I'm receiving the "Silent Treatment" - Now what?

I've been dating a guy now for almost 4 months. It's been going really well. We have a blast together! Last Friday morning I sent him a picture of my girlfriends and I out the night before with the lead singer of a very popular band that night picking me up in the air and goofing around with him. I have been friends with the singer for 20 years and found the pictures funny. I' m not sure why I sent the pictures to my boyfriend. I guess I thought they were funny. Well he was furious with me. Told me he found my behavior unacceptable and was really upset. That the singer had his hand on my butt. He didn't speak to me until Monday after I had called and sent many messages apologizing profusely. Monday he finally sent a text that he needed time to think and digest what I did. It was a very thoughtful text so I wrote back and appologized again and told him I loved him and wanted to meet and work things out. Well he has not responded since. He has given me the full on "Silent Treatment". He had given me the silent treatment a few months ago after another issue came up and that lasted about 3 days. I can't stand being treated in this manner. We are both 47 year old for goodness sake!

Do some men just handle problems this way? Is he trying to break up with me and just looking for a reason? Should I end it all? UGH! What should I do?

He has a childish way of dealing with conflict and it doesn't look like it will change.

This type of treatment is very draining emotionally and never does the relationship any good. This is like a child holding their breath until they get their way. Do you want to date a child?

I don't see what you did as disrespectful since it was an old friend and nothing inappropriate happened but he sounds like he wants to set rules for you and if you don't follow them he throws a tantrum.

If you decide to give him another chance you need to sit down with him and have the boundary talk. If your idea of relationship boundaries don't line up with his and there is no compromise you need to dump him.

Sit back and let him come to you. If he doesn't I think it is a big favor to you. He sounds like an insecure baby that is jealous.

Lost

I've been dating a guy now for almost 4 months. It's been going really well. We have a blast together! Last Friday morning I sent him a picture of my girlfriends and I out the night before with the lead singer of a very popular band that night picking me up in the air and goofing around with him. I have been friends with the singer for 20 years and found the pictures funny. I' m not sure why I sent the pictures to my boyfriend. I guess I thought they were funny. Well he was furious with me. Told me he found my behavior unacceptable and was really upset. He didn't speak to me until Monday after I had called and sent many messages apologizing profusely. Monday he finally sent a text that he needed time to think and digest what I did. It was a very thoughtful text so I wrote back and appologized again and told him I loved him and wanted to meet and work things out. Well he has not responded since. He has given me the full on "Silent Treatment". He had given me the silent treatment a few months ago after another issue came up and that lasted about 3 days. I can't stand being treated in this manner. We are both 47 year old for goodness sake!

 

Do some men just handle problems this way? Is he trying to break up with me and just looking for a reason? Should I end it all? UGH! What should I do?

This is a red flag for sure. Honestly, if he's getting upset over you taking a picture with a friend? Then it's pretty simple that he has trust issues and is afraid that you're getting with other guys (flirting, playing around, whatever it may be). Any person can be this way, not just men. But, if you really want this to work, you can assure him that it was just a friend. You need to let him know that hissy fits and jealousy like this gets in the middle of you two. On the other hand, if you don't want to deal with something like this, move on.

I personally can't stand people who deal with issues in this way; either he's been looking for an excuse to end the relationship and has fastened on this, or he's playing games and punishing you. Neither of these is a healthy, honest way of dealing with conflict.

As he's doing the silent treatment, you need do nothing. Just carry on as you did before you met, and assume that it's over. Four months isn't very long; it's still in the period where you're finding out whether you've got a relationship or not, and someone who deals with things in this passive-aggressive way is not a keeper. If he really can't cope with it, he ought to tell you.

Lost said it best. A late 40s sulking over something so trivial? You deserve better than that. His turn to make his move, he doesn't have an obligation to apologize for the childish behaviour but this is more something I expect from a teenager than a grown up man.

At 4 months in this kind of possessiveness is a warning sign. Plus the silent treatment is manipulative and punitive. What else has he done that's controlling? What was the other issue he tried to control with this "punishment"?

You did nothing wrong at all! Stop apologizing to him.

he was furious with me. He has given me the full on "Silent Treatment". He had given me the silent treatment a few months ago after another issue

"The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally.

Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain.

The best predictor of divorce isn’t whether a couple fights – arguments are inevitable – but how a couple fights. The key to being closer in the good times lies in the way a couple treats each other during the bad."

"Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’"

From:

You ask, OP:

"What should I do?"

I believe the answer is clear. You know what you have to do.

So setting aside for a moment his reason for being angry.......what's a guy supposed to do when he's angry?

He's not allowed to give himself some space because that's "abusive". He can't raise his voice because that's "abusive". He can't let off steam by hitting inanimate objects because that's "abusive". Maybe he could go for a jog, but then he's not available by phone or text for 30-40 minutes. God forbid.

I mean, what is he supposed to sit down with her and have a lengthy conversation about why he's angry? Maybe once he calms down. What good does it do either person or the relationship to force dialog while emotions are still high?

Maybe his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend cheated on him with a "friend" she'd known for 15 years. I mean that's still his issue to deal with, but a little bit of sympathy goes a long freaking way toward understanding and communication.

I'm grasping at straws here, but was there anything in those photos that would lead someone to think there was bad behavior on your part? What do you mean, "goofing around with him?" I'm guessing that if you sent the photos to him, you certainly didn't think so; just want us to have the full picture. It sounds like he's overreacting, controlling, possessive and manipulative, but before I cast that sweeping judgment would appreciate a little more detail.

Three days' "silent treatment" is pathological. The silent treatment is not about the silence, it is about the fact that the treatment is (in the eyes of the purveyor) a form of punishment....

"The silent treatment is an abusive method of control, punishment, avoidance, or disempowerment (sometimes these four types overlap, sometimes not) that is a favorite tactic of narcissists, and especially those who have a hard time with impulse control, that is, those with more infantile tendencies.

The silent treatment can be used as an abusive tactic that is the adult narcissist’s version of a child’s “holding my breath until you give in and give me what I want.”

It is one of the most frustrating tactics and can provoke even the most patient person. Depending on the method used, it can make the person on the receiving end feel powerless, invisible, intimidated, insignificant, “dissed”, looked down on, disapproved of, guilty, frustrated, and even angry."

From:

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In all honesty, I agree with TMifune! Everyone has their own way to let off their anger. I myself have trust issues and im in my 20s.. and i would find that picture offensive also. I would also deal with it in a similar manner as he is right now. I understand that he is older but that doesnt mean that he should come to you and "discuss" about why he's angry. That sounds idiotic. He has probably been through some bs in his past and has major trust issues. What you should do is just assure him that he was just a friend and that you wont let "guy friends" touch your ass the way he was in that picture. Im sure if you do this, everything will be fine. Let me add, if you arent willing to do this and if you want to continue allowing other guys to play around with you whether it be in a friendly manner or not, this guy you're dating might not be the right guy for you. Spare him the stress and trouble and go find yourself someone who is more comfortable with these little things (the pic) that other people take so lightly on this forum.

I'm grasping at straws here, but was there anything in those photos that would lead someone to think there was bad behavior on your part? What do you mean, "goofing around with him?" I'm guessing that if you sent the photos to him, you certainly didn't think so; just want us to have the full picture. It sounds like he's overreacting, controlling, possessive and manipulative, but before I cast that sweeping judgment would appreciate a little more detail.

The singer had me in his arms and up in the air. It was a very sexy picture and I had a very sexy dress on. I weigh 100 lbs so men pick me up a lot. The singer had his hands under me with his hand on the back of my butt and my back to be able to lift me. I sent the picture to my boyfriend saying had a fun night last night with my friends. I was joking around. I apologized and told him I had known the singer for 20 years and sent more pics to him with my friends goofing around. It was a major error on my part to send those pics. But, I really just found the pictures amuzing and I liked my body in the pics as I looked sexy. I honestly thought my bf would consentrate on me in the picture and not the singer. I was stupid to send it. I told my bf I would never do this again. That it was unacceptable bahavior on my part. That I was so sorry and just wanted to talk and try and work it out or at least end our relationship on a good note. But, I received nothing but silence.

I personally need a time out when Im upset but I do return in a responible amount of time to talk. But if someone does that routinely it's very likely a passive aggressive form of punishment.

It's threatening to abandon someone or the relationship if they don't get their way.

I dated someone like that last year. I warned him if he did it again (ok and again) I would have no choice but to hold him to it and not let him return.

I ultimately stuck to it.

Three days' "silent treatment" is pathological. The silent treatment is not about the silence, it is about the fact that the treatment is (in the eyes of the purveyor) a form of punishment....

I told a girl in class once how something was spelled and she flipped out on me. Guess I'm an easy "non-threatening" target. I backed down and apologized and she kept at it. I clammed up for the rest of the class. That wasn't about punishment. She made it unsafe for me to continue talking by continuing on the attack as I tried to disengage. Why should I try to reengage when she treated me unfairly?

Does not wanting to put up with someone else's abusive behavior make me somehow abusive myself?

You see, his reaction is why next time you go out and have fun, you just won't send a photo or be open or transparent or sharing about your evening.

He's being jealous and pouting and sort of a jerk, sorry. Go no contact until he gets a grip.

Next time send him a pic of you in a burqa knitting with group of old women.

Wiseman. My smile of the day.

Or next time send him a pic of you in a burqa knitting with group of old women."

Mind you I am still getting visuals of the guy - on another thread - ironing his clothes naked in front of the panoramic windows of his apartment. .........

Wiseman I'm smiling as well! I rather have someone I'm dating be real and honest than hide such things. But, I learned a very good lesson here. What others don't know won't hurt them.

I don't understand these posts suggesting that not talking about what upsets you and instead shutting down, is somehow ok

It's not. Ever. I get being pissed and wanting to take a time-out. Anger is a consumptive emotion. I prefer to take a time out when I'm pissed. But I put on my big-girl pants and use my words to explain it. I say, "i'm pissed right now because (insert reason) but I need some time to process how I feel, we can talk about it later." it's simple. Anything less is childish IMO. And what OP's BF did was flat-out passive aggressive.

Personally, I would be re-thinking this relationship due to his behaviour. That being said...i think OP's behaviour was perhaps I bit out of line too. When your in a relationship, I think you have to respect the boundaries. I could see how your BF might find your actions disrespectful to the relationship. The guy in the photo was an old friend but you're not just hugging...he's touching you in an intimate way, In a way usually reserved for a romantic partner...

If your cool with have old friends grab-azzing you and see nothing wrong with that, then you should prob have a chat with your partner first to see what their boundaries are with regard to that so that feelings don't get hurt

The singer had me in his arms and up in the air. It was a very sexy picture and I had a very sexy dress on. I weigh 100 lbs so men pick me up a lot. The singer had his hands under me with his hand on the back of my butt and my back to be able to lift me. I sent the picture to my boyfriend saying had a fun night last night with my friends. I was joking around. I apologized and told him I had known the singer for 20 years and sent more pics to him with my friends goofing around. It was a major error on my part to send those pics. But, I really just found the pictures amuzing and I liked my body in the pics as I looked sexy. I honestly thought my bf would consentrate on me in the picture and not the singer. I was stupid to send it. I told my bf I would never do this again. That it was unacceptable bahavior on my part. That I was so sorry and just wanted to talk and try and work it out or at least end our relationship on a good note. But, I received nothing but silence.

His style of conflict resolution would not work for me, I need to communicate after a conflict and hash it out fast, not take days.

But that being said, he told you he's not happy with this, he DID tell you what's wrong. Then you said he wrote a thoughtful response to you and said that he need some time to think, so I wouldn't say he didn't communicate?? Or is giving the "silent treatment"?

So if you don't respect his need for time after he clearly stated so, and continue to keep contacting him, I don't think it's fair to call the lack of a response "silent treatment"?

I get the sense that he has serious doubts about the relationship and need to think it over. I would say perhaps he thinks your behaviour is a red flag and he's trying to decide if he should keep dating you or not.

At the same time, you said "men pick you up a lot"? Why do you let them? I think it's time to rethink the appropriateness of your actions too at late 40s. Your idea of fun seems in line with that of a late teens. I weigh 110 as well, never ever had a man (long time friend or not) who's not my boyfriend pick me up, nor would I allow it. It's got nothing to do with weight.

I felt comfortable enough to send the picture to my bf as I thought he would find it funny as so many people try and pick me up as I am light. I really had no idea it would have upset him so much as I would have never taken or sent the picture. I told my bf it would never happen again. That a I was in the wrong and apologized profusely. That I loved him, adored him and wanted to work this out. But, I only received silence. People make mistakes.

Yeah I get that, people screw up and you did the right thing by apologizing and reaffirming your feelings toward him. That's why his reaction, in light of all that, is nuts

You're just repeating yourself. As said, perhaps he's rethinking whether you are compatible and should continue dating.

If my boyfriend send me a photo of him picking girls up and that's his idea of fun or funny, I'd rethink if we're right for each other too (probably wouldn't react the same way he did).

I mean, what is he supposed to sit down with her and have a lengthy conversation about why he's angry? Maybe once he calms down. What good does it do either person or the relationship to force dialog while emotions are still high?

Yes, you can express anger openly without losing your rag or hitting anyone or anything. Seen it myself. This guy doesn't seem to be experiencing high emotions at all... more like a cold, punitive withdrawal.

As someone who hates confrontation -- and who doesn't tolerate screaming, yelling, or name-calling -- I can totally understand wanting to take a little time to cool off, mainly so that screaming, yelling, name-calling, saying things you'll regret later, etc., don't happen. That said, going for DAYS without talking to someone, in my opinion, goes beyond needing to cool down; for me, it's punitive, and if done frequently, it IS a form of emotional abuse. It's one thing to need a few hours to gather one's thoughts or to back away from a heated situation, but...not talking to someone for days, weeks, etc. on end is NOT a communication style -- it's a punishment, and it's used to invalidate another person.

I say this as someone who had two college roommates who routinely engaged in this behavior. I would come home, walk in the door, and they would literally act as if I weren't there, to the point where they wouldn't even respond if I spoke to them, wouldn't even LOOK at me. Worse, I never DID figure out what I did wrong -- they wouldn't tell me -- and one of them in particular seemed bent on ignoring me forever. They started speaking to me again once I was getting ready to move out -- probably because my mom came to help me move and they didn't want her to think they were nuts (which they were), and I never said goodbye to them -- just left them a note with my key saying "Keep the deposit," and left for good. Funny thing, once I moved they tried keeping in contact with me, and the one who really seemed to hate me was even trying to friend me on Facebook, e-mailing me, etc., nearly 15 years later! My point is, this kind of chronic silent treatment is NOT normal -- not indicative of a healthy person. (Incidentally, for what it's worth, I had many roommates after them, and I never had any major issues with any of them).

My current boyfriend's ex wife barely spoke to him for the last year of their marriage. When he tried to ask her what was wrong, she told him he was "needy," and pretty much never spoke to him again unless absolutely necessary (i.e. about the kids). Again, NOT a healthy person, NOT a healthy relationship "communication" strategy (I put that in quotes because, obviously, completely ignoring someone isn't communication, by any means.)

Anyway...my suggestion to the OP: You've done all you can. You've apologized. You've told him you love him. You've given him the opportunity to talk. Give him a little more time, and if you don't hear from him in a few days, sadly, I'm guessing you may have to accept that your relationship is over.