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Has anyone ever had conflict between their head and gut feeling/spirituality??


ssc

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Has anyone ever had conflict between what their gut feeling/spirituality is telling them and what their brain is telling them?

 

OK, so my ex and I broke up in January and I started to become more spiritual. All the signs were there both in my prayers and in my gut feeling that he would come back... and he did. We decided to work on the relationship as friends first but then he told me he couldn't be with me two weeks later as another guy had kissed me on my cheek and it brought back memories of his ex cheating on him/he thought I cheated on him- which i didn't!

 

He is being totally irrational and I do understand that. He also suffers from depression and I do understand that irrationality is a symptom. He has made me feel like s*** for something I have not done and has heard me cry several times and has not bothered to sort it out. He blanked my last message when we were talking 2 weeks ago and didn't contact me until last night.

 

He sent me a text saying "Hope you are ok. Thinking about you".

 

I have two questions:

 

1. Why would he say he's thinking about me (which implies he wants to possibly get back with me) when HE ditched me. When we broke up the first time he always used to send messages exactly like the one he sent last night (and at that point he was trying to worm his way back into my life again so he could amend things- so i'm assuming hes trying to do the same?)- what do you guys think?

 

2. My brain is saying this is not right, the way he's treating me is no excuse for his mental illness. I've stood by his side through thick and thin and let him push me away when he wants to and come back when he wants to all because I care for him. BUT, my gut feeling is saying "persevere, he's right for you". This is the first time I have gotten into a relationship and had positive gut feelings about my other half. I've prayed over it every single day and I feel as though God is bringing him back into my life for a reason. He is a wonderful person and I know he will make me happy, but my brain and gut feeling are in total conflict?

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Your gut feelings seem to be more about being a martyr and doormat and your brain is being honest with you, that he is not the right one for you and walking all over you.

I've stood by his side through thick and thin and let him push me away when he wants to and come back when he wants to all because I care for him.
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"He has made me feel like s*** for something I have not done and has heard me cry several times and has not bothered to sort it out."

 

"He is a wonderful person and I know he will make me happy"

 

These statements directly contradict one another.

 

Oh yeah, he's "depressed". My friend used that excuse to explain why she kept forgiving her husband for having multiple affairs.

 

Doesn't matter why he does what he does.

 

What kind of help is he getting for this depression?

 

And God doesn't "send" us people. We meet them, and what we do from there is our choice.

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"He has made me feel like s*** for something I have not done and has heard me cry several times and has not bothered to sort it out."

 

"He is a wonderful person and I know he will make me happy"

 

These statements directly contradict one another.

 

Oh yeah, he's "depressed". My friend used that excuse to explain why she kept forgiving her husband for having multiple affairs.

 

Doesn't matter why he does what he does.

 

What kind of help is he getting for this depression?

 

And God doesn't "send" us people. We meet them, and what we do from there is our choice.

 

 

He was seeing a psychologist but their sessions came to an end and that's about it. Other than that he keeps himself busy. I really want him to be referred again to see a psychologist for another set of sessions as he said it helped him and he obviously has a lot going on in his head that he needs to sort out... but I don't feel like it's my place to get involved and support him after how he's treated me

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have you considered that perhaps "god sends" us certain people to test whether, for once, we'd decide we don't have to be martyrs to be good, or to leave them to his judgement, or to decide that the lifeforce and love which he gifted us with is worth too much to be poured down the drain?

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to hoover you back in, you know that by now.

 

would yu rather this be a miraculous sign? what would the sign signify? that with enough of your martyrdom he would be healed and change and pronto you'd have a great boyfriend?

 

not trying to be snide, just trying to get the debate to the crux, which is- do you want more of the same, do you want the situation to change miraculously, or do you want to seize the chance to choose to channel your life force more constructively- or do you believe saving him through self-sacrifice is truly the most conbstructive thing you can do?

 

it's as if you believe whether you end up happy together or not is a matter of a higher force, like it's predetermined. or that it's your destiny to be miserable with him. you have choices, that is a fact. are you afraid of making wrong ones? is that it?

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to hoover you back in, you know that by now.

 

would yu rather this be a miraculous sign? what would the sign signify? that with enough of your martyrdom he would be healed and change and pronto you'd have a great boyfriend?

 

not trying to be snide, just trying to get the debate to the crux, which is- do you want more of the same, do you want the situation to change miraculously, or do you want to seize the chance to choose to channel your life force more constructively- or do you believe saving him through self-sacrifice is truly the most conbstructive thing you can do?

 

it's as if you believe whether you end up happy together or not is a matter of a higher force, like it's predetermined. or that it's your destiny to be miserable with him. you have choices, that is a fact. are you afraid of making wrong ones? is that it?

 

I haven't been there for him in order to "save" him so he can be a better person/boyfriend to me- I just care about him and really want the best for him so I try and help. I had no idea that he has intentions of getting back with me (although i did have a feeling he would regret it), but even so, I didn't expect him to get back with me, I just wanted him to be happy and healthy.

 

I'm not feeling this way because I think this is my destiny whether it ends up being good or bad. I'm feeling like this because I know he is good for me (if we just forget about the past couple of weeks)- we've had a good relationship and he has treated me extremely well. I understand that relationships have their ups and downs and that's all the more reason why I want to stick by him. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing OK without him so in that way my feelings aren't influenced by me being dependent on him as such if that makes sense?.

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the spiritual "signs" OP...what were the signs supposed to be telling you? that he "was the one for you"? wasn't that what you said initially? in fact, you prayed for him to be brought back into your life and the "signs" confirmed that he would be brought back to you because he is meant for you?

 

had positive gut feelings about my other half. I've prayed over it every single day and I feel as though God is bringing him back into my life for a reason.
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the spiritual "signs" OP...what were the signs supposed to be telling you? that he "was the one for you"? wasn't that what you said initially? in fact, you prayed for him to be brought back into your life and the "signs" confirmed that he would be brought back to you because he is meant for you?

 

I just feel like hes good for me and that's why I should stick by him. I feel like I would be loosing someone that gave me so much to remember and I genuinely felt good about.

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Please re-read OP.

 

He has made me feel like s*** for something I have not done and has heard me cry several times and has not bothered to sort it out. He blanked my last message when we were talking 2 weeks ago and didn't contact me until last night.

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at some point he gave you good things to remember. he is unable to offer that now. you gave him good things to remember. you caan't keep doing that forever, seeing as his condition is absolutely out of your control and you need someone who is healthy enough to reciprocate with the same.

 

is it scary, the thought that the good stuff is no more? what does it make you think? there are your answers- does it make you think "if only had tried harder"- implying you need to exhaust yourself to help someone, does it make you think you'll never find someone who can give you those good things again- implying people are not that kind and/or you're not worthy enough to prompt so much goodness out of most people...(well, even if that were true, turns out he's not really "good people" who grace you with kindness either, is he?)

 

tear your defenses down and admit to yourself what this is really about. it usually boils down to a negative self-image and the belief that we don't deserve to walk away from what has become unsatisfying.

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1) A lot of people come back for seconds during a dry spell in their dating, with vague 'hey thinking of you, how've ya been' type messages.

2) This discrepancy alone should tell you that he's sending mixed messages.

1. Why would he say he's thinking about me when HE ditched me.

2. My brain is saying this is not right.my gut feeling is saying "persevere, he's right for you".

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at some point he gave you good things to remember. he is unable to offer that now. you gave him good things to remember. you caan't keep doing that forever, seeing as his condition is absolutely out of your control and you need someone who is healthy enough to reciprocate with the same.

 

is it scary, the thought that the good stuff is no more? what does it make you think? there are your answers- does it make you think "if only had tried harder"- implying you need to exhaust yourself to help someone, does it make you think you'll never find someone who can give you those good things again- implying people are not that kind and/or you're not worthy enough to prompt so much goodness out of most people...(well, even if that were true, turns out he's not really "good people" who grace you with kindness either, is he?)

 

tear your defenses down and admit to yourself what this is really about. it usually boils down to a negative self-image and the belief that we don't deserve to walk away from what has become unsatisfying.

 

 

RainyCoast,

 

You are definitely right- it does come down to my perception about what I deserve- but only partly. I have realised this and really hope to get some help for this in the near future.

 

It's scary because I fear I won't find someone who fits me so well. I could never fault him, he just checked all the boxes and that's something I've never had with anyone else before. I fear that I will lose someone who could potentially be a good match for me.

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RainyCoast,

 

You are definitely right- it does come down to my perception about what I deserve- but only partly. I have realised this and really hope to get some help for this in the near future.

 

It's scary because I fear I won't find someone who fits me so well. I could never fault him, he just checked all the boxes and that's something I've never had with anyone else before. I fear that I will lose someone who could potentially be a good match for me.

 

Even though he did this?

"He has made me feel like s*** for something I have not done and has heard me cry several times and has not bothered to sort it out."

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Why SSC do you think you cannot be loved, or, deserve to be loved?

 

As others have said here, it is time to work on yourself and your self-esteem.

 

I feel as though in my past relationships I've put my heart out and have put in so much effort that wasn't reciprocated. I also feel I've fallen for people that can't communicate and just end up messing me around. My ex that I just broke up with was the first person I saw put in so much effort for me and I don't want to let go of that feeling. I feel as though when they stop putting in the effort, something must be wrong with me and then I think I don't deserve to be loved because it keeps happening to me for no reason

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this good OP, keep going, you're getting somewhere.

 

"something must be wrong with me or else they would keep trying/stay"

 

"something is wrong with me"

 

this is basically the belief that you need to be such and such and do such and such to justify beling loved. if you don't meet demands such and such down to a t, then only a very patient person, a saint, even if they also make you feel miserable, would find it in themself to "put with you" and love you. you don't have to be or do squat to deserve love. the need for love is a basic need in all humans, all of us, regardless how bad we or someone else perceive us to be, deserve to have met. people are free not to give love, but we are equally free to insist on having the need met and walk away when another cannot meet this need. walk away to be loved by ourselves or someone other.

 

believing i am not enough this or that is the superego torturing with it's absurd demands, conditioning us to prove we are worthy. this voice that tells us we won't be deserving until we bridge the gap between "me" and "who i think i should be" isn't some wise higher authority, much less god (who, being spiritual, you will agree is equally loving of all his saints and sinners alike)- the superego is a ruthless structure than will sooner kill you than allow you to have your most basic needs met, let alone enjoy yourself. the good thing is, as you age and come to recognize it's not doing you any favors, you get to tell it where it can stick it's shoulds and musts.

 

 

obviously i agree with the self-esteem advice. but for me, i was unable to get far trying to build a positive self-image no matter what i did or achieved. partly because i resented being conditioned. i guess on the inside i was screaming i want the right to fail, to be horrible, to be dysfunctional, to be -insert watever i mustn't be- and still have it acknowledged that i am deserving of love. so i switched from trying to get self-esteem to trying to get self-acceptance. the latter allows us to be what we can at any given time, do what we can at any given time- and even at times when our best is pathetic, still know that we are not unworthy. self-esteem requires proof of your worth, or so i see it implied. self-acceptance just gets rid of the whole ego-ideal. it's a liberating concept, if you ponder and extrapolate on it.

 

what is your ego ideal telling you should be or do to deserve love and to have others recognize that you deserve it?

 

you've already proven you are empathic, supportive, thoughtful, caring, ethical, smart...seeing as you're not a murderer or some other kind of disgusting sadistic criminal, what more should you be/do to be deserving? i keep meeting people i find horrible and yet they are loved to bits by someone, sometimes by many someones. go figure. hitler was loved by many someones. i have loved people to bts whom others have found worthless.

 

what should you be/do? and where does it say exactly that you should be/do this or that? even if you suffered a grave brain injury that rendered you lettuce-like and unable to be there for others, would you not still be deserving of love? would there still not be someone who would find you SO worth it? i work with severe cases of mental and physical disability. i have rarely loved so much as i love a completely "useless" patient, shunned, ostracized and heavily stigmatized by others and due to his condition, apartment-bound. he is an agel, as far as i am concerned. he will never have to do athing to prove it, and the most relief he got was when he got drunk- something he thought i would condemn him for. i asked him whether he feared i had changed my mind about liking him and he started saying these horrible things about himself...fag, leper,trash,psycho, were the mildest of them. i didn't bat an eyelid. i just said "you're all that, huh? k then. can i still come over for coffee and hugs?". he nevcer asked what horrible things i was and he liked me since the start. what i mean is-- noone judges you more severely than your own ego ideal. if you can practice not being conditioned by the demands it places on you, you will start to notice and accept the folks who see you much better than you see yourself.

 

 

this is an unorganized post and i'm ot giving you proper answers. i'm at work and can't assemble my thoughts like i'd like too but i wanted to give you things to ponder on because you are open, brave, introspective...and because i sense you are so deeply convinced of being unworthy that it doesn't make sense trying too hard to prove yourself otherwise. this can be a good thing because it allows you to skip the arguments along the lines "oh well, i'm a good singer, that's something, right?" to build yourself up through more conditioning and just go straight to "whatever i am or aren't, i deserve love and i deserve to walk away when it is lacking".

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Hi RainyCoast,

 

Thank you SO much for taking time out to write all of this for me- it really means a lot!

 

I'm glad you have recognised the difficulty in building on self-esteem and self-image issues. As you've experienced it isn't easy, but I have recognised this as a problem for my wellbeing and I am in the process of changing it.

 

Your post really touched me and certainly made a great deal of sense. You are right in what you say and I am glad that you have shown and explained to me this side of things. This post really helped me to start thinking about the situation in a different light and I cannot thank you enough!

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