What does "serial monogamist" mean to you guys?

My recent ex and I had some very long chats recently on his visit, which have been enlightening. Mostly good, some painful. He laid out a bunch of reasons why he wasn't "feeling it" after 3 years with me. We didn't have fights, had a great time, great sex, but he cut me loose because he didn't see it heading to marriage. He told me he's searching for a "feeling" of being in love before he commmitts. He of course loved me, but said he wasn't "in love".

I personally think searching for that feeling can lead you nowhere, but thats just my opinion. And it has more to do with other committment issues and factors in his life than only this.

He also mentioned he thinks he might be a "serial monogamist". Which i've read that is basically always wanting to be in a committed relationship, without the committment of marriage.

What does this mean to you guys? I'm tired of reading half-assed internet relationship articles!

There is no point in analyzing this. He may or may not be. Not even he can know for sure. To me a serial monogamist is someone who goes from one LTR to the next without ever getting married but I can't see how one can know for sure beforehand which is which. Your ex didn't see YOU as the ONE. That is all you need to know. That is your take home message. Only the future will tell whether he is indeed a serial monogamist or not. Plenty of people have said they were and then got married at some point. Either way, this knowledge would not really serve you in anything. For whatever reason, he decided that he didn't see himself married to you. That's the key information and all you need to know. Let him be whatever "label" and move on to finding someone who WILL love you enough to commit. Good luck!

There is no point in analyzing this. He may or may not be. Not even he can know for sure. To me a serial monogamist is someone who goes from one LTR to the next without ever getting married but I can't see how one can know for sure beforehand which is which. Your ex didn't see YOU as the ONE. That is all you need to know. That is your take home message. Only the future will tell whether he is indeed a serial monogamist or not. Plenty of people have said they were and then got married at some point. Either way, this knowledge would not really serve you in anything. For whatever reason, he decided that he didn't see himself married to you. That's the key information and all you need to know. Let him be whatever "label" and move on to finding someone who WILL love you enough to commit. Good luck!

Thanks, I'm just trying to learn more from this experience.

Analyzing the "serial monogamist" line of thought will not be of much use to you though. As I already stated, I can't see how you can know for sure whether one is indeed a "serial monogamist", unless we talk about someone who is past 40-45 years old and still unmarried. It would probably be more useful to focus on what YOU could have done differently to learn his mindset and intentions earlier than in 3 years. People will waste your time for all kinds of reasons if you let them. They also usually give out subtle warning signs quite earlier that most of us choose to ignore when in love with that person. It is more useful to learn how to pay attention to the warning signs (red flags) about where they stand with you rather than deciphering the "why". Their "why" has usually more to do with them than with you and does not change the end result. You can only control your behavior based on what (not "why") you are (not) getting from them. You cannot control their behavior when it comes to "not feeling it", whatever the reason might be.

Analyzing the "serial monogamist" line of thought will not be of much use to you though. As I already stated, I can't see how you can know for sure whether one is indeed a "serial monogamist", unless we talk about someone who is past 40-45 years old and still unmarried. It would probably be more useful to focus on what YOU could have done differently to learn his mindset and intentions earlier than in 3 years. People will waste your time for all kinds of reasons if you let them. They also usually give out subtle warning signs quite earlier that most of us choose to ignore when in love with that person. It is more useful to learn how to pay attention to the warning signs (red flags) about where they stand with you rather than deciphering the "why". Their "why" has usually more to do with them than with you and does not change the end result. You can only control your behavior based on what (not "why") you are (not) getting from them. You cannot control their behavior when it comes to "not feeling it", whatever the reason might be.

right, well he is 38 years old, and he said it himself. i've never heard the term before, this is why i'm asking. i've already done my own research about warning signs and have already obsessed over it. him saying he thinks he is a SM is new information for me as of about 2 weeks ago.

I know it's his issue (whether that is the actual problem or a symptom), as there are other issues as well. I am looking for things i can do differently next time, which is why i want to understand this possible issue more. This is my way of moving forward.

I think there is a point in analyzing it, because I want information and educate myself, whether for this relationship or the next.

As far as me not being "the one" and that being "all i need to know", is not true I believe. Life is much more shades of grey than that, insofar as learning from experiences and moving forward so don't blame me for wondering. Maybe once I learn enough and time passes, then i will arrive at that conclusion, but it hasn't been that long since we separated.

We also keep in contact, and I intend to keep doing so, so I want to be armed with knowledge in case he brings it up again.

To me, a serial monogamist is someone that jumps from one relationship to the next with little time between.

Monogomy is a difficult one to label another human being with, as there are SOOO! Many factors which can lead a person from one relationship to another.

Loneliness can lead to jumping out of one relationship and into the next.

Bereavement of a lost loved one, can lead to a person jumping into a quick relationship, without proper thought

Pressure to be in a relationship by others, can lead to jumping into being in a relationship

Being cheated on, can lead to jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire of a relationship

Sooo! Many reasons why people choose not to marry too and only that person knows their reasons why.

Love comes in many shapes and forms and many will experience love when in a partnership, but each person is unique and so the love is also unique, to that individual.

Loving someone and being in love are different and not all of us will ever experience being in love, but will have loved in our lifetime.

There is no such thing as the perfect relationship and in some cases,only a beautiful disaster. They take work, even for those who are in love.

If he walks into every relationship, looking for perfection he will always be disappointed, because we are none of us, perfect.

Whatever gibberish he used to break-up shouldn't worry you. He is throwing out terms and labels to explain that he "wasn't feeling it" and therefore didn't want to get married. Serial monogamy is the condition of being in an exclusive relationship and when that ends (through a break-up, divorce, death, etc.) seeking another partner.

he wasn't "feeling it" after 3 years with me.said he wasn't "in love".

Unfortunately this is doing more harm than good and allowing yourself to be strung along with a multitude of relationship lingo.

We also keep in contact, and I intend to keep doing so, so I want to be armed with knowledge in case he brings it up again.

I do agree with you OP, that it is very foolish to expect to always feel those "in love" feelings 100% of the time 24/7 with anybody. It just doesn't happen. However, I also think you're completely wasting your time worrying about it. He made his choice, which was to leave you. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. So what does it matter?

Serial monogamist to me is someone who is constantly in LTR's with people he/she is not really feeling any real potential with. Basically, they don't want to be alone and aren't very picky about who they are with so long as they are not single. When the relationship stops being comfortable or they get bored or their partner wants marriage, they dump and move on to the next LTR with someone else in short order.

Anyway, do yourself a huge favor and don't analyze the bs lines he fed you to justify ending things. The only thing that matters is that he wanted to end things. Also, please just stop talking to him. Hanging around and maintaining contact is not going to change his mind about you but it will stop you from healing and moving on. You are not going to teach him or convince him that he is wrong. He is actually being truthful that he is not in love with you on a level he needs to be to marry. That's the crux of a serial monogamist - they prefer the comfort of an OK relationship to the hard work of finding the love and passion needed for marriage. Push comes to shove, though, they will not marry just an OK gal.

That's his definition? Wants to be in a committed relationship, but without marriage or really fully committing?

is it just me or is that the stupidest thing ever? Look, if someone has to describe themselves as something relationship-wise then they usually aren't. If he were then he'd still be with you, because hello his driving need to be in a committed relationship would override everything else. He'd be with you simply because he must be in a committed relationship at all times, so no the reasoning makes no sense.

And if he thinks that "new love feeling" is supposed to last then this guy needs to put down the trrashy romance novels, stop watching horrible Lifetime Movie Channel films and get a grip.

The fact is he wasn't interested, for whatever reason, in growing the relationship further. And that happens and it has nothing to do with what he is or isn't or what you are or aren't. Bottom line, it didn't work out. We all say silly nonsensical things when we're breaking up and at the end of the day we don't even usually know ourselves why something didn't work out.

It just didn't.

"Serial monogamist" (snorts, rolls eyes) Either way it's just kind of a dumb thing to say. You're monogamous or you aren't, regardless of what or why or who you're with. There's no "serial" anything about it.

He broke up because he doesn't want to continue the relationship, regardless of his reasons. And he may very well not know why he did either, it just to him sounds like a reasonable explanation. Whatever that means too.

Unfortunately this is doing more harm than good and allowing yourself to be strung along with a multitude of relationship lingo.

I've already thought about this, and it's benefiting me to be still in contact. I'm healing and progressing fine.

Serial monogamist to me is someone who is constantly in LTR's with people he/she is not really feeling any real potential with. Basically, they don't want to be alone and aren't very picky about who they are with so long as they are not single. When the relationship stops being comfortable or they get bored or their partner wants marriage, they dump and move on to the next LTR with someone else in short order.

 

Anyway, do yourself a huge favor and don't analyze the bs lines he fed you to justify ending things. The only thing that matters is that he wanted to end things. Also, please just stop talking to him. Hanging around and maintaining contact is not going to change his mind about you but it will stop you from healing and moving on. You are not going to teach him or convince him that he is wrong. He is actually being truthful that he is not in love with you on a level he needs to be to marry. That's the crux of a serial monogamist - they prefer the comfort of an OK relationship to the hard work of finding the love and passion needed for marriage. Push comes to shove, though, they will not marry just an OK gal.

Thanks, yeah i am sorting through all the lines. I analyze it because I don't understand what it means, so i'm asking you guys. There were many more words said about why he ended it, and it's more in-depth than the serial monogamist thing. That's just one of the things he said. I stay in contact with him because I like him as a friend, and he stays in contact with me because he thinks I'm amazing, and he is lonely (he is overseas in a new city) So i have a good handle on expectations. If its meant to be, it will happen, but I'm moving on with my life regardless. He does have high expectations however, and talking to one of his exs its the truth.