My boyfriend committed suicide....And I found him.

How do I start. This is all so surreal and I'm waiting for this nightmare to be over. Every morning, since April 13, 2016, I open my eyes to my parents living room and my 2 young daughters asleep on the floor, and my reality sinks in again. I'm not at home, Bobby is not in the kitchen feeding the dogs or getting ready for work. I don't have a garden to water any more, or a beautiful home to keep clean anymore. I can't hear the precious sound of his and the girls laughter at the breakfast table.

In late February, Bobby and I had gotten into the biggest fight of our relationship. We had been drinking, and having a great time, when he just snapped. We fought, he gotten physical (the aggression was scary), although Im not a physical aggressor I am a defender.

I found him in our garden shed, on a stool, loading a .45

He put it to his head as I fought him for it, begged him to stop, and he pulled the trigger.

We had angels with us that night, because the p.o.s. handed down gun jammed. .I called his best friends to come get the gun and console him . My 32nd birthday was a week later. We didn't talk much about that fight, except that he told me he couldn't bare hurting me again and that if "I" didn't quit fighting back he would get worse. He said that he hated that he had began getting more physically abusive towards me. (We met one year after I left an abusive drunk after 7 years of hell and domestic violence, so needless to say, I fought back instinctively ).

Weeks went by, and he seemed to be back to his old self. We laughed, we cooked, I had the best birthday I'd had in years.

We had disagreements but nothing like that night.

The friend that took the gun from Bobby, had even felt safe enough to give it back to him... (We were such fools. I should have thrown his ass in the Jeep and taken him to mental health the next day, not call his buddies to help).

On Wednesday, April 13th 2016, exactly 3 weeks ago today, he attempted suicide again, but succeeded.

We spent all day at home being lazy. Watched a movie "Sex Tape", and he sat on the floor, me on the couch, and I ran my fingers through his hair the whole movie. He even promised to cut his hair the following week.

The kids were bored so we took them to the park. And I had the night off, so we had started drinking whiskey a lil earlier. He was Jim Beam and I had my Fireball.

I'm not sure what happened between leaving the park and his fatal mistake.

He had gotten angry at me for doing a donut in the jeep in the yard (it was an acre)

The jeep threw rocks all over his Harley, and I wasn't bein safe. Thank god I didn't roll my jeep with the kids inside. I see that now.

SUCH A STUPID FIGHT TURNED SERIOUS, QUICK!

I got defensive, he got angry and we fought. He attacked me in the kitchen, tossed me around and I made him leave. He did...But came back. ... Unaware that he was home, I went to the jeep to get a new pack of smokes, and he was on the phone with his sister. I don't remember what I said to him, but he busted my nose for it.The last thing he said was "sister I love you" hung up his phone and popped me in my face, like I was a man. Covered in blood i went inside scared. Cleaned myself up, called a dear friend of ours because I needed consoling, and I had the feeling he did too.... (another dumb mistake, I should have called 911 then, and maybe I wouldn't have to have called them a half hour later for more serious reasons).

Bobby called me, twice as I was cleaning myself up. I didn't answer. I was so sad and angry and scared, and I knew I'd forgive him, but didn't want to.

With phone in hand I walked back to the driveway to again, retrieve my cigarettes. His truck was parked by mine. I cant remember if it was running or not. He looked asleep. I pounded on the window and he didn't answer me. So i opened the truck door.

Blood was everywhere. Pouring down his shoulders and he just looked asleep. I didn't see a gun, or anything graphic. I didn't even realize he was gone. It was 9:03 p.m.. 911 on the phone and alls i could do was beg bobby to wake up.

The ambulance passed our house. We had an acre in a rural area of southern california, the house sat in the back. I ran barefooted bloody and in my bikini to flag down the paramedics. Noone would let me near Bobby. Panic set in. Who can I call to sit with my kids, why aren't you letting me get dressed so we can go to the hospital...WHY IN THE HELL IS THE AMBULANCE LEAVING WITHOUT HIM...WITHOUT US? !?!?! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME WASH MY ANY BLOOD OFF?!?! It was because Bobby was dead. And the police department and forensics had to rule out murder. It was suicide clearly, but they had to do their job.

MY SOUL KNEW HE WAS GONE, BUT MY BRAIN TURNED REALITY OFF..Like my subconscious mind took over. And honestly Ive been living like that for 3 weeks now.

Bobby stuck the barrel of that same .45 in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He knew I would find him. I can't escape the feeling that he was punishing me.

His family hates me. They blame me. Said the wrong girl pushed his buttons. I wasnt welcome at his services, I had to handle packing up the new home we had just mo ed into, the new furniture we had just gotten a month before, I had to call the landlord and break the lease. There was no way my kids and I could be happy living there without him...I have grieved alone, and dealt with nasty rumors and people I love, he loves, hating me...blaming me...They even deleted and blocked me from his facebook. The posts of him and I were to much for them to bare...Yet. The year Bobby and I were together was the happiest in both our lives.

He had struggled with demons and depression for a long time. Covered up pain from his childhood and the loss of his mother at 12 yrs old, his father turned to drugs and alcohol to cope, so Bobby did the same thing with heroin, meth and booze. He had a couple years clean with me, (I think, I have not received his autopsy or toxicology report yet) , and was mending broken relationships with friends and family, those who had known both of us for many years complimented our love. We encouraged each other. We consoled each other. We confided in each other. 2 peas in a pod. It was undeniable, in pictures, in our presence. We disgusted people lol. We had adventures on his bike. He went on trails in my jeep. We had cooking contests and we were both artistic. We even started a fairy garden competition to see who could make the prettiest fairy garden pot.

He had a 13 year old beagle named Daisy. She was his baby. Spoiled that dog. But she was sick. Had cancerous tumors and kidneys were giving out. Daisy was dying. She Held on to life for him. I would tell him she was his "spirit guide" all the time. He wouldn't spend the night at my house because he didn't want to leave daisy alone. He didn't go anywhere over night without her.

On April 16th, Bobbys best friend of 15 years and ex brother in law and I had Daisy put to sleep. It was his families wishes, and the only thing they would even talk to me about. Taking Daisy to the vet was hard. She knew she was going to see daddy. I was jealous of her actually...lol

Silly huh. . . .

Daisy was cremated and her and Bobbys ashes will be spread together.

I went back to work one week after Bobby died. I'm a waitress at a busy and well known restaurant. I work nights amd weekends. I was applying for a schedule change, to spend more time with him on weekends.

Glad I didn't get approved.....

I used to give up tips and tables to go home early to be with him and the girls....

I used to sneak in the bathroom to check his texts.

I used to bring us home appetizers and extra jack daniels glaze because he loved it so much on everything. He had gotten bummed a lil the day he died because I ate the chicken Caesar salad he wanted to share with me..he teased me about it and I felt bad for eating it alone.

All of the good, completely consumed by the bad.

I'm sad. I miss him like crazy. I miss our home. I dont have anything special to come home to. I don't have a home now. All I have are feelings and emotions. Anger, sorrow, regret, remorse (for something, i dont know what yet) confusion because I love him so much still I can't be angry. But I'm pissed that he did this to me...How chicken and cruel. and without having his family there to grieve with, I feel I have been denied the right to grieve.

I don't know if this is a waste of my time or not. I have never posted on a forum. Or felt the need to reach out to strangers. I know I can't get through this alone. I know I'm not alone. Deep deep down.

I was a happy, humble, funny and kind woman. Playful and caring, sympathetic.

I'm not happy, can't remember what humble means now, my wise cracks aren't even that funny to me, and sympathy???? Hah!

You won't find any here...Not right now atleast...

I can't sleep, and when I do, I don't want to wake up.

And my kids......

They miss him.....

They miss his family......

They miss Daisy.....

They miss their mommy. And I am holding onto the little bit of mommy (the little bit of me) left in me with all the strenght I have left.

I know it's only been 3 weeks. I know I have the rest of my life here to wonder, and be sad and miss him.... I know life is for the living though.....

I'm struggling to stitch a wound that only time will heal. And I don't expect you to understand how it is I feel.

But maybe, just maybe, someone else has read their story in mine.

Maybe someone out there needs to hear the same thing as me....

You are not alone....

Thank you for listening. ...This has been the hardest thing to write, and I did it only crying a lil.

It's helped me alot, just putting it into words.

Sorry to hear about all this. Don't worry about his angry family-ignore them. Worry about yourself and your kids and putting the pieces back together.

Bobby stuck the barrel of that same .45 in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He had struggled with demons and depression for a long time. with heroin, meth and booze.

And my kids......They miss him.....

I'm so sorry to hear about this, that's horrible.

We had suicides in our family (1 in my, 1 in my wifes). And this might sound harsh but honestly I have 0 respect or care for the person that did it. To me Suicide is a selfish act. Mind you, I understand if someone is in so much pain and want to end it, that's fine. But in general, people that do this hurt ALL of their loved ones/everyone around them.

Best thing you can do at this point is do your best to forget it and move on asap.

Worse you can do, is dwell on it, let it consume you, drag you down etc.

I will give you a great example with my wife's family. They had a suicide in their family as well (her parent/grand parents). And they NEVER moved on and allowed that act to consume them make them the most miserable souls you will ever meet. Addiction followed, loved ones got pushed away and mistreated....neglected.....they simply became crappy people..........and still are 30 years later!!!

I strongly suggest you do NOT do that.

One of the best advice's I have ever heard in my life (one that helps and has helped me the most) is: Things/ are as big of a deal, or as little of a deal as WE make it.

What I'm telling you is make this a no big deal, move on, be positive and optimistic and live a happy life.

I know it won't be easy, but nothing is ever easy! You do NOT want to end up like my wife's family, trust me on this. Entire family generations damaged beyond repair!!! Heck, it took me 15-20 years to get my wife on the right page in life, and it will be a lifetime project!

PS. it took me exactly 3 days to get over our families suicide....

Also use this as a lesson to teach your kids about the dangers of drugs........and yourself as well.

I am so sorry for your loss.

There are people who will commit suicide in a way that punishes someone. Going off his physical abuse, I wouldn't put it past him. But the act of suicide itself was strictly in his own interests, not relevant to anything between the two of you.

I saw a lot of death in the Army, but I've been fortunate in life not to suffer the shock of finding a loved one dead. Trust me when I say you need to go to a therapist. The quicker you do so, the less you'll scar.

This website has a database of support groups to help with support while you grieve your loss (specifically suicide bereavement). Hopefully you can find a group in your area.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know those words mean absolutely nothing right now so I will move to say that you ARE NOT alone. I may be a stranger but I care. I hate that you are going through this. I live in southern California as well.

Loss is loss...and this kind of loss is very painful because there is no closure. No answers to your questions. however you interrupt this loss will dictate the next chapter of your life. You can dwell on it enough that you remain frozen or you can give yourself closure and move on that much stronger.

Think of it this way (just saw this recently and it rang true for me)....You pick up a glass of water and hold it above your head. Initially it is light and requires hardly any effort. Hours later you are still holding that glass of water above your head and it is starting to strain your arm muscles. By day two of holding that glass of water above your head your arm is frozen in place, numb, and requires a lot of effort to move. That glass of water is your bereavement/loss. Visit it for a moment or two and you are able to move on. Hold on to it longer and it starts to hurt. Wallow in it and you will immobilize yourself.

We're here for you. Please keep posting...

I'm really sorry for everything that has happened. Please seek bereavement counseling. Also, please check out this site - It's for friends/family affected by the loss of a loved one by suicide. They have a really supportive forum there.

My mother found my dad and I wish she would have gotten some counseling then.

From everything you said it sounds like even if he didn't commit suicide, someone was going to get seriously hurt or killed at some point in your relationship anyways. The abuse and physical attacks he did to you are extremely severe and clearly escalating in severity. Since you have a history of dating, getting into long term relationships with highly abusive men, then I am inclined to believe you were not going to leave him or end the relationship any time soon. It's awful to say, but him killing himself, may have actually saved your life.

If you think about it that way, then you might be able to feel a different way about it all.

You without a doubt need to see a therapist/counselor. So do that immediately. Not only to cope with this and move on, but perhaps more importantly, to figure out and fix why you are drawn to such toxic abusivr men. Your next relationship will most likely end up being with someone similar or even worse if you do not get treatment and fix yourself first. Best of luck