Disloyal again

So, I've been in a relationship for seven years. We're not married, don't have children, don't live together. Throughout our relationship my partner hasn't exactly been loyal. I've caught him sexting quite a few times, he cheated on me once two years ago, and three years ago he left me for someone else briefly. As we're only 22 and 23 now, I put it down to being young and immaturity, and for the past year he hasn't really set a foot wrong in that respect. He's aggressive, can be controlling, and I've never admitted to this but he has been violent intermittently in the past. The last occasion was three months ago when he'd been drinking where he shoved me onto the floor and choked me and slapped me. He can be really scary sometimes. When I've tried to break up with him, he'll harass me and stop me getting anything done. I'm also weak-willed and I really love him very much and I know deep down he's a good person. I know nothing excuses this behaviour and if this happened to a relative or friend I would be so saddened and disgusted. He does all this on rare occasions, and the rest of the time he is very attentive and and caring.

So recently I have become quite suspicious. He is very secretive with his phone and I found it quite strange. He went to the bathroom this morning and he thought I was asleep, so I went on his phone. Which is bad I know but I was suspicious. I found texts between him and a girl, only going back to a few days ago but it looks like the previous texts have been deleted. It started with him apologising for not texting for a few days as he had been busy (I had been over). This then went on to quite a sexual place, her telling him 'Imagine me stood naked in your room right now' and him stating 'might get horny later and send you some naughty pics' (gross). I'm yet to have a look at the pictures on his phone to see if he's sent or received any from her. I'm so disgusted and feel betrayed AGAIN. I want to leave him and I haven't confronted him yet but I'm worried he'll react aggressively. He states he wants to marry me and have children with me one day but how can I let a man like this be that person. We're still young and supposed to be having fun, so I can only see these factors now getting worse as we get older.

how should I go about tackling this? I would appreciate no nasty or judgemental comments as my heart is in a very delicate place right now.

Thank you.

This is one of those just leave times. Have a plan and execute it. He might be busy with the new girl to not even notice.

Can you move? I assume he know where you work and knows your patterns and family/friends? You need to plan and think this through before you act. You can get a restraining order against him if you feel you need it for protection. Can you fade away for a week or more, keeping in contact just enough? He will likely be busy with the other woman.

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear your first relationship is an abusive one.

The amount of times he cheated on you I am certain is a lot more than the times you simply caught him out.

The first time you caught him cheating, you forgave him. Even made excuses for it being young and immature. You are also young and immature (not judging you personally but just on age alone) yet you didn't cheat. The only reason he cheated was out of disrespect for you. And because you forgave him, it enabled him to continue to cheat knowing you will forgive and excuse his behaviour.

Basically forgiving him, set you up to being with a habitual cheater. And he disrespects you more for that.

There is no comeback from that. He will only ever see you as weak willed and a partner who will forgive him for cheating.

If you want to continue seeing him, then you need to accept that he will ALWAYS cheat on you.

Apart from that, his aggression is the main concern. And moreso now that he has zero respect for you.

Every domestic violence cases start with, he's good to me, in the beginning it was so good, he only got violent under certain circumstances, it was only every few months ..... to , he is now beating me every other night, said he will kill me or a family member if I leave, he now is careful where he beats me so bruises and cuts can be hidden.

He is not deep down a good person. He is a controller. He is controlling you. He is with you still, despite his disrespect for you, he doesn't love you, he loves controlling you.

That's not me being judgemental , I realise you are fragile and you are only fragile under his control.

The good thing is that you don't live together or have ties.

You can leave and you must!

You mention you tried to leave before. But succumbed to the person in control of you. Cut the puppet strings, you know you want and need to leave him. So do it.

It really doesn't look like this relationship is working. He's clearly not willing or able to commit to you, and you don't trust him already. I think it's time to let this one go and try to move on, hopefully you can both fine wine thing else that makes you happy.

Yeah, you need to get out. And then you need to figure out what causes you to accept being treated so badly. Otherwise the pattern will repeat itself in future relationships

1. He had a tendency of violence toward you.

2. He has hit you and he has choked you.

3. He scares you.

4. He is controlling and aggressive.

5. He tries to hide things that are contrary to a healthy relationship with you from you.

6. He is sexting someone else.

7. He has cheated on you in the past.

8. He has left you once already for someone else.

I only have one question for you...

Why are you still with him? Personally, I think you deserve better.

This is abuse. Plain and simple.

You do not confront this, you just leave.

I suggest contacting a domestic violence helpline for advice and support at this time.

Abuse does not get better, it does not go away, it only escalates.

He is not good either on the surface nor "deep down". People who are "good deep down" dont do that stuff. I'd say you should end this, just end without confronting him, tell him the reasons afterwards.

how should I go about tackling this?

You should be leaving. Block him totally from your life. You owe him no explanation. He is well aware of what he is.

You are dating him since age 15? I'm sorry but he is not "deep down he's a good person". Have the police been involved? Have you called a domestic violence hotline to get some information about what to do? In most jurisdictions, choking you is a serious misdemeanor or felony. Go to the police and get a restraining order. Change your locks, your phone number and disconnect from any social media.

Luckily you aren't married or have kids or live together. Do you live alone? Do you have family or friends who know about his violence and stalking? Unfortunately he has you focused on his infidelities rather than the fact that he is criminally violent toward you. Call the hotline and get some help.

Write this off as poor recognition of the person in front of you (on your part).

When someone is not loyal to you, especially EARLY in the relationship, and you decide to remain, you ENABLE that person to thrive.

Solution, disengage ASAP.