awfully static. The OP is a testament to that and I am also a testament to the static position you mention. I am deeply monogamous. I'm as monogamous as a Gibbon, I always have been and I always will be. I have never ever had the argue to have any form of casual sex. I wouldn't dream of getting naked in front of a woman that I have no deep feeling for.

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