Marriage on the Rocks

Hi all

This is my first time posting in any type of relationship forum because I am at the point that I need to get this out and get some advice. My family tends to get very emotional and drastic so I need to keep them out of this until I can figure this out a bit more

quick overview...married 4 years ago. just bought a house. planning for a baby (which I am now putting off because of the below)

relationship was probably at its best pre engagement. lots of interest from him, cutesy stuff, a lot of real interest in me.

Post engagement- some withdrawal from him, maybe due to finding out some things about my past relationships, I was going through some major depression after some deaths in the family that affected me and caused me to have some intense anxiety. But nothing that really directly affected us because we were long distance at this point. Anyway, about 5 months later, literally 1 week before the wedding we had this big fight I dont even remotely remember what it was but he said that he needs to think it through. I was extremely unstable at the time so I had a break down and got really depressed and was like oh no dont do this etc and we stayed together and got married

Marriage was very rocky first 2 years, lost a lot of our physical connection which there was so much of pre wedding. I found a lot of inappropriate sites, some inappropriate skype chats from before our wedding with strangers. When I confronted, he turned it around and mentioned my ex and all. I guess I should have seen this as a first sign of manipulation. Months later found he had been looking at sites for phone *** . Last straw was the third time I found stuff for a massage parlour, and he actually sincerely was sorry and I never found anything like that again. But I lost a lot of trust, which we rebuilt over time

SO much has changed in the 4 years, but so much has stayed the same. Very harsh put downs during fights, fights go on for days, he stays mad over the dumbest things for hours. IE: right now, has not talked to me since he got home because I could not decide whether I wanted to eat out or not due to some dietary restrictions. Because I cant make up my mind he has not talked to me in over an hour. Its so messed up and I am just at my breaking point. There is a lot more to him but I could go on and on. I think the respect is not there, maybe a little but not enough for me to feel good about this relationship. a lot of put downs and turning things around and I feel like I am smarter and stronger than I was back then, and need to figure this out. I dont think I love him anymore and I feel like all the stress in my life is because of him. We have some good moments together but they tend to get overshadowed by his personality the rest of the times. At this point Its his personality and I cant change that.

Its hard to think about initiating a break or split because most of the times we just put up with eachother and arent like fighting 24/7. I think I am just fed up with day to day issues with his personality. Living with him is stressing me out

Has anyone here been in a similar situation? Any advice?

Had you ever spent any significant amount of time around each other or was the whole relationship long distance with the occasional weekend meetup?

I would suggest couples counseling if you can get him to go. It sounds like he is harboring a lot of resentment toward you.

I'd suggest marriage counseling as well, but expect you will probably have to regularly attend at least a year to see permanent changes, if you're both fully invested and work on what you're learning. If the counseling doesn't work, at least you know you tried before throwing in the towel.

I divorced after a 23 marriage, but it had to do with my exes problems with depression whereas he was angry or isolated himself much of the time.

Sometimes when a woman is done, she's done, and no 360 in behavior from him will even matter anymore. Only you can know if this is true. My way of thinking about it was, when I thought of growing old with him, did I get a warm fuzzy feeling or did I feel like a weight was on my chest. Of course, the answer was clear.

Don't let the thought of getting a divorce or selling the house or whatever you have to do overwhelm you too much. When you write out steps in the order you have to perform them, they will get done. And don't worry what your family will think. This is your life. They make decisions for themselves, and you have to make the best ones for yourself. I imagined my parents would argue with me when I told them, but they actually agreed it was a good decision. My father-in-law said I was always welcome in his house, and I stayed friendly with my brother and sister in law.

You probably did make a mistake marrying someone you really didn't know well enough. Calling someone names in an argument should never happen as it causes bitterness to grow. Teach people how to treat you by what you will accept and what you will walk away from. It's never too late to admit a mistake, learn from it, and move on. Good luck in whatever path you choose.

Had you ever spent any significant amount of time around each other or was the whole relationship long distance with the occasional weekend meetup?

 

I would suggest couples counseling if you can get him to go. It sounds like he is harboring a lot of resentment toward you.

We spent a lot of time together pre wedding but red flags did show up during those meet ups .. l wish I had realized what they were at the time. Post wedding we have lived together for the entire 4 years

Counseling has been brought up and he has said no ..he is very stubborn unfortunately

I think it is part resentment ...after the wedding it just seemed like I was such a burden to him and ruined his life by getting married to him . A very complex man

Thank you for your advice it was really helpful. I definitely DO NOT get a warm fuzzy feeling thinking about the rest of my life with him and honestly question whether or not he will be a good father.

You are right about counseling to try before saying it's over ..will try to bring it up

Thank you

I'd suggest marriage counseling as well, but expect you will probably have to regularly attend at least a year to see permanent changes, if you're both fully invested and work on what you're learning. If the counseling doesn't work, at least you know you tried before throwing in the towel.

I divorced after a 23 marriage, but it had to do with my exes problems with depression whereas he was angry or isolated himself much of the time.

 

Sometimes when a woman is done, she's done, and no 360 in behavior from him will even matter anymore. Only you can know if this is true. My way of thinking about it was, when I thought of growing old with him, did I get a warm fuzzy feeling or did I feel like a weight was on my chest. Of course, the answer was clear.

 

Don't let the thought of getting a divorce or selling the house or whatever you have to do overwhelm you too much. When you write out steps in the order you have to perform them, they will get done. And don't worry what your family will think. This is your life. They make decisions for themselves, and you have to make the best ones for yourself. I imagined my parents would argue with me when I told them, but they actually agreed it was a good decision. My father-in-law said I was always welcome in his house, and I stayed friendly with my brother and sister in law.

 

You probably did make a mistake marrying someone you really didn't know well enough. Calling someone names in an argument should never happen as it causes bitterness to grow. Teach people how to treat you by what you will accept and what you will walk away from. It's never too late to admit a mistake, learn from it, and move on. Good luck in whatever path you choose.

Thank you for your advice it was really helpful. I definitely DO NOT get a warm fuzzy feeling thinking about the rest of my life with him and honestly question whether or not he will be a good father.

You are right about counseling to try before saying it's over ..will try to bring it up

Thank you

Agree. The relationship is much too unstable and unhappy to have a child. How far apart do you live and how often do you see each other? Get therapy for yourself to address feelings of depression and "nervous breakdown". First address that, then address the marriage and the impact it has on you.Discuss

I DO NOT get a warm fuzzy feeling thinking about the rest of my life with him and honestly question whether or not he will be a good father.

We spent a lot of time together pre wedding but red flags did show up during those meet ups .. l wish I had realized what they were at the time. Post wedding we have lived together for the entire 4 years

 

Counseling has been brought up and he has said no ..he is very stubborn unfortunately

 

I think it is part resentment ...after the wedding it just seemed like I was such a burden to him and ruined his life by getting married to him . A very complex man

What made you ignore your gut?

Msa.

"literally 1 week before the wedding we had this big fight I dont even remotely remember what it was but he said that he needs to think it through. I was extremely unstable at the time so I had a break down and got really depressed and was like oh no dont do this etc and we stayed together and got married"

Wrong reason for getting married, Msa, and IMO that is at the heart of the matter.

Aside from that, well, it is the typical idealization/devaluation cycle. (you mentioned everything was kind of cutesy in the engagement stage).

The situation is abusive.

a lot of put downs and turning things around

Put downs, and the "silent" treatment are all forms of abuse.

What made you ignore your gut?

I think I was young and dumb and caught up in the wedding to be honest. I was also very naive back then and always saw the best in people

That happens. However this marriage doesn't seem to be working. What are you going to do?

I was caught up in the wedding to be honest.

Agree. The relationship is much too unstable and unhappy to have a child. How far apart do you live and how often do you see each other? Get therapy for yourself to address feelings of depression and "nervous breakdown". First address that, then address the marriage and the impact it has on you.Discuss

We have lived together since we got married. I feel like now I have FINALLY gained control over my thoughts and moods and feel very stable, which I think is why everything just hit me at once because I can finally say its not really me thinking this up...it's actually happening

Ive worked so hard to reduce my stress levels but I feel like this marriage is a source of constant stress.

I have to stop acting through my heart and think logically I guess and really not bring a child into this situation.

Thanks for your reply

That happens. However this marriage doesn't seem to be working. What are you going to do?

I dont know...at this point we havent spoken in over 24 hours..which is rare. When we do talk I am going to let him know how I feel and that we can try to do marriage counseling if we really want this to work

I feel almost guilty saying this, as a super sensitive people I hate hurting other peoples feelings from a really young age so these kind of talks and break ups devastate me. But I know its for the better, just sucks

Msa.

 

"literally 1 week before the wedding we had this big fight I dont even remotely remember what it was but he said that he needs to think it through. I was extremely unstable at the time so I had a break down and got really depressed and was like oh no dont do this etc and we stayed together and got married"

 

Wrong reason for getting married, Msa, and IMO that is at the heart of the matter.

 

Aside from that, well, it is the typical idealization/devaluation cycle. (you mentioned everything was kind of cutesy in the engagement stage).

 

The situation is abusive.

 

a lot of put downs and turning things around

 

Put downs, and the "silent" treatment are all forms of abuse.

Its true..he does not use profanity or anything harsh , but knows how to push my buttons. Does it less often than before, but still does it.

He used to threaten divorce all the time and back then I was weak and would take the blame and try to fix things. But I am so over it now so would be like "ok sure" if he said it now

If he's not willing to do marriage counseling, then divorce is the only other option.

Give him what he kept threatening to do. Consulting n attorney for information would be a great idea.

He used to threaten divorce all the tim