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He broke up with me to find his happiness?


Mg99

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Hey guys, so I've been reading a lot of posts on her trying to find one that identifies with my situation, and I decided just to make my own post. My boyfriend of almost a year and a half broke up with me about a month ago. I am devastated. We were each other's first loves. Basically, he tried to break up with me last April, said he was unhappy and felt like he was under a lot of pressure and couldn't make me happy. Then I got really upset and he didn't break up with me. (Later I discovered it was because it was at this time he realized he was in love with me). Ever since that point, I never felt 100% secure in the relationship. I went from not being a very verbal person with my feelings and him not being like that either to me always saying how I felt and saying things for a reaction. He is also joining the navy when he graduates university and would say he would feel so guilty about it (and leaving me) that he cried. He felt like it would ruin us and he wanted to get out before it got too serious. It seemed like he was always one foot in one foot out, even tho he did love me and want to be with me. Then, this last April we were going thru a rocky patch. Fighting, arguing and him saying I was too needy and it pushed him away. Then he said the only way to fix it was to end it, but then over the next few weeks kept saying this but then also that he wanted to stay together. Eventually, things got so bad he broke up with me. He said he wasn't happy in life or with the relationship, and that he needed to find his happiness. He said his behavior was directly influenced by his happiness and he saw how miserable he was making me and didn't want to keep hurting me. When we broke up we hugged and kissed goodbye and said we loved each other. Then, every day since the breakup he would iniate contact in some form. But it was too much for me and I told him we had to stop. A week later I broke down and texted him, and he tried to comfort me. But then he said I need to move on and focus on myself. I don't know how to do this when I feel like I want him back and that a big part of my life is missing. He was my everything and when I was with him I was over the moon. Help me decipher all of this and let me know if there's a chance of reconciliation please.

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Hi,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I don't think it sounds like there is hope for reconciliation as you said he has one foot in and one foot out the door. Also because it sounds like he doesn't want to be with you either. It is nothing personal. I think you should move forward and find somebody who thinks the moon and stars of you!!!

 

Lisa

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Hi,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I don't think it sounds like there is hope for reconciliation as you said he has one foot in and one foot out the door. Also because it sounds like he doesn't want to be with you either. It is nothing personal. I think you should move forward and find somebody who thinks the moon and stars of you!!!

 

Lisa

 

Hi Lisa,

 

Why would he stay with me for a year and a half if he didn't want to be with me? And why did he keep speaking to me after the break up. I'm just confused because besides the end of it all, he seemed like he really wanted to be with me. He also said he thought the world of me and couldn't keep hurting me, but they if we stayed together we would have ended up hating each other. He said if he felt better and had his own life sorted out we could maybe be together again. What do you think?

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Why would he stay with me for a year and a half if he didn't want to be with me? And why did he keep speaking to me after the break up. I'm just confused because besides the end of it all, he seemed like he really wanted to be with me. He also said he thought the world of me and couldn't keep hurting me, but they if we stayed together we would have ended up hating each other. He said if he felt better and had his own life sorted out we could maybe be together again. What do you think?

 

Because some guys are confused and selfish a-holes who would rather string someone along than be alone. These guys don't think they're bad guys, but trust me they're not good for YOU. And that's all you need to focus on. These guys would rather cut and run when the going gets tough. You don't want to be with someone like this. Selfish, emotionally immature guys like our exes need to be dumped so they can figure themselves out before getting into another relationship with a girl and putting her through torture because he doesn't know how to grow up.

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Hi Mg99,

 

You have to accept that although you once cared about each other mutually, his feelings changed somewhere along the road and does not seem to be equipped for a mature relationship at this time in his life.

 

Let's face it... He walked out on you because you were having a rough patch and that alone shows he wouldn't be a valuable long term partner. All relationships go through bumps in the road but the people worth keeping are those that don't give up and work with you to get through the rough patches as a team. I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone that bails when times get tough and doesn't have the emotional maturity to realize relationships are not always rainbows and sunshine.

 

Cut your losses. There's nothing worse than being with someone who doesn't really want to be there because you'll always doubt their true intentions.

 

I would stop communicating with him and take some time to improve yourself. It would help to realize any mistakes you made that contributed to this so your next relationship will be healthier. You'll make it through as much as it sucks right now. I promise.

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I think one question you should really ask yourself is - where you more needy and insecure in the relationship after he dumped you the first time last April? If so, then ask yourself why you got back with him.

 

When you reconcile, it only works if you are ready to forgive and move forward. If not, then the relationship has a time limit until the two of you just can't take the drama anymore.

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We are not mind readers here.This is my take on this. He is deciding this matter with his head. Knowing that his future will be going into the Navy weighs heavy on his mind. It is very important that you not contact him. Conduct your life on the premise that he is not coming back. Go forward with your life and date others. When it dawns on him that he could loose you forever he may want to come back to you. It will be your decision at that point if that day comes. How old are the two of you? chi

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Sounds like my ex and I, a year later I'm much better and happily single. You'll get there. If he has told you to move on please believe him, my ex told me the same thing and we never got past a casual friendly conversation after that. Most of the time someone else has come into the picture and has shown our ex partners that there could possibly be another future in the works for them. It will hurt but it's life and things will become bearable with time. Let go and move forward.

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We are not mind readers here.This is my take on this. He is deciding this matter with his head. Knowing that his future will be going into the Navy weighs heavy on his mind. It is very important that you not contact him. Conduct your life on the premise that he is not coming back. Go forward with your life and date others. When it dawns on him that he could loose you forever he may want to come back to you. It will be your decision at that point if that day comes. How old are the two of you? chi

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for this advice. I really believe he was having a battle between his heart and his head, because he kept saying he did not want to end it but felt he had to. The decision was definitely influenced by the navy and him not wanting me to affect this decision. I'm 21 and he is 22.

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Hi, him trying to end it definitely made me clingy and needy, and it annoyed him when I would act like this. But it was his fault. I just wonder if I could have done anything differently. Do you think we will ever be able to speak again? Thanks!

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Hi, him trying to end it definitely made me clingy and needy, and it annoyed him when I would act like this. But it was his fault. I just wonder if I could have done anything differently. Do you think we will ever be able to speak again? Thanks!

 

Ok. Well, then my point is then that you should not get back with anyone you feel makes you feel clingy and needy. That's what you could have done differently. Walked away.

 

So your job now is to start to accept that things are over.

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While it's true that we can't control who we love, we learn how to recognize that some people are best loved from far away. In your case, the guy knows that his Navy separation is inevitable and you are both miserable. You feel needy and clingy, and he feels lousy and guilty--that's no way to live.

 

I've always found it helpful in moving forward to trust that if ex and I are truly a 'meant to be' deal, we'll meet again someday on higher ground, but we'll both need to grow and reach that place on our own.

 

This motivated me to invest in myself so I can find my version of high ground. I made it a goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back from this. I still had occasional boo-hoos with my tissue box, but I limited those times and considered them a cleansing ritual rather than sinking myself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

I considered reinvesting in my family and friends who I'd neglected while focused on my relationship, and I pursued interests that helped me make new friends. I made my time with people about them, not me. This helped me more than anything. It made me feel good about my ability to create good memories for the people I love rather than weigh them down with my self-absorbtion, even while it opened new experiences for me and opportunities to explore new talents.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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While it's true that we can't control who we love, we learn how to recognize that some people are best loved from far away. In your case, the guy knows that his Navy separation is inevitable and you are both miserable. You feel needy and clingy, and he feels lousy and guilty--that's no way to live.

 

I've always found it helpful in moving forward to trust that if ex and I are truly a 'meant to be' deal, we'll meet again someday on higher ground, but we'll both need to grow and reach that place on our own.

 

This motivated me to invest in myself so I can find my version of high ground. I made it a goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back from this. I still had occasional boo-hoos with my tissue box, but I limited those times and considered them a cleansing ritual rather than sinking myself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

I considered reinvesting in my family and friends who I'd neglected while focused on my relationship, and I pursued interests that helped me make new friends. I made my time with people about them, not me. This helped me more than anything. It made me feel good about my ability to create good memories for the people I love rather than weigh them down with my self-absorbtion, even while it opened new experiences for me and opportunities to explore new talents.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

Hi catfeeder,

 

Thank you so much for this advice. Reading this has providing me with so much insight and such a strong motivation to move forward. I can't thank you enough for your kind words. It is very true that he felt guilty and tried to emotionally pull away from me, only making me feel worse. We were miserable. But I still love him and he said many times he does love me. I think my main concern now is that he moves on to someone else, although he said he needs to focus on himself and be alone for awhile. Either way, you saying if it's meant to be we will meet again when we're in better places really resonated with me. I don't want to wait around with him, I want to move forward with life. I will not close myself off to men, but right now I also think I have a bit of soul searching to do, after allowing myself to get completely wrapped up in this relationship. We've been broke up for about 5 weeks now, and yesterday I finally got the courage to remove him from our last social media connection, Facebook. It felt dramatic, but I couldn't fight the temptation to check his page often and got upset when I saw a girl posting on his wall. I am trying to move onwards and upwards, hard as it may be.

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Hi Mg. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it is really, really hard but it is better to try NOT to focus on reconciliation, None of us can tell you what the chances of reconciliation are anyway. In truth, it is probably unlikely but we just don't know, especially as he is joining the Navy too. What you need to hold on to is the fact that one way or the other you WILL be happy again. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you will be able to move on from this and you will be happy again.

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Hi Lisa,

 

Why would he stay with me for a year and a half if he didn't want to be with me? And why did he keep speaking to me after the break up. I'm just confused because besides the end of it all, he seemed like he really wanted to be with me. He also said he thought the world of me and couldn't keep hurting me, but they if we stayed together we would have ended up hating each other. He said if he felt better and had his own life sorted out we could maybe be together again. What do you think?

 

No doubt he once cared for you deeply. However, there must have come a point where he wasn't sure if he wanted to remain in a relationship but because he still cared about you, it probably confused him. Part of him wanted you, part of him didn't. The thing is once the cracks start to appear, it's hard to keep control of them and they usually get bigger. That is why it is best not to prolong or false something that isn't working for one or both parties. He's right to that extent, if you had stayed together resentment would have started to build between you.

 

He probably just feels the need to grow some more as an individual. It can feel like that sometimes, especially when it's your first intense relationship and you are still growing as a person.

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No doubt he once cared for you deeply. However, there must have come a point where he wasn't sure if he wanted to remain in a relationship but because he still cared about you, it probably confused him. Part of him wanted you, part of him didn't. The thing is once the cracks start to appear, it's hard to keep control of them and they usually get bigger. That is why it is best not to prolong or false something that isn't working for one or both parties. He's right to that extent, if you had stayed together resentment would have started to build between you.

 

He probably just feels the need to grow some more as an individual. It can feel like that sometimes, especially when it's your first intense relationship and you are still growing as a person.

 

Hi blue68,

 

Thank you so much for this. I am so surprised and touched by how relevant, considerate and accurate everyone's advice on here has been. It's great to get an outside perspective. You are right that he is not ready for a serious relationship. He kept saying that he was only 22 and didn't want to deal with the stress and pressure of it all. To put things in perspective, I go to school abroad (for all my four years) in the UK, and that is how we met. He goes to a nearby university, but still lives at home. His friends are all graduating this year as he originally had dropped out to join the navy in his second year, but then decided to get a four year engineering degree first. So his is older than me but he same school year. However, he has not had the same life experiences as me. When I met him, I don't think he was in the best place in his life. His friends from home and school are still his best friends, but they are all going their separate ways and hardly go home anymore. He has very few friends at his actual university and did not really socialize at uni. He would commute to class and go back home. Due to an injury, he had to stop working out the antibiotics he was on made his skin break out. I still think he has a great body and his skin is perfect, but he was so insecure since losing his muscle. If I ever mentioned for him to get back to going to the gym; he would get offended. Since the gym is a big part of my life for stress relief and self confidence, I told him it would be s great way for him to relax and feel better. But he never really got back into it. He wants to find his happiness, but he never told me he was depressed or unwell because he said he didnt want to hurt me. I offered many solutions, but I think he was so burnt out from everything he saw the fix as removing himself from the relationship. I also had a very rough year, dealing with depression and a lot of stress from uni and friends, and he basically turned into my only source of happiness. But I never knew he too was struggling. I do not think he is a bad guy, nor that he has found someone else prior to ending it. He is a very confused and emotionally immature person, and I have come to realize he saved me a lot of hurt by realizing he wasn't making me happy and ending it. I hope one day we can be in each other's lives even just in a casual way, being able to see how he is doing, but now I can't do that. The thing that confuses me the most is how he can say that he loves me and cares for me deeply, but not want to be in a relationship with me. Am I right to not take this personally and realize it is his own issues?

 

Thank you all so much

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Don't take this personally. He wants to spread his wings and do his thing without stringing you along. It also sounds like things were rocky and you voiced complaints that he couldn't fulfill. Some things are pretty straight forward, this is one of them. Try not to "be friends"...he said that to let you down easy. Move forward and find someone more compatible who can make you happy.

He is also joining the navy when he graduates university and would say he would feel so guilty about it.
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he saw the fix as removing himself from the relationship. I also had a very rough year, dealing with depression and a lot of stress from uni and friends, and he basically turned into my only source of happiness.

 

It really isn't personal. People have to deal with things in their own way. You found it a comfort to have someone to lean on whereas he felt the need to deal with his issues privately .... and whereas you were open about your depression he kept his own depression hidden from you. That must have put him under an enormous pressure and now that you are better he needs to focus on himself. He needs to do what he needs to do to get himself better. All you can do is give him the space he needs. It will be beneficial to you too. Stay strong. You can get through this... and one way or another you will be happy again.

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Hi guys,

 

Thanks for the advice. He never said we could be friends, but he did say he would come see me and we could go for coffee etc. however, obviously that was to be nice and I never took him up on that offer. I am home now for the summer and will not see him again for another three months. Thing is, I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again. When we broke up, he said that we would. He said the break up was just as hard for him as it is for me. He said he had barely been able to eat or sleep. I had him write down all the reasons for the break up. They were: - not because I don't love you. - need to find my happiness. - my unhappiness has a direct impact on you (and your happiness) which is not acceptable. -I care for you a lot and can't continue hurting you- my behavior is directly influenced by my happiness.- you mean the world to me, but we both need to be happy. -no point in carrying on just now, had to end now so we didn't end up hating each other, ruining the possibility of being together in the future. -you are a special girl, always remember!

I am almost a month into no contact, after a few blunders this has been about three weeks of no contact. I miss him dearly. But I can't keep holding on. His words confused me. I no longer have him on social media, but he still follows me on several things. What do I do now? Wanting to heal and be happy.

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At least you have closure now an that will help with moving forward.

I had him write down all the reasons for the break up. They were: need to find my happiness. I care for you a lot and can't continue hurting you. we both need to be happy. no point in carrying on just now, had to end now so we didn't end up hating each other
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Your relationship was from a very early age and as you said yourself, you were each other's first loves.

 

As we grow in life and grow up, sometimes the goals we once have change and the goal posts change, in terms of what we want in life. Yours have stayed the same, in wanting to be with him, but his from what you are saying changed. He is embarking on a new journey and stage of his life going in the army and his feeling is that you won't last and he isn't sure it's what he wants anymore and I believe out of respect for you and knowing each other for Sooo! Long, he has finally decided to end your relationship. I also think he probably felt this way last year, when he tried to break it off, but he couldn't go through with it and now he has grown enough to realise, it had to come to an end.

 

No one knows what's around the corner and maybe some day, he may very well track you down and want to rekindle what you once had, but what you must not do, is put your life on hold for him, waiting and hoping, because it may not happen. Instead you go out and conquer the world, as the smart woman you are and embrace what life has to offer you and find your own path.

 

I am truly sorry you are going through this and I do understand how painful it is.

 

Big hug from me to you. It will get easier in time.

 

Christina

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It just sounds like he knows going into the military is going to be very difficult for both you and him, and he doesn't want either of you hurt. Perhaps he wants to go in being single so that he doesn't have to concentrate or worry about you at home, and you won't have to deal with being without him for years.

 

Either way, it was pretty honorable of him to end it this way, instead of stringing you along for years and giving you excuses.

 

You will heal much better with no contact. It will suck for awhile, but having contact with him will keep giving you little threads of hope for reconciliation when he's quite clear that he wants it to end.

 

Keep your chin up. This is a great opportunity for you to concentrate on bettering yourself FOR YOU. You'll learn a lot about yourself being solo.

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You will heal much better with no contact. It will suck for awhile, but having contact with him will keep giving you little threads of hope for reconciliation when he's quite clear that he wants it to end.

 

Keep your chin up. This is a great opportunity for you to concentrate on bettering yourself FOR YOU. You'll learn a lot about yourself being solo.[/quote

 

Hi guys,

 

Thank you. I'm trying so hard to forget about him and focus on myself. But since the breakup I have had bad anxiety, can't sleep, can't eat and just feel so low. I wake up every morning and cry. I keep hoping I'll wake up and it will just be a nightmare. I can't help but feel like he's just off having fun and is glad to be rid of me. Regardless of the reasons for the break up, I'm having such a hard time understanding his behavior. For three weeks every weekend (the only time we saw each other) we had a big discussion about us. He would say the problems can't be fixed, even tho I offered solutions, and that he thought for the time being the only option was to end it. BUT he would end up always saying that he didn't want to break up, and he even said he obviously wanted to stay together. But then nothing felt normal, and when I wanted reassurance things were going to be ok he blew up and a few days later the break up happened. I am sick of waking up every day panicked and miserable and wondering what I could have done to prevent it.

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