Is monogamy realistic anymore?

Maybe it's my mood, maybe I'm jaded - but today I came across a comment someone had made about monogamy being outdated. It made my heart sink.

I'm one of the "hopeful" ones - I really enjoy the idea of spending the rest of my life with the same person, someone who really has gotten to know me and vice versa, and someone I can trust. I understand that commitment doesn't come without its hardships, but I've never been a quitter. I can't fathom cheating with someone else - and I've been through utter garbage in relationships, but I always leave before I even think of cheating.

But time and time again, it seems like the people around me and relationships I've been in have been a huge letdown. One friend just got back with a husband she divorced a year ago, and she is still in love with her boss. My best friend hits up Tinder for his little flings here and there. I have been in three serious relationships, and while all three girls had claimed they wanted monogamy, none of them acted like it in the end and I discovered I wasn't the only man in their lives, while my eyes and heart were only for them.

I had always looked to my parents' relationship as a model - they're still married after 3 dozen years, but sometimes I get the feeling my dad isn't faithful to my mom, judging by how he brags to her about all the young girls that talk to him and hug him etc at the bar.

Then I read stuff like this - that monogamy just isn't realistic anymore. I understand there are people who are in open relationships and that works for them, and I don't judge - that's fine for them. But is there really a place for people like myself anymore? I feel like I was born in the wrong era, or in a world I have no place in anymore, and it's depressing.

Again, maybe I'm just moody, but I feel kinda hopeless right now and wonder what your thoughts are.

Monogamy has been around forever and will be around forever, biological fact of life. Not all people (or should we talk about species? lol) practice monogamy, that's ok, it doesn't work for them. Not all people have been successful at it.

Rise above trendy mores and cynicism and know what's right for you. Yes, in the battle-area we call love and finding a mate many have come out bruised and sworn off being hurt by what they believe was the cause. No, it's not some romanticized ideal to grow old together...happens everyday in everyday life.

After two failed marriages due to their infidelity, and other assorted failed relationships, I really have lost all faith in monogamy and especially in the institution of marriage. Admittedly, I am jaded as f***. I know that, but that's where I am with it. When I said my vows, I meant them. My partners did not. Nearly everyone I know is divorced, and usually due to infidelity. It's really sad. Like you my parents are still together and have been for nearly 60 years, since they were 14. It's rare to see relationships like that anymore. Marriages, relationships, *people*... all are viewed as disposable and replaceable these days. Nothing seems to be forever.

I think there are very few people who know what a healthy, monogamous relationship even looks like these days, much less know how to be in one. And even if you are one of those people, the chances of finding another person who is also that way are slim to none. You and I are both proof of that.

As a man, I know monogamy is what I want ultimately. I lost my virginity to the woman I married. We finally divorced and I didn't really know what to do because I thought when I married, this is it. I tried having "just sex" but it made me feel a way I didn't want to feel about myself. I finally found a woman last year, and that thing in my mind clicked....this is who I want to be the last woman I'm with, the last woman I sleep with.

Yeah, that....didn't work out either.

Now with custody of my kids, exwife finally getting regular visitation again, with my exgirlfriend (whom I thought I'd marry eventually) about to give birth to my new baby girl....sex/monogamy/relationships, eh, they just aren't something I can let myself worry about anymore. I'm too busy now, have no hope for a relationship any time soon.

I guess my point is....monogamy, feeling like a partner/companion to someone, a team, friends, etc....that's what makes the sex great. That feeling of knowing you'd do anything for the person you're with, knowing you'd never want to hurt them, never want someone else....where you just want to give them the world.....that's where the great sex comes in. Anything like one night stands or sex just for sex, its so unfulfilling, just leaves an emptiness.

Look into R vs K reproductive strategies and how it applies to human mating.

I can't promise it won't depress you further, but it will at the very least be educational.

I've been married for 30 years to the same man, so yes monogamy is alive and well. Most people I know have been married a long time. Sure, there are those who can't maintain a relationship married or not, and I believe monogamy will be around for a long time to come.

Monogamy is totally alive and well, I promise you.

For me, monogamy is quite possible AND realistic. That's not the case for everyone, though. For me, it's not so much about sex with one person for the rest of my life -- it's about having one person with whom I can deeply connect -- mentally, emotionally AND physically -- and who can connect with me. When I have that, I can't even think about or look at anyone else. It took me years (and quite a bit of heartbreak), but I finally found that, and now that I have it, I can't imagine giving it up. Now, if he decides somewhere down the road that he doesn't want to do monogamy anymore, I'll have to move on, but...I don't see that happening. I'd say it's even LESS likely that he'd suddenly decide he wants to be non-monogamous than it would be for me to decide that.

It IS possible -- technically, everyone IS capable of it. I think it's a cop-out for people to say "Humans aren't meant to be monogamous" or "Monogamy in humans isn't reasonable." It's just a matter of whether, ultimately, they WANT it. I do, and many others do too. They're out there. You just have to be selective. Of course, there are no guarantees, but...there are a lot of people who truly WANT to commit themselves to one person and who will work hard to make that happen.

I'm all for everyone conducting his or her life as he or she chooses, as long as everyone knows the score. It's terribly unfair -- and cruel -- to pretend to be into monogamy just to reel someone in and then turn around and cheat. If someone told me upfront, "Hey, I really like you, but I'm not a one-woman man. I need to have variety," I'd be out of there, like, yesterday. At the same time, I'd appreciate the honesty. That's all I ask -- if you want to play the field, say so. Just don't deceive people into believing you want something you don't.

Anyway...to answer your question more succinctly: Yes, monogamy IS possible. Not everyone wants it, though, and some people, even if they want it in theory, are really, really bad at it in practice -- like my last ex, who has always *said* he wanted a committed relationship, but once he's in one (with me or anyone else), his eye and mind start to wander -- like there's always something else, something potentially "better," that he's missing out on. No thanks. Glad that one got away, for sure!

 

I think there are very few people who know what a healthy, monogamous relationship even looks like these days, much less know how to be in one.

That scares the hell out of me. Even if I do find "A one" (as I already don't believe there is THE one), how are our kids going to grow up? Lasting marriage will be a rarity by that point.

 

I guess my point is....monogamy, feeling like a partner/companion to someone, a team, friends, etc....that's what makes the sex great. That feeling of knowing you'd do anything for the person you're with, knowing you'd never want to hurt them, never want someone else....where you just want to give them the world.....that's where the great sex comes in. Anything like one night stands or sex just for sex, its so unfulfilling, just leaves an emptiness.

I feel the same way. I remember when my most recent ex would tell me about her FWBs during her marriage or between relationships and I would just think to myself "How could someone live in a way where that's all there is?" There's no TRUE emotional connection, just an emptiness or if not, a passing connection, nothing lasting.

Look into R vs K reproductive strategies and how it applies to human mating.

 

I can't promise it won't depress you further, but it will at the very least be educational.

I failed Biology in high school and Science has always been hard to understand but I'm reading it anyway. It looks kind of difficult to understand from the outset.

They're out there. You just have to be selective. Of course, there are no guarantees, but...there are a lot of people who truly WANT to commit themselves to one person and who will work hard to make that happen.

I like all of what you said, and this part reminded me of my old boss's wedding. I remember her asking me at the wedding "How come you're single?" and when I told her I just haven't found the right person, she told me "You're just picky."

Fast forward 12 years later - now she's divorced. Who was selective, and who wasn't selective enough? People just don't seem to care as much nowadays. They take what they can get or who's the hottest lay. The media doesn't help this at all.

Institutions were made to be escaped from.

I feel the same way. Even in my previous relationship, when I was consistently being lied too and cheated on and treated terribly, I still had absolutely no desire to cheat whatsoever. Not even when I didn't like him anymore. And it wasn't for lack of opportunity. It is much easier and healthier to simply end a relationship that you aren't happy in, than to cheat. It was especially hard on me because, I know I would never do it, so I never expect it, and then I get blindsided.

Monogamy is not for everyone. I personally am fine with it. I do think it's possible but not for a lot of people.

I don't have any divorced people in my family. Even my extended family - only one guy remarried and that was because the first wife died of cancer. So I've seen a number of very long term marriage. And not super conservative either. No one in my family is really that religious so it's not like they had to stay together b/c wrath of a deity or something.

Anyway, the one thing that I've seen with the relationships is that sex is not #1 priority to either party. Either they are really into their career, or their family, or other passions, etc. Sex is enjoyable but it does not drive them. They don't make decisions based on it. Maybe they are friends with Mr. Hand and like to look at stuff online once in a while, no biggie, but it's not something that they get "sucked into" or something that they place a super high priority on.

Personally, a relationship for me is about spending time with someone who you like spending time with. Even just hanging out at home. Sex is a part of that but it's not the main part for me. People who say "well if you're not doing it much, you're basically just friends" confuse me because emotional intimacy with a partner is far, far greater than anything I'd EVER confide in a friend. But that is me.

I shy away from starting relationships with very sexual, flirty, charming men and prefer someone who is sexual when it is appropriate and not when it is not. Someone who is looking for the same thing as myself. I have not been cheated on (that I know of).

I think of it as the exception and not the rule.

I know more divorced or unhappily married people in comparison to happily married.

Anything is possible. .

I grew up with a single mom; my father cheated and bailed.

My fiance grew up with a single mom; his father cheated and bailed.

But I still believed in monogamy and I fell in love with a man who does, as well.

Family status can affect you but it's not a given. My parents have been married for 30+ years same with my friends' parents and look at me: I'm sterilized (voluntarily) and marriage kind of scares the living crap out of me.

My boyfriend grew up with a mom who had 3 kids with 3 different fathers. His dad was monogamous but died early in life. His step dad was abusive/violent/drug using and his mom and him kept breaking up and getting back together. He wants to be a husband someday and is very monogamy-minded.

Just goes to show that family life doesn't always dictate how you will view monogamy/relationships....

I grew up with a single mom; my father cheated and bailed.

 

My fiance grew up with a single mom; his father cheated and bailed.

 

But I still believed in monogamy and I fell in love with a man who does, as well.

I think the point of this thread is that the people sharing their thoughts and experiences felt the same way that you do now, then everything went pear shaped. I would have shared your world view up until a year ago, partners can really surprise you.

Its the exception now because.....and I know people are going to not like this....people are lazy and want instant gratification. The family structure has fallen apart over the last several decades, more single parents, which has caused,I think, each subsequent generation to be more inclined to not work things out with partners.

I know for me, I was naive when I got married. After my divorce, yeah, my ideas about how things were supposed to be were basically shot. I tried other things, found nothing but emptiness. Used all I had learned, fell into a wonderful relationship with who I thought was wonderful woman....everything had that "right" feeling again. But this time it didn't feel like it was out of naivety, but felt like my first, real, adult relationship...in my late 30's no less. That's probably one reason I still haven't recovered from the sudden break and complete change in her attitude after she became pregnant. Its as if that empty hole has grown larger than it ever was.

Maybe I just believe incorrectly, but I do believe when you find the right fit in a relationship and things just click, that's when the monogamy and the sex and the partnership are better than anything a non-monogamous relationship could yield. That feeling of two being one...nothing beats that. It takes work, but if both people feel the same way, nothing can separate them. I guess I'm romanticizing it, but that's how I feel anyway.

Fast forward 12 years later - now she's divorced. Who was selective, and who wasn't selective enough?

She still had a relationship that lasted 12 years - I can barely make it past 3 and everything falls apart at the seams. So she's been relatively successful in my eyes! However I'm inclined to agree with you, in this age of hook-up apps at everyone's fingertips, that finding someone that also wants monogamy is becoming a tall order

Monogamy is realistic for me. That's all I can really tell you.

Absolutely , it is alive and well. Been with my husband for 27 years and married for 22.

Monogamy is possible and realistic for some people, and not for others. Like anything else in a relationship, I think it comes down to being honest with yourself, your partner and listening to what your partner is saying.

How many times have we seen threads/stories that go something like "I've been with my partner for X years. He/she has (insert terrible behavior) for our whole relationship. What should I do?" These people are staying in relationship with people that do not exisit. If your partner is a cheater, they will never not be a cheater, if they are a lier, abuser etc they will never not be those things. Yet, people stay hoping that their partners will change. Heck, some people think getting married or having a child will make their partners horrible behavior change.

I'm soildly Mongy and so in my BF. We don't judge those who are not, but this is what works for us.

Monogamy is realistic for me. That's all I can really tell you.

Same here. Monogamous for almost 11 years, married for 7, wouldn't have it any other way.

Thanks guys. I gotta stop reading crap on the internet. You gave me a bit of hope there.

I would say monogamy is the way for me, too. Dated my ex for two years and I never once had a wandering eye. It took me months after the breakup before I stopped feeling guilty for looking at guys online (the first week or so it made me cry - I felt like I was cheating!). I'm only now ready to think about dating and I'm 6 months post BU. I think that strongly indicates one person for me!