How do I fall out of love

Me and my fiancé are due to get married. We have had some troubles recently and feel like we have drifted apart. During this I cheated. A lad from work that I am really close to and would consider one of my best friends declared his love for me and the chemistry between us is huge. We new nothing could happen so both moved on but one problem. We work together. As me and my fiancé began to fall out I continued to hang out with the work lad and both decided to have sex just once in a hope that we are lusting over what could be and not the reality. And to be honest after I realised that marrying my fiancé was the right thing to do. I know most of you wont get this but I felt that if it didn't happen now it would happen when I was married. I needed to answer the what if. And it felt like a weight had been lifted. My fiancé doesn't know as it would hurt him more to know and there is no chance of him finding out. My issue now is how do I go on seeing the lad at work who I have deep feeling for and who I know has deep feelings for me although we are in a mutual decision that nothing could happen and will not ever happen again. My actions make me a but I somehow feel heart broken. Please don't comment just to have a go at me. I know where I have done wrong.

You are not over this guy and getting married to your fiance would be disastrous. You need to carefully reflect why things have 'drifted apart' with your fiance and why you continue to want this other guy. If you are going to walk down the aisle pining for this other guy it's not fair to you or your fiance regardless if he is unaware of the cheating.

My issue now is how do I go on seeing the lad at work who I have deep feeling for and who I know has deep feelings for me

You go through it, you are more concerned about your "lad" at work than about feelings of your husband... congratulations...

Maybe you should talk to your husband, he will eventually find out (especially if that other guy is in love with you) and this will just break his heart further. There is good podcast about cheating on art of manliness if you want to hear before the talk, that woman was doing research on this stuff.

Woah, I completely understand your situation and actually feel for you as although what you did was wrong you have a conscience and are clearly upset about it otherwise you wouldn't have posted the story on here.

Ok, firstly, depending on what the challenges are in your relationship are these fundamental or are they something that can be resolved?

Secondly, working with this guy isn't going to be easy as the temptation is still there and like you say you have deep chemistry - more so than with your fiancé?

As a side note, I don't think you can say there isn't a chance he wouldn't find out as there is always a chance either from yourself, from him, from a mutual friend etc so saying that is a little naive.

Have a think to yourself, what do you ultimately want, I mean really want? I don't think going into your marriage with such a deep secret as that is healthy but others would say one discretion and if you're deeply sorry you'd put everything, your entire being into your marriage.

When are you due to marry?

Ok...not having a go at you, but.....you've got to see the problem here. You get married, have a falling out for a few weeks/months with your husband, you continue to see this guy at work, and......I think you are setting yourself up to fail here.

Dont marry your husband, it wouldnt be fair to him.

I know if I got married, then found after the fact that my wife had slept with another man while we were engaged.....I'd be devastated.

Here is your step plan:

- Find another job ASAP

- break up with your fiance ASAP -lets face is, you are not ready for marriage and he is not the one. You also don't deserve him at all

- break up and never speak to the guy at work

- take at least a year to recover and reflect on your mistakes. No opposite sex contact.

NOTHING good will ever come of staying with NEITHER of them.

- if you stay with your fiance, your relationship will be full of remorse and dishonest. Trust has been broken.

- if you stay with the guy at work, perfect set up for failure. Think about it, he already knows you are a cheater. You will do it to him. And he is the type of guy that dates women that are involved? Not a smart man any way you cut it.

You really need to fix yourself. There is a LOT of work to do. And changing is HARD and it takes TIME.

Remember this, while in a relationship it's YOUR responsibility to stay away from ANY opposite sex and especially people you have attraction to. Look, I love my wife (of 20 years), best thing that has ever happened and am in a great marriage/happy. There are days I walk by some random lady and I feel something......first thing I do is RUN, FAST AND FAR. By remaining, you introduce risk. And whenever you are around opposite sex for extended period of time (heck even ones you don't feel attraction for).....NATURE IS A STRONG FORCE that will take it's course. So it's YOUR job to stay away.

Also, dating at work (even if you were single) is a HUGE no no. You put your career/job on the line and you open up your entire workplace to your personal life.......and in time things will get weird and akward (like they are about to now and have been). There is many other things as well. Just don't do it.

Good luck

My fiancé also sees the issues in our relationship and we have had some serious talks. We are selling our house and moving closer to where we grew up and going to go on more dates etc. We are both determined to get back to how we used to be and it is all both of us want. I think part of what happened is me being scared to death of getting married as I am only 23. And the lad at work is living the young free life. I spoke to my mom about that (not the cheating) and she said its normal and just the wedding blues. I just have so much chemistry with the friend at work and on the one hand think I need to cut all ties but on the other apart from that one night he has been one of the best friends I've ever had and get on so well. (He has got back with his ex that he was with for 4 years if that makes any difference). I'm playing with fire but don't want to loose the friendship.

Prob No 1... You ar engaged.

Prob No 2... this is a lad.. from your work.

prob No 3.... you cheated with him.

"My issue now is how do I go on seeing the lad at work who I have deep feeling for and who I know has deep feelings for me although we are in a mutual decision that nothing could happen and will not ever happen again. My actions make me a but I somehow feel heart broken. Please don't comment just to have a go at me. I know where I have done wrong."

- You KNOW where you have gone wrong.. yet you're willing to keep going??

YOU have to back off and deal with your fience and your relationship there. NOT jump into this.... 'lustful' liason.. geeze.

YOU are presently engaged! Stop messing around and deal with that!

IF you are no longer 'happy' then say so.. and move out & away from your fience. Then take a good 6+ months to yourself to work on accepting that choice & heal.

At that point, then maybe consider dating again.. but best NOT to get involved with co-workers.. ouch!

Before you dig deeper in this hole (which is just lust).. I suggest YOU reconsider what you're doing here.

My fiancé also sees the issues in our relationship and we have had some serious talks. We are selling our house and moving closer to where we grew up and going to go on more dates etc. We are both determined to get back to how we used to be and it is all both of us want. I think part of what happened is me being scared to death of getting married as I am only 23. And the lad at work is living the young free life. I spoke to my mom about that (not the cheating) and she said its normal and just the wedding blues. I just have so much chemistry with the friend at work and on the one hand think I need to cut all ties but on the other apart from that one night he has been one of the best friends I've ever had and get on so well. (He has got back with his ex that he was with for 4 years if that makes any difference). I'm playing with fire but don't want to loose the friendship.

Friendship? Second there is attraction, there is no friendship. He is simply pretending (and so are you) to get to the bed.

You are being extremely selfish, inconsiderate and dishonest. If you love your fiance, you would tell him the truth and end it.

And if you remain with the "lad from work", you will fail miserably at that relationship as well. Mostly because you are broken and need to fix yourself LONG LONG LONG before you get involved with ANYONE again.

Take time off, you need it. OR live with the consequences (which WILL be quite disastrous in time, mark my words).

"I spoke to my mom about that (not the cheating) and she said its normal and just the wedding blues"

- I feel.. IF you were truly 'happy'.. there would be NO 'Blues'.

NEVER compare your life to anyone elses.

IF you're not ready to marry.. then admit it!

DoF. What you say is what is terrifying me. Marriage to me is about two people living a life together but with there own friendship groups and hobbies. I am not going to close my eyes every time a male is near or tattoo 'I am married' on my forehead. That is my worst nightmare and my fiancé thinks the same. He has single female friends and I think that is healthy. Quitting my job is also not an option as I work with a child in care and I am not prepared to leave untill she has gone into foster care at least

My 'seeing' in my original post I meant physically seeing not having a relationship. That was one night that is not reoccuring not a length fling or affair

Agree you are not ready to marry on so many levels. Being in love with this other guy and cheating are only symptoms of that.

being scared to death of getting married And the lad at work is living the young free life.

Wedding blues??? It should be bliss! Dont marry if your not ready.

When you play with fire....you get burned. You know this friend at work is a problem for you with your emotions. Eventually, the fact you cheated on your fiance is going to eat you up inside...but you've got to cut the friend at work off NOW if you want to salvage this relationship with your fiance. And you need to tell your fiance what you did. No good will come from trying to keep it to yourself, it'll fester....that's how secrets and lies work.

DoF. What you say is what is terrifying me. Marriage to me is about two people living a life together but with there own friendship groups and hobbies. I am not going to close my eyes every time a male is near or tattoo 'I am married' on my forehead. That is my worst nightmare and my fiancé thinks the same. He has single female friends and I think that is healthy. Quitting my job is also not an option as I work with a child in care and I am not prepared to leave untill she has gone into foster care at least

You are NOT a long term relationship material NOR are you ready for marriage.

DO NOT PROCEED FORWARD.

Have your fun and do what you want.......maybe later down the road time will come when you want to consider marriage, but it sounds like marriage/long term relationship is NOT for you.

So stop leading on your fiance and playing games. Be honest with yourself and people around you. OR you will end up with bunch of liars and dishonest people.

DoF. What you say is what is terrifying me. Marriage to me is about two people living a life together but with there own friendship groups and hobbies. I am not going to close my eyes every time a male is near or tattoo 'I am married' on my forehead. That is my worst nightmare and my fiancé thinks the same. He has single female friends and I think that is healthy. Quitting my job is also not an option as I work with a child in care and I am not prepared to leave untill she has gone into foster care at least

Absolutely you should be able to have your own friends and hobbies . Most married people have their own friends and hobbies . But this has gone far beyond friendship . It doesn't sound like you're ready to marry at this time .

I do feel ready for a long term relationship. We have been living together for over 3 years and bought a house together. Never cheated in my life and never even thought about it. It's only the last few months where everything has become confusing

Roseanne.

What do you mean "never cheated in my life", when in your original post you say

"During this I cheated. "

Very confusing.....

But honey you DID cheat.

Roseanna....don't you think things "have become confusing" in large part because of this work friend?

I'm just going to say it....because I know how absolutely devastated I'd be....you've had another man inside you, willingly, while you were engaged to another man. You may feel ready and you can tell yourself you're ready, you can tell yourself it was a one time thing, you can tell yourself it would never happen again.....but you are putting yourself in a situation where it could very well happen again.

Do you think you'd be able to live with yourself knowing you were with another man, but married your fiance anyway? You might be able to for a while, convincing yourself for a short time. You have to see how emotionally toxic this is going to be for all involved.

I meant up to the last few months

Okay but the last few months are HUGE issues. Would you want your fiancé to keep this from you ?