Trying to get back to where we were

This is my first post on here and I would really like some help. Here's the situation:

I had been dating this awesome girl for 3 years. We met in college and really clicked. She graduated a semester ahead of me and moved to Boston. She wanted me to move in with her after I graduated but I had student loans and couldn't afford to right away, so I elected to move back in with my parents in a different state and save money. We stayed together and I wasn't sure where I wanted to go next or what I wanted to do yet. We visited a few times over the next year but the distance did take its toll, and one day I told her maybe we should not continue dating. Of course it broke her heart and she wanted to stay together and do whatever it took. She told me she would not give up on me. After a couple weeks I started to have second thoughts because she really is someone I could see myself with. I started to think about moving up to be with her and taking that post college leap of being on my own. It was time to grow up. We continued to talk after the break up almost everyday, and she went on a trip out of the country for 2 weeks. Before she left I told her I loved her.

First half of the trip we exchange a couple messages about how the trip is going, and then all the sudden she stops talking to me. Instant red flags as that had never happened before. After she gets back she comes down to visit and tells me that she slept with someone on her trip multiple times. Tells me I broke up with her so she did nothing wrong, which I don't argue with but I told her I still loved her and wanted to be with her. I told her it broke my heart. But I can get over her sleeping with someone else.

Here's what has been hard to get over. After she came down to visit and told me that I told her I wanted to be with her. She said she didn't know what she wanted. I told her I would like to work things out and she said they can't be worked out unless I am in the same city as her. I knew I didn't want a life in the state that I was living in with my parents so I started looking at places in Boston because I have a lot of friends who live there as well, so I found a place with some friends and moved to the city. Not just for her but for myself to start my life, but I did want to be with her so I did what I should've done a long time ago.

Anyway, I find out she has been talking to this guy still overseas the whole time. There is never going to be a relationship but it bothers me. She said she liked him for a little bit but it will never work out, he's just a really good friend. I tell her I'll never be comfortable with it but I'm not going to control who she talks to. It sucks because I can get over her sleeping with him but continuing to message each other just gets me in my head so much and hurts.

When I first moved to the city things were a bit weird but we started seeing each other again and have been for about two months without being officially together. We had sex once over a month ago and after that she said she wanted to take things slow. We have streaks of about a week where things are amazing and we have a lot of fun and hang out a lot and then we get in a huge fight and the cycle starts over again. She hasn't been very intimate with me and it bothers me a lot. I feel like I'm coming on to strong but she's kissed me once in seven weeks. Every other time I kiss her. Sometimes it feels like we're never going to be intimate again. And sometimes I feel clingy when she ignores my texts even though I can see she's been on Facebook, and I ask her why she's ignoring me which just ends up in another fight of I need to stop trying to force things and just let them happen. It just feels like there's no end in sight.

I guess my question is this. How do I remain patient and let things happen? How do I deal with the lack of intimacy and create sexual tension between us? How should I deal with her continuing to talk to that other guy even though she knows it hurts me?

Any input you guys have is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!

I was JUSt going to say, when you have a good one/find a great person do your best to keep them.

Then I read on, and you didn't....and naturally she went elsewhere.

This one is a wrap. Damage is beyond repair and clearly with action she is telling you she is still into that guy.......

Next time be VERY VERY careful before you drop hints of leaving. ESPECIALLY when distance is at play. Matter a fact, never EVER allow distance between you and your loved one. IT's the ultimate relationship killer. It robs you from the companionship, and relationship NEED on daily/regular basis involvement.

Give it 3-6 months (no contact./block her) and stay away from opposite set during that time. Take time to heal/recover. Next time date someone local. Any contact =- reset of that time, so don't do it. Best advice I can give you.

It seems pretty obvious - from what you've said - that she's not willing to commit fully to you and it certainly sounds like she doesn't know what she really wants right now. Relationships do happen, and sometimes they rise so high only to quickly crash and burn, as it seems to be happening in this case. And given the information you provided about what happened after you first moved to the city, I would strongly suspect that she's already seeing someone else at the same time. Unless she's willing to commit to you fully, it's time to cut her loose and move on. It's for your self-preservation and there will always come a time in your life when you'll have to decide whether to turn the page or close the book. In this case, if you keep up the page-turning, it will only tell more stories of pain. Think about it.

I really don't think she is seeing anyone else. We have been hanging out a lot and she says she loves me. She's just hurt and wants to take things slow. I stayed with her at her parents place over the weekend and we had a great time. She says the other guy is just a friend and realistically they probably will never see each other again. I'm really trying to be patient because I have seen improvement we just have setbacks sometimes. I just think the trust isn't there right now but I don't doubt that she's trying to build it back up with me again. Things just aren't moving at a pace that I'd like them to.

Sorry but you are watching this unravel in front of your eyes from moving away to her overseas dalliances to moving back and being on/off. You may want to back off and go no contact until she gets her act together.

tells me that she slept with someone on her trip multiple times.We have streaks of about a week where things are amazing and we have a lot of fun and hang out a lot and then we get in a huge fight and the cycle starts over again.

You said "I just think the trust isn't there right now but I don't doubt that she's trying to build it back up with me again". No offense intended, but this is a classic case of 'denial'. As I said before, if you keep up the page-turning, it will only tell more stories of pain. That's exactly what you're doing right now.

I really don't think she is seeing anyone else. We have been hanging out a lot and she says she loves me. She's just hurt and wants to take things slow. I stayed with her at her parents place over the weekend and we had a great time. She says the other guy is just a friend and realistically they probably will never see each other again. I'm really trying to be patient because I have seen improvement we just have setbacks sometimes. I just think the trust isn't there right now but I don't doubt that she's trying to build it back up with me again. Things just aren't moving at a pace that I'd like them to.

Problem is, she cheated. There is no going around this problem. It will be a dark cloud over your relationship for the remainder of the relationship.

ESPECIALLY since she is doing exact opposite of "earning your trust again" right now. This is a clear action/step in the wrong direction (by her). Trust needs to be earned back if you remain with a cheater, and it takes TIME. LOTS OF TIME.

Disengage or accept dishonesty going forward.

What kind of trip was this where she met someone and slept with him multiple times within two weeks?

Why would you want to be with a person like that...

It doesn't sound as though she cheated; it DOES sound as though she was very hurt by the fact you dumped her, and has never really committed to being with you again. Some people do keep going back to partners who hurt them, but not everyone - and it seems she's moved on emotionally even if she's not in a relationship with this guy.

My guess is that she's torn between protecting herself - which is what the meeting someone new and sleeping with him is REALLY about - and wanting to keep you around because of your shared history.

I very, very much doubt you'll get back to where you were. She's got one foot out of the door.

Be good to yourself, disengage, spend a bit of time alone so you can establish yourself professionally and in the adult world - and then find yourself someone who's in the same emotional space as you.

Thank you for your advice and input guys. It was a sponsored trip where she went with a big group and met a bunch of people and one of them happened to be that guy. She said she was trying to get over me and doesn't want to be with him, just wants to be friends. I really do think she wants things to work with me. It's been months since the trip and she has put up with a lot of from me and still stuck around, but I've put up with a lot of here and I'm still here too. I've thought about no contact, I've thought about moving on, but you guys are right I am in for a world of pain if I keep page turning this. Are there things I could change in my strategy that could result in a happy ending though? Feel like I'm coming on too strong but don't want to go no contact. At least not yet.

She may not want to be with him (or can't), but she still liked him enough to sleep with him multiples times. And to stay in contact with him after. I don't think she did anything wrong at all, as you DID break up with her, but she has clearly lost feelings for you. If she was truly invested in mending your relationship, she wouldn't be staying in touch with another guy she's attracted to. But that's what she's doing. I'm sorry, but I think you need to just cut your losses and try to start working on moving on from this ASAP.

Problem is, she cheated. There is no going around this problem. It will be a dark cloud over your relationship for the remainder of the relationship.

 

ESPECIALLY since she is doing exact opposite of "earning your trust again" right now. This is a clear action/step in the wrong direction (by her). Trust needs to be earned back if you remain with a cheater, and it takes TIME. LOTS OF TIME.

 

Disengage or accept dishonesty going forward.

She didn't cheat! She was dumped!

She didn't cheat! She was dumped!

Totally this! Even 'I told her maybe we should not consider dating' - would be hell to hear. She's the one who should have the trust issues!