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Physical abuse versus emotional abuse


Jlee

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My partner lied and cheated on me over and over again during our 3 years relationship. There were many times he disappear for weeks after an arguement. The longest was 7 months when he left me and our 2 weeks old baby. I was left all alone to care for myself and our newborn after a C-section. He came back and promise he wont cheat and lie again but did it again. Last week I wasnt able to control my anger when I found out he cheated again and hit him. He is now mad at me for hitting him and disappear again and this time he blocked me on whatapps and all other contacts. I just dont understand why most people will said that no matter what he did I should not have hit him even when I suffered the trauma, anxiety and hurt. I am trying very hard to cope with my young child despite the psychologicaly and emotional abuse that he inflicted on me for years which left me with a deep scar forever. Life is so unfair. He can call the cops on me for hitting him but I cant call cops for the mental and emotional abuse.....

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Jlee:

 

Truly, you need to extricate yourself from this highly abusive and dysfunctional relationship. You surely cannot continue like this. You have put up with this dreadful treatment for three years.

 

"The most insidious aspect of living with an angry or abusive partner is not the obvious—nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism or other demeaning behavior. It's the adaptations you make to try to prevent those episodes. You walk on eggshells to keep the peace, or a semblance of connection.

 

Women can be especially vulnerable to the negative effects of walking on eggshells due to their greater tendency to be vulnerable to anxiety. Many may engage in constant self-editing and self-criticism to keep from "pushing his buttons." Emotionally abused women may second-guess themselves so much that they feel as though they have lost themselves in a hole. Emotionally abused men tend to isolate more and more, losing themselves in work or hobbies—anything but family interactions."

 

"When it comes to more severe forms of destructiveness, purely emotional abuse is usually more psychologically harmful than physical abuse. There are a couple of reasons for this: Even in the most violent families, incidents tend to be cyclical. Early in the abuse cycle, a violent outburst may be followed by a "honeymoon period" of remorse, attention, affection, and generosity—but not genuine compassion. (The honeymoon stage eventually ends, as the victim begins to say, “Never mind the flowers, just stop hitting me!”) Emotional abuse, on the other hand, tends to happen every day—the effects are more harmful because they’re more frequent.

 

The other factor that makes emotional abuse so devastating is the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves. When someone hits you, it’s easy to see that he or she is the problem. But when the abuse is subtle—saying or implying that you’re ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you—you are more likely to think it’s your problem."

 

 

 

 

OP you need to seek help and soon. It is destructive for a child to be living in this environment. He is driving you to become someone you are not. That is how abusers operate.

 

Why is it necessary for you to tolerate this abuse?

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Is he going back and forth between you and his wife? It sounds like these fights get too violent. Absolutely you must stay cool no matter what, or he can turn around and you'll get arrested. You should get help from domestic violence people who can guide you to get resources and be independent and get away from him.

He is now mad at me for hitting him and disappear again He can call the cops on me for hitting him but I cant call cops for the mental and emotional abuse.....
Is this the same guy?
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Unfortunately the only language this clown is likely to understand, is an order to pay child support. Obviously he's a lost cause, yet your child shouldn't have to suffer because of that.

 

As "Wiseman" said there are resources out there that can help you. Please look into this...

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Bill Burr does a pretty funny and I think pertinent commentary on the line "there is no reason to hit a woman" where he throws out a huge list of things that might beckon a non-life threatening smack or two, granted the "reasons" he gave were pretty universal between the sexes. In fairness, he also disclaims that you should never hit a woman.

 

It's pretty much the way I think of things. Plenty of people do things deserving of a pop to the face. But there's a difference between what someone might deserve and what you should do. Guy cheated on you? Ditched you immediately after childbirth? People have certainly caught a fist for much less. While I think you were both wrong in your respective deeds, I certainly wouldn't weigh your physical hit any worse than the emotional hits he delivered on you, but you need to sit down-- preferably with a professional-- and do some reflecting on why you'd allow yourself so much exposure to a man who inspires you to violence.

 

You need to cut this guy out of your day-to-day life and take legal measures for matters relating to your child and any support and visitation.

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My partner lied and cheated on me over and over again during our 3 years relationship.
Jlee, can I ask you why you stayed with him past the second bout of cheating? What was your reasoning? Something other then "because you love him." Can you articulate why you remained in this union when you can't use the reason "because you love him?"
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This is true and while it's not fair, the fact is our laws are very black and white. Physical violence not okay, emotional violence is too intangible for most to do anything about it.

 

The larger issue in all of this that you need to look at is why you keep letting this guy, who you know is what he is, come back. For that you need therapy, not because of him, but because you need to learn how to have enough respect and love for yourself that you will stop letting a toxic person into your life.

 

Violence is not the answer, what you did is not justified no matter how much he cheats. Blocking and deleting him, going to court to get child support and visitation worked out, getting some sort of therapy or even just self-help books and talking to someone, learning to put your own life together and stand on your own two feet for you and your child's sake?

 

That way lies sanity and happiness.

 

Take this as a wake-up call. It is going more and more off the rails by the second you stay with this guy or let him into your life at all. You need to take this as the opportunity to block him out of your life, to stop letting him manipulate you and to realize being a doormat is not serving you in any way at all.

 

He can be a father without having to be with you. You can have a happy life and your child too, without him in it.

 

And no, hitting someone except and only in self-defense just is not excusable no matter what. I've been furious plenty of times at people, even yes the guy who cheated on me several times, but still I've only ever raised my hand when my life was threatened or my kids. Anything else, nope, no matter how badly I've wanted to punch or slap someone (and I have, sorry I'm human) I never did, because it solves nothing and it puts both of you at risk needlessly of injury or death.

 

Please take this time to block him, to go get some help, to look into resources for yourself if you feel overwhelmed. Your child deserves a happy life, so do you, hitting this guy then complaining about how unfair it is is not the way to get that. So don't walk down that path, get help, and get him gone.

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I stayed because I wanted our baby to have a family and the financial support for our home, car and daily expenses. Looking back, it seem like he was also using money as a form of abuse too by controlling me. I m guessing the money will stop. And yes I did love this man very much but sometimes loves just aint enough. I admit I was probably clouded by love and hope that he did love me and our baby and that he will change....

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I stayed because I wanted our baby to have a family and the financial support for our home, car and daily expenses. Looking back, it seem like he was also using money as a form of abuse too by controlling me. I m guessing the money will stop. And yes I did love this man very much but sometimes loves just aint enough. I admit I was probably clouded by love and hope that he did love me and our baby and that he will change....
Well, you know now that he'll never change.

Instead of fearing the unknown so you stay with an abuser, get yourself to a lawyer and find out what your options are so that he pays regular child support payments. I'm pretty sure a lawyer will help you to get hooked up with the appropriate social services to help you to find affordable housing and to get therapy to help you to undo the damage he has caused to your self-respect, and self-worth.

 

It is abusive to bring your baby up in the environment he/she is now being brought up in. A depressed and brow beaten mother isn't a positive role model.

 

Fix this by first going to a lawyer for guidance and then getting a referral to help you with how all of this has left you.

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