How to cope with a boyfriend who swings in and out of depression

My boyfriend of almost a year, and I have had a quite strong relationship with occasional ups and downs. He's loving, appreciates me for who I am, we have lots of interests and a sense of humour in common and I've developed such love and care for him. But there are problems in our relationship - mostly arguments and disagreements caused by his weird way of seeing the world and telling me things like he doesn't see the point in living anymore.

I have tried to support him, make him see the world in a positive light, bring happiness to his life but he often swings back to that low point which is because he hates his school subjects and doesn't look forward to the future which he claims will be just "taxes and boring adult stuff".

I've encouraged him to switch schools to pursue something he enjoys. That didn't work. I've asked him what he would like to be in the future and he just jokingly says "unemployed" all the time! In addition I am literally the only one he tells how he really feels cause he doesn't have the closest relationship with his brothers and he is difficult in social situations (very socially awkward and doesn't realise how social interaction works) so he has only 1 friend who does not go to our school. My friends don't like him much because he has been rude without apologising. I know this is because he doesn't understand the social code, it's like he's partially stuck being immature. Because I accepted his weirdness since I met him years ago, it made him comfortable to act normal around me without all the awkwardness. I wish other people saw that side of him.

ANYWAY.

I am SO sorry this is long, but there's so much.

We go to the same school which has strained my school life too because I spend way too much time on him as opposed to myself.

I am seeking advice because I feel like the best thing for myself is to break up with him, however if I break up with him, I can't imagine how he will feel as he already goes through stages of depression. It's really difficult. I don't want to hurt him but at the same time I can't support him forever because I have sacrificed time on him instead of my education. I don't want him to hurt himself or something because he feels down. Please, any advice would be great. What do I do about the relationship and him in general? Thank you.

It sounds like along with depression he had existential issues. Trying to be a cheerleader doesn't help, in fact as you've noticed, it starts an existential argument about why that idea sucks, life sucks, etc. Stop trying to fix him or cheer him up..that's for you not for him. He enjoys being odd and being a curmudgeon...because as you've noticed, he turns it on and off at will like a light switch.

I agree you should break up with him, he is dragging you down at a crucial point in your life, also a time that should be fun for you. Not a time to cheer up an unhappy grump. If he has depression it's his job to get professional help, not lean on you making you miserable.

has strained my school life too because I spend way too much time on him as opposed to myself. I feel like the best thing for myself is to break up with him

Has he been professionally diagnosed with depression? On the other hand whether he has, or has not, it's not your job to try to be his therapist.

At any rate, he does sound a bit immature. May I ask your ages?

He likely has social anxiety, which often has depression and bipolar tendencies mixed. I wish I could tell you it will all get better. It is a hard roller coaster with someone like this. Mood swings and changes in thought and behavior.

I would tell you to run for the hills before it is too late!

Has he been professionally diagnosed with depression? On the other hand whether he has, or has not, it's not your job to try to be his therapist.

 

At any rate, he does sound a bit immature. May I ask your ages?

He hasn't been professionally diagnosed, I just presume that it is something along the lines of that as I've researched symptoms. I doubt his parents realise, so I don't think anyone has encouraged him to seek professional help in his family.

We are both 17.

By only reading the title i wanted to answer: "You don't cope, you break up". And the title i read was "how do you cope with a boyfriend who swings in and out" and no, the depression part didn't change my mind.

I've been on both sides. I was depressed in one relationship and also dated a depressed guy in another. When i was in your shoes, i didn't play the doctor because of my previous experience and it still drained me, so i broke it off. He was devastated...BUT he finally sought out help! I was enabling him by just being there, even if i wasn't playing cheerleader as much. He knew he had a problem he promised he would seek out help yet he never tried. I was sympathetic of him because i knew what he was going through, but i was enabling him. Even though i always told him that if he doesn't start going to therapy things will probably not end well for us, the fact that i didn't leave or make a big deal about it, made him comfortable.

So after the break up he started going to therapy, i am assuming he is doing better, but we didn't keep in touch as he kept calling me wanting to get back togrther. It was hard letting him down every time, trying to be cautious about how to tell him that i do not want to be together anymore nor in the future,i would do it since day one, but his therapist advised me to not make it definitive yet. So 4 months after the break up he called me up again and i had to tell him that there is no hope for the future. I don't know how he took it, but i am assuming he is doing a lot better now as i am hearing from common friends.

So bottom line, i really support your decision to break up, there is no point on being in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. I would advise you to talk to a therapist maybe to get better advise as to where he is at and how to handle it, but don't go back on your decision!

edit to add: be prepared for him maybe being mad at you and maaaybe calling you names, let him get it all out and don't take it personal, do not reply, do not try to justify yourself, just state why you can't be in a relationship with him anymore and stay silent. If you need to answer anything, sometimes the best is to keep it to a yes or no.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I felt helpless when writing this thread, but you have encouraged me to take action of the relationship. I took the courage to break up with him this morning and I said that I don't see a future working out for us two because we're incompatible. It was hurtful seeing him take it and he said "a relationship is supposed to be about two people working out their differences over time". I just stayed silent.. I disagree with him cause there's a difference between small arguments and the ones that we had that made me feel horrible.

Breaking up is my only choice in this relationship because we will always end up going back to a stage of arguing. Thank you, again, for helping me.

I'm sorry for the pain but I think you made the right decision. This relationship was not nurturing you and you were only going to be frustrated if you stayed.