Colleague spreading very serious rumors

I wasn't sure where the appropriate forum to post about this is, but I will try to get straight to the point.

I'm in the process of finishing my graduate work in engineering, I am the only female in my area and am surrounded by 15 men in the lab I work. This will be important later, but I am also very happily married. My husband and I are in a very secure partnership where we trust each other to have respectful friendships with people of the opposite sex.

I've been working in this lab for about 5 years now. Maybe 3 years ago or so, a student (lets call him Matt) from Europe (My husband and I are also from Europe) joined our group. We befriended each other because of our common backgrounds and interest in running and started going on runs together about 3 times per week during lunch. My husband also met Matt and really liked him and everything was great. Well, that is until one of our lab mates, Jack, started spreading rumors that Matt and I were sleeping together (this should go unsaid, but there was nothing inappropriate going on between Matt and I). I didn't find out about it until another co worker drunkenly started talking about it at a lab event in front of everyone, including my husband.

After that, I decided to confront Jack. He profusely apologized for starting the rumors and told me this would never happen again. At this point though the damage had already been done-- my friend Matt was giving me the cold shoulder and I decided to respect his decision. Essentially the friendship I had with Matt dissolved and we now hardly speak.

As a side note, our lab environment is very social. Everyone (except myself) partakes in hobbies together and the guys often partner up and go to the gym/run/rock climb, etc.

So fast forward to about 1.5 years ago when we had another runner join our lab. He found out I run and asked me if he could join me on one of my runs. I was actually quite happy to find another running partner so we started running together. Turns out my running partner was really nice, had a wonderful girlfriend back home in Europe, and had a similar background as I. I invited him over to spend some time with my husband and I and our friends and he became a good friend of ours. Well, if you couldn't guess, in comes Jack AGAIN and starts spreading serious rumors AGAIN in the office. Apparently he had been telling people that he knows for sure that my new running partner and I have been sleeping together, that I'm obviously cheating on my husband, and that I'm essentially a wh***

This was last week. As soon as I found out, I told my husband. He wasn't surprised and felt bad that in this day and age, I have to deal with these types of situations as a female engineer. Yesterday, I went and spoke to my graduate adviser about the situation and she recommended I report Jack to the university.

To give you a bit of an idea, I go to school in a conservative state, and Jack grew up here in a VERY religious family. He recently left the church but he clearly has some very serious and conservative opinions about how men and women should interact. At this point, his actions are affecting the way people treat me in my work environment. He is defaming my character and making my work environment a hostile one.

I'm concerned about the potential academic repercussions if I report him to the university. The rest of my colleagues in the lab are very good friends with him and I'm afraid that once he tells them that I had reported him that they will treat me even more differently. Being in a conservative state, I'm also concerned that if faculty gets involved-- it's going to make my life even more difficult. I'm a year away from earning my degree and I really don't know what to do here. This is causing me some serious anxiety.

Why would your adviser tell anyone you reported Jack? Shouldn't that be confidential? Or are you concerned Jack will tell everyone you reported him? And if he did, wouldn't the others realize he brought this on himself by spreading rumors?

I had to report an employee recently who had violated a very serious safety policy under my watch. He knows for a fact he did this, but he still tried to defend himself (using a ridiculous excuse). He knows it was me who reported him, and I'm sure he shared that fact with others. Surprisingly, no one has given me a hard time because they know he did what I reported he did. And we're a small, close knit group as well.

If Jack indeed did what you're reporting he did, HE is at fault...not you. Next time instead of spreading rumors he should just keep his mouth shut. And it seems doubtful the others will support someone who they know spreads false rumors. They'll probably distance themselves from HIM, not you.

Agree. It's anything from sexual harassment to defamation of character (slander) and damaging to you and your reputation. Plain and simple. No pass for "poor" Jack he's religious, etc. Also fear of further slander and harassment should not intimidate you into doing the right thing to protect yourself from this undermining creep.

my graduate adviser recommended I report Jack to the university.

What a mess. I'm super sorry you are in this situation. I'm glad that your husband trusts you and understands. Its rough being the only woman in a lab. How much longer do you have to finish your work?

My girlfriend is in a crazy PhD program and the social dynamics are insane. Depending on your department it might be worth it just to keep our head down until you are out of there and then look for a better situation in the future.

If you have the energy to deal with a bunch of BS do report it. Maybe it will help the next woman in your position. Maybe it won't. But if you don't say anything then your lab will continue to be a place where women are overly scrutinized and unwelcome in the social world of the lab. Because that is what Jack is doing and if no one is standing up for you (even knowing that he made it up last time) your whole lab is saying they don't trust you.

Do you have the energy to talk to Jack about it again? Can you sit him down and say "Hey, I don't think you mean to but you are propagating some awful sexist garbage by telling everyone in our lab that I'm sleeping with someone for doing the same things you guys all do together all the time".

I want to add you don't owe Jack your energy, you don't owe this department or lab your energy, if you want to keep your head down and get out that is a perfectly fine response. You are in an industry that is massively male dominated and you might find more of the same kind of treatment when you are looking for work in the future. It might be worth it for other women if you speak out... but there is every chance that it'll make it harder on you.

I weigh in on sexual harassment as well.

You are in the right. . His actions are inappropriate.

You handled it the first time and now he's going about it again.

It's time to escalate the matter.

No reason for you to be concerned about repercussions. You haven't done anything wrong.

This guy is issue and he needs to be checked.

It's harassing you and creating an unneeded disturbance in your department.

If you are still concerned about reporting him you might have one last word or warning with him and tell him what you are willing to do about it.

Call him out on it publicly.tell him his drinking might have something to do with him behaving like a jerk. You could report it, but as you say, there is the fear that could work out badly for him. Unfortunately, I think that working in a male dominated profession, Jack is a reminder that in such environments, you need to grow balls to deal with these idiots.

You definitely need to report him! I don't see why anyone would disclose that it was you, but even if he does find out, stand up for yourself! His behavior is unacceptable, and it is HIS behavior that is harming the work environment, not yours!

I am in management and the state requires us to go through sexual harassment training.

And yes. .this falls within the definition.

How did you find out about the second rumor?

NerdyGirl.

You your husband and Matt are all from Europe. Could I ask where you are now?

Thank you so much for all of your replies. Jack will know that I reported him because I am the only female around. In fact, I am the only female in the building and probably the only woman he interacts with in the work environment. The dynamic in our lab is strange, Jack has become the "popular" guy as he's started drinking heavily and is constantly hosting social events for the guys at work. They welcome this, as most of them are international students who don't have a social circle outside of the lab.

I have to work with these people on a daily basis and I'm just concerned that I will get ostracized even further than I already am if I report him. It has become clear to me that the rest of the guys are enabling his behavior and are not standing up for me. I really believe that they don't want to step on his toes because they don't want to lose the social circle that he has created for them. Matt for example, chose to remain friends with Jack despite all the rumors that were spread and instead decided to end his friendship with me (despite the fact that I had no fault in this). It's very adolescent behavior.

I know it's not the right solution, but I almost feel like it would be easier for me to just attempt to talk to him one more time and keep my head down until I finish in a year from now. I'm meeting with my adviser again tomorrow to talk things though-- maybe she can help me make some decisions.

Catfeeder, I found out about the second rumor through another guy in our lab. I noticed the behavior around me was a bit different as of late. Everyone seems to be avoiding me and I walked in once with the guys kind of huddled in Jack's cube-- they dispersed when I walked in. I decided to call one of the guys that I felt kind of comfortable with and asked him what was going in-- he immediately admitted that Jack has been spreading rumors again. Essentially it has become a topic of conversation for them when they get together and drink-- they speculate and discuss where my friend and I run off to to have sex on campus....it's all pretty disgusting.

Essentially, I've found that none of the people I work with are my friends. I can't trust any of them.

At this point, I would probably just leave and change labs-- but I'm so close that I can't do that without starting a new experiment.

Hermes, I'm living in the western united states.

Hermes, I'm living in the western united states.

Yep...

Hermes, I'm living in the western united states.

 

Yep...

I'm moving as soon as I'm done.

I bet you are Nerdygirl. L.

It is always distasteful when co workers have to be so insecure. I recently had a co worker spread rumours about my ability to do my job based on a medical condition. I went directly to my boss who spoke with the person.

"...I go to school in a conservative state, and Jack grew up here in a VERY religious family. He recently left the church but he clearly has some very serious and conservative opinions about how men and women should interact. At this point, his actions are affecting the way people treat me in my work environment. He is defaming my character and making my work environment a hostile one. "

He sounds deranged.

The problem with just laying low and not saying anything is that he'll continue. And often people take silence as "proof" what they are saying is true.

There was a rumor started by a coworker that I was pregnant when I was dating my husband and I took a leave of absence. He also worked there and was right there in the room when two of the young women who worked there were insisting in front of everyone that I must be pregnant. He loudly said for anyone to hear that he thought it was pretty pathetic that people had nothing better to do than to spread rumors, and that "some" people needed to go out and get a life. The rumors stopped (at least in his presence). He also went to the manager and insisted she step in and put a stop to it.

I have to wonder why this guy is so obsessed with your sex life. Doesn't he have a woman of his own?

Unfortunately it sounds like a good old boy network and although you have the right to report it, it may end up as a kangaroo court of sorts.

I'm moving as soon as I'm done.

Unfortunately it sounds like a good old boy network and although you have the right to report it, it may end up as a kangaroo court of sorts.

It is pretty sad it is still around. * eye roll* I experienced it in the military as well.

Eh , OP when you leave I would tell him you're so sorry his sausage is so small and he has to be so insecure about it he has to go around deprecating women.