Dating a single mother for the first time...

We are both women and she is a great person. She is very stable, trustworthy and knows what she wants which are all things I LOVE about her. She has a 10 year old son. I didn't know if I wanted to date someone with a child, but I am great with kids (I teach) and so I thought, what the heck.

We didn't know how we would be able to have a relationship logistically because we live 30 min apart, her son has never seen her in a relationship with anyone other than with his other mother but they were never affectionate in front of him, she has a really hectic job, few people she can leave her son with, etc.

We have been trying to date for three months. I have built an amazing relationship with her son. I put a lot of effort into this because I knew it was vital and so important for her.

However, on the flip side, I hardly get alone time with her and I hardly talk to her during the day because she is so busy. I had hoped that she would advocate for more alone time with me to build the girlfriend/romantic side of our relationship but that hasn't been happening. I am far more emotional than she is and so if we don't spend a lot of time, I at least want us to have a strong emotional connection, but since she isn't expressive emotionally, that isn't really happening either.

Most of the time I spend with her is with her son watching sports because that is his passion. She now has family in town that can watch him which has excited me because I thought that would mean much more time for us but actually, we have been spending less time together because her family is at her house and I have been talking to her less.

I have voiced my concerns to her multiple times but I don't think she knows how to be more emotional and for whatever reason, she doesn't make efforts to have her son taken care of so we can have alone time. We have only spent the night together once in three months.

I have been really trying to be a great gf and be very understanding and every time I talk to her and tell her the same thing, she is surprised because to her she is very committed and "all in" and this is going well for her. She has someone in her life that gets along great with her son and with her family....

Part of me doesn't know if I'm off base and expecting too much but I feel that I'm asking for very little!!! She knows I have shown up 150% for her and her son...

I just know I can't stay in an emotionally unexpressive, not physical relationship that doesn't seem like a priority to her. I have been trying to say, "I know she's a mom. I know her job is crazy..." but I am still here and I still have my own wants and desires as well.

It's a really hard situation because I hate to let someone go that I'm so attracted to and who is SO stable and trustworthy...

At 3 months, it's WAY too early to introduce someone to their child. She should be getting to know you, investing time and making sure you will be a fit mother/partner. So that's a red flag.

And because of above, she is unable to FOCUS on you and invest ONE ON ONE TIME. Which is exactly what's needed in order to build a relationship/connection.

Sounds to me like you value quality time, and she is giving you NONE. So what you need to do is talk to her, tell her how important it is for you 2 to be together and then....sit back and watch her actions. Initiate one on one once or twice in few weeks and then just count the # of time she does it. Give it a month and if it doesn't change, give her last warning before you end the relationship.

Few things you need to consider before dating single mothers. Will you be able to be #2 and #2 only, a none priority or 2nd priority in a persons life. This is crucial. To me, it's a no go. I'm either a priority/relationship is either a priority or it's not.

And you can't really expect her to make you a priority either, cause that would make her a bad mother, wouldn't it? HOWEVER, a decent/smart person will be willing and consider making their relationship a priority (IN TIME

If I'm ever single, you are darn right relationship will be my priority IN TIME (figure 2 years or so). My priority has always been being a husband then being a father. In that order.

So yeah.....

My opinion is, a child should never be introduced to a SO, unless you're in a well established/long term relationship. Otherwise, there's a huge risk of unfairly confusing the child, especially if the relationship is short lived.

In any event, this woman seems to have too much on her plate to be dating at this time. I would move on....

DoF - thank you. I REALLY appreciate your advice... Here's the thing... I absolutely expect her son to come first and I have told her that from the beginning. However, I haven't felt comfortable initiating dates because it's completely dependent on her ability to find a babysitter (well, not anymore because she has her family in town). So, I asked her a month ago if we can have at least one date night a week and she said she can make that work and that was before her family could watch her son... we have gone on two actual alone dates since then. I haven't even seen her at all this week at the only reason I am seeing her tonight is because I told her that this is REALLY hard for me and it's not working to never have time and that we are hardly communicating... I have told her MANY times when I need...

Thank you HeartGoesOn. That is what I told her too. I said, let's just for now sadly let it go because you just don't have the time... but she doesn't want to.

Soul Sister, while I agree that she shouldn't have introduced you to her son so soon...the fact is. She did and you can't "un meet" him at this point, LOL!

It sounds like you've done everything you can to make this work, you've told her your frustrations, etc. Does her son's other mother have any custody or does your GF have sole custody? I'm a single mom and I only go on dates when my ex husband has our son.

You two sound more like friends, than lovers and barely that if you have no alone time with her.

It just seems like a mismatch.

You've voiced your needs and concerns and they haven't been addressed.

Yes, dating a mother is challenging but there is a way for her to make time for you that doesn't compromise the time with her son, if she chooses too.

I just don't see it happening.

Thank you guys. She has custody. The other mother has just recently been in his life again and she lives in So Cal... She sees him a few times a year.

I have been trying very hard to give her a break because I know how hard it is for her but in my mind, if I really wanted my current relationship and I know my gf has been putting in SO MUCH effort into coming into my world, I would think I would be doing everything in my power to show her and tell her how much she means in me an any way that I could. Get a babysitter once a week if possible. Come to her house if I had time to break away from work... Schedule a weekend away here and there. Her family is in town and so now we can do an overnight but the only overnights that are on the books are overnight with her family where we will all be there and I have to sleep in a room with her and her son... That just isn't my idea of a new relationship

I think you both may be over using the excuse that she's a mom for your relationship to not be developing.

I am a mom and was single when they were about that age. Yes, it was challenging but I didn't go three months between sleep overs.

You are also doing yourself a disservice by labeling yourself emotional - As if you have some sort of character flaw rather than a basic need that isn't being met.

Thanks, reinventmyself - I totally hear you and I believe that one can date AND be a mom if the other partner is understanding which I am... I say I'm emotional in the way that I express to someone when I miss them, they are beautiful, I adore them, I am thinking about them. I do this freely and I love making someone feel special. She is not verbally emotionally expressive in this way. Her lack of willingness to have alone time with me is not because she can't do it. That is why I wonder if she even wants the relationship but she says that she DOES which is why I am confused.

Thanks, reinventmyself - I totally hear you and I believe that one can date AND be a mom if the other partner is understanding which I am... I say I'm emotional in the way that I express to someone when I miss them, they are beautiful, I adore them, I am thinking about them. I do this freely and I love making someone feel special. She is not verbally emotionally expressive in this way. Her lack of willingness to have alone time with me is not because she can't do it. That is why I wonder if she even wants the relationship but she says that she DOES which is why I am confused.

I think you need to pay very close attention to what's standing directly in front of you and ask yourself some tough questions.

You've stated her disposition more than once. Are you accepting of that or are you hoping for change?

If it's the childcare you believe is the challenge are you prepared to wait a few years until he gets older or do you think it might be something else that prevents you two from some intimate alone time?

Because what's in front of you is exactly what you have.

You can ask for change but do you believe she can give it or is there a compromise?

Great questions. I believe that a lot of what I said is who she is. I am not sure why she won't put in extra effort for the relationship except for the fact that perhaps she is just maxed out and has nothing more to give... In which case, no... I don't want that kind of relationship. I am in their world and she is not in mine. I have changed for them to be a part of who they are... And that's fine. But I also have many other loves in life that she does not know about. She doesn't have time to know. She is running off of fumes I think.

So here's the thing.

If you are acknowledging everything you know about her and her situation and still continue to stay,

then you need to be accepting of it all. It is your choice. You can't stay and feel discontented at the same time.

(well, you could and people do all the time and make themselves miserable, right?)

Absolutely... You are right

Not that I'm a huge fan of eliciting millions of responses in order to know what's right, but I did want to know from other people that had similar experiences or are single parents if I am expecting too much

Honestly, I don't understand how she expects to develop a relationship unless she is proactive about arranging for regular - even 1/month - stays for the child at his grandparents etc.

I have a lot of independence now, as a single mom for a decade. Lately, I have been using my free weekends to focus on myself and my friends. I've never pulled off having enough alone time, friend time, manage the household time, and dating time, concurrently. There just isnt. Enough. Time.

She needs help, by switching off with friends or family or paying for a regular sitter.

Without it, she is in fact unavailable.

Ithinkican, thank you! And thank you guys for all of your great responses!!!

We spoke last night and it was really great and then her son was really mean-spirited to me all night which has never happened. And she had no idea what to do. Seems like one thing after another...