Is it a fools job to spend youth in long relationship(s)?

Hey,

I have a theory, a theory that I have been wasting my sex/romance/datinglife. I`m 28 years old now, and from my previous 9 years I have been in a serious relationship for 8 years. That consist of 2 about 4 year relationships where I shared my whole life with that person (apartment etc), and from which another one I`m living at right now.

So what makes me use the word "wasting"? (Also please note that this is a theory)

In both of these long relationships I have experienced, the pattern of love, sex and romance has been exactly the same. It`s so similar that it`s frightening;

The first year has always been great in every possible way.

The second year brings in problems like the woman starts to lose her sex-drive, and thirst for romance. For me that has never happened, and it creates a field where I`m suffering because of getting rejected more and more continuously.

The third year has brought my acceptance for the fact that the spark is gone, and my happiness in the relationshis has fallen down. I have given up and accepted the fact that my woman does not wish to make out with me, nor have sex more than just randomly. Also at this point the word "romance" starts to sound like a bad joke; Everything I could ever try in terms of it is bound to fail, and I`m still stupid enough to actually go for it, and basically get laughed at by her.

The fourth year. At this stage all that there is left is disrespect. The way my woman treats me almost exceeds the levels of what I would call evil. Evil is a harsh word, but considering the attitude I face, plain ignoration, insults that have no boundaries, it serves justice.

Both of these women have been completely different persons than another, and when I met them they were amazing in every way. And I think they still are, but the way they evolved towards me was perfectly similar, and all that I have is regret of wasting my time with them.

I have another theory;

Maybe these persons I dated were not grown up enough to understand that a relationship needs teamwork, maintenance and mutual respect in order to stay alive.

Either ways it all comes down to my title; Is it a fools job to spend youth in long relationship(s)? If you ask me, the answer is yes.

If you belong to the group of people who just live their lives without thinking too much about what`s going on deep and live your relationships pretty much the same way, the natural pattern for you might be to be like my ex-girlfriend and soon to be ex-girlfriend: Things just happen, you meet new people and have many fun relationships where you grow up, until at some point when you are 35-40 you have learned what it truly takes to stay happy with someone.

If you belong to same group as me, who doesn`t start loving someone until he/she believes to have met the one, who you would love to grow old with. Both of these groups have no use of staying in long relationships in youth, because for the first group the natural pattern suggests moving on anyways, and for the second group it only breaks your heart to give your love for someone who doesn`t know what to do with it.

My theory is also that if I was similar in the way I treat my relationship as both of these women, I wouldn`t had been together with neither one for much longer than an year.

I think it's a mistake to stay in an unhealthy or stale relationship whether short or long term. I do believe in the cliche "it's better to have loved and lost". I went for a balance - but I also always was a fairly serious-minded, goal-oriented and ambitious person and one of my main goals was marriage and family. Had I had it "my" way I would have married and started a family at least 10 years before I did but I wasn't yet the right person to find the right person. Many of my short/long term relationships and dating experiences helped me become the right person.

If you don't feel appreciated then yes, it is time to move on.

After the honeymoon stage, when the "new relationship energy" wears down, we (at least most of us) don't really want to be "romanced" as much as we need to be seduced and if you don't know how to seduce then I suspect you're going to have a woman that isn't sussed to get down and dirty with you. Romance, as in the real sense of the word is nice but it's not something that usually gets a gal juicy if the seduction doesn't go along with it.

"When you seduce a woman's mind, her body will follow." Truer words have never been spoken, me thinks.

So your creating theories based only on your two relationships. I can't take you seriously.

I have given up and accepted the fact that my woman does not wish to make out with me, nor have sex more than just randomly. Also at this point the word "romance" starts to sound like a bad joke; Everything I could ever try in terms of it is bound to fail, and I`m still stupid enough to actually go for it, and basically get laughed at by her.

Just curious as to what you define as `romance'. Maybe you can elaborate.

At this stage all that there is left is disrespect. My understanding is respect is something that is earned. Did you play any part at all in possibly losing their respect? (otherwise these women are just abusive)

I am hearing a lot of the issues being placed on the women in your life. But if you are as wise as you believe, you'll understand that it is often the dynamic between the both of you. Not just her(s)

Or. . you have just picked the wrong women.

I also think anyone who thinks that the sexual part of your relationship will stay exactly the same as in the beginning honeymoon stages will be sadly disappointed.

Thank you all for your answers.

Yes, that is a mistake I seem to keep repeating, staying in a relationship after I have realized I should move on. I however haven`t been able to do that because of the amount of love I had for these women. I have spent great amount of time thinking about leaving them both during the relationships, but always came down to wrong answer; I still want to try because of the love I have.

reinventmyself: By romance I mean all the romantic stuff you do the one you love. It can be a surprise date, it can be a tender kiss during a walk, anything really.

The coin always has two sides, and those women could tell these things different than I do. However I genuinely feel like I have acted worth anyone`s respect in these relationships.. I have literally given my all for these women.

What you say about dynamics is also true, which kind of makes the both sides of the coin look a bit different.

Truestory: Anyone can make theories. It´s up to the readed or listener to decide whether the theory is correct or not, as you decided that mine can`t be taken seriously which I find a bit funny. If you tell me that you can`t take me seriously with 8 years of relationships behind me, then you must have more experience. Maybe you could make your own theory about this subject?

Thatwasthen: I don`t know if I`m the right person to judge whether my seduction skills are good or not, but I believe in them even tough my current relationship state. If I try to seduce my current woman for example, she most likely rejects me no matter how would I do it, telling me that the timing is wrong or something else that she made up.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe the timing was wrong?

Anyway: Maybe you ought to read some of the Pick Up Artists literature? Usually I'd not recommend that because it tends to morph guys who want to be in long term relationships into ones that just want to get to sex and to he with the relationship but reading up on how they get a woman to submit may be in your best interests.

DO know that in any long term relationship the lust will dwindle as feelings change from infatuation and lust to true love. That is why it is most important to never stop flirting or showing sensual appreciation to one another.

I don’t make theories about relationships.

It is not the amount of time you have spent in relationships that made me say I can’t take you seriously, but the fact that it has been with only two people, and you’re only basing this on yourself. I don’t understand how you can come to the conclusion that it’s a waste of time to date in your youth, based only on that, even if you felt this theory only applied to you, that’s still a small number to come to that conclusion.

Again, you talk about their behaviour like there is a common pattern, but it is just TWO people. Maybe what is common in both relationships is the fact that they were dating you.

It is also hard to take you seriously is you say it is a waste of time, yet you chose to stay in these relationships. Why? “At this stage all that there is left is disrespect. The way my woman treats me almost exceeds the levels of what I would call evil”

Women don’t just turn evil. So I question, what part did you play in these relationships turning so ugly.

My theory is: it's good until it's not good. If you find that these things are just coasting along out of complacency and convenience, only building boredom or resentment, then they are becoming a waste of time.

Depends on the relationship!

In general. Absolutely not. You are talking to the guy that did it.

Married high school sweatheart. We have been together since we were 17! 4 kids, great marriage and she is the best thing that has happened to me.

I've watched all of my friends party, sex away and do the typical youth thing. Never cared for it much and watching them gave me a different perspective. Actually it didn't seam like fun for them at all. Just bunch of BS and waste of time. Did I mention headaches and drama?

Give me time machine I wouldn't do ANYTHING different.

There is no right or wrong answer to that. It's all individual preference and a bit of luck. Some people prefer to be in a long term stable relationship at a young age and if they meet someone of a similar nature it can last.

Most of us aren't built that way though and a single relationship started during the formative years doesn't last.

All that counts is that eventually you find someone that makes you happy.

My theory is that no relationship is a "waste." Even the most horrible experiences should teach us something. Maybe you've spent time in these two relationships to learn what you *don't* want and to learn how to spot signs of trouble.

If you had left at the one-year points, when they no longer wanted to be intimate with you, then that probably would have been best. But basically you just did the same thing twice. Maybe the third time is the charm.

You have not wasted your time. I don't put very much stock in the concept of wasted time, because we cannot know the full consequence of our actions until afterwards (if then), and weighing one path that was traveled against one that has not been, especially over long periods like 4 years, IS a fools errand.

I do think you have learned for yourself a pattern that isn't working, you have tried it twice, and it might be time to start putting this valuable life experience you have gained to use.

With all of your experience of investing into your relationships, when you find someone who is willing to invest along with you, it could be very very good. But you may need to hold back a bit more than you have in the past, and try to avoid making each relationship your "everything". The two of you need other things and other people to be a part of your world too.

As to the theory... I wouldn't make any sort of rule. You never know how long a relationship will last, and everyone is different. Most young people don't stay together, but also most people who have had many relationships won't stay with their next one. But, don't assume that someone is "the one" before you have passed the honeymoon period. I think that's a good piece of advice.

A generalization about 'people' isn't necessary or useful. You've come to some valuable realizations about your own experience, and that's all you need to operate in better ways as you move forward.

When a relationship bottoms out, you'll know it. We can't control who we love, but we can recognize that some people are best loved from far away.

We can also liberate ourselves from a tendency to latch onto people prematurely by learning that most people are NOT our match. When we can grasp that, we can learn how to screen people out rather than attempt to convert a wrong match into a right one. That IS a waste of time, and we never get any time back again for do overs.

Head high.

Sorry for not answering to my own thread.. What happened is that my gf left me, atleast that`s the way it looks like.

What happened? is this why you were pondering relationships?

my gf left me, atleast that`s the way it looks like.

Hi dude,

I'm 28 aswell and have been in a very similiar situation to you in the past. I had a 7 year relationship with my ex since we were in school and like what you describe, that was exactly the same as mine. I will give you words of wisdom after coming out of that relationship 2.5 years ago and choosing to remain single:

- The first year after the break up I hated her guts as she got a new BF soon. Felt my time and effort was all a waste and that a replacement was available when I was out of the picture.

- After a while, I realised that this in fact was 100% true. That's exactly what happened and that's what would happen with you too. You see, when you are in a relationship like that (that is almost for convenience) and isn't growing into something or the people are growing together, there will always be another girl or guy to fill the 'they'll do' category.

- You don't see it now but you are actually as much of the problem as her or even moreso than her. What you don't see from the inside is what females really want and are attracted to... especially in later 20's and looking towards the future!

- You got to man up and handle your business, whether it is with your career... your lifestyle or whatever goal you want. You need to get moving on it and start building yourself towards things you enjoy and want in your future! Girls like to see excitement, driven men... the roller coaster and not a boring life, thats what will keep things interesting and moving. If you want to start a family or get a property etc. you got to be putting that forward too.

- You need to lead the girl to some degree... a healthy relationship is one where you know if you mess up badly she will leave and can find someone else... and believe me, she NEEDS to feel that about you to keep attracted to you and respect you. You can be as nice as you want to your girl and of course things need to be discussed as adults, but the fundamental respect needs to be there for you as the man of the relationship or it is a lost cause. Leave and restart.

Good luck