'bread of shame' brings heartbreak

Hi all

On March 16 this year a man I'd been friends with online for a year and texted every single day and he back, cut me off and blocked me everywhere.

He is a widower from five years with a complicated past and living with his adult child. Anyway, to cut to the chase I was helping him with money and

before you roll your eyes up into your head-----this man and I have many friends in common and he has a public profile, he is known where he is from in

the media. This isn't one of those stranger scammer stories. However even the best of us when down can take advantage! He never asked for money

but the closer we became as friends the more I cared and it was impossible to find out he was living on packet noodles so I sent him money- over

the year 2000 dollars. But he would always maintain we were just friends and said he was not at all romantically interested or available. Yet he knew I

have been separated and lonely because I told him from the start I am vulnerable. In my gut I felt my giving money was like "the bread of shame'

because I was doing it in expectation of love in return.

So in March I started to think to myself how can I be his friend knowing its unrequited yet he flirts a lot making me feel its more and accepts money from

me? He would text me everyday first thing in the morning....I became VERY ATTACHED after a year of that kind of attention. But I can't afford to keep

giving money and will he lose interest once I stop.....guess what foolish me did? I contacted his work via email to see if they

could assist him and asked if they knew he was in financial straits? That is why he blocked me.

Then I did the terrible thing of creating fake email accounts and facebook accounts etc to make contact and go from boiler bunny angry insane to

promises of undying love haha

forever EVER again. He has since kept his promise.

About two weeks ago - FINALLY- I decided I'd lost my mind and I needed to stop trying to get him back and start on working on my own happiness which

is clearly lacking. At the same time I set up a new gmail account and told him as he had been my best friend who I'd grown to love I was having a very

hard time with the blocking and would he mind leaving this one little door a bit open so I can say hello once in a while even though I didn't expect a

response. Because by now I'd created 5 separate fake gmail accounts each that had been deleted by me after each had been blocked one by one- but

never straight away. He'd wait until I'd say something negative before blocking....like he was still communicating but in silence.

FINALLY my question is and by the way if you've read this far you should receive a medal of honour and a diploma in mental health !

.......he keeps reading the couple of messages I've written in last couple of weeks but doesn't block. I can tell he reads my messages

because when he does a little icon drops below my message. I stopped sending any messages last 5 days (some kind of record for me)

and today sent several but the little icon has not dropped below them which means he's read them but not blocked me and doesn't care

for me to know he's read them. That can only mean he now feels sorry for me so neither gives notification of reading or blocks.

Should I delete this last account and be done with it and walk the other way or is that the stupidest question you've ever heard? haha

I feel if I delete it he will think I'm upset and even if he doesn't care I don't want to take any further action- yet if I don't I will keep

checking as I have little self control when it comes to matters of the heart.

I am 45 - I KNOW - I should behave in accordance with my age.

I am just still in love with him and it doesn't seem to want to go away.

Any and all advice is humbly accepted. 0x

Oh my goodness.I will try and say this without belittling you. This man has not, nor was ever in love with you, he took advantage of your kindness. He knew that in order to keep the money flowing, he would need to send you insincere kindness. He used you.

Fast forward to now, he is no longer interested in even your money and does not want anything to do with you. Perhaps him not blocking straight away is him being busy or not getting around to blocking, either way, he is not interested in knowing you.

You really really need to pick your self esteem back up and your self worth back up and get the heck away from this man before he contacts authorities. And yes, even online, people can complain about being harassed and can proceed with it should they grow tired of it or become angry with it. You are pushing your limits.

I can't imagine that you feel good about any of this. There are so many other men in this world who would love this kind of attention, but would also love to give it back to you.

Please, for the sake of your sanity and your health, move on, realize your worth once more, and find another man who will want you around.

Sadiecee,

You have a very unusual logic. When you realized that this man was only talking and flirting with you to get money, you did an odd thing. Instead of saying, "See you later; I'm not your personal bank account," you attempted to factor the money problem out of the situation altogether by calling his job and asking them to give him money. I guess you hoped that in this way, you would still receive his attention, but someone else would be paying for it. Clever, but off the mark.

What you should have done then, and should do now, is say to yourself, "This guy was using me for money. I don't need people like that in my life," and then move on without him. Forget all this nonsense about the 5 google accounts and him reading or not reading the emails that you send. Your best bet is to eliminate him, and others like him, from your life so that you have a chance to find a genuinely nice person who won't take advantage.

Dear SherrySher,

Thank you for taking the time to knock some sense into my head about self esteem. You are absolutely right, I have humiliated myself.

It is still hard for me to believe that he used me for money. I mean it seems obvious to everyone else but to me I think could it not be

they are sincerely in trouble, but then why stay angry after offering so much help if he was a true friend ..anyway its a moot point now.

Just still can't believe anyone would do that unless ruthlessly desperate. I am in continuous shock because he is a father and has standing

in community- its just so cut throat.

You haven't belittled me, just honest and in a positive way. Thanks, Sincerely.:star:

You are going to obsess over him for as long as you have that gmail account you've been watching like a hawk and over analyzing. Before he sues you for harassment, do yourself a favor and delete that account as well, without informing him of it. Sever all ties with him, or I don't see this ending well for you.

You are obsessed, this is not love, it's an unrequited obsession, the kind that has inspired many Lifetime movies. It's unhealthy and scary, and even if a man sincerely wanted to give you a chance romantically, he would run for the hills at the first sight of this side of your personality. Nevermind a man who never wanted anything romantic with you, who was clear with you about his intentions and who only used you because you pretty much forced him to accept your money. You tried buying a person, do you realize how wrong that is? This kind of gestures will never, ever, ever land you a relationship, but it will always end up with you getting used and made a fool out of. Surely you want better for yourself?

Delete the gmail account; stop looking him up on social media; stop making fake accounts; and last but definitely not least, get thee to a doctor and ask for help, your doctor should be able to send you to the right specialist who will be able to help you, with the right type of counseling and medication. Do this before you get in some kind of trouble with the law, because once you have a criminal file on record, it's forever.

because I was doing it in expectation of love in return.

You cannot pay someone to fall in love with you.

Contacting his work about his pay... ?! You had no right to do that. Do you even know how much he gets paid? He may not get paid much, or he could just have poor money management skills. You could have caused a lot of trouble for him.

You are lucky that he hasn't contacted the police. Creating multiple accounts to speak to him, that he continues to block, is just plain obsessive. You knew from the beginning that he was only in your money, he made it clear. You were just trying to convince yourself that he must have wanted more. You need to accept that he does not share your feelings and you need to respect that he does not want to talk to you. Stop trying to contact him, stop analysing how he reads your messages but hasn't responded or blocked you again. If he wanted to get in contact, he would have.

Dear Jibralta,

That made me laugh when you pointed out my screwed up logic! I hadn't perceived it that way at all but now

that you explain it - I must have been totally off balance. Still reeling over it all.

I wonder if he was so furious to never want to speak again because I kind of called him out on his mooching ways....

Anyway, thank you very much for taking the time to reply. Looks like its a unanimous vote that I was taken for a fool.

THANKS AGAIN.

Thanks Greta96,

Actually I am seeing a doctor for depression, or have set it up and starting soon.

I am menopausal- not that that is ANY excuse for my behaviour. My marriage split up,

being isolated- its all taken its toll.

But I would never hurt a fly and love all the animals at my place where I have a horse and alpacas and my old beautiful dog.

I have mental problems and very low self esteem I realise but I would never ever just keep going forever . I do burn out

- I just have an obsession with fixing things. And I tend to think the best of people. This is why I sytill can't believe he used me.

I prefer to think he just wanted to end the one-side relations.

Thanks for your reply.

True Story,

This is why I call it "the bread of shame"...I know full well what I did was wrong.

I know the difference between true giving and giving with expectation.

Thanks for getting that and reminding me of the wrong I have done in all of this- believe it or not it

helps.

PS: only thing didn't know was he was only in it for the money!

he may have sincerely wanted my friendship and sincerely appreciated my monetary help- i still am unsure of that one.

No-one has explained to me why they think otherwise- i mean as far as friendship goes not romance.

I'm sorry OP but he was totally using you for money. You don't have to be a stranger to be scammed, and he totally used your nature against you.

Your post is very honest, Sadie. Yes, your kindness was taken advantage of, but on the other hand loneliness is a dreadfully bad advisor. You will not be the first, nor the last, to be scammed and deceived in this manner. You mentioned that this individual had a "complicated past", so maybe not as clearcut as one might think.

The others give you good advice.

Unfortunately being vunerable and lonely can predispose even the nicest or smart people into getting scammed. Cut your losses and disengage even though all that emotional and finacial investment makes you want to throw good money after bad rather than endure the pain that you were scammed like this.

I sent him money- over the year 2000 dollars. I was having a very hard time with the blocking

You could have caused a lot of trouble for him.

 

In honesty, I actually think contacting his work was a good move, from an objective point, because a) he was using the OP for money, which is not something anyone decent does and he deserves to be humiliated for it, b) it made him block her which has given the OP a strong dose of reality regarding what was going on, and has stopped him using her for money.

But I agree that she needs to cut herself off from him right now before he takes retaliation.

In honesty, I actually think contacting his work was a good move, from an objective point, because a) he was using the OP for money, which is not something anyone decent does and he deserves to be humiliated for it, b) it made him block her which has given the OP a strong dose of reality regarding what was going on, and has stopped him using her for money.

 

But I agree that she needs to cut herself off from him right now before he takes retaliation.

I'd be careful about the 'deserve' statement. It's the same warped rationale that a stalker could use for contacting your employer because he views no response to the expensive flowers he sends as acceptance--so now you 'deserve' this further intrusion into your life?

There's nothing safe or sane about crossing that line whether the recipient is an innocent who trashed flowers or a villain who cashed checks. Feeling ripped off is why we have the court system, and any support for a vigilante move into invasion of privacy can encourage the wrong reader into the wrong side of that court system--or worse.

Sadiecee, you're not in love with the guy. You're in love with the fantasies you've built 'about' the man in your own mind. I'm glad you're seeking professional help, because you're likely a lovely person who needs some reality testing by an objective therapist.

What's the cause of your isolation? Do you work, have friends or family? You need to tip your perceptions back into reality, and you can make that easier by involving yourself with other people in any way, shape or form that does not include being alone with a computer.

As an introvert, my default is to want peaceful solitude. While I cater to that at times, I've found it easier to keep myself balanced by viewing my time with others as being about them, not me. This can prevent you from feeling like a taker when your nature is to give. So give, but start with your Self. The kinder you can be to yourself, the better you can model for others the kind of self care you hope to see them emulate and enjoy for themselves.

I'd also skip the idea of trying to figure out whether the guy used you. You both got something out of the deal, and it's unfortunate that it was so expensive for you to learn why buying love doesn't work. But that's stuff your therapist can help you work through.

Meanwhile, step away from the email and stop pursuing the man. He allowed you to build the kind of fantasy that could have gotten you arrested for contacting his employer, and it could still land you in court if you don't back off and leave the guy alone. Every email you send can be traced back to your IP address and can build a case against you--so stop. Breathe. Get yourself outside, preferably with someone else, and if you have no companions, sign up for some volunteer work to become someone else's.

Head high.

"have been separated and lonely..."

One is indeed in a vulnerable place at such a time, Sadie. You were unfortunate to come upon what is essentially a con-man.

He had a job, therefore not living on packet noodles, and yet he took your money.

"have been separated and lonely..."

 

One is indeed in a vulnerable place at such a time, Sadie. You were unfortunate to come upon what is essentially a con-man.

He had a job, therefore not living on packet noodles, and yet he took your money.

While loneliness and vulnerability can invite predators, you wouldn't walk up to a homeless person on the street, hold your wallet open as an offering to him or her, and use the statement, "I'm lonely and vulnerable right now, so please only take what you need from me..." as your only protection from being emptied of all your funds.

Sure, accepting the money you offered was a douchebag move that eventually made you feel lousy--but your response to that in contacting his employer was off the charts wrong, and it could have landed you in jail.

So while we can all be sympathetic to your story, I think it's smarter for us all to keep your focus on your own behavior--not his. You've already crossed a serious line of intrusion that could still end up costing you a police record, so getting cajoled into viewing this man as a con artist and allowing yourself to be prompted into seeing him as victimizing you would not be a brilliant idea unless and until you're in the safety of a therapist's office with someone trained to help you reconcile this experience.

Until then, you can view him any way you wish if it will prevent you from further reactivity until you can get the help you need. Meanwhile, stop contacting him regardless of how you view him, because the risk of landing yourself in police contact is very high.

Write more if it helps, and head high.

Thank you for your reply agent and I will take it on board but as I am thinking more and more I am just as much , if not more to blame. Blame those is useless isn't it? So I will say if he used me I equally used him hence the bread of shame. A lesson to learn and all these replies are helping immensely.

loneliness is a dreadfully bad advisor.

Thanks Hermes and the complicated past point just adds even more to an equation of sad emotional disaster.

Thanks Wiseman2 , I did have a cut off point in my head. I give money to charity regularly and people on the street but I never feel shamed by it.

Of course you don't feel shamed by giving to charity or to a person in need on the street. That is a different situation altogether as there is no personal involvement of the type you describe in your OP.

Look, Sadie, you made a mistake, and there is no one who does not make a mistake now and then. Pity it cost you the 2000, but anyway.....

In honesty, I actually think contacting his work was a good move, from an objective point, because a) he was using the OP for money, which is not something anyone decent does and he deserves to be humiliated for it, b) it made him block her which has given the OP a strong dose of reality regarding what was going on, and has stopped him using her for money.

 

But I agree that she needs to cut herself off from him right now before he takes retaliation.

That agent was my objective actually , hate to say- relieve the pressure for me and get at the truth of situation.

I am going to add some information at this point so people are clear when I say I emailed his work, it will shed

a whole new light. The man I love (d)is a musician and has no job and no bank account and lives in a lawless part

of the world. The person I contacted is his new management and I found out after everything that he pays THEM to

put his music on radio so no doubt I was financing some shortfall. A friend of mine said I was being more his manager haha

So in my mind at the time I felt a certain right to contact them, also because I actually believe they are a scam company!

OH BOY now as I'm writing this I think what was I thinking?

Hey Sadie. Amazing when one writes out something and reads it back to oneself the amazing clarity it brings. L.

I got a sort of feeling from your first posts and your mention of "media" that this man was perhaps either a musician, presenter or actor or something like that.

Don't beat yourself up OP. People have fallen for FAR worse spins that this one.

I'd be careful about the 'deserve' statement. It's the same warped rationale that a stalker could use for contacting your employer because he views no response to the expensive flowers he sends as acceptance--so now you 'deserve' this further intrusion into your life?

 

There's nothing safe or sane about crossing that line whether the recipient is an innocent who trashed flowers or a villain who cashed checks. Feeling ripped off is why we have the court system, and any support for a vigilante move into invasion of privacy can encourage the wrong reader into the wrong side of that court system--or worse.

 

Sadiecee, you're not in love with the guy. You're in love with the fantasies you've built 'about' the man in your own mind. I'm glad you're seeking professional help, because you're likely a lovely person who needs some reality testing by an objective therapist.

 

What's the cause of your isolation? Do you work, have friends or family? You need to tip your perceptions back into reality, and you can make that easier by involving yourself with other people in any way, shape or form that does not include being alone with a computer.

 

As an introvert, my default is to want peaceful solitude. While I cater to that at times, I've found it easier to keep myself balanced by viewing my time with others as being about them, not me. This can prevent you from feeling like a taker when your nature is to give. So give, but start with your Self. The kinder you can be to yourself, the better you can model for others the kind of self care you hope to see them emulate and enjoy for themselves.

 

I'd also skip the idea of trying to figure out whether the guy used you. You both got something out of the deal, and it's unfortunate that it was so expensive for you to learn why buying love doesn't work. But that's stuff your therapist can help you work through.

 

Meanwhile, step away from the email and stop pursuing the man. He allowed you to build the kind of fantasy that could have gotten you arrested for contacting his employer, and it could still land you in court if you don't back off and leave the guy alone. Every email you send can be traced back to your IP address and can build a case against you--so stop. Breathe. Get yourself outside, preferably with someone else, and if you have no companions, sign up for some volunteer work to become someone else's.

 

Head high.

WOW catfeeder, thanks! What an amazing post and so helpful!

If you read back to my reply to agent you will see he is unemployed so i didn't contact his employer but his bogus management

that were supposed to give him an advance on album completion which I kept asking him (before I made contact) if they had done.

Each time he hinted he was starving I'd ask "have you contacted your MGT? about advance - have you told them you are going without? and he'd say "no not yet but I will" Finally I contacted them on his behalf....interestingly they NEVER replied! I told him from the start when he showed me their contract and asked me if he should sign it that I thought they were scammers. But to find out he was paying them! arghhhhhhhh Had I known that when he was eating noodles I would have said - go find yourself another packet!

Anyway, thank you all for your generous and caring and thoughtful and kind replies. It means the world to me, it lifts a great weight off my shoulders because I've had no-one to talk to about this travesty of affairs this whole time! I had gone to see my doctor and briefly mentioned it to him when he set me up for psychologist sessions for depression so I was going to discuss it with them.

THANK YOU 000xxx

Hey Sadie. Amazing when one writes out something and reads it back to oneself the amazing clarity it brings. L.

 

I got a sort of feeling from your first posts and your mention of "media" that this man was perhaps either a musician, presenter or actor or something like that.

 

Don't beat yourself up OP. People have fallen for FAR worse spins that this one.

Hi Hermes,

Absolutely. I hope I learn from all of this to trust my instincts and never again let my heart rule my head when it comes to finances.

Thank you