Dating a divorcee w/ 2 kids

I'm 28 years old (never married or kids) and I see my pool of eligible men without baggage dwindling. I don't like the idea of dating "dads" because ultimately I wouldn't want a future with someone that has already experienced marriage and having children. I feel like it wouldn't be as exciting for the partner if they've already done those things. Am I still young enough to be this picky? Does anyone else feel this way or have experience dating someone who's divorced with kids? Thanks.

P.S. It is selfish, but I like being the priority in a relationship, but with kids involved I would never be #1.

It sounds like you feel too strongly about this to date divorced guys with kids.

People are just as excited about their 15th child as their first, each child is a different person. However if you want to be first in everything this is not the road for you.

Am I still young enough to be this picky?

You can be picky at any age you want, if that makes you happy.

Depending on where you live, it will vary demographically. In NYC, the average age of marriage and children is considerably higher than Kentucky, for example.

My own experience has been that people cannot always predict who they will fall in love with. I hope you don't rule out someone wonderful just because he's experienced something you haven't.

I can't be unbiased on this thread because I'm the 39 year old man, divorced, with custody of my kids that was dumped because....my best guess is I couldn't put her first because the kids were always first and always will be first...and at the time were going through quite a bit with their mother flaking out.

Don't get involved with a man like me and break his heart. We aren't looking for help to raise the kids, we aren't looking for help in everyday life....what we are looking for, someone to be a companion, someone to love, someone to have some romance with, and yes, eventually, for me anyway, someone to marry and live life with. Would getting married again be exciting....you bet it would. This woman I was with before being abruptly dumped, I was beginning to have those thoughts of asking her to marry me.....

My bias opinion here, besides what I just said....is that if you already know you're selfish, don't bother dating a man with children. You'll probably miss out on a potentially great love, but hey, at least you won't break his heart. And, when you meet whomever you meet without kids...and possibly have kids yourself, well, you won't be #1 priority then either.

P.S. It is selfish, but I like being the priority in a relationship....

Sounds like a recipe for one-sided relationships. Is it even a "relation"ship at that point?

Well, Cupcake, at the age you mention there are sure to be single men out there. I don't know where you are.

Over here the trend now is that few people marry before they are at least 30 or later. That is the trend I see in younger members here.

And I wholly endorse that trend.

So, there are surely men of your age or a couple years older where you are.....

I can't be unbiased on this thread because I'm the 39 year old man, divorced, with custody of my kids that was dumped because....my best guess is I couldn't put her first because the kids were always first and always will be first...and at the time were going through quite a bit with their mother flaking out.

 

Don't get involved with a man like me and break his heart. We aren't looking for help to raise the kids, we aren't looking for help in everyday life....what we are looking for, someone to be a companion, someone to love, someone to have some romance with, and yes, eventually, for me anyway, someone to marry and live life with. Would getting married again be exciting....you bet it would. This woman I was with before being abruptly dumped, I was beginning to have those thoughts of asking her to marry me.....

 

My bias opinion here, besides what I just said....is that if you already know you're selfish, don't bother dating a man with children. You'll probably miss out on a potentially great love, but hey, at least you won't break his heart. And, when you meet whomever you meet without kids...and possibly have kids yourself, well, you won't be #1 priority then either.

I agree with this. If you absolutely have to be "first" at all times, steer clear of any guy with kids.

I am 45, never married, no kids (no kids by choice, never married because until now, I haven't found anyone to marry); I am dating a man who is 39, divorced, with two kids. When the friend who introduced us told him about me, he asked, "Is she OK with me having kids?" which was funny, because I remember asking her, "Does he know I don't have kids? Are you sure he's OK with that?" My boyfriend is a great dad, and yes, I think his kids ARE his top priority, with me right up there VERY close behind them. It doesn't bother me that I'm not "first." They're young, they need their dad. They always will, though I imagine that when they get older, they won't need him as much or as often. Regardless, I'm fine with it. If you're not, though, and if you need to have a guy's full attention all the time, you should focus on men who don't have kids. At your current age, you should still be able to find one, though I admit you may miss out on some good ones by limiting yourself to men without kids. As you get older, though, it may be more difficult to find men without kids, so that's something to keep in mind.

Not sure of your location, but 28yrs old isn't old, in my opinion. As you get older, people will have experienced more in life... it happens. Personally, I know at this time in my life, I'm getting divorced at 31, I probably am not ready to date someone who has kids. Maybe later on that'll change. It's up to you to make that call, if you're having doubts, it's probably a good intuition to follow.

If you don't want to date someone with kids, someone divorced, someone with a larger-than-normal head, etc... It's not a bad thing to have preferences. You shouldn't settle if you're not feeling it, because it isn't fair to the other person.

If you're open-minded and develop feelings for someone who has been divorced or has kids, who knows, maybe you'll change your mind.

Simple, simple solution. Don't date guys with kids. There are lots of 28 year olds without them.

There, problem solved. You can stop worrying

I don't really understand where you are coming from - because unless you are 28 and dating older men, say 40, the pool of men who have never been married and don't have kids is very, very large for you. I am talking about men who are 25-32, and even up to 35. My brother and male cousins got married between 32-38 - one got married at 24, but he was the exception. Sure, at 28, you may start meeting men who were previously engaged and such, but there are tons who have not yet married. Sure, you will meet some men that had a young marriage fall apart, but from who I recall in my circles of friends and colleagues when I was 25-30, they were few and far between.

Maybe where you meet men or how you meet them is something you need to change. There are many men in some fields that require long schooling, such as medicine, that tend to not marry in college and they wait.

Cupcake:

You remark: "I like being the priority in a relationship".

Some time ago you made the comment that "I like being a doormat".

So?......

Are you talking about a specific guy? Because the title of your thread '2 kids' is like you've already met someone who's divorced with 2 kids. Is that the case?

Lots of single men, never married no kids close to your age. I'm 31, had no trouble meeting single men in my age range in my late twenties and when I turned 30. If divorce and kids is a deal breaker for you, then stick to it.

It makes no sense to set yourself up for a relationship that would make you (and him) miserable. There's nothing 'wrong' with wanting what you want, unless you involve yourself with someone who can't give it to you while you manipulate him into feeling lousy about that.

If you take single Dads off your table, there are still millions of men to date.

I don't like the idea of dating "dads" because ultimately I wouldn't want a future with someone that has already experienced marriage and having children.

 

P.S. It is selfish, but I like being the priority in a relationship, but with kids involved I would never be #1.

Simple solution: DON'T date a divorcee with kids. I don't even understand WHY you should ask this in the first place when you KNOW you "don't like the idea of dating dads with kids". What's the point? Seriously, just don't go there. Stick to single guys. Problem solved.

OP, I used to get myself stuck in these situations, because I would meet someone kind and deserving of my affection. I would bend my own rules because he is so deserving.

There is much wrong with this logic. Here are a few flaws.

(1) I am not a reward system. I am not judge, jury, parent, global karma. I am only me. Who I choose is intended to SERVE ME and MY NEEDS. Who I choose is NOT intended to be an award for somebody else.

(2) My needs are what they are. They require no explanation. Zero.

(3) Where do I get off thinking I am an award for some deserving man? Doesn't he deserve someone for whom he is an ideal partner? All I am doing is occupying a seat in his life that prevent shim from finding someone who wants him exactly as he is. If that isn't me, he DESERVES to be single again so that he can find the woman who is looking for him.

Tell this man that you want him to be available to find his perfect match, and that you know that isn't you.

Don't compromise. Heck, if I were older (I'm mid 20s) and still single and looking, I still wouldn't date dads. It's not something I'm interested in. I don't think anyone should date a dad with young kids unless they are okay with the possibility of being a step mom someday. The dads say "Well, I'm not looking for a mom for them, they have a mom" but c'mon...you know when the relationship gets serious, he's going to have the kids meet you, bring the kids around, and you'll be expected to play step mom.

Unless that interests you, I would stay FAR away from single dads.

I know it has never interested me so in the past, as soon as I've heard that a guy has a child, I stop communication.

Simple solution: DON'T date a divorcee with kids. I don't even understand WHY you should ask this in the first place when you KNOW you "don't like the idea of dating dads with kids". What's the point? Seriously, just don't go there. Stick to single guys. Problem solved.

I agree and I felt the same. I went on a few dates with single dads -and I dated someone for 3 months whose ex girlfriend was expecting (!!) but it was not my preference and I avoided it. My husband and I re-connected after dating in our 20s -we were 38, never married, no kids. I dated many men in their 30s/40s in the same situation.

Are you talking about a specific guy? Because the title of your thread '2 kids' is like you've already met someone who's divorced with 2 kids. Is that the case?

Yes, but now I don't think I should continue the relationship.

Is there a way you could screen for guys with kids early on? What is the age range you are looking at?

Yes, but now I don't think I should continue the relationship.

Yes, but now I don't think I should continue the relationship.

When did you find out he had kids? Sounds like something that he should've brought up on the first date (or before). Is this your first time dating someone who has kids and you only found out it is an issue later on? Does he know this is an issue for you?

Realize that his kids are important to him, too, and that it isn't fair to him to be half-in or half-out. You'll be happier if you don't compromise... I'd probably be more open to people who have been married before, -- sometimes the lessons they've learned through that marriage can show if they're in a relationship with you, since they likely don't want a repeat (communication skills, being upfront, etc.) You'd have your own experiences together that'll make your marriage unique and exciting, if it got to that point.

Yes, but now I don't think I should continue the relationship.

You are correct, you will need to bow out of this one.

"I thought I was ready, I'm not, I want to be responsible and give it my best and also let you find a better match if I know my best will not be good enough. It won't be, because this isn't the right match for me.

Thank you for sharing yourself with me, it was an honor.

Update: he broke things off with me, claims he's depressed and misses his ex wife??? Ummm, why was he on a dating website then? Oh well, on to the next one.

The good news is you didn't get caught up in their drama or waste too much time on him.

Update: he broke things off with me, claims he's depressed and misses his ex wife???