KennyD Posted May 24, 2016 Share Posted May 24, 2016 About two years ago a Co-worker and I met and had lunch together. I was immediately attracted. However, she is in a lesbian relationship. At that point I knew that being more than co-workers/friends was out of the question. However, since that initial lunch that we had together we have eaten lunch alone together almost every day and we have even became good friends outside of work. We go on hikes, camping, fishing, out to eat and many other fun things outside of work. Her partner comes along on these hangouts as well 99% of the time. I feel horrible because I am not being honest with her. Despite my attempts to keep my feelings in check, I have failed. I have developed deep feelings for her. Sometimes my co-worker/friend and I have these prolonged silent eye contact episodes where we just stare at each other silently for like 5 seconds. To the point where I get butterflies in my stomach and usually one of us looks away. One such instance followed when we were talking about settling in relationships. When I told her about how I have settled in relationships in the past, she looked down at the table and said, “Maybe I settled too”, but unfortunately we never spoke nothing more about this comment. I have also noticed that she makes a lot of sexual jokes with me, which leads me to believe that she may be a little sexually repressed. I could be wrong. My friend/co-worker has repeatedly expressed that she wishes that I had my own apartment. One time she even said that she wished that I had my own apartment so she could have palace to go to when her and her partner were fighting. Over the course of this friendship I have become increasingly “in love” with her. It’s to the point where I think about her 24/7 and I am always wondering if she likes me the same way. I am constantly analyzing situations, and I am self-conscious around her to the point where I don’t feel myself when hanging out with her, and her partner, because of all the things going on in my head. I can’t even talk straight. If I could bet what she is truly feeling and thinking, I would say that she does in fact feel the same. However, she will never ever initiate this dialogue nor will she ever admit to what I suspect. Lately I have felt that I should let her go. I feel as though she doesn’t need me as a friend. She is very social and has a big group of friends, which she act totally different towards me when around them. I feel bad because I feel that I have betrayed her trust, and her partners trust. The issue is that we sit next to each other at work. And she expects to go to lunch with me every day. Sometimes to ease the pain, I tell her I’m busy for lunch because I can’t stomach this anymore. I am contemplating letting her down easy, but I think at this point there is no such thing as an easy let down. I have tried to do this by avoiding seeing her at work and not contacting her as much and putting some distance between us. She will eventually call me out on all of this however. What should I do? Link to comment
Matti Jr Posted May 24, 2016 Share Posted May 24, 2016 Not really the best approach to handle that because you're not dealing with the issue, just hoping it goes away. She must value your friendship if she wants to spend time with you. Do you value her friendship? I think everyone over-analyzes when they're caught up in their feelings. Not saying you should do this, but you could tell her you developed feelings for her and you're in an awkward position because you don't want to ruin the friendship between the two of you. Link to comment
nuttybuddy Posted May 24, 2016 Share Posted May 24, 2016 well, once u tell her that you've developed feelings for her, the cat's out of the bag. you can never return to the friendship you had before. try to find a woman whom you can start dating and get your mind off of her. until your co-worker admits that she thinks she likes you, i don't think you should tell her. i think telling her will just make her retreat away from you with excuses like she's a firm lesbian or other bs. but if you never tell her and have her begging for more of you, maybe she'll come "into the closet." (get it? haha) anyway, seriously, if you start dating another woman, whether you're into that other woman or not, she might start realizing her jealousy and want to confess to you. i think that would be the best way. plus, another benefit of dating another woman is that not only would she get your mind off of your co-worker, but you might sincerely find a woman who's great and into you as well. then you won't have to deal with this sexuality mumbo jumbo. Link to comment
jennylove Posted May 24, 2016 Share Posted May 24, 2016 I don't think you should express how you feel while still working together. Aside from it being awkward, how would her partner handle it knowing you have feelings for her gf? She will find out. Remember, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! You simply need to occupy your time with someone else. Date someone else and watch your emotions for her fade away. Link to comment
Krankor Posted May 24, 2016 Share Posted May 24, 2016 This is a complicated situation. It sounds as if you two are at least somewhat close friends, so you can't just blow her off. Telling her you can't be her friend anymore because you've developed feelings for her is only going to make things awkward between you. I guess best case scenario is that she confesses that she also has feelings, but even then she's still tangled up in a relationship. I wouldn't count on that anyway; do you even know if she has any interest in men? Even if she does, you're probably thoroughly friend zoned. Besides, you have to see her at work anyway, so there's no real chance to do the "out of sight, out of mind" thing with her when you have to have at least some contact sometimes. I think your best course of action here is to do everything you can to stop having these feelings. It's difficult, but it can be done. You have to rewire your brain. What you tell yourself, you will actually start believing after a while. When your thoughts wander to her, actually change your body position. If you are sitting, stand up and put your arms over your head in a "Y" formation (don't do this at work obviously) and say out loud "She's a lesbian and I will never be with her. I'm really not interested anyway; she's just a friend." It sounds strange, but it actually does work. And try to find someone else. Dating co-workers isn't a good idea anyway. Link to comment
nuttybuddy Posted May 24, 2016 Share Posted May 24, 2016 Krankor just made me think if you ever asked her if she could be interested in men. this might send her a clue that you might be interested without letting her know that you are. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted May 24, 2016 Share Posted May 24, 2016 I feel bad because I feel that I have betrayed her trust, and her partners trust. This is pretty dramatic language. Look, you're living in your head, and you're projecting that into your workplace. I'd skip any need to make this about the girl, because we're talking about your job here. I'd see a therapist as quickly as possible to avoid blowing this even further out of proportion. You have a crush on someone, and it won't be the last, so you may as well learn how to handle it wisely without causing all kinds of unnecessary drama that will only make your work life more difficult. Meanwhile, I'd put my focus on competence. I'd stop hanging out with the girl outside of work, I'd limit my lunches with her to once or twice a week and find other things to do with that time. I'd consider the word 'responsible' as two words 'response able,' and I'd start viewing myself as capable of learning how to minimize this experience and manage it appropriately instead of going off the deep end to create fallout that never had to occur. Head high, and work smart. Link to comment
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