I guess people can't change..

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. In November, we broke up and I moved out of the home we built together because we were destroying one another. He was severely depressed and I was codependent on him. The relationship was often one-sided; I gave too much, received too little and vice versa. I always felt that the two of us were never on the same page and one of us was always chasing the other around.

We're different in the way we want attention. I want affection--kisses, hugs, cuddles and sweet words. He wants me to be aggressive sexually (I don't need sex as often as he does) as well as be aggressive in general. I've always been a soft person, I love with my heart on my sleeve and if my feelings are hurt, then I will cry. He hates that I cry because he feels like I'm just trying to make him feel bad which is most definitely not the case.

In January, he began texting and calling me again. Saying he had made a mistake for saying he wasn't in love with me or that he didn't love me because none of it was true. He just needed to work on himself, he repeated, and that he finally found himself again and that all he was missing was me. The sweet, loving and beautiful man that had won my heart four years ago was back and it broke my heart even more because I couldn't bring myself to say okay, let's try again. I couldn't. I was scared.

I won't skip an important piece either--while we weren't together, another guy stepped into the picture. Nothing incredibly serious, just someone who listened and was understanding. We had a lot of common interests and it felt nice that I didn't have to force someone to do the things that I liked to do because he enjoyed it too. It did escalate to a kiss but when it crossed that line, I realized that my feelings for this guy were platonic and would never be anything more than that. I communicated with him throughout the time we spoke that I wasn't looking for a relationship because I need to heal and he would always reply with, "okay, but don't count me out!" Which was always a red flag to me because he just wouldn't listen to me and was too focused on convincing me to be with him. Which never was going to happen, unless we were friends.

In February, I began to listen to my ex more. I listened to his words. I realized my feelings and one night, decided to go to dinner with him. We had great conversation, he was so happy and I had missed that light that he brought to me. I remember us breaking down in the parking lot right after because we wanted nothing else but to be together but I was afraid. He had hurt me. He constantly had brought me down; said I wasn't what he was looking for, that he was relieved to be rid of me, that he didn't need a prude like me, that I was useless to him, and that our relationship had not consisted of any context.

Those words sat with me for those four months. They still sit with me. I decided to push my fears to the side and take a risk. We started exclusively dating again mid-February. Everything was wonderful. He was sweet and loving. He stared at me with all the love in the world and I could feel he was who I fell in love with. This lasted a couple of weeks before we had our first fight. We're still fighting the same way we had six months ago. He was saying things like, "well I have to filter myself around you because if I'm too honest, or say what I'm thinking, you start crying and it makes me realize I just can't talk to you. Sometimes, I get tired of having to act around you and letting things roll off my back when they frustrate me. I'm just tired."

Lately, I've been working to open a new cafe. My hours were all over the place and unfortunately didn't have a set schedule. Sometimes I'd work at 5 in the morning, other days at 11. This has always been a problem. I need to sleep, I don't function well without it. Sometimes, we will only see each other a few hours before I would have to go to bed. And even then, I'd push myself to the furthest limit to stay awake so I can spend time with him. But by doing that, I'd go to work a 12 hour shift on three or four hours of sleep and then would come home exhausted and in need of a nap. He would always say that I'd rather nap than spend time with him. Which is far from the truth--I usually plan my daily tasks and things like that around his work schedule but sometimes, I have to spend an extra hour or two out and about trying to get my errands done and then come home and make dinner and hang out. But that's not enough. Now he says he doesn't even care if we spend time together because I don't care.

Now I feel like we're back where we ended. I am realizing that we're the same people we were in November and nothing's changed. I want so much for us to change because he really is the love of my life. The only thing is he doesn't see it and I am at a complete loss on how to show him. But at the same time, I'm torn on showing him anyways because he doesn't do the same for me. Instead he just repeats that he had to chase me to get me back, as if I made him do that and it was such a hassle. Maybe he loves th idea of me but not the fact that I am a sensitive person and just the opposite of him.

I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like I was lied to in February because I still find us arguing the same way--running around in circles and placing blame on one another. He says he will never let me go because he had already gone through not having me and seeing me talking to another person and he never wants to go through that again. Yet he's acting around me? It's all fake to me and it breaks me apart.

What are we doing wrong?

People naively return to relationships thinking that missing each other is enough to make a difference.

We assume the other person now hears us and what we've been asking for all along without the benefit of confirming it.

But with some forensic discussion on what exactly went wrong and what plans you both agree on to go forward in the future that might circumvent the issues previously, you are only bound to repeat the same exact dynamic again.

Nothing changed. You are both still different people. You have different needs. That hasn't changed.

You two didn't sit down and address these obvious differences and come up with a plan of action to address them differently.

Missing each other is never enough.

I want so much for us to change because he really is the love of my life

Or was it just wishful thinking?

"Maybe he loves the idea of me but not the fact that I am a sensitive person and just the opposite of him."

I think you hit the nail on the head with this. It sounds like you two just aren't compatible and what's worse is he's making you feel bad about being exactly who you are. I've been there after trying again with someone, and it usually always goes back to how it was when you broke up the first time. It doesn't sound like he made a real effort to change who he was and how he treated you, he only changed enough to win you back. I think you need to get out now before he does any more emotional damage to you.

I'm starting to think it was wishful thinking.. But I don't want to just give up on us because I know he's capable of loving. I just have my doubts because he's showing me the same person he was. Maybe he was 100% himself then but I refused to believe it. And I still do.

We did sit down and try to clarify our needs and wants and we were working on them but I feel like he's just too impatient to see the efforts on my end. I feel like he feels like he's already done all the work to get me but won't put the same amount of effort to keep it going. And I don't know how to show him that.

I've been there after trying again with someone, and it usually always goes back to how it was when you broke up the first time. It doesn't sound like he made a real effort to change who he was and how he treated you, he only changed enough to win you back. I think you need to get out now before he does any more emotional damage to you.

I guess I was just hoping that by how he praised me and said he loves me, I thought he was finally accepting me for who I am.. But now all he says when we're fighting is that I was running around with this other guy, that he guesses I'm just that easy now, and that I hurt him.. But I can't justify it when we weren't together and I didn't know that I had to consider my ex boyfriend when I'm single. I'm just broken.. I didn't give myself time to heal..

He sounds a little mean to me and using things against you to break you down.

He constantly had brought me down; said I wasn't what he was looking for, that he was relieved to be rid of me, that he didn't need a prude like me, that I was useless to him, and that our relationship had not consisted of any context.

I'm sorry but he sounds emotionally abusive. Also, he is totally pulling a switch on you - he wanted you back and now you are a problem. NO, he is still the same angry, nasty, unchanged guy and you are still the nice, but weak person who is trying to please a jerk.

Blaming you for being exhausted after a 12 hour shift is beyond absurd and selfish. In short, he is mind f@cking you. Please don't fall for that and just leave him already. So what that he loves you in his own way if he also uses you as his personal punching bag?

He sounds a little mean to me and using things against you to break you down.

That's the thing.. Whenever we fight, he always hits me below the belt. He doesn't ever fight fair which makes it harder for me to want to communicate with him because I'm afraid of where the conversation will go or what mean thing he'll come up with next. /:

You may want to focus on your new business. You've been there done that with him over and over. He's a drain. Sorry, this won't get better by continuing to take his crap and give him chances.

he just repeats that he had to chase me to get me back, as if I made him do that and it was such a hassle.

That's the thing.. Whenever we fight, he always hits me below the belt. He doesn't ever fight fair which makes it harder for me to want to communicate with him because I'm afraid of where the conversation will go or what mean thing he'll come up with next. /

 

So there go. He romanced you back with sweet talk just to break you down again.

Just so you know, when you show someone your vulnerabilities, it's considered abusive when they use those very vulnerabilities against you.

He didn't deliver what he promised yet you are scrambling trying to show him how you have changed.

It think it's time to call this one.

Btw, just so you know, abusive people will do ANYTHING to get you back if you find the guts to walk away and I mean anything. Cry, beg, plead, promise you the world and more and if that doesn't work, threaten, scare, guilt trip, manipulate not only you but those around you. They may try to enlist the help of even your family and friends, because some of them can be quite brilliant at producing the nice guy facade to the wold at large while they torment you in private. Does this mean they care about you as a person? No, they only care about themselves and more specifically about losing their punching and the difficulty of finding another one. You see, most people don't keep turning the other cheek, they walk away faster. At the end of the day, his goal is not a healthy happy relationship with you, but the personal deep sick satisfaction he gets from tearing you down. It's a mindset that you will never understand, let alone fix. You keep going through this cycle with him over and over again - at what point do you say that's enough? You know the definition of insanity....doing the same thing over and over expecting........It's high time for you to find the courage and the strength to move on, because you do deserve a happy, healthy, caring relationship and you can't keep hoping for a pig to turn into a swan. Go seek your swan.

Btw, just so you know, abusive people will do ANYTHING to get you back if you find the guts to walk away and I mean anything. Cry, beg, plead, promise you the world and more and if that doesn't work, threaten, scare, guilt trip, manipulate not only you but those around you. They may try to enlist the help of even your family and friends, because some of them can be quite brilliant at producing the nice guy facade to the wold at large while they torment you in private. Does this mean they care about you as a person? No, they only care about themselves and more specifically about losing their punching and the difficulty of finding another one. You see, most people don't keep turning the other cheek, they walk away faster. At the end of the day, his goal is not a healthy happy relationship with you, but the personal deep sick satisfaction he gets from tearing you down. It's a mindset that you will never understand, let alone fix. You keep going through this cycle with him over and over again - at what point do you say that's enough? You know the definition of insanity....doing the same thing over and over expecting........It's high time for you to find the courage and the strength to move on, because you do deserve a happy, healthy, caring relationship and you can't keep hoping for a pig to turn into a swan. Go seek your swan.

I ditto that! I once was in the same situation. Promising the world just to get me back and absolutely nothing changed over and over for 6 years long!