Help Winning my Girl back

I've recently split from my girlfriend of nearly 8 years and am now left at home on my own continually crying and having no motivation. I know its certainly not the best way of getting back with her but all i've done the last few weeks is pester her and beg her to get back with me, but to no avail.

Yet all this is completely different to how i thought i would feel as i was the one who initiated the break up and for months I've been saying to close friends how i thought the relationship had run its course and it was time to call it a day. There were a few things that had made me and obviously her think this like our sex life was non existent, we never did anything as couples, we had no romance.

The following day after we initially broke up though i realised i'd made a massive mistake and we both agreed to give it a shot as we didn't want to throw 7 years away like that until 2 days later she hit me with the bombshell that she didn't think her feelings would change and ever since then I've just been a complete mess.

In the time that we've been split up I've stupidly hit the drink and coke pretty hard which i know isn't going to make things better but now i'm at a complete loss with myself as all i can think about is her and all i want to do is get back with her and give her as much love is as humanly possible, i'm honesty hurting so much inside.

The main thing that makes me think it is definitely over is that when i do ring her up she says she will help me in any way she can, by talking to me, by staying away from me and our friends even by coming to a counsellor with me. Please tell me that i'm reading too much into this and there is still a possibility of getting back with her?

Basically i just need some guidance on what to do from here on how i can win her back?

She also moved all of her stuff out within 3 days of breaking up and has already transferred the bills we used to share over to me, again am i looking too much into this or has she really gone for good?

You can't know what is in her mind. However, you falling a apart and being self destructive won't get her back at all. Wake up and get ahold of yourself. Get clean, get sober, and get to putting your life together.

bobajob,

Wow, I really feel for you. I know you are hurting but I totally agree with the other poster. You need to pull yourself together. Really work on yourself and when she notices positive changes that will spark her interest again. She is having a difficult time just as much as you are. A 7 year relationship is not easy to forget or get over.

You've got a case of dumper's remorse. You didn't want her, but now that you can't have her, you want her back.

You had reasons for ending it so focus on that.

Nothing you can actively do to get her back. All you can do is mess it up more if you keep trying to contact her.

She knows how you feel. Continuing contact will just drive her up the wall.

It's over. You yourself recognised this months ago. That was you thinking without emotions involved. Ignore the emotions telling you that you made a mistake.

Just because you initiated it doesn't mean that you don't have to grieve.

It's likely that she also felt the same way you did and possibly disconnected before you did which is why she seems ahead in the grieving and more accepting.

My guess is that she knew your time was up and the relationship was over before you did. But she didn't have the courage you did to end it.

I think you initiated the break up because you felt in someway rejected by her which was manifested by lack of sex. Her lack of sex was likely initiated by other problems within the relationship.

Regardless of the reasons, the relationship has ended and probably ended a long time ago.

She, is not helping you heal by contact. So, you need to end contact to move on. There is no other option.

Despite mutual friends, you need to cut off the personal contact with her to move on.

Thanks all for replying it does help to talk to people. I agree with the first two posters and, although its only early days, this week i have made a conscious effort to turn my life around i've started running i'm off the beer and coke and have already said no to a party this weekend and have other stuff planned.

With regard to the second two posts i can promise you this is nothing like dumpers remorse admittedly the last 6 months have not been great but the previous 7 were and i'd do anything to get her back and stay with her, i know my feelings, I've had dumpers remorse before and although the relationship was no where near as long as this one i didn't feel like this.

Clinton - Do you really think that if i can prove to her that i can change my life around, have no contact with her for a while, stay away from drugs and become more of the person she'd want that she wouldn't maybe be interested in rekindling the relationship? This is an honest question.

She did the right thing moving out and transferring the bills, severing any ties after a break-up. A clean break is best. It wasn't working at all and this was the best thing for both of you. Address the drugs, drinking and depression to pull yourself together. Work on yourself and don't contact her. She made it pretty clear that it's over after you both tried for quite some time.

Thats the thing though, unfortunately i've always been like this all the way through our relationship and she had to to an extent, i also had no idea that she was unhappy, we bought a dog together at Christmas! I'm in no way some bummed out junkie i've got my own business and employ a few people, i'd drink most weekends and do coke every couple, when we first got together she'd do the same and although she drank pretty much every weekend in the end she rarely did coke and would be slightly annoyed if i did. But to say we both tried for a while i don't think is right as we were both going along at a normal pace albeit with doing less things together.

I just need to know how i can get her back because at the moment this is killing me.

The drugs, even though you minimize it and used to do it together, are part of why she left. Clean up your act...or don't.

she rarely did coke and would be slightly annoyed if i did.

And as i said in a previous post, it is exactly what I'm going to do.

I don't mean to sound like mate and i appreciate your replies. I'm just looking for advice on getting her back and if as you said i need to clean my act up then thats exactly what i'm doing, but do you think it'll give me a chance of winning her back?

Thanks all for replying it does help to talk to people. I agree with the first two posters and, although its only early days, this week i have made a conscious effort to turn my life around i've started running i'm off the beer and coke and have already said no to a party this weekend and have other stuff planned.

 

With regard to the second two posts i can promise you this is nothing like dumpers remorse admittedly the last 6 months have not been great but the previous 7 were and i'd do anything to get her back and stay with her, i know my feelings, I've had dumpers remorse before and although the relationship was no where near as long as this one i didn't feel like this.

 

Clinton - Do you really think that if i can prove to her that i can change my life around, have no contact with her for a while, stay away from drugs and become more of the person she'd want that she wouldn't maybe be interested in rekindling the relationship? This is an honest question.

You clearly posted on here looking for others to suggest there is hope of reconciliation. That's not going to happen.

You say that you had no idea she wasn't happy. Yet for a long time you weren't but didn't tell her just told your friends.

Why were you telling your friends and not her?

She must have been telling her friends and not you.

Because clearly neither of you were happy. And somehow your lack of communication led you to getting a puppy. Whose idea was that? Someone decided not to talk about their feelings and suggested a puppy. Seriously?

There clearly was a communication issue but that's ok because it ended anyway.

I hope at least one of you is a dog lover and continues to care for that pup.

You are only accepting of advice that you want to hear not what's in your best interest or factual.

And somehow you decided that the first two posters were suggesting you can get her back. She doesn't want you back. Her actions are firm on that.

So, now you need to stop clinging to false hope and grieve the loss.

As she is doing.

I know it hurts but the best thing you can do for yourself is to start accepting that it is over.

The puppy was her idea, but she loves him to pieces and i know she'll take care of him.

But the fact that she initiated getting the pup is one of the reasons i'm still holding out hope. I haven't come on here for an argument i've come on here for advice on how to get it her back and sorry but as much as you tell me its false hope i'm still gonna try and get her back, starting with turning my life around.

I know she doesn't want me back at the moment but obviously peoples feelings change isn't this what a lot of posts in this forum are about? I just wanna give myself the best possible chance of changing those feelings. You don't know me, her or what we've been through i was only asking for advice on the best way i can get her to change her mind.

The puppy was her idea, but she loves him to pieces and i know she'll take care of him.

 

But the fact that she initiated getting the pup is one of the reasons i'm still holding out hope. I haven't come on here for an argument i've come on here for advice on how to get it her back and sorry but as much as you tell me its false hope i'm still gonna try and get her back, starting with turning my life around.

 

I know she doesn't want me back at the moment but obviously peoples feelings change isn't this what a lot of posts in this forum are about? I just wanna give myself the best possible chance of changing those feelings. You don't know me, her or what we've been through i was only asking for advice on the best way i can get her to change her mind.

When you wanted to breakup months ago , why?

Nothing changed apart from the fact that you are now broken up.

So why all of a sudden do you want her back when while you were with her you wanted it to end?

Chances are that months ago your thinking was rational and now your thinking is emotional.

You miss her of course. You miss being part of a couple of course.

But when you were telling your friends you wanted out, you meant it.

When you wanted to breakup months ago , why?

Nothing changed apart from the fact that you are now broken up.

So why all of a sudden do you want her back when while you were with her you wanted it to end?

 

Chances are that months ago your thinking was rational and now your thinking is emotional.

 

You miss her of course. You miss being part of a couple of course.

But when you were telling your friends you wanted out, you meant it.

I know what your saying, but as soon as we'd broken it off i realised id made a mistake which is why we gave it another 3 days until she broke it off. I don't know whether this is me emotionally thinking or not but at the moment all i know is i want her back, and so please can you give me some advice to get her back? i'm an absolute wreck at the moment, who knows if in the time i'm trying to win her back i may start thinking 'rationally' and not want to get back.

Please i'm just looking for any advice to stop me going insane, i can't yet think its completely over as it'll kill me, people get back together all the time.

First.. stop pestering her. That will NOT work.

2nd... whatever caused this BU has NOT been dealt with.. so nothing has changed in order for her to want to get back with you.

This takes time. And whether it works out or not.. YOU are going to need to work on accepting the facts.

I know.. it really hurts and it will for a while.

Loss is never easy.

There may be no way for you to 'win her back' Only in time for her to see a change in you, on her own and her wanting to return. That can take months.. or more.

Like YOU said.. you felt the relationship had run it's course and you may be right. But, right now you are 'feeling' the loss.

Now, you just have to give it time. You need time to work on accepting this.

it is okay and normal to feel this low & depressed. Try to do things to keep busy & tc of YOU.

Work out.. eat well.. get yoru rest.

If you find it too overwhelming.. you can think about seeing your Dr about anxiety.

That's not a good reason to get back together. Sounds a lot like when someone goes through coke or alcohol withdrawal...like getting the substance back will relieve everything. No one here can tell you how to get her back because it's up to her, not us.

i'm an absolute wreck at the moment

So after reading the forum, the no contact for 30 days method won't work?

"..i was only asking for advice on the best way i can get her to change her mind."

Bob, you can't make someone change his or her mind.

The no contact method (whether for 30, 60 or 200 days) is not intended to "work" in the way I believe you are implying. "No contact" is not intended as a ploy to get the "other" back.

"..i was only asking for advice on the best way i can get her to change her mind."

 

Bob, you can't make someone change his or her mind.

 

The no contact method (whether for 30, 60 or 200 days) is not intended to "work" in the way I believe you are implying. "No contact" is not intended as a ploy to get the "other" back.

Oh ok what is the no contact method used for then?

The general idea.

Reasons for the No Contact Rule

There are many reasons the no contact rule works and what not following it can do to your both emotionally and psychologically. When you don’t follow the no contact rule after a breakup you are making it harder to move on, allowing your feelings to rekindle, ignoring the healing process, won’t be able to forgive or fall in love with someone else, soaking yourself in broken memories, encouraging an on and off relationship, and continue the hurt that the breakup caused.

You can't win someone. People are not prizes. They are with you not because you won, but because the person you are is someone they willingly want to be with.

She doesn't want that .

If you think there are ways you can improve on having learnt from this relationship, make steps to better yourself. But for you and your future relationships. Not for this girl. That's the past.

No contact is self healing. Only.

Contact is detrimental to that.

I know she doesn't want me back at the moment but obviously peoples feelings change isn't this what a lot of posts in this forum are about? I just wanna give myself the best possible chance of changing those feelings. You don't know me, her or what we've been through i was only asking for advice on the best way i can get her to change her mind.

You can't change her mind. The key here is to recognize that SHE changes her own mind. If she changes her mind, she will let you know.

That's the sad truth a lot of posters don't want to face until weeks and months go by and they realize that's the truth.

You can't change her mind. The key here is to recognize that SHE changes her own mind. If she changes her mind, she will let you know.

 

That's the sad truth a lot of posters don't want to face until weeks and months go by and they realize that's the truth.

^^^^^THIS

Bobajob, you need to stop thinking you can exert control on this situation. It is down to her whether she comes back. That can take from one hour to twenty years. Maybe never. You intend on putting your life on hold whilst she decides? Of course not. Move on like she is part of the past, painful though that is. She may be back, she may not. Flip a coin...

Im really sorry youre going through this, bobajob. Ive been in your place before. I can only repeat what others have said, I believe you cant really 'make' an ex come back to you. You have to stop contacting her in any way, shape or form immediately. Every instinct you have may tell you to beg, plead, bargain, etc., but youre just driving her further away. I made that mistake before with an ex and I cant tell you how much I wish I had gone NC immediately instead, so I really urge you to do that. Ive also contacted people, told them the whole story and then demanded they tell me what to do/say to win my ex back.

What Ive accepted is that you cant make your ex come back, you need to work on yourself; quit the coke, go the gym more often, rebuild relationships or strengthen relationships with family and friends, take up new hobbies, and grieve, learn and heal from this breakup. Doing that will build your confidence and make you more attractive to other people (your ex included). If you try to guilt her or whatever back into a relationship youll just make her angry and cause her to lose respect for you and want nothing to do with you.

I really dont want to give you false hope tho, so Ill tell you that Ive had 4 significant ex's, of those, the option of getting back together only arose with one and it took months and months of no contact and healing, and when she actually did suggest I chose to refuse it. Reason being I had healed and moved on; I took up new hobbies, rebuilt old relationships with family and friends and really moved on. As others have suggested, when you were thinking logically and rationally about this months ago you came to the conclusion things werent working, that there were problems that were unsustainable, youre feeling emotional now and youre lamenting the loss of a relationship as well as your ex (absolutely natural and normal). You need to work on the assumption its over, its not easy and takes a lot of time, but youll get through it. Stay strong