Bad dream?

My husband of 5 years is on a business trip and had dream that he saw me having relations with a guy that I dated before. The dream upset him, and understandably so. I consoled him and ran through a list of the horribly mundane things that I had done while he has been gone as to reassure him that nothing is going on here while he is gone. (There is no history of this or any reason for him to think there would be any funny business while he is away.)

At this point in the conversations, he asked me to start describing to him in detail how the ONE encounter with this ex had transpired. Asked what positions, etc. I said that I didn't like talking about this kind of thing with him, as I have MANY times before. I think it is rude and disrespectful to discuss intimate details of ex partners with your current partner, especially your spouse. He began to get belligerent, accusing me of withholding information from him and acting like I was this horrible person. (To be honest, I don't even remember much about the encounter with the ex to begin with.)

My question is this: was I wrong to not want to discuss intimate details of previous partners? Is this a normal conversation that couples have and I am just being prude?

Nothing wrong with that at all. My question is where do you think this is all coming from? Something must have happened to make him suspicious? Or is it that he is one cheating and thinking that you could be, too?

It was a DREAM!

"...he had dream that he saw me having relations with a guy that I dated before."

And no, Justme, it is NOT a normal conversation to have.

It is insane, plain and simple.

Yes, but dreams have often have subconscious or deeper meanings attached to them. There is something not right.

Moving.

He had a dream.

I have dreams every night and if I started having persecutory delusions about each and every one of them I'd be in care by now....

As the OP says:

There is no history of this or any reason for him to think there would be any funny business while he is away.

He is away and for whatever reason feeling anxious and insecure. Sadly, instead of dealing with his feelings like an adult he is choosing to attack you instead and make that your problem. This is all on him and his behavior is incredibly wrong and out of line.

Also, you are 100% correct that intimate details from the past should not be discussed with others, ever. It's completely inappropriate. Stand firm because frankly you are in a lose/lose situation. If you stick to the high ground of "I won't have inappropriate conversations" he will attack but eventually get over it. If you succumb to his bullying and talk about it, it will only get worse for you because it will feed his insecurities and give him more fuel to obsess over for real and cause even more problems.

Yes, Hermes. That's my point. From what she knows. Dreams are triggers. What triggered this dream? And it also seems like they have had this conversation before?

He is insecure. His issue to fix NOT yours especially as he has no history of any kind of cheating on your behalf. What HE is doing is disrespectful .

Yes, Hermes. That's my point. From what she knows. Dreams are triggers. What triggered this dream? And it also seems like they have had this conversation before?

Personal extreme insecurities and separation anxiety. This is not on the OP and not her problem to fix.

If you feed the anxiety monster it just gets worse and worse and worse.

Heh heh Moving.

Well, perhaps he is inventing the dream for reasons of his own. We don't know.

But if my dreams (and believe me you don't want to hear me describe them LMAO) were triggered, well, there sure would be fun and games!!

I don't know Hermes! I will tell you my dreams if you tell me your's I love fun and games!!!

When I was young (and stupid) I wanted to know everything. Every little detail. Jesus.....if I can only begin to tell you how much damage and pain that has caused me.

NOTHING good can EVER come of telling your loved one your sexual past. Only hurt.

The only things that partners should be discusing and know:

a) STD

b) Porn or nude pics etc

c) high level of partners

Rest, I do NOT want to hear about. Keep it to yourself.

Past is COMPLETELY irrelevant to your current relationship.

Hope you understand. I learned this lesson the hard way.

Dreams = roll of a dice and NOT reality. We are in no control of our dreams, they just happen. And yeah, some of my dreams are disturbing beyond anyone's imagination. I don't put 1 thought into them and move on second I open my eyes.

I dream so vividly, and that's all they are: dreams.

I once or twice told a couple of friends about a particularly impacting dream and they asked me "what were you on" (I wasn't) amid howls of laughter.

OP:

Don't go on the defensive. Tell him if he is really troubled by his dreams that perhaps he needs to see a professional.

Total good sense DoF:

"Dreams = roll of a dice and NOT reality. We are in no control of our dreams, they just happen. And yeah, some of my dreams are disturbing beyond anyone's imagination. I don't put 1 thought into them and move on second I open my eyes."

Oh, Movingforward, I forgot to mention that 95% of my dreams include male strippers. ROFL.

Exactly if his dreams are troubling to him he needs to meet with a councelor but you are not a councelor.

Oh, Movingforward, I forgot to mention that 95% of my dreams include male strippers. ROFL.

Lucky lady hehe

Oh, Movingforward, I forgot to mention that 95% of my dreams include male strippers. ROFL.

That's okay Hermes, as mine often include Sarah Michelle Gellar!

Asking for details of a past relationship with an ex is just weird. Seriously... Why would someone even care? It's a "Past" relationship.

Knot.

"why would someone even care".

Crazy people don't think like the rest of us. That's why.

There is nothing wrong with choosing to discuss any details about your past or not choosing them I think. That is a personal preference every individual has and hopefully those who choose to disclose will do it with respect to specifics about their past partners, without harming any past person's dignity. And hopefully couples should be on the same page about the comfortable level of disclosure, without crossing the other partner's boundaries. In your case, the degree he wants from you is violating your boundaries and is rightfully making you uncomfortable. I personally think that these things, when discussed, commonly belong to earlier phases of relationships and do not emerge out of the blue between spouses. "Why now?" could be a question the answer of which may contribute to the emotional health of the way he is relating to you.

IMHO, you are describing a very controlling dynamic. Your husband had an uncomfortable dream and yes, we cannot control our dreams. However, how did this result in you telling him what you did on your actual day? Is one or both of you treating his dreams as some sort of reality or a credible material of what the other one did? Also, given where the conversation has brought both of you, I think that despite the fact that anyone is entitled to their feelings of discomfort of those, you two are dealing with this in ways that make both of you uncomfortable, with him being on the controlling side. Admittedly, I even thought maybe he even didn't have a dream but a certain insecurity or a trust issue had been bugging him for a while but he didn't know how to bring this up and used the dream explanation to start this conversation not to sound very off limits.

The way this talk evolved sounds very different from how couples may go through problems of bad dreams involving an ex - your husband seems to need a very high degree reassurance and is trying to achieve it in a very anxious and controlling way. Dealing with this as well as the details of the content may bring comfort to your relationship in this regard.

You were right not to give him details. No good would come from it trust me. It would probably give him more bad dreams.

This is a guise for something else. Either he is trying to accuse you of something or something happened while he was away and this is his way of deflecting.

Lost

Agree...That would have been TMI, no matter how much he asked these details and images don't need to be burned in his brain.

Is it the dream or has he pried before? Why is he worried about this?

as I have MANY times before. He began to get belligerent, accusing me of withholding information from him.

My husband of 5 years is on a business trip and had dream that he saw me having relations with a guy that I dated before. The dream upset him, and understandably so. I consoled him and ran through a list of the horribly mundane things that I had done while he has been gone as to reassure him that nothing is going on here while he is gone. (There is no history of this or any reason for him to think there would be any funny business while he is away.)

 

At this point in the conversations, he asked me to start describing to him in detail how the ONE encounter with this ex had transpired. Asked what positions, etc. I said that I didn't like talking about this kind of thing with him, as I have MANY times before. I think it is rude and disrespectful to discuss intimate details of ex partners with your current partner, especially your spouse. He began to get belligerent, accusing me of withholding information from him and acting like I was this horrible person. (To be honest, I don't even remember much about the encounter with the ex to begin with.)

 

My question is this: was I wrong to not want to discuss intimate details of previous partners? Is this a normal conversation that couples have and I am just being prude?

NO you were not. He is having issues with your past. The most unhealthy thing you can do is give him ammunition for him to create mind movies. He needs help with his insecurity. It won't come from you telling him how strongly you orgasmed with your previous partner. Your sexually intimate past is private and belongs in the past. Was he a virgin? Likely not. Telling him how long and your positions is preposterous! And--not conducive to a healthy relationship. Ask him what benefit would there be to your relationship to discuss such matters? Would it solidify your relationship? Would he feel good to hear it? Is he insecure about not being the best you've had? You are not a prude!