Relationships in your 30s, and do you REALLY need closure?

It's been YEARS since i posted on here, but I will do my best to keep this short.

Was dating a woman I thought was THE ONE for about 7 months (She was 32). Totally fell in love with her. Felt the first 6 months were pretty great. The final month of our relationship went from her questioning where we were going, to me telling her I loved her, to her telling me she loved me back, to her needing to take a week long hiatus on the relationship, to her breaking up with me. It was insanely bizarre. It's possible she just assumed the worst, and thought I wasn't invested in the relationship, or maybe I waited too long to tell her I loved her, or maybe I just have intimacy issues, or maybe she met someone else, who knows. Regardless, she eventually told me she was no longer capable of being in the relationship.

As much as all this sucks.....it is what it is. I know I will move on. But what I still think about (It's only been a month since she ended it) is what the hell happened?! I was so frozen, numb, and in shock when she broke it off, I didn't even say much. I went to her house, collected my things, we said our goodbyes, and I left. I didn't know what to say or feel or even think. My brain didn't work. I don't even think I knew what the hell was happening or could even feel what was wrong till weeks later.

Fast Forward to today, and I find myself periodically obsessing over what went wrong. How it went from "so great" to "so bad", so fast. I've only contacted her once in the last month, and the text exchange was pretty bad (Months ago, I bought her a plane ticket home to Colorado, for her to visit my hometown, and just wanted to get reimbursed for the flight because I couldn't transfer it to my name --- but that went south, really quick).

Anyways, is there any point in contacting her to get answers? To get closure? Or should I just let this one go? Part of me feels at 35, who cares. It didnt work. You're out 500 bucks. She doesn't love ya, move on. The other part of me wants answers. Why so hot to so cold, so fast? How did we go from talking about our future to breaking up in a split second? Why even say I love you, if you don't mean it, etc? Does any of this really matter? Breakups happen, I get it. But I can't help but think maybe I will learn something about myself if I just ask her what went wrong. Not that any answer she gives me is going to immediately make me feel better, but at least maybe I can walk away with some better understanding from this experience without feeling totally confused.

Or maybe this is just how breakups work, and I should seek closure by moving on with my life. This is more me just venting than anything else. Thanks for the read.

-Marco

I think that if you were to honestly reflect on the whole relationship, what she told you and what your gut is saying i.e. what you already know, you may be able to come up with your part in what happened on your own. But this usually requires time and distance from what happened so as to be able to have emotional clarity. I don't think it would help going back for answers at this point. It would probably set back your healing. It might also be that this had more to do with her past than with you e.g. you may have been a rebound. She would never admit to such a reason. In any case, IMO closure always comes from within.

It's been YEARS since i posted on here, but I will do my best to keep this short.

 

Was dating a woman I thought was THE ONE for about 7 months (She was 32). Totally fell in love with her. Felt the first 6 months were pretty great. The final month of our relationship went from her questioning where we were going, to me telling her I loved her, to her telling me she loved me back, to her needing to take a week long hiatus on the relationship, to her breaking up with me. It was insanely bizarre. It's possible she just assumed the worst, and thought I wasn't invested in the relationship, or maybe I waited too long to tell her I loved her, or maybe I just have intimacy issues, or maybe she met someone else, who knows. Regardless, she eventually told me she was no longer capable of being in the relationship.

 

As much as all this sucks.....it is what it is. I know I will move on. But what I still think about (It's only been a month since she ended it) is what the hell happened?! I was so frozen, numb, and in shock when she broke it off, I didn't even say much. I went to her house, collected my things, we said our goodbyes, and I left. I didn't know what to say or feel or even think. My brain didn't work. I don't even think I knew what the hell was happening or could even feel what was wrong till weeks later.

 

Fast Forward to today, and I find myself periodically obsessing over what went wrong. How it went from "so great" to "so bad", so fast. I've only contacted her once in the last month, and the text exchange was pretty bad (Months ago, I bought her a plane ticket home to Colorado, for her to visit my hometown, and just wanted to get reimbursed for the flight because I couldn't transfer it to my name --- but that went south, really quick).

 

Anyways, is there any point in contacting her to get answers? To get closure? Or should I just let this one go? Part of me feels at 35, who cares. It didnt work. You're out 500 bucks. She doesn't love ya, move on. The other part of me wants answers. Why so hot to so cold, so fast? How did we go from talking about our future to breaking up in a split second? Why even say I love you, if you don't mean it, etc? Does any of this really matter? Breakups happen, I get it. But I can't help but think maybe I will learn something about myself if I just ask her what went wrong. Not that any answer she gives me is going to immediately make me feel better, but at least maybe I can walk away with some better understanding from this experience without feeling totally confused.

 

Or maybe this is just how breakups work, and I should seek closure by moving on with my life. This is more me just venting than anything else. Thanks for the read.

 

-Marco

I can totally relate to your feelings here.

I am also 35, although I was 34 last year when my ex switched over night (literally). Texted that she loved me, then the next day cancelled my planned visit, then a few days later totally disappeared! This was after a 3 year relationship! So yeah, my head was in a spin, and there was no meeting up afterwards - been absolute no contact ever since then.

In the first 1-3 months, I was at the stage you are at now. Just wanted answers! My brain was constantly active, trying to figure it all out, none of it made sense, how could she switch so suddenly, be so cold and callous, etc etc.

Lots of reflection and time passed before I eventually got clarity, from myself. She was 8 years younger than me, we had different plans for the future, family, marriage, and she presumably panicked when I messaged her asking to chat, and disappeared altogether. She fled when confronted with the consequences of her decision, unwilling to explain.

I am pretty much over it now although the sudden nature of the ending made it more difficult to get over, and probably a lengthier process because your brain is desperately trying to work out what went wrong, and it is information overload in those first few weeks/months!

There were plenty of signs that she was distancing herself from me, but I missed them or didn't think they were significant, and maybe those will emerge for you further down the line after a bit more time, once your emotions have settled down.

I will never know what prompted my ex's sudden disappearance - did she meet someone else? Did she envisage a future in another country whereas I wanted to stay in Japan? Did she get upset because I commented on a girl's facebook page the day she switched? Did she just want to be herself? etc etc - all questions that rattled around my head for quite a long time.

Now, I am the stage of indifference, pretty much.

I suggest you work through this on your own, just as I did, as contacting her will not provide the answers you crave. She may not even have the answers herself, which will just frustrate you even more. It is very tough, but dumpers don't want to be challenged on their decision, and will either get angry, try to blame you, or as in my case, disappear entirely.

Life is not fair, and you will just have to work on putting this behind you, but yeah, you have my sympathies!

Anyways, is there any point in contacting her to get answers?

I don't think so.

I do understand the desire for answers, but very often the only answer is "Shxt Happens." Details won't help us to "understand" or to "improve" because not everything is about us; there wasn't really anything we could do.

I think closure does help you to move on, but sometimes it's just not possible to get that closure and you really do have to force yourself to move on. An email friend of mine stopped emailing me last September and I felt quite hurt by that because I did consider her a friend although we were separated by 5000 miles of distance and never met in person (just spoke on Skype a few times) but these things happen and you just have accept it, remember the good times and move on with your life. It's easier said than done but ultimately it has to be done.

It sounds like a sizzle and fizzle situation of infatuation that wore off. You are having endorphin withdrawal. There probably are no answers because when the love googles came off there stood two people who didn't even know each other, no less were remotely compatible.

It was insanely bizarre. How it went from "so great" to "so bad", so fast.

It sounds like a sizzle and fizzle situation of infatuation that wore off. You are having endorphin withdrawal. There probably are no answers because when the love googles came off there stood two people who didn't even know each other, no less were remotely compatible.

It's interesting. I've been thinking about that a ton these days. Wondering if it was HER i fell inlove with, or the idea of her. It wasn't perfect, by any means, but I felt I was crazy about her. We talked in depth about wanting to escape the rat race, move to the country, get a dog, etc. So it was a little off putting to go from "Hey, let's get a dog and move to a small mountain town" to "I can't do this anymore". The sex was also amazing. We were super nuts about each other sexually. But in the end, sex can't be everything. And I can definitely see we had some intimacy issues. We seldom got deep in conversations, etc. C'est la vie. I guess i sorta already have my answers.

Yep, that can make 'moving to the country and getting a dog' seem like an amazing idea at the time.

We were super nuts about each other sexually.

Yep, that can make 'moving to the country and getting a dog' seem like an amazing idea at the time.

It may have been the textbook example of the "crash & burn relationship". We got out the gate fast. Spent a ton of time with each other. Was at her place all the time (since it was so close to my office) Went on some trips. Excursions, etc. But wow, did it fizzle fast. Like someone said above, happens.

As a girl who broke up most of my relationships like this - from 'I love you' to the next minute 'I leave you' and left one or two guys completely confused and alone. All I can say that I did loved those guys, they were great and madly in love with me as well at the moment. But somewhere in the back of my mind there was this voice that just said: you're not compatible and you'll never be compatible. The sex will get boring, your conversation subjects will run out. Sometimes you just realize that it's better to end it sooner than let a relationship be dragged to the mud. Once you're too deep into it, it's harder to quit it too. It may not be pretty at the moment you got dumped but I do believe that in the long run you're glad it ended sooner rather than later.

Not being compatible with each other isn't such a bad thing. Neither of you did something wrong, just one of you realized it sooner than the other one that the relationship was doomed. All of the guys I broke up with, none of them did something wrong. And yes, love was still there. But sometimes love isn't enough.

I had an ex once tell me when he was breaking up with me, that "closure comes from yourself". At the time I couldn't wrap my head around it because I had so many questions that I kept asking him and had to know why. But after going through my fair share of breakups and driving myself crazy over analyzing, I realize he is right. Ultimately I still do the same routine post break up, but I guess I just know that in time, I will heal and have my closure.

No amount of wondering and answers will give me the closure better than time and putting the past behind you. You're never going to know her motivation and mindset, she probably won't either. The heart is a fickle thing. So for whatever unfortunate reason, she changed her mind. It sucks. A lot. But rest assured in time, you will stop wondering and move on. Sometimes you just learn to live with the answers you never got.

As a girl who broke up most of my relationships like this - from 'I love you' to the next minute 'I leave you' and left one or two guys completely confused and alone. All I can say that I did loved those guys, they were great and madly in love with me as well at the moment. But somewhere in the back of my mind there was this voice that just said: you're not compatible and you'll never be compatible. The sex will get boring, your conversation subjects will run out. Sometimes you just realize that it's better to end it sooner than let a relationship be dragged to the mud. Once you're too deep into it, it's harder to quit it too. It may not be pretty at the moment you got dumped but I do believe that in the long run you're glad it ended sooner rather than later.

 

Not being compatible with each other isn't such a bad thing. Neither of you did something wrong, just one of you realized it sooner than the other one that the relationship was doomed. All of the guys I broke up with, none of them did something wrong. And yes, love was still there. But sometimes love isn't enough.

Curious. Did you tell your ex-boyfriends this when you ended it? Or was it as simple as saying "Hey, just not feeling it, sorry." I guess my thought was perhaps there was something I was doing wrong that I could correct in the future so it doesn't affect other relationships down the road. Would you (or any woman) react openly and positively about an ex wanting some answers. Although, again, it appears that most people on here (including me) feel that closure comes from within. So maybe it's best I just leave things be. I already find myself feeling better about the whole ordeal simply by typing it on a random message board.

Usually its best not to know what's going on. Just file it under 'not compatible' and leave it be. I once made the big mistake asking why a guy broke up with me and he said he found certain aspect of my character unpleasant. He didn't mention which aspects but it was a stab in my heart. Do you really want to know this?! And why would you change yourself for someone that doesn't even love you? Other women would maybe Love it if you burp affront of the television or love your way too loud laughter or your bad jokes and your lack of self control in certain situations. You can't change just because some girl is saying she would like you to do like some romantic ideal she has in her own mind. Be real. Be yourself. And find peace in your heart.

It never ceases to amaze me that this place is still as helpful as it was when I first discovered it nearly 10 years ago. Thanks for the responses. I think it is just human nature to want to explain things. Why something didn't work, what went wrong, what could have been done differently, etc. Looking from within, I think me and my ex both had a problem being completely open and honest with each other. Almost like emotional dishonesty. I don't think either one of us ever gave the 100% true authentic version of ourselves. I know towards the end, I felt I was walking on eggshells, trying to be perfect all the time. She definitely picked up on it. I picked up on it. Etc. I think I was just in shock of how it went so good to so bad, so quickly. But it is what it is. And there's no going back in time. It takes two to tango. I just need to work on not blaming myself all the time. thanks!

Personally I think in your case nothing went wrong. She just wasn't feeling it anymore. Even if you did everything right and perfect this would still go down. As the above posters said, chances are this was all about compatibility. Even knowing this doesn't make it hurt less, I know where you are at. Just let everything sink in and ride the rollercoaster untill you arrive to your destination.