I'm just so ANGRY

I think this must be a normal phase in the healing process, but jesus... I am just so ANGRY with him over these last few days!!! Before that I had some angry moments, but mostly I felt hurt, sad, disappointed, and even a bit annoyed. Now? Ugh.... I almost hate him. Because I still love him, I guess.

It started on Saturday, which was his birthday. I felt no desire to reach out to him, primarily because of the miserable way his birthday went last year. (If you're curious about that, I wrote out the details on the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread.) Anyway, it stirred up a lot of anger for me. I stayed busy and made it through the weekend, but last night it all flared up again, after Game of Thrones. Those of you who watch, you know... it was a brutal episode. Heartwrenching, tragic, horrible. And I got angry all over again, because I'm sitting there watching ALONE, instead of with my ex. It was something we enjoyed very much together. It was fun talking about it, but it was also nice to have someone to grip onto during those super intense scenes that are the hallmark of GoT. Such a small thing really... but it triggered my anger all over again.

I'm ANGRY that he walked away from a great relationship. And admitted how great it was while walking away.

I'm ANGRY that hasn't broken the NC I insisted on, to tell me that he was wrong and that he wants to get back together.

I'm ANGRY that he made me feel so loved, and happy, and safe, and took all that away in an instant.

I'm ANGRY that he wants to be "friends", and is forcing me to be the strong one by putting boundaries in place, NC etc. Don't I have enough pain to cope with without having to be the strong one too?!

I'm ANGRY that he decided I wasn't worthy of his love. Not young enough, thin enough, pretty enough, red-headed enough (his preference, because of course his ex was a red-head), fun enough, whatever-enough.... to be someone worth his time in the long run.

I'm ANGRY that he apparently didn't value our relationship nearly as much as I did.

I'm ANGRY that he is a 43 year old man, who is so emotionally broken/immature/deluded/whatthef-ever that he chose to chuck everything we had in order to go on a quest for some unicorns-n-rainbows fairytale *romance* that will make his heart go pitterpat like it did when he was in his 20's and met his b*tch of an ex-wife. You know... the one who treated him like crap for twelve years, while he supported her and she serial cheated SIX times, before leaving him in the dust for her latest affair partner. I'm ANGRY at him for being so stupid as to seek that out again. For not understanding that love and infatuation are NOT the same thing, and that love doesn't have to be angst-ridden daily drama in order to be REAL.

Most of all, I think I'm angry at myself for still loving him. For still wanting him back. For reading online here and elsewhere for any scrap of hope that maybe... just maybe... we have a chance. Maybe I'm the stupid one.

You should be angry at yourself. You are doing EXTREMELY poor job at deflecting and diverting your mind away from the thoughts of your ex.

It will only get worse if you don't start now.

Remember, we can't control the thoughts that enter our mind, but we CAN control what we do with them. You have 2 choices, throw them in the garage and focus on something else (which in time will = success) or dwell, spark all kinds of emotion and spin in the spiral of never ending frustration.

Currently you are doing #2. I suggest you stop. He is your EX, he is no longer your concern. Think of him taking a nasty dump when he comes to your mind or of him doing something disgusting.

Good luck

You should be angry at yourself. You are doing EXTREMELY poor job at deflecting and diverting your mind away from the thoughts of your ex.

 

It will only get worse if you don't start now.

 

Remember, we can't control the thoughts that enter our mind, but we CAN control what we do with them. You have 2 choices, throw them in the garage and focus on something else (which in time will = success) or dwell, spark all kinds of emotion and spin in the spiral of never ending frustration.

 

Currently you are doing #2. I suggest you stop. He is your EX, he is no longer your concern. Think of him taking a nasty dump when he comes to your mind or of him doing something disgusting.

 

Good luck

I'm unclear on how ignoring these thoughts and feelings, which is what you are suggesting, would be helpful for any concrete long-term healing. I get not wallowing, and have given similar advice to people who are still in the spin cycle months or even years later. Emotional healing takes more than time, it also requires an act of will. But at 5 weeks since break up, and almost 3 weeks of 100% NC, I think I'm doing better than you give me credit for. I survived an infidelity-caused divorce, and I can sure as hell get through this. My process to do so is what it is, and that includes venting here. It doesn't include imagining the guy I still love- (yeah, I do. Sorry!) -taking a dump. I can't believe that's actually your advice, but whatever. To each his own.

Your ex sounds like he is narcissistic with the way he has left you feeling, if he is then I understand your pain..my ex was and it's taken me a while to accept and start to move on. You will too but you need to stop being angry at yourself, you were with him as you loved him. Try keep your mind off him and ask yourself is the pain on being with this person worth it? I doubt it, hold your head high and keep busy!!! Good luck

Try not to make this about you rather than the break up. It's unfortunate he candy-coated his departure but adios is adios no matter how saccharine.

Not young enough, thin enough, pretty enough, red-headed enough his preference, because of course his ex was a red-head

I'm very sorry for your pain, but although easier said than done, you need to give yourself a break and focus on being kind to yourself. Unfortunately "time" can be your best friend, or your worst enemy depending on the progress of healing.

Take care, and give yourself permission to grieve...

I'm unclear on how ignoring these thoughts and feelings, which is what you are suggesting, would be helpful for any concrete long-term healing. I get not wallowing, and have given similar advice to people who are still in the spin cycle months or even years later. Emotional healing takes more than time, it also requires an act of will. But at 5 weeks since break up, and almost 3 weeks of 100% NC, I think I'm doing better than you give me credit for. I survived an infidelity-caused divorce, and I can sure as hell get through this. My process to do so is what it is, and that includes venting here. It doesn't include imagining the guy I still love- (yeah, I do. Sorry!) -taking a dump. I can't believe that's actually your advice, but whatever. To each his own.

Things are as big of a deal or as little of a deal as WE make them.

Currently, you are making them a big deal. So stop it?

Completely normal and a common human trait.

This is all actually totally 100 percent normal, I'd say necessary even to moving on.

You know who doesn't heal and move on? The person who either stays stuck in grief all the time and never moves from there or the rose-colored glasses of "My ex was sooooo perfect, I'll never get anyone better than that."

Those people stay stuck in a purgatory I wouldn't wish off on anyone.

Go take that anger now and let it spur you to action. Take it out on a gym bag, let that anger fuel you through some serious workouts, journal every last ounce of everything you're feeling. And let it push your forward and beyond.

Pretty soon you'll get bored, then you'll be bored about him, then a little bit later you won't really even remember why you were upset to begin with.

And when you feel true indifference, that's when you're healed.

Keep going, ignore people who think one must be all sunshine and flowers--it's a fricking breakup for God's sakes--wars have been started over less.

Anger, grief, rage, bargaining, all the stages of grief are there in a breakup or a loss. Totally fine, totally normal. And yes, so long as you don't do anything illegal and you keep your anger behind locked doors, it's okay to even lose your proverbial sh(( over it sometimes.

Something my therapist told me long ago was normal. Actually she used to encourage me to punch the living daylights out of a pillow and howl like a wounded animal in anger. I found it cathartic and yes it helped me move on.

So keep healing. And maybe lay off the GoT for a bit. I stopped watching it, because yeah I cry at Superbowl Commercials. You don't want to see what happens when they really lay it on thick with an episode. (Red Wedding - Shudders)

Been there. It is a part of the process.. itll last a few days. maybe a couple weeks? but it will fade eventually and youll realize how to be happy without him over time.

(ps you should see one of my past posts from a few weeks ago.

(( ))

it sounds very similar to your own.. and today i feel much better. still not the best, but much better. time will heal.)

Your feelings are very normal. You're mostly angry that he is not in love with you and that you are in love with him. It's a tough place to be - in different places.

Thanks everyone. Paris, since my appetite returned and my energy level picked up, I have been working out like crazy. Kickboxing is my favorite. Talk about cathartic-- it's great for getting all that negative emotion out.

Not long ago I was saying on here to someone to use their anger, and that I was finding this breakup harder than my divorce because it was painful but lacked the empowering anger that comes along with betrayal. Jmann, you're right. I don't think I'll be in this stage nearly as long as I was post-infidelity/divorce, but while I'm here I'm going to use it. Channel it. Kick some ass with it.

Not sure I can lay off the GoT. I'm fully hooked and eager to see what happens next. Next week I'll be more prepared. A pillow to clutch, or whatever... haha.

Your feelings are very normal. You're mostly angry that he is not in love with you and that you are in love with him. It's a tough place to be - in different places.

That's pretty much it, in a nutshell.

Normal part of grieving.. the heartache.. confusion.. reasoning...anger..etc.

You're still so full of emotions and that's all part of it. Tomorrow or next month you could be crying again over him.

Another month from now you could be feeling that some normal feelings are beginning to arise again.. then you'll hit another 'low' and rally 'miss him' and on it goes for a good few months +.

All part of grieving your LOSS. Dealing with it all and accepting. Everything takes TIME.

Keep working on YOU though. Get your rest, eat well.. get some air and try to get out with friends/family.

Please keep in mind that although this site if full of great advice and different perspectives, some of it is also very bad and you have to take it with a grain of salt. Perhaps those users that are further along in the healing process have a tendency to oversimplify the heartbreak and suffering you have to go through following a break up when you really just need to take the time to slowly work through it. Unfortunately, it takes time.... a lot of time to overthink and overanalyze everything that has happened and go through the stages of grief. You have to embrace the pain and the grieving rather than beat yourself up over it. I had the same issues and realized that simply trying to divert my thoughts away from it was not possible and you have to let your thought processes naturally go through the motions. It is also worth to note that there is a well known psychological theory called the "white elephant" of "white bear" effect which implies the more that you try and suppress certain thoughts, the more likely they are to surface. I think later in the healing process, the diversion technique is very useful but using it initially just makes things worse.

What Ms Darcy said. Still bouncing between hating her, missing her, feeling indifferent towards her while she seemingly moved on within a couple weeks with someone new.

Ironic process theory, that's interesting. I'd think it'd be healthier to just work through the motions over the months and possibly years rather than suppress them at first and have more frequent breakdowns months after the breakup.

I am in a very similar place. It's been 3 months but really only 3 weeks since we went back and forth for a while. What I've learned so far (and it's still not much) is that:

1) You gotta feel what you gotta feel. Deflecting or diverting or denying just leaves the energy of the emotion trapped in your body. Cry, scream, wail...whatever it takes but you HAVE TO feel it.

2) Ignoring the thoughts is impossible. However BELIEVING them is what we need to work on. I think of my ex all the time but when I start to idolize him or the relationship I force myself to ask "Is that really true". And it often isn't. I still miss him and love him and would do anything to work on our relationship but I'm no longer placing him or us on a false alter. He was an emotionally unavailable jerk and my mind needs reminding sometimes.

3) This is not really a process that you have any control over. You will be angry as long as you need to be. You will miss him as long as you will miss him. You will feel love for him as long as you will feel love for him. We really have no control over any of this. Once we give in and accept this is where the universe wants us to be right now, it's less exhausting. The less you fight where you are, the more energy you will have to devote to getting to where you want to be.

Anyway, that's my take from my tiny corner of the world. ❤️

Kickboxing is awesome! So are martial arts. Still remember the night my sensai let me into her dojo after hours, told me she could see the dark energy in me and it needed to come out, then set me up with a series of mannequins and other equipment to flay on. I spent three hours of pent up emotion being poured into the workout of my life, loved it.

Got in on the GoT. Lots of kleenix, a big pillow, and have your favorite comedy at the ready when it's over. Or you could just do what I did and replay the scenes of Joffrey dying while you trip around the room singing, "Ding dong, the B is dead, the wicked B, the wicked B." (Wait I meant Brat of course, what did you think I meant!)

Now that guy got me angry. Got to give a high five to the actor who played him for being the most despised fictional character of all time. I mean, he beat out Malfory in terms of just pure savagery and...oops sorry, didn't mean to hijack the thread.

Heartache does pass. Losing one of your favorite fictional characters though, not so sure about that. Laugh, kickbox, remember that you were happy once when you didn't even know he existed and you will be again.

It passes.

That anger is normal. Im at my indifference phase now I think. Things dont bother like they use to.

Hold the door.......hodor.

 

2) Ignoring the thoughts is impossible. However BELIEVING them is what we need to work on. I think of my ex all the time but when I start to idolize him or the relationship I force myself to ask "Is that really true". And it often isn't. I still miss him and love him and would do anything to work on our relationship but I'm no longer placing him or us on a false alter. He was an emotionally unavailable jerk and my mind needs reminding sometimes.

Pinklily, thank you! Your entire post was helpful but especially the part noted above. You made me more aware of not just my thoughts, but the spin my changing emotions are putting on those thoughts. I've been tending to idolize him or demonize him, depending on my state of mind, and that is neither fair nor accurate. He was not a saint, and he was not an assh*le. He was just a guy, human and flawed, who turned out to not be the right guy for me. Just because I fell in love with him, doesn't change that.

I also agree that while keeping thoughts rooted in reality, the emotions themselves have to be felt before they can be let go. The only way out is through, and it will take as long as it takes. Thank you for your post.

Paris, when I get more in shape I would love to do some real martial arts training! The big thing around here is MMA stuff, but maybe I can find some other options. I can imagine how that training experience was for you. It sounds incredible.

Agreed about Joffrey... though Ramsay Bolton is giving him a run for his money as most despised character. That guy is just evil.

GypsyBird, i really wish i can get angry at mine! I think it is a liberating stage. Not quite there yet! I thought i don't think i have a reason to be mad at him, but reading your post, i can definitely relate and find some!!

About Bolton, yeah he is competing quite well!!! and OMG hold the door!!!

Please keep in mind that although this site if full of great advice and different perspectives, some of it is also very bad and you have to take it with a grain of salt. Perhaps those users that are further along in the healing process have a tendency to oversimplify the heartbreak and suffering you have to go through following a break up when you really just need to take the time to slowly work through it. Unfortunately, it takes time.... a lot of time to overthink and overanalyze everything that has happened and go through the stages of grief. You have to embrace the pain and the grieving rather than beat yourself up over it. I had the same issues and realized that simply trying to divert my thoughts away from it was not possible and you have to let your thought processes naturally go through the motions. It is also worth to note that there is a well known psychological theory called the "white elephant" of "white bear" effect which implies the more that you try and suppress certain thoughts, the more likely they are to surface. I think later in the healing process, the diversion technique is very useful but using it initially just makes things worse.

Excellent post.

Yeah, got to go through the stages, and feeling anger should be seen as a positive! It means you are progressing. This stage will pass, and when it does, you will be one step further on the long road to healing!

I agree that those that are further along in the process, further along in the stages do simply the heartbreak to some extent. They can see a lot of it in their rear view mirrors, while the new comers are just turning onto the street.

Ramsey Bolton is an evil idiot that will be getting his wonderful demise at the end of this season I hope. Jon and Sansa are getting an army together, Littlefinger I think still wants to make up for what he did to Sansa....because she's ultimately Catelyn's daughter and he loved Catelyn. Yara and Theon are going to join forces with Dany before Euron can. I bet Varys goes to Dorne to get them to side with Dany too. You can see the entire end game coming now, Westeros joining under Jon and Dany. But....the Nights King is coming and hell is coming with him.

It's a hard journey, isn't it? I am looking forward to the time when I feel indifferent towards him. That would be true healing.

 

Ramsey Bolton is an evil idiot that will be getting his wonderful demise at the end of this season I hope. Jon and Sansa are getting an army together, Littlefinger I think still wants to make up for what he did to Sansa....because she's ultimately Catelyn's daughter and he loved Catelyn. Yara and Theon are going to join forces with Dany before Euron can. I bet Varys goes to Dorne to get them to side with Dany too. You can see the entire end game coming now, Westeros joining under Jon and Dany. But....the Nights King is coming and hell is coming with him.

I can't WAIT for Ramsay to meet his end!! I wanted Theon to somehow be the one to kill him though that seems unlikely now. Interesting theory you posted above. I also think the Greyjoys are headed to find Dany. Can't wait for the next episode!

**Can I just mention that it's been really awesome to chat GoT here with you guys, since I can no longer do so with my ex? ENA really does provide healing and support in all forms! Thanks!