Ex apologizes? Response?

Hello, a guy I had liked and we had sorta started talking but he completely ghosted on me after a month with some bs excuse about personal stuff. Anyway almost a year later, he sends me a long email last night apologizing for ghosting and that he had some personal stuff that happened that he just put behind him. And wished me well. It's been almost a year.

Does he just feel guilty? What do I even respond to that? And no, I don't really feel like forgiving him because he was a real jerk, but I guess I should? How would you respond to that?

Hello, a guy I had liked and we had sorta started talking but he completely ghosted on me after a month with some bs excuse about personal stuff. Anyway almost a year later, he sends me a long email last night apologizing for ghosting and that he had some personal stuff that happened that he just put behind him. And wished me well. It's been almost a year.

 

Does he just feel guilty? What do I even respond to that? And no, I don't really feel like forgiving him because he was a real jerk, but I guess I should? How would you respond to that?

Ignore.

He clearly met someone else, that hasn't worked out, and now he regrets getting rid of one of his (better) options....you.

Don't give him the satisfaction of a reply.

He is treating you like the second choice. He might have been interested at one time, but went on to find someone else...it probably didn't go so well, so now returns to you.

I would not even bother. You only knew him for a month and like you said, he was a jerk to you. Don't bother. It won't feel so good if you do respond and he treats you the same way eventually. You don't need someone like that in your life.

Why SHOULD you forgive him?

First of all, this man is not an ex. He was a guy you "liked and you started talking." How in the world is that a relationship? It's painful, fine, to be ghosted when you really like someone but this does not sound like it was an earth-shattering connection you two had.

My guess is he ghosted you to go be with someone else (I believe most people ghost for this reason, because it is an awkward conversation to have, and that early on in just talking to someone you don't actually owe them a heavy break up or explanation in my opinion), the relationship broke up recently and he's trying to get back out there, remembers how into him you were, and is hoping for some no-strings fun with you. Or for some attention.

Doesn't matter what his reasons are - you're already giving him more attention and energy than he deserves by worrying about how to respond. Don't respond, even to say you forgive him, to thank him, or whatever other response you could give. This really is not worth your time.

See I thought that too that it didn't work out with someone else so he came back, but no where in his message does he ask me back or try to start convo. The most he says is "it took a few months to sort what was going on and put it behind me" so I just thought it seemed like he felt guilty and is apologizing. how are you all so sure he is coming back? I didn't get that feeling.

You're misunderstanding our points...

I think what we are all trying to tell you is that he isn't interested in you, he's just reaching out for his own ego/ need to satisfy some ego drive within himself or, at best, needing to clear his conscience by apologizing.

Either way, whatever feeling you're getting from it, you really shouldn't engage or respond or even take a second to try to analyze it. It's a waste of your time and gives him way too much power/ purpose in your life.

See I thought that too that it didn't work out with someone else so he came back, but no where in his message does he ask me back or try to start convo. The most he says is "it took a few months to sort what was going on and put it behind me" so I just thought it seemed like he felt guilty and is apologizing. how are you all so sure he is coming back? I didn't get that feeling.

He is doing the 'ground work' i.e. laying the foundations for a pursuit.

According to your post, it was talking and after about a month he stopped communicating, which I am guessing is ghosting. This upset you because you liked him and he didn't explain at the time, why he decided to withdraw from you. Did you actually have a relationship at all with him? as I am trying understand why you are still this upset, after a year.

He disappeared for another girl. That didn't work out. He is now feeling sorry for himself and wanting his ego stroked and anything else you are willing to stroke. His message to you was not just to you, a copy and paste with a few tweaks to all girls he was in contact with before his recent girl.

Of course he is coming back to you, for that ego stroke and any benefits he might get from that should you reply.

Reply if you are happy to be that inbetween girl to get his confidence back to get out dating again. Use him for sexy if you want to, that's his intentions only. He will happily oblige and do or say anything so you do.

Yes he is back. But not for a relationship. He is not interested in you for that.

None of us KNOWS he disappeared for someone else. It, frankly, does not matter why he disappeared. The bottom line is he wasn't interested and rejected you. It doesn't sound as if you were even really together or seeing each other, based on your post, so in general I think we are all trying to urge you to just let this rest and not communicate with the D-bag.

Best response is complete silence.

I too think he ghosted because he met someone else he liked more than you, but of course there is no way to know for sure, nor does it matter. Fact is, he chose to ghost which is a low blow and the coward's way out, and left you wondering and sad. Why would you forgive this? Let him live with the consequences of his actions.

Of course he didn't just come out and asked for you back, his message was only meant to test the waters first, to see how/if you would respond, if you're still single, if you're still willing...he didn't want to risk rejection because as we already established, he's a coward.

Don't bother. You weren't his first choice, and even if the reason for his ghosting wasn't another woman (which I doubt), a good guy who liked you and respected you would have sat you down and explained that he was unable to continue getting to know you at that time. Don't feed his ego, and don't be *that* girl who gives chance after chance despite being treated like something disposable.

You guys are so right, he is a coward and I too think he probably met someone else. Whether he did or didn't, I don't know.

We weren't really a relationship, he saw me through some mutual friends, pursued me down to ask me out. We dated a few times, he started fading out but kept it going, because we had plans. When we met up, he pushed for intimacy(that's probably why he kept it going I think), I said no. And he ghosted basically saying he had some personal stuff going on. That was almost a year ago. I'm not upset anymore I'm over it, I think it just annoys me how he treated me and how his stupid text woke me up last night haha.

He is a coward and a jerk, no doubt. I won't be that girl and I won't let him back in my life, he's not interested in me long term. But I most likely will send him something short saying don't worry about it and ignore after that. Only because I hate ignoring people and I have also done mean things to guys and genuinely felt bad and apologized. And I appreciated them more for being gracious enough to be kind about it. Thanks guys for giving me so much perspective and insight!

It sounds like he's just looking for hook ups and went elsewhere for a while for that. You don't have to polite to someone who's only looking for that.

When we met up, he pushed for intimacy(that's probably why he kept it going I think), I said no.

And I appreciated them more for being gracious enough to be kind about it.

Why do you need to be "appreciated" by him? Even a polite reply will be stroking his ego, and he will be thinking "she hasn't ignored me...there's a chance here!"

When we met up, he pushed for intimacy(that's probably why he kept it going I think), I said no. And he ghosted basically saying he had some personal stuff going on.

This is your answer right here. He wanted to get laid, you said no, someone else said yes, end of story. Now he's trying his chances again, because what does he have to lose? Worst case scenario, you don't bite and that's that, no big deal.

Yeah, with someone like that I really wouldn't worry about responding, you may not like ignoring but why give him the satisfaction of even knowing you still remember him? Trolls like him are a dime a dozen, just ignore and block.

Wow, these responses are mean. Ignore, he is trying to come back, he met someone else, he is a coward..

Is anyone here familiar with Step 9 of the 12 Step program? Make amends to those that I have harmed..

This guy could very well be in an AA program and this is step 9. All he is doing is apologizing to someone he has harmed or wronged and the responses here just wow..

OP, choose the way you want to respond or not respond. Just remember the next time you hurt someone and you apologize how would you like the response to be.

No1- that's exactly how I feel. Though I doubt he has noble intentions. Maybe he does feel a bit guilty and maybe he is a bit bored, but either way I plan on responding kindly and leaving it at that. I always try to live by the fact that someone's bad actions shouldn't change my actions. Forgiveness is always an option for me if someone is asking. But I don't plan on letting him back in my life.

No1, yes very familiar. But what most of us are getting at is that she doesn't owe him a response at all. And just because someone is in AA attempting to make amends, doesn't mean that every person they reach out to is then obligated to forgive them with open arms. Especially not someone they 'talked to' for a few months and then blown off.

If she were a lifelong friend of his or an ex GIRLFRIEND, who had actually been in a commitment with him for awhile (and even then, my response would be the same), maybe some responses would be different. Still, all any of us is saying is she doesn't owe him anything - and she DOESN'T. He chose to behave the way he did. She is in no way obligated to pat him on the back for finally apologizing and acknowledging he was a jerk.

And, by the way, none of US is obligated to give any opinons other than the ones we have. OP can choose however she wants to respond, and that means she can listen to any advice on this board. Just because you have a different opinion does not make it better than the rest.

Wow, these responses are mean. Ignore, he is trying to come back, he met someone else, he is a coward..

Is anyone here familiar with Step 9 of the 12 Step program? Make amends to those that I have harmed..

This guy could very well be in an AA program and this is step 9. All he is doing is apologizing to someone he has harmed or wronged and the responses here just wow..

OP, choose the way you want to respond or not respond. Just remember the next time you hurt someone and you apologize how would you like the response to be.

Yes, I am... and the next part of Step 9 is 'except when to do so would injure them or others'; if he's genuinely doing this for himself - which is the purpose of 12 Step programs - then he will accept it if she doesn't respond. The OP owes him nothing.

I get you.. I totally understand where you are coming from. The OP doesnt have to respond at all. I was just making a point that there could of been another reason behind the apology instead of the ones the first reason that jumps into peoples mind. Getting back together is not always the reason for communicating with an X.

After a year the reason for the ghosting and the disappearing doesnt matter. Who cares.. its in the past and thats what it will stay. There is no chance for this guy to come back so why send the apology? The OP said the guy was messed up. He could of been on drugs, drinking or whatever. So now he might be making amends for his behavior. Its a step that he must do and doesnt mean he wants back into her life.

Just because this is a relationship forum, doesnt mean the motive behind every X is getting back into a relationship. If this was a recovery forum do you think the responses would be different or the same? I digress

We are each entitled to our opinion and to each their own. I just found the responses harsh and I think Im a pretty harsh guy on here. Just giving the OP another way to view the apology.

Wow, these responses are mean. Ignore, he is trying to come back, he met someone else, he is a coward..

We're all entitled to our own opinions, and by the same token, we have the option of agreeing to disagree with the opinions of others.

No1- that's exactly how I feel. Though I doubt he has noble intentions. Maybe he does feel a bit guilty and maybe he is a bit bored, but either way I plan on responding kindly and leaving it at that. I always try to live by the fact that someone's bad actions shouldn't change my actions. Forgiveness is always an option for me if someone is asking. But I don't plan on letting him back in my life.

Thats great to hear. If he is messed up and he is apologizing then maybe forgiveness could help him and it cost you nothing but a few min of your time to say thank you.

You shouldnt let this guy back into your life because you did fine before you met him and doing fine now so you dont need him in your life.

The reasons why he ghosted you or was mean to you doesnt matter anymore. Hey at least you got an apology.. many people on here dont.

We're all entitled to our own opinions, and by the same token, we have the option of agreeing to disagree with the opinions of others.

Absolutely... Where did I say that we were not entitled to our own opinions? I believe I said nothing of the sort.

I get you.. I totally understand where you are coming from. The OP doesnt have to respond at all. I was just making a point that there could of been another reason behind the apology instead of the ones the first reason that jumps into peoples mind. Getting back together is not always the reason for communicating with an X.

After a year the reason for the ghosting and the disappearing doesnt matter. Who cares.. its in the past and thats what it will stay. There is no chance for this guy to come back so why send the apology? The OP said the guy was messed up. He could of been on drugs, drinking or whatever. So now he might be making amends for his behavior. Its a step that he must do and doesnt mean he wants back into her life.

Just because this is a relationship forum, doesnt mean the motive behind every X is getting back into a relationship. If this was a recovery forum do you think the responses would be different or the same? I digress

We are each entitled to our opinion and to each their own. I just found the responses harsh and I think Im a pretty harsh guy on here. Just giving the OP another way to view the apology.

You are over-generalizing all of our remarks. As was already stated a couple of times: None of us knows his intentions. That includes you; this is all pure speculation and advice from our own stand points. Also, I would say reading all of the remarks here that everyone has the OP's best interest at heart and is trying to be clear in our own ways. I'm sure she can stand up for herself if she feels otherwise, but she also seems open to opinions/suggestions/advice and perspective from us all.

Also, fwiw, OP I think your feeling that you want to just respond kindly then shut down all communication from there sounds wise, if that is what feels best to you. I think most of us are just trying to say we believe you owe the guy nothing and should not feel in any way bad for however you choose to respond or not respond. Do what feels best.